When it Rains, It Pours
by pottersweetie
Summary: DanBlair. TV SHOWBASED. Blair has had enough of Nate and Serena and she wants to get back at them for all the pain they've caused her. But, what starts out as a way of revenge, turns into something she had not bargained for.
1. Broken Toy

**When it Rains, It Pours  
**By: pottersweetie

Author's Note: I don't believe I'm doing this, I really don't. I was always a hardcore Blair/Nate supporter, and I was furious at the end of the last book. I also believed that I would think the books were better than the show. But, I love the television show and Blair seems to fit more properly with Dan... In a weird, love/hate, tense, mixed-up kind of way. So I'm going to give it a shot. Enjoy, Read, Review!

**Warning:** This is based on the television series, jumping off sometime after 'Bad News Blair' and disregarding everything after that. Okay?

Chapter One  
"Who says the river can't leave its waters?  
Who says you walk in a line?  
Who says the city changes its borders?  
Who says you are mine?"  
-Keane

Blair watched in disgust as Nate and Serena nearly stuffed their faces with pizza and fries, slurping down cokes, hardly coming up for air. She looked at the plate in front of her; salad with grilled chicken, not even a hint of dressing, and then she looked back at Serena and Nate. Her stomach rumbled violently but her lip curled a little, as if she wanted to vomit. Sure, she would have loved to shove the whole pizza down her throat and steal everyone's coke for herself, but she knew that could gain her twenty pounds in a single night and that alone made her hesitate in eating her own dinner. From across the table, beside Serena, Dan sat, watching them as well, slowly sipping his drink. His eyes met Blair's briefly, before he looked away and she subtly rolled her eyes.

Her last thread of patience was fraying at a rapid pace.

Serena had suggested this double date. She had been desperate for Nate and Blair to get along and be buddy-buddy with Dan, so she forced them all together. Blair thought it was ridiculous though. She believed that Serena could handcuff her to Dan Humphrey and throw them onto a desert island together, and that still wouldn't change her opinion of him in the least. But she had agreed to it, if only to get a date with Nate. After all, he was being so distant and weird, hardly hanging out with her at all, ignoring her calls. Just as Serena was desperate for all of them to be friends, Blair was desperate to get her boyfriend back.

So she had endured Avenue Q, the Broadway play Serena had suggested they all see. The stupid play had everyone in stitches, everyone except Blair and Nate. Nate, she noticed, kept darting glances at Serena and fiddling with his phone. When she touched his arm and sent him a curious look he only knotted his eyebrows in turn, as if he didn't know what she was talking about. Needless to say, she wasn't even concentrating on the show in front of her. Even when one actor came into the audience with his puppet and tried to joke with her. She had sent him a glare that could melt icebergs and he had made a joke about how he should have worn his armor or something. Dan laughed at that, if only slightly, and Serena giggled as well, which made Blair's blood boil. How dare this Dan guy laugh at her, he didn't even know her. Blair had wanted to hit someone, to hit someone so hard they wouldn't be able to fight back. Of course, that wasn't possible, so she settled for digging her nails into her palm and shooting Dan Humphrey dirty looks.

Once the puppet show-play had finished though, they had ended up at the pizza place, some horrible little Italian restaurant that fed greasy looking truckers and screaming little kids. Blair wanted to rip her hair out.

Nate was now happily stuffing his face, joking with Serena as they shoveled food into their mouths. But Blair and Dan were unusually silent. Dan, mostly because he looked tense, as if he felt he was some sort of interloper, and Blair, because her boyfriend was driving her crazy. It was becoming harder and harder for her to stand Nate's mood swings. One minute he would be reclusive and quiet, looking as if he were deep in thought, the next he would be laughing and joking, as if nothing had ever been wrong,  
_  
Maybe he's bipolar_, Blair thought to herself, stabbing a green leaf on her plate, allowing herself to chew it and let it slide down her throat. She listened as Serena and Nate recalled the summer after their freshmen year, when their families had gone to Mexico together. Blair remembered it; they had gone skinny dipping in the hotel pool at nearly four in the morning and she had been desperately afraid Nate would see Serena's shimmering Venus of a body and dump her flat. Fortunately, the pool lights hadn't been on, so no one really shimmered, or even appeared to each other in the pitch blackness of the invisible moon.

The incessant volleying of memories between her best friend and boyfriend became almost unbearable.

"Dan," Serena said, "Have you ever been to Mexico?"

He replied bluntly, "No. I haven't."

Blair felt herself smirking, but she stopped before it could fully form into anything other than a small twitch.

"Nate, what was wrong during the play?" Blair asked, looking up hopefully into Nate's placid face. "I know something was wrong."

He looked down at her, no emotions flickered across his face, "Nothing, really," he shook his head.

They were standing outside of the grimy pizza place, Dan and Serena were talking only a few feet away about where to go next and Blair had pulled Nate aside, asking him the question that she wanted him to answer truthfully.

"I'm fine-"

"Hey guys," Serena cut him off. "Dan and I were thinking about heading to Serendipity."

Blair resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

Serena's face was shining with hope, "Do you want to come?"

"I'm actually really tired," Blair said in return. "Besides, I have tennis tomorrow."

"Wouldn't want to be drowsy for tennis," Dan said a little dryly.

Blair shot him a dirty look before saying, "Yes, so I think I'll just go home. Nate, you'll drive with me, right?"

He looked taken aback for a minute, and then he seemed to remember himself, "Yeah, of course."

Blair smiled, "We'll see you guys later."

They all said goodbye, exchanging hugs and handshakes. When it came time for Blair to say goodbye to Dan she knew she wasn't going to hug him or shake his hand so she narrowed her eyes at him and gave him a little smirk.

"Humphrey."

He raised his eyebrows, "Waldorf."

She watched as he and Serena disappeared down the sidewalk, feeling as if this boy was competing against her in some way. But she soon ignored the feeling and turned back to Nate, ready to set her plan into motion. "Let's get a cab," she said, looking deeply into his eyes.

He nodded, "Okay."

Once they were safely seated in a cab and on their way down the street she put her hand on Nate's leg, looking at him deeply. He turned his head, looking at her as if he were surprised. She gave him a sweet smile and pressed her side against his. In return, he gave her an awkward little twitch of the lips, as if it was odd for his girlfriend to touch him. She gave his leg a little squeeze, briefly digging her nails into the material of his jeans.

Blair's heart was swaying between angry and desperate. Not only was she furious that Nate was acting so weird and distant, she also wanted him desperately. The idea of losing him to Serena, or to some other aspect of his life, made her sick.

And that was why, when they were standing in the vestibule, beside her front door, she took his coat and then took off hers. She leaned in and whispered in his ear, "Mummy won't be home until morning."

She watched as Nate's ears shifted on his head, as if his whole face had moved and tensed.

Taking hold of his shirt in her fist she pulled him along with her, dragging him to her bedroom. She kicked the door shut behind her and pushed him down on the bed. He looked up at her, mystified. Her anger pulsed and throbbed, writhing in her stomach like a storm-tossed ocean. Channeling all her anger into seduction she unbuttoned her Chanel blouse and looked at him heatedly. Instead of looking at her with love and wanting, Nate sat up, looking around her room.

Blair pulled off the rest of her shirt and then her jeans, crawling beside him in only her La Perla underwear. The look he gave her was far from what she wanted. Instead of pure, unadulterated love and lust, he looked hungry, but confused. She cupped his face in her hands and kissed him deeply, she willed all the power she put into the kiss to make him wake up and start acting like the perfect boyfriend she knew he was.

Nate gave into the kiss, and it deepened, mostly from Blair's part though.

She began to gain some form of hope. _Maybe he just needs me to prove my love to him_, she told herself. _Maybe if he sees how much I love him he'll snap out of this retarded funk he's in and he'll be completely devoted to me_. She was convinced everything would change, and she put her all into making it so.

When all he did was kiss her back though, hands on her waist, not even moving to her hair or her neck, she thought he needed a little encouraging. So she tried to unbutton his shirt herself but that was when he pulled away.

"Blair, maybe-"

"Shhhh," she shushed him, pressing her lips against his, nearly sitting on top of him.

When she put her hand on the back of his head and kept his lips firmly in place, he realized he couldn't pull away, no matter how much he struggled. So finally, he pushed her away. Feeling as if she'd been slapped in the face, Blair looked up at Nate, her large eyes sad and questioning.

He cleared his throat, "We shouldn't do this."

Sadness turned to anger and she narrowed her eyes at him, "Why not?"

"Blair, I just don't think-"

"You refuse to do this with me," she said slowly. "But you'll do it with Serena."

Now he looked as if he had been slapped across the face, "That's not fair. That was a mistake-"

"Yeah, I'm not so sure it was," she said acidly.

He shook his head, looking at her comforter, quiet.

"What the hell is up with you?" she demanded, standing up. "You've been so weird and you've hardly talked to me since Serena came back! You were the one who kept apologizing, the one who kept saying you wanted us to be together, to forget about it, to move on! What the hell is this now!?"

Nate look confused, but slightly guilty, "What's what-"

"You! Your mood swings!"

He shook his head again, "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't give me that shit Nate! Why are you lying to me?"

Blair felt her anger boiling over, spreading to her fingertips and toes. Not just her anger toward Nate, but also her sleeping anger toward Serena and even her anger toward Dan, who had only laughed at a puppeteer who had joked about her. But everything and everyone she was angry at, her Dad for leaving, her Mom, her whole life, everything came back to her and she channeled it against Nate, feeling as if she needed a release.

"All you ever do is lie to me Nate, and when you tell me the truth it's only to hurt me!" she screamed as he stood up too, walking to her so they were only a foot apart. "You lied to me about Serena, you lie to me about all the shit you and Chuck do, about your pot, about how you really feel and what's really going on! When are you going to start being a proper boyfriend and not an ass hole!"

He was turning angry, Blair knew this, his whole face was tensing and his eye twitched a little, "Blair, there's so much you don't understand-"

"Yeah? NO SHIT!"

He waited a beat and then moved toward the door, "Why you don't talk to me when you chill out a little? All right?"

Blair watched in uncut madness as he closed the door behind him. _How dare he leave with the final word, how dare he not resolve this_, she seethed. And then, she grabbed the nearest thing she could find, a framed picture of her and Nate at a sophomore mixer, and she hurled it against the door. As it flew she screamed, a low, guttural scream, that made her vocal chords vibrate angrily and tore at the inside of her throat. And then, she watched as the frame broke into little different pieces and showered down onto her hardwood floor like tiny shards of ice and metal.

**Author's Note:** Obviously very televison-show-based but there will be some mentions of little pieces of characterization and what-not from the book. Hope you liked it, reviewing is appreciated!


	2. Get Your Guns

**Author's Note:** Wow! I am so pleased with the reaction this story has received so far! I was afraid I would be getting yelled at for tearing Nate and Blair apart. Thank you all for reviewing, I greatly appreciate it. I hope you all like chapter two!

Chapter Two  
"Her picture in your pocket  
Her memory at your door  
Too tired to unlock it  
Too scared to ask for more.  
Is there any wonder why I bother?  
Hanging 'round to take the pain  
Is there any wonder why I bother?  
Coming down for you to fix the blame."  
-Nine Black Alps

"And now, I'll leave you with some words from John Lennon, 'Everything is clearer when you are in love.'" Blair watched as Olivia Shults flashed everyone the peace sign and allowed a dazed sort of look to enter her already vacant face as she finished her oral report on John Lennon. She was dressed as the icon with a short wig, round glasses, and a skinny white man's suit.

The students in the class politely clapped as Olivia took her seat again, but Blair kept her arms folded over her chest.

_Everything is clearer when you are in love._

Blair rolled her eyes. Love did not make anything clearer, it made everything more complicated and confusing and hard to decipher. How could some awesome poet like John Lennon be so stupid? She thought back to only two days ago, when she and Nate had gotten into their fight. They hadn't spoken since. Blair had already resolved that she wasn't going to speak to him first, he'd have to apologize for being such a 'weird asshole.' She was stronger than him anyway, she could hold out.

"Miss Shults, you can go to the bathroom and change back into your uniform," Blair's American History II Honors teacher told the John Lennon look-a-like and she took the pass and headed out the door.

Turning to Serena, who sat only a space away from her, Blair was about to make a snippy comment about Olivia's report but she saw that her best friend was texting away under her desk.  
The look on Serena's face was, as Blair well knew from being her best friend for so long, her flirty face. She was obviously talking to a guy. But, the real question was, what guy was it?

"Miss Van der Woodsen," Mr. Krease's voice cut through her thoughts. "I believe it's your turn."

Blair watched as Serena discreetly slid her phone into her bag and marched up to the front of the room in her bell-bottoms, American flag shirt, and puffy black afro. Of course she had just put the wig on over her blonde hair which still hung past her shoulders, but, also of course, it looked endearing and cute.

"I am Abbie Hoffman," Serena began.

Blair fiddled with her Jackie O glasses that rested on her desk, tuning out Serena's words. She wasn't sure why she was desperate to find out who Serena was texting, why her finger's itched to flip through the familiar phone, but that was the way it was. She kept her eyes on her best friend though, smirking as she talked about the radical activist and all he stood for in society.

And then, quite suddenly, Nate entered her mind.

She wondered what he was doing right now, what class he was in, or if he had a free period. Her heart ached from not talking to him, not being with him... Or maybe it was just the idea that she didn't know what he was doing, who he had been with in the past two days, if he had already started looking at other girls, if he had... If he had been texting Serena. Something within Blair's brain clicked and her heart fell, tears sprang to her eyes and her throat burned. But all too quickly, as if by instinct, Blair's sadness turned to hot anger, igniting her insides with a raging fire. She would find out who Serena had been texting, even if she had to steal the phone to do it.

"Thank you Miss Van der Woodsen, you may go and change back into your uniform now," Mr. Krease said. "Miss Vetter?"

A dorky, tall girl dressed like a martian went to the front of the room and Serena went out. Blair knew this was her moment, so she pretended to drop her pencil and then she leaned forward and grabbed Serena's phone out of her bag and instantly began reading through her conversation.

Nate: I'm a second away from cutting Latin.  
Serena: Haha! I feel you boy, American History is torture over here!  
Nate: What are you guys doing?  
Serena: Sixties icon presentations. Blair's dressed like Jackie O- so cute!  
Nate: Oh.  
Serena: You're missing out, bud!  
Nate: Actually, Blair and I got into a fight the other day, didn't she tell you?  
Serena: No, she didn't. What happened?  
Nate: I dunno, it was dumb.  
Serena: Well, it's Blair, you know how she can be.  
Nate: Yeah. Do you think I should talk to her.  
Serena: Do you want to talk to her?  
Nate: I dunno.  
Serena: Think about it.  
Nate: No, I don't. Not right now.  
Serena: So don't.

And then, just as she was about to put the phone back another text from Nate went through. Blair opened it and read:

Nate: Do you really think I shouldn't?

Blair answered for Serena without a second thought.

Serena: No, I was kidding! You should totally talk to her! She's your girlfriend, you guys shouldn't fight! Apologize!

Nate answered back pretty quickly.

Nate: But I didn't do anything wrong. No, you know what- I don't think I'm going to talk to her for now. We'll see what happens.

Something about the fact that Serena hadn't defended her, hadn't tried to help her, upset Blair to no end. _What a horrible friend_, she seethed.

Blair quickly deleted the text she had sent, and the two Nate had sent to Serena. And put Serena's phone back, because she knew her friend would be returning momentarily. Lucky for her the moment she straightened up Serena walked in. When she sat down beside Blair she smiled and said, "So, did I miss anything good?"

Blair smirked, "Oh, you have no idea!"

Dan sat in front of his computer, watching the screen, staring at Serena's name, waiting for the little away message icon beside it to vanish. It didn't. He looked at his phone, willing it to ring or beep. It didn't.

Leaning against the back of his chair, Dan rubbed his face anxiously and sighed.

He clicked on Serena's name, checking if the away message had changed.

It hadn't. It still said that she was 'here or there.'

For the umpteenth time since he first went out with Serena, Dan felt confused. Not just confused but frazzled and anxious and nervous and full of thoughts. His brain felt as if it needed to be drained, or unplugged, like there was a stopper in the piping of his mind and nothing was being filtered out. Everything was going into his brain and staying there, backing up until he needed to find some kind of release.

He pulled open the drawer in his desk and rifled through it until he found his old leather notebook. After grabbing a pen and flipping to a clean page, Dan began to write. He didn't necessarily think about what he was writing, only let the words flow onto the page from the ink-dipped metal. The words that he scribbled were the first things floating in his mind, the words closest to his heart at the moment, what he wanted to get out most. Finally, he read it back.

"Falling into the hole I dug myself  
For the gold and silver I hate the most  
Punching out all of my feelings  
Until I'm left with the shell of a ghost  
Misunderstood beauty dances  
Angst ridden princess with a porcelain face  
How I long to hold her, stroke her chestnut locks  
Put her on the pedestal, back to grace  
And how I want to scream in her ears  
For ripping at my preoccupied heart  
I didn't mean to fall so clumsily this way  
It was a mistake, falling into a world apart."

As the words found their way back into his brain he knotted his eyebrows and cocked his head a little. Chestnut locks? Where did that come from? he asked himself. But it seemed to fit. He had wanted to put golden locks but chestnut just sounded better, he decided.

Dan didn't feel like it was his best poem, but he closed the book and saved it all the same, feeling as if he might want to look back on it one day. Just then, his phone rang. He jumped a little, as if he was guilty of something, and then he shook his head, reaching out for the phone and answering casually.

"Hello?"

"Dan? Hey, it's Serena!"

Dan smiled to himself, "Hey Serena, what's up?"

Serena laughed a little, "Nothing really, I was just calling to ask if you wanted to hang out tomorrow."

"Will this be a double-date again?" he couldn't help asking a little acidly.

Giggling, Serena replied, "No, it'll just be us."

"All right then, I'd love to."

"Great, I'll call you tomorrow?"

Dan nodded to himself, "Sure, I'll talk to you later."

"Bye."

"Bye."

When Dan placed his phone back on the desk he opened his notebook again and put a line through chestnut locks, replacing it with golden locks. Even if it didn't sound as good, he felt it fit more appropriately... Or at least he was pretty sure it did.

**Author's Note:** Chapter two! Don't worry, there will be tones of romance soon!


	3. Saving My Face

**Author's Note:** Thank you all for the reviews! They are so encouraging! Let me remind everyone that this story is taking place some time after Bad News Blair. You know, the episode where Blair's mom screwed her over with the whole modeling for her fashion line thing. I hope you like chapter three. Enjoy.

Chapter Three  
"See the look on my face  
From staying too long in one place  
But every time I try to leave  
I find I keep on stalling  
Feel like a big old stone  
Standing by a strength of my own  
But every time the morning breaks  
I know I'm closer to falling."  
-KT Tunstall

Ordinarily, when Blair found herself depressed or let down she channeled all of her emotions into finishing a specific task or into a different emotion all together; more often than not, anger. But when she got home from school that Friday afternoon she found that couldn't muster the energy to do either. Finding out that her best friend wasn't trying to help her in any way and that her boyfriend had no intention of talking to her at all drained her, and she was relieved to find her mother was out when she got home; no one to put on an act for.

Ignoring calls from Kati, Isabel, Chuck, and Serena, Blair put on a pair of sweats, tied up her hair, and scrounged up a bottle of vodka from her mother's alcohol cabinet. Armed with every Audrey Hep burn, Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly, and Ingrid Bergman movie she had, a box of vanilla truffles, a bag of salt and vinegar potato chips and her alcohol, she snuggled into her bed and sulked in all her misery.

_Charade_ made her feel a little better. The mysterious suspense of romantic Paris and the dangerous thugs chasing after Reggie Lampert made her forget about her problems, if only for a little. When Cary Grant entered the picture she was reminded of Nate's heroic attempts at... At what? Smoking pot?

The bottle of vodka made her feel stupid and dizzy, especially after she finished the whole thing.

_How to Steal a Million_ made her laugh.

The chocolate made her feel a little guilty and a little better.

_Two for the Road_ got her wondering where she would be in twenty years, and also made her retrieve a whole new box of truffles from the Christmas stash.

_Seven Year Itch_ made her feel desperate and _Casablanca_ made her hate Nate a little more.

The entire bag of salt and vinegar chips, combined with the new box of chocolates made her feel sick and fat. But _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ was what made her finally lose it all together, and she began to cry.

It was somewhere during Audrey's rendition of 'Moon River' that the tears began to slip silently out of Blair's eyes. At first she didn't even notice, but then she realized she couldn't properly see the television screen.

Instinctively, she began to wipe at her eyes, feeling the warm liquid seep into the sleeve of her sweatshirt. But the tears began falling faster, and the burning in her throat grew more furious. Finally, she succumbed to it. Her nose ran freely, her face was soaked in tears, and her body was racked by sobs. She didn't care though. She cried with everything she had. Listening to _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ in the background, she sobbed until her throat ached and she had no voice left. She cried until her pillow was soaked. But even then, she continued crying.

The tears flowed for how Serena had so unjustly betrayed her, and for how she was still betraying her, little by little. She sobbed for how Nate was so disinterested in her and for how she felt as if no one was on her side, particularly the people she wanted on her side most. She cried for how her father had left, embarrassing her and her mother, making her mom some kind of a basket-case for weeks, and now she was some sort of unfeeling cyborg, more so than she had been before, but this made her cry harder because she truly missed her father. She cried for how her father hardly called her, for how he didn't even care about her anymore. And most of all, she cried because she felt hopeless and alone.

Convinced that nothing would ever go her way, that nothing would ever be okay again, Blair allowed herself to sink into the softness of her mattress and blankets. She allowed the crying to possess her, until she was in a sort of trance. She couldn't discern what was going on on the television or what was really running through her head anymore. She didn't care though. She just cried.

She didn't even realize what was happening around her until she realized someone's arms had encircled her body and whoever it was was speaking to her.

"Blair, honey, what is it?" it was her mother's worried voice that met her ears. "Why are you crying?"

There was such concern etched into her mother's voice, a feeling she hadn't known her mother could express anymore, that something inside her broke away and she clung to her mother's frame, hysterical. Eleanor Waldorf, though, was so shocked by her daughters behavior, worried and afraid that something was terribly wrong, that all she did was hold onto the sixteen year old's tiny, shaking body and stroke her hair.

Finally, Blair managed to choke out what had gotten her so upset in the first place, "Nate and I got into a fight... We hasn't spoken to me in days."

Eleanor's face transformed from concerned to angry, "Really?"

Blair nodded.

Her mother was silent for a few minutes, watching her daughter shake with silent sobs. Her eyes displayed no emotion except anger and determination. Blair was confused as to why her mother was so quiet. Just moments ago she had been comforting her and questioning her tears, now she was seeming to be lost in thought completely. All Blair wanted, all she needed, was someone to care for her and shelter her from the horrible people of the world. Sadly, her mother couldn't do that, and that made her cry even harder. There was no solution to this.

"Blair, dear," Eleanor cooed and Blair looked up, her eyes soaked and wilting. "Everything will be fine. Don't you worry."

Blair shook her head, "How could you know that, Mom?" her shoulders sagged. "How can I not worry?"

"Nate will realize his mistake soon enough, I assure you."

Blair was too distraught to realize how evil her mother looked in the dim lighting of her room, as she assured her daughter of things she just couldn't promise for sure.

"Don't you trust me?" Mrs. Waldorf asked.

Blair wondered if that was a trick question, but she nodded all the same.

Eleanor nodded too, satisfied, "Then trust me as your mother, everything will be all right soon."

Her daughter sighed, giving up, "Okay Mom, I trust you."

Eleanor stood up and headed for the door, "Now, I have to go out, I actually have a meeting I believe I'm late for," she smiled. "It won't be long, I'll be home before you know it."

Blair nodded, "Thanks Mom."

As her mother left the room, closing the door behind her, Blair sunk back into the pillows, even more defeated than before. Moments after she heard her mother leave the house, though, guilt and anxiety began to rush through her with such a fury that she felt nauseous. All those calories she had consumed were already sticking to her thighs, she could feel it. She bit her lip, nervous and angry. Nate would never look at her again if she became a fat and ugly cow, she reasoned. Before she could even prevent what she was doing, she had thrown back the covers and was racing toward the bathroom, finger shoved down her throat before she even reached the door.

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Dan was sitting on a blanket made of itchy wool. Or rather, Dan's dream self was sitting on said blanket. And sitting before him was Serena, dressed in a hot pink dress that barely covered anything Grandma Humphrey would call decent. Something told him, he wasn't sure what, that this dress was a wedding dress. She was also feeding him pieces of cake made of human eyeballs... Flaming human eyeballs. And he was happily munching them away.

"Daniel!"

A sad voice called him, but he kept chewing on his slimy cake.

"Daniel! Help me!" the voice sounded so desperate and upset that he turned his head and saw Blair Waldorf, dressed in a Victorian mourning dress, in a cage the size of a small room.

Dan stood up and walked over to the cage, Blair stared at him.

"What's wrong?" he asked her.

She was crying and she pleaded, "Help them! Feed the children!" she pointed to a group of toddlers, dressed in rags, skinny and underfed with dirty fingers and big eyes. Again, something told him this group consisted of Nate and Chuck, and two of Serena's other friends, even though they were all probably under the age of seven.

Dan turned back to Blair, "I can't. But would you like some cake?"

Blair was growing angry and she grabbed hold of the bars of her cage and tried to rattle them, they were firmly in place, "Let _them_ eat cake!"

"I can not."

Why? Dan asked himself.

"Why?!" Blair demanded.

"Serena makes a new cake again tomorrow."

Dan wasn't exactly sure what that meant, but for some reason Blair began to weep at this expression, and he marveled at how much she looked like a princess, or a future queen at the very least. Like someone who should be sitting on a thrown, regal and composed. He was going to say something to make her feel better, but before he could, quite suddenly, she fainted. His knees buckled a little and he leaned against the metal.

He grabbed hold of the bars, "Your majesty!?" he shouted. "You'll start a revolution!"

And with that, real Dan awoke.

He lay in the dark for some time, confused. Baffled by half the things that were said in the dream, he rubbed his forehead and sat up. Blair had looked like a Victorian doll in his dream. Like the girl he had envisioned for his poem. But he wasn't thinking of Blair Waldorf as his muse exactly, just someone that looked like her, he assured himself. In any case, he pulled his notebook out again and crossed out golden locks, replacing it with chestnut once again.

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When Blair woke up the next morning she felt horrible. Her room was a mess, with empty truffle and chip bags and DVD cases strewn across the floor. Her face felt sticky and puffy from all the crying she had done before she fell asleep, and her eyes were almost glued shut with the disgusting goo of the sandman. Knotted hair ran wild around her face and her sweatpants were drooping at her hipbones.

After quickly stacking all of the DVDs back into the entertainment center in the living room, she threw out all the garbage that had taken up residence on her floor and headed for her bathroom. She enjoyed a shower that bordered on scalding and steamed up all the mirrors and windows in the room. When she felt her head was clear and her body clean, she turned off the water and dried off with the fluffy lavender towels her mother had ordered from Turkey.

When she was dry Blair slipped into her robe and combed out all the knots from her hair. She did this slowly, enjoying the feel of the comb's teeth scratching against her scalp with an extremely calming effect.

Pulling herself away from the hypnotic happiness of hair brushing, she put on a pair of her tightest Hudson jeans and a thin, dark green Chanel sweater and settled into the noise of the hair dryer as she prepared her curls for the day. At nearly noon, when she was finishing her make-up she heard the lift downstairs open. Thinking it was her mother, she went back to her primping, that was, until she heard a voice that stopped her dead.

"Blair, are you home?"

Feeling as if her heart was running a marathon, she calmly put her mascara brush back into the tube and slowly walked out of the bathroom and through her room. In the hallway she took a deep breath and went to the top of the stairs.

"Nate?"

He looked up at her and smiled nervously, "Can we talk?"

**Author's Note:** As I said, there are many similarities to the book, but it is mostly based off of the TV series. Hope you liked this chapter! Sorry if it was too short! How about this week's episode of Gossip Girl? Crazy huh? Loves it.


	4. Love on the Rocks

**Author's Note:** I am so pleased with the response this story is getting! Thank you for all the reviews and favorite adds! Chapter four is going to be a little aggravating, but it's very necessary. Dan/Blair will happen soon, I promise. Hope everyone is enjoying the holidays!

Chapter Four  
"You love the chase  
But hate me for the runaround  
We both just tired of the whole thing  
You tell me what you want  
You need, you know you have to have  
And I just pretend I'm listening."  
-Sara Bareilles

Although Blair's heart was hammering in her chest, she kept her appearance cool and aloof. Nate looked up at her, seeming almost regretful and angry. She figured it was because he was sorry about the whole fight and wished he had apologized sooner. Imagining that he had been eaten up with guilt for the past few days gave Blair some confidence and she sent Nate the most withering look she could muster. She shook her head and chuckled icily.

Walking down the stairs, Blair said, "What do you want to talk about Nate?" she smirked. "The fact that you hardly ever talk to me, that you lie constantly, or how about the fact that you accuse me of being wrong about your behavior, even though I'm right?" she shook her head. "Or maybe you want to talk about the fact that you care about Serena more than me?"

It hurt Blair just to say the words, but she knew it would hurt Nate more to hear them.

The expression on his face was that of someone being stung, or slapped, and he looked angry for a moment. The anger passed though, and he looked down.

He didn't say anything for some time, he didn't even look at her. Blair waited, hardly breathing, wondering what he was going to say, hoping against everything that he wouldn't walk back into the lift and forget all about trying to talk to her because she was a vicious bitch. But a certain feeling was chipping away at her anxiety, and that feeling was anger. What had taken him so long to come talk to her? Why hadn't he begged her for forgiveness when she had yelled at him in her bedroom? Why had he been asking Serena for advice? And why hadn't Serena helped her in turn?

When he looked up he stared at her for some time, and then he said, "You look beautiful."

"Don't give me that Nate," she snapped, even though her insides were tickled with happiness. "You came here to talk to me about something, so talk."

Nate looked away from her again for some time, at this point, Blair contemplated getting down on her knees and begging him for forgiveness, but luckily she didn't have to.

He spoke, "Blair, I don't want us to fight," he took a step toward her. "I want to be with you."

She snorted, "You could have fooled me."

"Blair, I know I've screwed up," he said, taking her hands in his. "I know I've screwed up multiple times, but I care about you... I want us to be together."

After looking down at their hands intertwined and feeling the warmness of his hands around hers, she looked back into his eyes, feeling her guard fall a little. She wanted this so badly, for him to beg her for forgiveness- for him to say that he wanted them to be together. _He wants to be with me_, Blair reminded herself. _I've been waiting for this- I cried for this! How come I'm not as happy as I should be?_ For a brief moment Blair thought of Serena, and then an image of Dan Humphrey briefly entered her mind and pushed her supposed best friend out of it. All she saw of him in her mind's eye was him laughing as the puppeteer teased her at Avenue Q. Why had it offended her so deeply? Why had it upset her that Dan laughed at the man's jibe at her attitude? She simply didn't know.

Nate gave her a sort of questioning look, "Don't you want us to be together?"

Confusion threw her off and she said, "Of course I do Nate! I want to be able to trust you too, but can any of that happen?"

"Yes! I don't ever want to hurt you again, I want you to trust me again and I want everything to be the way it was, without drama and stupid mistakes- Please, say we can be together."

He looked so hopeful and so scared that Blair felt herself nodding.

"If you really mean it this time- if you really want us to be together and you'll work at it."

Nate hesitated for a moment, and then he looked sort of tense but, he smiled, "I do this time, I really do."

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"Truman Capote."

"Huh?"

Dan looked over at Serena who was sipping her soft drink, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

He cleared his throat, "Oh- That's-uh- that's the writer of Breakfast at Tiffany's," he gestured toward the movie screen.

Serena turned and saw that the trivia question being asked was, indeed, 'Who wrote Breakfast at Tiffany's?'

"He wrote the movie?" she quizzed.

Dan replied, "No, actually, the book."

"There's a book?" she asked, leaning in a little, genuinely interested.

"Yeah, it's a short novel, a little different from the movie, but, ya know..."

Serena smiled, "Blair would probably know that- She knows everything about Breakfast at Tiffany's."

Dan felt his body stiffen a little at the mention of the tiny package of supreme Upper East Side elitist's name. After having dealt with the dream in which Blair Waldorf was some kind of Victorian-Marie Antoinette-Les Miserables-prisoner who he couldn't help, Dan had thought all about her during his subway ride over to meet Serena. He had been so distracted by the whole idea of the dream and the flaming eyeball cake in it, and Blair crying hysterically over it, that he had missed his stop and had to walk a few extra blocks for it. But now Serena was staring at him oddly and he tried to loosen up a little.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Dan nodded, "Yeah- I'm okay." Serena was about to ask another question, but before she could he cut her off. "So, what are you plans for the rest of the weekend?"

"Actually," Serena began rather suspiciously. "Tomorrow night is Nate's parents' anniversary party... It's not too fancy or anything, just at their house, dinner, drinks, music, talk- I was wondering if you wanted to go with me."

Dan paused.

"There will be a lot of people there- So many we won't even have to entertain anyone else or anything," she pressed on. "We could just hang out with Blair and Nate and Chuck- Or maybe not Chuck... Or no one if we didn't want to."

Without even pausing a second time, Dan nodded, "Sure- Yeah, I'll go."

"Really?" she smiled.

"Yeah."

Just then the lights of the movie theater dimmed, the sound went up, the audience quieted, and the previews began to roll. But as new movies for that year were being introduced and people were laughing along with them or being intrigued by a specific title, Dan felt a little distracted again.

Who was Blair Waldorf really? She obviously wasn't the character from his dream. Was she the girl from his poem? Or was she who she seemed to be during their double date? Was she something else behind that I'm Too Good For You Because You're From Brooklyn attitude? Because he was starting to think there was even something more to him than his immediate dislike for her. Maybe, he could even try to talk to her... Maybe they could learn to understand each other, what made each other tick, maybe they could be friends.

Or maybe they could be more.

But that didn't even occur to Dan. Well, not yet anyway.

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That night Blair took a walk along the city streets. She didn't roam too far from her own home, but she did walk rather far. It had rained in the middle of the day and now everything was glittering with drops of water, making everything seem magical and pretty. The air hung around her, cold and sharp to her lungs. She shivered, looked up at the sky, smiling to herself. Everything was seeming okay.

Earlier that day, after Nate and Blair had reunited, he had insisted they leave the house and go out to brunch. Since she had no desire to eat, Blair suggested they just stay in and she could order him a great big meal of whatever he wanted.

But Nate was insistent.

"We could get your favorite crepes from Le Patisserie and have a picnic in Central Park."

"Nate, it's freezing out," she had laughed.

He had looked around anxiously, "Why don't we go to my house? We could watch BBC and drink tea, you know, how we always used to do with Serena-"

Then, Blair's gaze had gone cold, "Why do you want to leave so much?"

Nate looked tense again, "It's just- Isn't your mom home?"

"No," she smiled. "Why?"

"I just, I thought it would be nice if we could be alone."

Blair nodded, moving toward him slowly, "I see where you're going with this."

She had placed her hands on his sides, underneath his coat, and looked up at him seductively. But, in return, he hadn't looked very excited. He did pull her closer, only as if on reflex.

"Come on," he said. "Let's go for a walk."

And they did. They had walked around Central Park and eventually ended up eating at a cute little organic food restaurant that had a nice Asian ambiance about it. Nate had been so normal, so conscious about what he said and how he treated her that she had forgotten about being upset. She laughed with him and enjoyed her meal, she even ordered a hot chocolate with whipped cream for dessert. And she was so content that she went to the bathroom after the meal and didn't even feel like throwing up, she only touched up her make-up and checked her message, then she met back up with Nate and they left.

It had been on their way home, in the cab that Nate had brought up his parent's anniversary party.

"I hope you'll be my date," he had said with a smile, holding her hand in his.

She kissed him lightly in response, "Of course I will."

And now she walked, thinking.

_I haven't talked to Serena_, she thought. _I wonder what she's been up to._

She decided not to call or text her though, she figured she would just see her at the Archibald party the next day.

Instead, she thought about what had happened when she had returned home that day. Nate had dropped her off by her doorman, kissing her goodbye and telling her he had some homework to work on and that he'd talk to her later. She had gone up to find her mother in the kitchen, drinking tea and looking through a smattering of portfolio photos and sketches.

"Where have you been?" Eleanor had said good-humoredly. "Out with Nate?"

Blair had gone to the refrigerator and grabbed a water, she froze for a second, and then slowly closed the door.

"How did you know?"

Eleanor shrugged, "Lucky guess."

"But the last time we talked about it Nate and I weren't even speaking," Blair reasoned.

Her mother paused for a moment, then she smiled, "Honey, I'm your mother- When you walked in here I saw that smile on your face!" she gestured toward her daughter. "It had to be that you and Nate got back together."

Blair smiled, "You were right- about everything being okay."

"Of course I was," was Eleanor's reply and she smiled knowingly at Blair.

And now Blair walked in warm contentment. Everything was falling into place. All she needed was Serena to be on her side as well, and everything would be perfect. Or so she thought. 


	5. Telling Lies

**Author's Note:** Gosh, I haven't updated since last year! Hardy har har. Just pretend that joke isn't played out. Hope everyone had a good holiday! And- um- Last episode? What is going on with the CW world? Isn't it a little too soon to throw in such wild twists? Shouldn't they at least wait for the second season for this intensity? Oh well. This chapter is going to be a very anti-Serena. This character is great and everything in the show, but in order for this story to work, she has to be a wench. Get ready. Get set. DAIR! (If that's even what we're calling them.)

Chapter Five  
"It's like a perfect picture  
Of ordinary life  
You hit the bottom  
To see if you're alive  
You'll be here sometime  
Traces in your eyes  
Bending backwards to look behind  
Pushing forward, killing time."  
-Great Northern

Dan wasn't exactly sure what to wear to the anniversary party. It wasn't everyday he went to a supposed casual affair on the Upper East Side, an affair in which his possible future girlfriend and closet muse were attending. And it wasn't like he often thought about his ensembles for hours on end, so he was lacking in the experience department. But everything he picked out seemed inadequate. Every outfit option seemed like it wasn't good enough. He needed help. And he didn't like asking for it, but he was desperate.

"Jenny!"

It only took a few moments before his small, blonde-haired Freshmen sister entered the room. Dressed in pajama bottoms and a huge sweatshirt, Jenny was enjoying her usual Sunday night ritual; watching _Desperate Housewives_ and giving herself facials. Lucky for Dan she hadn't gotten up to the second part yet, so her face was its normal color, and she didn't look too annoyed, which meant he hadn't disturbed her.

With half her body engulfed in her sweat shirt, she said, "What is it?"

"I need your help."

She rolled her eyes, "I'm not a psychiatrist, Dan-"

"No," he said, as she was turning to leave. "I need help picking out an outfit for the anniversary party Serena invited me too."

His sister's eyes seemed to light up as she began scouring his closet for something suitable, "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" she demanded as she tossed aside shirt after shirt.

"I didn't know I was supposed to tell you."

She threw a white button-up shirt at him, "This- Of course you're supposed to tell me! Things like this don't happen every day, Daniel- And these," she threw a pair of faded, but nice enough for a party jeans at him.

"That's it?" he asked, feeling unsatisfied.

While walking out of the room she said, "Put those on and I'll be back with one of Dad's jackets."

One of his dad's jackets? Dan felt a trickle of panic wedge itself in his brain. _I'm going to look like shit_, he decided. _Serena's going to be embarrassed by me and Blair won't even give me a passing glance she'll probably make a bitchy comment about it or something_. He groaned, but changed into the clothes his sister had handed him.

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Blair knew exactly what she was going to wear to Mr. and Mrs. Archibald's anniversary party. After she had left the odd conversation where her mother seemed to know just about everything, she had gone to Saks and bought a new black, beaded, lace cocktail dress. She knew it would be considered a little dressy for a 'casual' anniversary party, but she also knew that casual meant nothing on the Upper East Side, and bought knew Jimmy Choos to go with the dress instead of even considering it.

A few hours before the party she showered and prepared her hair, pinning it half up. She meticulously applied her make-up, adding a little smoky touch to the eyes, knowing Nate wouldn't be able to resist her.

At the time the party was beginning, Blair had only just slipped into her dress and was fumbling into her shoes while her mother told her to hurry up. As she finished with the straps on her shoes she stood up and made her way over to the dressing table. After popping a mint and giving herself a sprits of her favorite perfume, she felt she was ready and she met her mother in the foyer.

They weren't the first people to arrive at the party, by any stretch of the imagination. The Archibald penthouse was already crawling with impeccably dressed, well-bread people.

Captain and Mrs. Archibald came over and greeted them politely, making small talk and chattering away. Nate made his way over as well, looking nervous, but this went unnoticed by Blair, as did the look that passed between Eleanor and the Captain, and then Nate and his father.

When he approached her he kissed her on the cheek, which disappointed Blair. She thought a simple kiss on the lips wouldn't have been too much for the parents, but she didn't say anything.

"Look at the two of you," Eleanor smiled. "You are so perfect together," she said pointedly.

Mrs. Archibald nodded, "We'll have to have the family ring resized soon," she teased.

Blair felt her heart flutter. Wouldn't that be amazing, to be Nate's wife? It wasn't like she hadn't thought of it before, but the fact that his mom had mentioned the ring- it made it seem real, and that made her feel weak and happy. She laughed softly as the adults chuckled.

"Honey, we should introduce Eleanor to Monty- Eleanor, he's a great agent for this incredible modeling agency," Captain Archibald said, and began to steer his wife away from Nate and Blair.

His wife called, "Have fun kids!" and she, her husband, and Eleanor disappeared into the crowds.

"Did you miss me?" Blair purred, wrapping her arms around Nate's neck.

He smiled at her, "I just saw you yesterday."

"But _I_ missed you," she pouted.

Clearing his throat, "I missed you too," he conceded, but he was nearly cut off by a familiar voice echoing in the entrance hall.

"Blair! Natie!"

Blair pulled away just as Serena engulfed her in a hug, and then swept away and embraced Nate as well.

Nate was smiling widely now, "Hey Serena," he said. "What's up?"

"Nothing really," she replied. "I brought a date!" she pointed out, and grabbed Dan Humphrey's hand, pulling him into their circle.

Blair looked at him and felt her long-spun hatred for him burning. He didn't belong with them at that party, he didn't belong in Nate's house. But he looked like he did, dressed nicely, clean shaven, looking a little annoyed and a lot unperturbed. And the fact that he looked this way made something else burn inside Blair, something she couldn't quite figure out.

"Let's sit down," Nate decided, and he led them all to a couch against the wall, under a large window. "I'll get us all drinks- What do you guys want?"

"Nothing," Blair and Dan replied at the same time, sitting down at least a foot apart from one another. Blair glanced at Dan and he quickly looked at her, before they both avoided their eyes.

Awkward.

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"Well, I'm gonna get myself something- Serena?"

"I'll come with you," she volunteered, and they walked through the crowd and to the kitchen.

Dan sat beside Blair Waldorf, feeling his patience wearing thin. Serena had invited him to a party, she had talked nonstop about seeing Nate and Blair in the cab, without allowing him to speak a word edgewise, she had ignored him since they had gotten there, and now she was leaving him with the best friend he didn't even know. His jaw tensed and he leaned against the back of the couch. _What a mistake this is, my seeing Serena van der Woodsen_, he thought to himself, _she's nothing like I imagined._

And if being ditched by his date wasn't bad enough, Dan was sitting only sixteen inches from the girl he hated, the girl he abhorred and openly bashed. He was just over a foot away from she who had haunted his dreams- the Victorian-Marie Antoinette that flitted around his nightmares and caused him to write absurd poems, poems that described this same 'supreme bitch' he couldn't stand. But the second he had walked through the front door of Nate Archibald's penthouse, he had spotted Blair, and he felt his throat close up and his stomach drop. She looked beautiful, as was to be expected, in a pretty black dress, with smoldering eyes and wild hair. Dan tried his hardest to suppress line after line of poetry that entered his brain, convincing himself that once Serena returned everything would be fine. But as they waited in silence, Dan felt her natural body heat beside him. He smelled her sweet, flowery scent and saw out of the corner of his eye, the peeved look on her face. Everything about her made it hard for him to think of her anything other than his muse, and it made him feel guilty.

In a sad attempt to chip away at the awkwardness, Dan said, "So, do you know how long Nate's parents have been married?"

She glanced at him, with a smirk on her face, her eyebrows raised, "No, do you?"

"No," he laughed a little. "I can't say I do."

She turned her attention back to the crowd ahead of her, a crowd that had thinned out considerably since they had sat down. He tried to think of something else to say, something she would actually say more than a few words about, but nothing came to mind. For a brief moment he wondered what would happen if he announced, 'I had a dream about you the other night.' But he refrained himself from doing so. He was about to bring up some sort of aspect of school when he noticed she physically tensed beside him. He looked over and saw that her teeth were clenched tightly together, and her lips were set in a sort of disgusted frown. Her eyes were narrowed, but still big and doe-like, and she didn't blink.

Dan turned, trying to see what had upset her, but when he saw it, it only made his blood boil as well.

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Blair was only faintly aware of Dan's attempt at conversation. She listened halfheartedly and replied sarcastically, but he was a good sport and he laughed at her vitriolic responses. She was a little miffed that Serena had so quickly offered to join Nate to get drinks, and she was a little more pissed off by the fact that Nate had so eagerly agreed. But she tried to not let it bother her, she tried to not think about it too much and watched the crowd mingling in front of her.

It wasn't until the people she was watching moved out of the way, that she was given a superb view into the kitchen. In the kitchen, by the island counter, pouring drinks, were Nate and Serena; but Serena had her hand on Nate's arm, and their faces were close together, and they laughed and talked like they were dating, as if it was all natural to them. Blair felt hurt, like Nate would rather get drinks and flirt with Serena than her, and she wondered briefly if she was overreacting. But when she saw Nate take Serena's hand and start swinging it back and forth, her hurt solidified and she clenched her jaw.

She felt Dan looking at her, but she ignored him and when he noticed the expression on her face, he turned as well. Beside her, she could feel him breathing heavily, clearly as angry as she was that his supposed date was flirting with someone she ought not to have been flirting with. And they sat silently, fuming. And when Serena headed out of the kitchen and the crowd before her filled up again, Blair stood up and said curtly to Dan, "Excuse me," and she swiftly stood up, making her way through the hectic crowd and into the kitchen. Serena passed, tried to say something to her, but she ignored her and moved on, wanting to have a word with Nate.

Once she got inside the kitchen, she found that it was empty, but she heard voices sounding from the breakfast room that branched off from the room she stood in. She moved toward them, finding they belonged to Nate and his father. Because their voices sounded angry, Blair was going to leave, but she decided against it when she heard her name. Her ears perked up and she hid behind the door, listening carefully.

"Nate, we've talked about this," the Captain said angrily. "Why do you have such a hard time following my orders?"

There was hardly a pause before he replied, "Dad, life isn't some big ship, and I'm not under your orders- You can't control my life like this!"

The Captain laughed bitterly and said, "I can when I control the money in your bank account. As long as you're in this family and under this roof, I control you, do you understand me?"

Nate didn't answer.

"Whether that means keeping up your grades because I said so, or helping me with Eleanor Waldorf's account, you'll do it."

Her mother's account? Blair knitted her eyebrows together, leaning her head closer to hear better.

"Why are you yelling at me?" Nate demanded, "I've been doing everything you asked me to!"

The Captain's voice grew quieter as he hissed, "Yeah, but fraternizing with Serena van der Woodsen like you were isn't necessarily helping!"

"What, so now you're going to tell me who I can talk to, period?"

"What if Blair had seen you?" he retorted. "What if she had taken it the wrong way?"

Blair's heart was pounding in her chest and her breathing had grown shallow, what were they talking about? How was Nate helping her mother's account? And what did Nate flirting with Serena have to do with it? Why had that made Captain Archibald so angry?

Nate shot back, "It's hard for her to take it the wrong way, since it was what it was- I like Serena Dad, and I don't want to hide my feelings for her just because you tell me to-"

"Would you shut up?" the Captain snapped. "Lower your voice!"

Blair felt her throat close up completely and her hands go tingly. None of it made sense. If Nate liked Serena why had he gotten back together with her? Had he just figured it out now, in the kitchen, while she was sitting with Dan on the couch, that he Serena was his one true love? Blair felt sick and angry, hurt and depressed, but she didn't know what to do about it. She wanted to inflict pain on someone. Nate. Serena. The Captain. Maybe herself, because she obviously wasn't good enough.

"Listen Nate, Eleanor mentioned your little fight with Blair, and because it bothered Blair so much it bothered her too," the Captain sounded menacing as he spoke. "We can't have anything like that happen again or she'll cut us off from the account forever, do you understand me?"

"No."

"Read my lips, son: As long as I need this account, you are going to do whatever Blair wants, if she wants you to hand-pick her a bouquet for your wedding, than that's what you're going to do- And only if she wants to breakup, then you can be with Serena."

"And what if I said no?"

Blair didn't stick around to find out what the Captain's answer was, she felt like she was choking, and her stomach acids swirled violently. Before she could throw up all over the Archibald kitchen, she fled the room, ran up the stairs and into Nate's parents' bedroom. She slammed the door behind her and wrenched the bathroom door open and lifted the toilet seat in a flash, feeling herself heave and gag. Nothing wanted to come up though, so she shoved her finger as far down her throat as necessary, and waited.

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Serena smiled at Dan as she approached him, but Dan just stared at her coldly.

"Having fun?" she asked.

He cut right to the chase, "No."

"Why not?" she sounded hurt.

"Serena, I saw you and Nate in the kitchen," he told her truthfully. "If you like him why are you playing these games with me?"

She looked a little guilty, but mostly surprised, "I don't like Nate- What are you talking about?"

"You had s-"

"Dan!" she cut him off. "That was a mistake, something that happened a long time ago... It means nothing now."

He shook his head, looking at his hands.

"Honestly."

"It didn't look like it means nothing," he said, looking up. "Look Serena, I won't be mad if you just tell me the truth."

She shook her head, "Nate's my best friend's boyfriend- Of course I don't have feelings for him."

"That didn't stop you before," he said harshly, feeling it was necessary.

She stared at him, anger etched across her face, but she didn't say anything for quite some time. The silence that passed between them was thick and tense. Dan stared at her anyway. He allowed his gaze to drill itself into her eyes until she had to look away. She didn't say anything still though, so he waited. As the party squirmed and shifted around them, he waited. He may have had a short resistance when it came to Upper East Siders and their drama, but he had patience when it came to his pride, and he wasn't going to jeopardize his dignity just because Serena van der Woodsen wanted to play some kind of game where she was the princess and he was her sometimes suitor.

Finally, she said, "Maybe I still have some feelings for Nate," and she quickly continued before Dan could respond. "But I want to get over him and I want you to help me get over him," she told him, placing her arms around his neck and pouting.

Dan took hold of her wrists and placed her hands in her lap, "I'm sorry, Serena," he stood up. "I don't think that's my responsibility," and he walked toward the door.

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Blair leaned against the porcelain sink in the master bathroom, staring at herself in the mirror. After washing her face and brushing her teeth with some toothpaste and her finger, Blair felt a little better, but she was still pissed.

Nate had only gotten back together with her because her mother had threatened the Captain, and the Captain had spoken to Nate.

As she let this set in she felt even more pissed off.

He truly liked Serena, he had never gotten over her and now Nate couldn't have Serena because she was with Dan Humphrey, but Nate wasn't even happy with settling for Blair. Well, she was just fine with that, because she wasn't something to be settled for, she was something to be prized and cherished. People settled when they couldn't get _her_.

Just like almost every other time Blair got hurt or depressed, she set her emotions into accomplishing something, and that something was revenge on Serena and Nate, and anyone else she could gun down on her way to her goal. It took her a moment to think of something, anything, but nothing seemed good enough- No, nothing seemed bad enough. She wanted Serena to cry, and she wanted them both to know what it felt like to be lied to and deceived. She wanted them to experience her anger and her feeling of a new all time low.

_How did they do it to me? How did Serena and Nate hurt me so badly the first time?_ she asked herself. _They betrayed me... Nate cheated on me and Serena stole my boyfriend..._

Realization set in and Blair looked at herself in the mirror with wonder.

She would have to suffer quite a bit, and she'd have to lie to everyone, but she could do it, she could pretty much do anything to get back at those who had wronged her. So, before she could change her mind she hurried out of the master bathroom and bedroom and then practically flew down the stairs. She couldn't see Nate anywhere, but she spotted Serena's blonde head near the front door, looking pissed off.

Blair hurried through the crowd, but she casually walked up to her 'best friend.'

"Where'd Dan go?" she asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

Serena waved her hand toward the door, "He's leaving- I dunno," and she stomped through the crowd, away from her.

So Blair crept out the front door unnoticed, took the elevator downstairs and spotted Dan opening the door of a bright yellow cab. Before he could get in she called his name.

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Dan was surprised to hear his name being called. He thought Serena would be so pissed off at him that she would never speak to him again, and he was fine with that.

He turned, surprised to see Blair Waldorf running toward him.

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She pushed him into the cab, followed him inside and closed the door beside her. She gave the cab driver her address before Dan could even speak, and then, with all the passion and lust she could muster, she crawled on top of him and covered his mouth with hers. Underneath her she heard him make a sound of surprise, and he pulled away, looking at her as if she were insane. He almost couldn't speak.

"What are you doing?" he asked breathlessly.

"If you don't know, then we might be in trouble," she smirked, swooping down and kissing him again.

This time he didn't resist as much, he allowed her to poke and prod his mouth with her tongue. And at first, she didn't like it either, but after a few blocks she started to enjoy it. She ran her fingers through his short, dark hair, and he ran his hands up her lower back. He was a good kisser, and he was much more attentive than Nate had been the last time they kissed, and she found she didn't have to put so much energy into kissing him, thinking of it only as means of revenge, but it simply came naturally.

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He couldn't say that he wasn't surprised that Blair was kissing him, but he couldn't say he didn't enjoy it either. He had tried to stop her, but she had persisted, and now he just allowed him to enjoy himself. Having never made out in the back of a cab, it was a new experience. And since this was his muse he was kissing, he had no problem with it, it would make for a good poem... And it wasn't like he was any longer attached to Serena. So he kissed her back.

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Blair's plan was already set in motion, and she didn't even have to work that hard at it.

She had it all worked out already. She'd start some kind of affair with Dan, and be really hush-hush about it, dropping a hint to Serena and Nate here and there. She'd pretend to be busy all the time and she'd act like she was nervous other times. She'd buy a new cell phone and send herself suggestive text messages, and then she'd leave her phone around or ask Serena to check a message on her phone and they'd stumble upon it. But she'd never reveal the whole truth, not until the Constance Billard winter formal, where she'd unveil the affair, crushing both Serena and Nate in one punch. And before either of them could hurt her, they'd already be brokenhearted. _Hmmm, when I'm good_, she conceded, _I am really good_.

**Author's Note:** I know what you're thinking: This isn't romance between the two, this is psychotic behavior labeled fluff! I promise, they will truly like each other, but let's allow it to progress into that first, yes? I also know this chapter was kind of chopped up into sections but I wanted to show both their feelings and reactions, so if it is totally horrible and annoying this way, then let me know. Hope you liked chapter five! Next chapter is coming soon!


	6. Harder to Breathe

**Author's Note:** I'm glad no one had an outrageous hatred for the last chapter. Well, if they did, they didn't tell me about it. Gossip Girl season finale soon! Is everyone almost too excited? But why do we have to wait so long? And I have to put a word in about Heath Ledger, this is tragedy at it's finest. And I hope no one's jumping to the conclusion that he purposely overdosed; that's not actually confirmed yet. Anyway, back to this story, where Dair is on it's way, full throttle. Everyone get your umbrellas ready, the silly putty is about to hit the fan! Enjoy!  
**  
Chapter Six**  
"You drain me dry  
Make me wonder why I'm even here  
This double vision I was seeing  
Is finally clear  
You want to stay  
But you know very well I want you gone  
Not fit to tread the ground  
That I am walking on."  
-Maroon 5

It wasn't until Blair was in only her jeans and a bra, fumbling at the buttons of Dan's shirt, that he fully comprehended what was going on and took a moment to evaluate the situation.

This was Blair. Blair Waldorf. The same girl he was so sure he hated. The same girl he had often called 'supremest bitch of the Upper East Side.' This was the exact same Blair Waldorf that he used to wish Serena wasn't even friends with. And now, now he was kissing that same Blair Waldorf. He and that Blair Waldorf were tumbling around in her house, on her bed, with his hands having roamed a minority, but a very vast minority, of her body.

Why was he doing it? He was sure he didn't like her, he was sure he couldn't stand her. Was it something about the dream he had? Did that confuse his feelings for her just because she inspired some of his best poetry? Did he just respond in an intense way when approached by a girl the way Blair had approached him? Maybe he just wanted the physical affection of a girl, he was, after all, only a teenage boy. But, he still wondered why Blair was doing what she was doing. And he felt some small form of hope beating in his heart, maybe she liked him. This made him feel sick though, why did the thought of Blair liking him make him hopeful?

Suddenly, he pulled away from her and sat up, pushing her into a sitting position with him, "What is this?"

"We've been passed this, Dan," she teased, diving in to kiss him again.

"No Blair," he stopped her. "I want the straight up truth... Why are you kissing me? Why are we here?"

Blair rolled her eyes playfully. Truthfully, she had been enjoying their romp, even though it included a dark-haired boy from _Brooklyn_, and she couldn't understand why he was trying to talk with her, couldn't he just be physical like every other boy? But she thought of Audrey Hepburn, and channeled her best impression of an amazing actress.

She pretended like she was trying to hide something but wasn't very good at it, and she looked away, "Look, if this is about you and Serena and you feel guilty or something you should just leave-" she gestured toward the door.

"No," he grabbed wrist, cutting her off. "Don't worry about how I feel- Why did you come after me and kiss me into the cab? What are your real feelings, Blair?"

What were her real feelings? Blair wasn't sure she had ever been asked that. Hardly anyone ever cared how she felt. Everyone minded how she acted, not what was actually going through her head.

She replied, "I shouldn't have done it, you'll tell Serena, Nate will find out-"

"Blair!" he had to shout so she'd keep quiet. "Listen to me, okay? Just forget about Serena, and forget about Nate- How do you feel about this, why did you even do it? I thought you hated me?"

Blair took a moment to respond, she felt thrown because Dan seemed to actually, genuinely care about her feelings. She chose her words carefully and responded, "That was before."

"Before what?"

"I know I pretend to hate you, like I'm superior to you or something- But, ever since you started seeing Serena I always thought you were cute," she willed a pretend blush to done her cheeks. "And then I just heard about you all the time from her- And then you talked to me in the hallway at the photoshoot and I just- I didn't mean to- but I sort of got a crush on you."

All of it was a lie, but she felt she had to give herself credit on how much it actually sounded like someone's truth.

Dan looked surprised too, "Oh," was all he said.

"Maybe I shouldn't have pushed you into the cab and kissed you," she shrugged, looking vulnerable and cold in her lacy, light pink bra. "But when I saw you walk into Nate's house I just- I don't know- it's like I went crazy, and I needed you," she sighed. "Serena's going to hate me, and Nate."

He only said, "I thought you and Nate were happy together."

"You and Nate are two different people," she told him. "Nate is selfish and cold- You're warm and gentle, you talked to me- even when you hated me-"

"I didn't hate you-"

"Don't lie to me," she replied. "I know you think I'm a bitch, and I don't blame you, but even bitches need some affection sometimes."

"I see."

She looked up at him, believing every word he said.

"Maybe I should go," he got up, but Blair grabbed his arm.

"Wait!" she nearly cried. "Are you going to tell Serena? Is she going to be mad?"

He didn't bother to mention that he and Serena were technically in a fight, he only shook his head, "Don't worry about Serena, okay? I won't say a thing- But as her best friend I think you should tell her-"

"As her boyfriend you should tell her." She didn't mean to sound so pissed off when she said it, but she felt like she had to defend herself and she couldn't help it.

Dan looked at her for a minute, "Maybe we should just keep it to ourselves."

She nodded, satisfied.

And as Dan put on his jacket and headed for her bedroom door she stopped him again.

"Can I see you again?" she threaded her voice with vulnerability and longing, widening her eyes hopefully. "Please?"

He was silent for a minute, but then he nodded, and said, "We'll see."

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Dan sat on the subway, feeling disoriented and confused. He ignored anyone who bumped into him, missed a step on stairs, forgot to hold onto the railing and stumbled into an old woman who threatened him with a blow of her arm. But he couldn't help it. How could the world possibly ask him to pay attention to anything after what had just happened?

He hadn't inttended to make out with Blair, and he certainly hadn't agreed on seeing her again, and he had actually done both things. And on top of it he wasn't telling Serena. He felt guilty about that, but he knew he didn't have to. Serena was the one who was using him to get over Nate, she was the one who probably didn't even like him anyway. They had, after all, never been official, and bad ended on a very bad note when he left, so he convinced himself to forget his guilt and focus on Blair.

It was clear to him that he couldn't tell anyone about it, it would have to be a secret affair. If anyone found out it would be hell for both of them. People would look down upon Blair for dating someone so low, and people would look at Dan like he was crazy for screwing up the infamous Nate-Blair relationship and being with such a high class bitch. But she hadn't been a bitch when they were alone, and that's why he had agreed to see her again.

Asking to see him again, Blair had seemed so alone in the world, like she honestly and truly felt Dan could help her through it. And he figured she probably did need someone, her best friend and boyfriend were flirting behind her back, her mom seemed like she wasn't much on her side, her dad was gone, and all the girls in school talked about her behind her back, but to her face worshipped her, according to Jenny. So he decided to be her savior, because she did seem like something other than the bitch he knew to hate.

When they would see each other again and where was unclear to Dan, but he felt he was excited about the prospect of it. He had told Blair they'd see about another chance to see one another, but he had only said that so she knew she didn't have him on a leash. Which, to be honest, she kind of did, although he liked to think differently.

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_The poor boy from Brooklyn is already obsessed with me._

It was like a mantra, going over and over in Blair's mind as she went through her classes like nothing was out of the ordinary. She had a placid smile lingering on her face all morning, she answered questions and loned answers, as if some good-doing ghost had posessed her. People looked at her strangely, wondering who had slipped Blair Waldorf a happy pill. Some people even suggested that she'd hit her head and this was the after affect. But in truth, Blair was happy that things were going her way.

That is, she thought things were going her way until lunch.

She and Serena met in front of the massive school library and then walked together to the cafeteria. Blair, who was practically buzzing with the happiness of her kept secret, noticed that Serena was looking particularly sullen and wasn't talking much. When they finally reached the courtyard and sat down, Blair tried to make conversation, but it was clear that Serena wasn't in the mood.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked of her 'best friend.'

Serena looked dazed as she stared across the courtyard, and then she looked at Blair and replied, "I think Dan is mad at me."

In any normal case Blair would have made some snide remark about how Dan didn't matter anyway. But, given the circumstances, she made a face that said she was hiding something and made her voice sound thick and worried.

"Why do you think that?"

Serena looked up at the way Blair's voice sounded, and she said, "Well, let's just say if we had been dating he pretty much dumped me last night."

"What?!" Blair shrieked, causing a few freshmen to look over at them. "What are you talking about? When?"

The unhappy blonde's expression took on even more confusion, "At the party, right before you disappeared."

_Fuck!_ Blair screamed inwardly.

"Where did you go anyway?" she asked. "Nate and I were looking for you all night."

_Yeah right, sure you were._

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes, "I didn't feel well- massive headache- so I left."

Serena looked skeptical.

Blair's head was spinning though, so much so that she didn't even care if Serena believed her or not. Her plan was falling to pieces, and the very idea made her sick.

"Blair, what am I supposed to do?"

Knocked out of her busy thoughts, she replied, "Talk to him."

"What do I say?"

"I don't know," Blair snapped, feeling her frustration mount like a volcano about to erupt. "Say you're sorry for whatever went wrong-"

"But I didn't really do anything-"

"Does it matter? if you want to be with him?" she cut Serena off again.

The blonde girl shrugged, "I guess not."

"Exactly," she gave a nervous smile. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get a book from my locker."

She didn't go to her locker though, instead, she went to the girl's locker room bathroom, a bathroom she knew was deserted, and spent a good fifteen minutes trying to clear her mind and her stomach.  
**  
Author's Note:** I'm not totally happy with the result of this chapter, but I don't know how else I could change and/or fix it. I hope you all liked it! Chapter six is coming soon! And thanks for reading.


	7. Sweet Talk

**Author's Note:** I love watching the pilot episode over and over as much as the next Gossip Girl fan, but- geez, they sure hyped up an episode that wasn't worth being hyped up. Don't get me wrong, watching the cast being forced into talking about clothes and their characters and stuff is great, and they got some good shots of them laughing, but I was looking forward to a new, awesomely dramatic episode. And next week is going to be a repeat too? I wish these writers' strikes would just end already! Anyway... I hope everyone enjoys chapter six!

Chapter Seven  
"Lift me up on my honor  
Take me over this spell  
Get this weight off my shoulders  
I've carried it well  
Loose these shackles of pressure  
Shake me out of these chains  
Lead me not to temptation  
Hold my hand harder  
Ease my mind  
Roll down the smoke screen  
And open the sky."  
-The Killers

"What's up with Blair Waldorf?"

Dan felt his whole body tense as the question left his sister's mouth.

He cleared his throat, trying to sound nonchalant, "What do you mean?"

"All everyone was talking about today was how she was being really nice, like- too nice," Jenny replied, sitting at the island in their kitchen, peeling an apple.

"How should I know?" Dan replied a little defensively. "Why are you asking me?"

Jenny eyed him suspiciously, "Wasn't she at that party you went to last night?"

"Yeah?"

"Did anything happen at that party that would make her so happy?" she asked. "Did Nate Archibald propose?" she giggled.

The suggestion was like a swift kick to the stomach, reminding Dan that Blair was still officially dating Nate. And jealousy oozed from the hole that this coup left to his body, making him clench his jaw and feel anger vibrate under his skin. What made his anger increase, though, was the fact that he felt jealous of Nate at all, that he felt so desperately possessive of Blair, a girl he wanted nothing to do with only several days ago. He felt like he was losing control of himself, forgetting everything he had initially wanted, everything he had so faithfully believed. He had promised himself that he would help Blair, but he had not agreed upon the equation that he would fall for her. _And I'm not_, he tried to remind himself, wanting to beat himself up over it. But he couldn't help relishing the tantalizing pleasure of remembering their time together.

Jenny broke into his thoughts with a simple question, "Dan? Are you okay?"

He looked over at her, away from the spot his eyes had relaxed on the floor.

"You kind of look angry... Or confused?"

He shook his head, "I'm fine- Just- uh- hungry."

He turned away from his sister, and made his way over to their refrigerator. Truthfully, food had not crossed his mind. The idea made him a little sick. Like his sanity and sensibility, his appetite had gone out the window following his encounter with Blair. But he couldn't bear to look at his sister and lie straight to her, especially when she could so easily read between the lines of his face. He didn't want to give himself away either, so he rummaged around the shelves and drawers in the fridge, trying to look as if it was a perfectly normal Monday afternoon.

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Blair paced around her room, feeling as if her head was going to explode.

After coming home from school to find her house empty and quiet, she put on a pair of her dark 7 for all Mankind jeans and a Stella McCartney floral halter under a long, open, matching brown sweater. Her hair had been in an irritating bun that had looked stunning, but had driven her crazy all day, so she pulled it out and let her hair wild, forgetting to brush it completely. Such was the level of her anxiety.

She walked back and forth for some time, and then she peered down at her phone and sighed. Depending on how you look at it, she either plunged into the problem headfirst, or she gave up. Either way, she scrolled through her cell phone and found Dan's number, and with one calming breath, she pressed send.

And after one excruciating moment, it rang.

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When Dan looked at his ringing phone, he saw a number that he did not recognize, but he answered anyway.

"Hello?"

"Dan?"

His heart sped up, the voice sounded familiar.

He put his emotions in check and replied, "Yes?"

"It's Blair."

"How did you get my number-"

She cut him off, "We need to talk. I sent a car to pick you up."

"Wha-"

"Please, I really need to talk to you."

He paused for a moment, looking up to find Jenny staring at him. His pride told him to say no to Blair, to walk away from her and the toxic relationship that was sure to develop between them if he didn't allow himself to intervene. How could he let it even get this far? But Blair sounded desperate.

So he gave in, "Okay."

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Blair was standing in the front foyer when the elevator opened and Dan walked in.

For a moment she was stalled, taking in his appearance. He was dressed in worn jeans, a long-sleeved gray shirt, and a black vest-cardigan with gray ribbing. On anyone else Blair would have automatically scoffed at the outfit. But on Dan it actually looked good. He looked so endearing and honest. So much so that she wanted to run up to him, throw her arms around his neck, and smother him in kisses. But she shook her thoughts away, remembering what she really had to do.

"Thank God you're here!" she nearly shouted, hurrying over to him. She grabbed his hand in hers and pulled him away from the elevator and toward the stairs. "Come on, let's talk in my room."

As they ascended the stairs Dan swallowed, "Are you sure that's okay with your mom?" he asked.

"She's not home," she replied, giggling a little.

Dan seemed like such a little boy to her, as if Brooklyn kept him sheltered from the truth of the world or something.

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When they were safely situated within Blair's room, Dan looked around. The last time they had been there together he hadn't been able to fully take in his surroundings, and he used this opportunity to do so.

Nothing about Blair's room was immature or childish. It was feminine, but it wasn't girlie. The whole room was a soft white, except her carpet which was a majestic purple. The curtains drawn over her windows were transparent and white, but lilac drapes sat atop them, pulled back to let in some light. On one wall she had neatly arranged and framed black-and-whites of Audrey Hepburn, Paris, London, and varying beautiful spots in the world. They all rested above her bed, and Dan imagined them looking over he sleeping form. On another wall she had a huge photograph of a field of flowers, the famous purple flowers of France. Except the picture was black and white, save for the flowers, which captured all the color they must have possessed in real life. She had black wooden night tables, a dressing table, and a desk, which held a sleeping laptop. Her bedspread was a soft gray, with pillows of black, white, and shades of purple resting at the head.

"Daniel, why did you end things with Serena last night?" she demanded, closing her door behind her.

He shook his head, "I'm sorry- What?"

"Serena told me you and her weren't together anymore."

"Technically, we were never together," he told her.

She had to remind herself to be patient, "I know, but you could have been something- Why did you end things with her?"

Dan hesitated, he didn't want to tell Blair that Serena had been using him so she could get over Nate. Instinctively, because Blair and Nate were still together, he didn't feel like she would want to hear it. But he reminded himself that it wasn't his job to protect Blair, no matter his promise to be her savior. He couldn't bear to hurt her either. Simply imagining the pain that could fill her big, brown eyes if he told her made him shut up all together.

But, if Blair wanted to be with him, why did she mind so much that he and Serena weren't together anymore? Shouldn't she be happy for this? Dan's sense of wanting to protect Blair half turned into anger and suspicion. So he turned on her.

"Why does it matter?" he asked in return.

Blair was slightly taken aback by this, but she was quick to respond.

"Because, she's really hurt by it!"

Somehow Dan didn't believe this. It was Serena, the girl who had been using him, the girl who could find another guy at the drop of hat to use.

He gave Blair a sort of, 'Are you kidding me look?'

This surprised her further.

She had been so sure that she had the upper-hand, that he would be easy to sway, but he was proving her wrong.

She kept going, "What's that look for?" she asked. "Dan, she was almost hysterical! She kept going on and on about how she wished you two could make up and be together again."

He chuckled sardonically, "I think she'll get over me pretty quickly."

"No! She won't!" Blair nearly shrieked. "Please, Dan, get back together with her."

He raised his eyebrows at her, "Are you kidding me?"

She shook her head, pushing the innocent, helpless look into her eyes.

"I thought you'd be glad we weren't together anymore."

She didn't blink, hoping she could dry out her eyes and make them tear. It worked, and she made herself look away from him, "She's my best friend, and she wants to be with you."

"And you want to meet me in secret-"

"She's miserable Dan!" she stammered. "She's going to be miserable until she's back with you. I can't bear to see her this way."

He narrowed his eyes at her, "Don't you think she'd be pretty miserable if she found out you and I were planning on meeting in secret."

She was silent. He had her there, and she wasn't sure how to reply.

"Let me get this straight," Dan went on. "You're asking me to get back together with your best friend so I can cheat on her?"

She licked her lips, "It sounds horrible when you put it that way."

She tried her hardest to make herself seem like she was about to break down in sobs.

"But if that's what it takes for both of us to be happy, then yes, that's what I'm asking you to do," she said.

"Blair, I'm not going to do that," he said. "Just so you can both be happy? It's only going to get screwed up."

She shook her head, "Please, Daniel!"

"It's Dan!" he shouted back angrily.

She felt he was tugging at the leash, trying to pull away from her restraints, "You don't understand-"

"No!" he retorted. "You don't understand! Just because you want something doesn't mean it's going to be done."

Blair's ears perked up, she was sure she had heard the elevator downstairs.

Dan went on, "I can't believe you would be so-"

"Shhhh!"

He stopped dead, staring angrily at her, "Are you really shushing me-"

"Please!" she hissed, hurrying over to him and covering his mouth with her hand. "Be quiet."

They both listened. But everything was silent, save for their own breathing. And in that brief moment of silent Dan breathed in deeply. Blair's hand smelt like lilacs and shampoo.

Blair was distracted from listening for a moment, as she felt Dan's lips under her fingers. But then, as her attention turned back to the task at hand and she was confident no one was in the house, she dropped her hand and heard a voice, just at the top of the stairs.

"Blair?"

Without saying anything, Blair pushed Dan backward, toward her closet. They stumbled over each other, hissing and shushing as they did so.

"Heidi said you were here."

_Damn that German maid!_ Blair thought as Nate drew closer to her bedroom.

With much haste, she wrenched open the closet door and pushed Dan inside, stumbling in after him. Closing the door behind them both. They were drenched in darkness, save for the crack of light at the bottom of the door. They heard Nate's muffled words as they waited, eyes locked, pressed up against on another.

Blair's heart was beating uncontrollably as she heard Nate knock on her bedroom door, and then as he opened it. The look on her face must have been of pure terror, she was sure her eyes were wide and terrified, as Nate walked into the bedroom, because Dan took her hand in his, giving it a squeeze. She closed her eyes, trying to breathe and remain calm, but the smell of Dan's soap and body spray filled her nose and she felt her heart speed up considerably.

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Dan wasn't sure why he had squeezed Blair's hand for comfort in the closet, but he had done it.

Just seconds ago he had been furious with her, and he was a little annoyed at himself that they had to hide in the closet. He was better than this. He wasn't the type of person who hooked up with other people's girlfriends and had to sneak around because of it. He wasn't someone who would go out with someone when he knew he was going to cheat on them either. But something about Blair made him feel different and confused, like he wasn't really sure if he wanted to be who he was anyway.

The look of sheer panic and fear that had crossed her face had been upsetting, and because they were pressed together he could actually feel her heart beating violently against his. So he had grabbed her hand as they listened to Nate's footsteps entering the room, watching her close her eyes and breathe deeply.

He wanted instantly to kiss her, to take her in his arms and hold her. But he didn't, of course, especially when he heard Nate's voice again.

"Blair?"

Both Dan and Blair were deathly still as they waited.

Finally, after Nate walked across the room, toward the bathroom, he left, closing the bedroom door behind him. It wasn't until they heard the elevator hum to life downstairs that they even let a breath out.

"I'm sorry," Blair whispered, opening her eyes and looking up into Dan's.

He shook his head slowly, as if in slow motion, "It's okay."

Neither of them said anything, they only stared into each other's eyes. And then, without a word passing between them, they leaned forward.

Blair's lips barely touched Dan's, but he felt as if his mind was swirling. He wanted her, all of her, and he moved a half a centimeter forward, smothering her lips with his. She was slightly surprised by this, but in a good way, and she let out a little squeak. She stumbled backward, falling into a herd of shirts that were all lined up on hangers. Dan went down a little with her, but he braced himself with his hand against the wall behind the shirts, leaning into her even more.

Neither of them could deny the cozy privacy they felt as their kiss deepened between the shirts. All sound outside the closet was muffled, but the sound of their own erratic breathing and heavy sighs was magnified in the close space. As Blair slipped her tongue between Dan's lips he groaned a little, allowing one hand to find refuge within her soft curls. She giggled against his lips at his reaction, putting one hand on his chest, playing with the soft fabric of his vest.

They went like this for some time, teasing, sighing, laughing, stumbling, slipping, and clumsily exploring each other's mouths and lips in the darkness of the closet. The seriousness set in and Blair's hand slid to the waistband of his jeans. Dan's first reaction was to allow his hands to move from her hair to the area below her neck, the area that wasn't meant for boys to touch.

Instead, he stopped himself and pulled away.

"We should stop," he whispered, only a breath away from Blair's lips.

Her eyes remained closed as his warm breath tickled her face, "No," she pouted, letting her arms rest around his neck. "More."

"Blair," he said warningly.

She opened her eyes, "You're not like most boys."

"Thanks?" he chuckled, his hands on her hips.

She smiled, milking her performance, "You make me happy."

This made him stop for a moment.

"I'm glad," was his reply.

"But Serena..." she trailed off. "Daniel, please, just give her another chance."

The way she said 'Daniel' made chills run up and down his spine. No one called him Daniel, not even his parents, and when teachers mistakenly did he corrected them quickly. But when she said it he found that he smiled. He liked it. To his surprise, he really liked her.

He was shocked and disgusted as he heard himself asking, "Will it make you happy?"

"Yes."

He sighed, "I'll call her, okay?"

"Thank you," she hugged him, burying her face in the material of his shirt. "Thank you so much!"

He said, "Don't expect me to do things like this all the time though."

She smiled in the darkness, "I don't."

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That night, Dan sat on the fire escape outside of his window, holding his cell phone within his clammy hands.

He told Blair he would call Serena, and he intended to do it. And he decided he would do it that very night. Like ripping a bandage off, he would just get it over with. He sighed deeply, feeling his shoulders sag as he found her number and let it ring.

"Hello?" Serena's semi-cheerful voice answered.

Dan closed his eyes as he said, "Hey Serena. It's Dan."

"Dan!" she cried. "It's so good to hear your voice!" she cooed. "I was afraid you would never talk to me again!"

He could hear the pout in her voice, making him cringe a little. She had been using him. She hadn't truly liked him when she had made plans with him. She had only wanted to get over someone else, someone else who had a girlfriend. And he felt like he was turning over his dignity and pride to a butcher, a butcher who was going to dice it up and put it in a soup that was going to nourish the people he hated most. But he did it anyway. Even though he felt like he was betraying himself, he did it, because Blair had said it would make her happy. And for some reason that felt important to him.

He nearly winced as he said, "Yeah, I overreacted yesterday."

"No," she said. "I can totally understand why you'd be upset!"

_Because I have a reason to be!_ he wanted to shout.

Instead, he said, "Yeah. Anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to go out this weekend?"

It seemed like he was digging his own grave.

"Sure!" she replied.

He nodded to himself, trying to put some enthusiasm into his voice, "Great. I'll talk to you about the details later, okay?"

"Okay!" she said brightly.

"I'll talk to you later."

She giggled, "'kay! Bye!"

And they hung up.

_You promised Blair. You're doing it for Blair,_ he reminded himself.

This only led him to think about their afternoon in the closet, which, in turn, led him to a cold shower.

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That night, after halfheartedly working on her homework, Blair recalled the kiss in the closet with Dan. She wondered how far she would have gone if he hadn't stopped her. She wondered if he was turned off by her, and that's why he always made them stop. Or maybe he was just different from all the other guys, the guys _she_ always had to stop.

Finding herself a little flustered by it, Blair hoped to rid herself of any romantic thoughts of Dan.

He was only part of her plan after all. And so what if she had fun with him on the way?

It's not as if she was going to genuinely like him.

She was slipping into some sweats when her cell phone rang.

Serena was calling.

"Blair!" she shrieked, only a moment after Blair answered. "Guess who called me!"

Blair knew.

"Who?"

Serena shouted, "Dan!"

"Really?" Blair smiled to herself, knowing full-well that her plan was working. "What'd he say?"

"He said he overreacted and that he wanted to go out this weekend!" she relayed.

Blair faked happiness, "That's great."

"I know! I'm so happy!" she laughed. "What do you think I should wear?"

The brunette rolled her eyes, _as if I care_, she thought to herself, but said, "Your new Marc shirt, you now, the blue one."

"Really?"

"Yeah- Listen, Serena, I'm really sorry, but I gotta go, my Mom's freaking out over something," she lied. "But we'll talk about it in school tomorrow, okay?"

Before her friend could reply, she hung up.

All romantic feelings had been replaced with feelings of depression. Whereas Blair was sure she'd be happy that her plan was working out, she felt solemn and confused, like all her thoughts were messed up and askew. She hated this feeling of uncertainty, and it made her anxious, bringing on an unexpected bout of nausea. Without even a second thought, she hurried to her bathroom, but found she could not throw up, no matter how far she shoved her finger down her throat. But the violence of her dry heaves had left her in a cold sweat and a terrible headache.

Feeling as if all her happiness had been misplaced, Blair took a cold shower, finding the violent shivers calmed her down almost as much as anything else would.

**Author's Note:** Oh... Drama. Hope you liked chapter six. It was a bit long, and a bit- er- romantic? But I hope that sits well with everyone! Let me know your thoughts!


	8. Trading Air

**Author's Note:** Again, your reviews are so encouraging! I've never gotten such a positive response to a story before and I'm so grateful to everyone who's reading! Hope you all like chapter seven. It's gonna be a doozy.

Chapter Eight  
"Covered ground  
Just to reach your house  
I know we need to talk  
But I can't catch my thoughts  
Insides gripped  
Scared of what you'll think  
Words I can't repeat  
Could change all we've got  
Set it off  
Someone better hit the alarm  
Someone better help me disarm myself  
I don't want no one else  
All I want is you."  
-Athlete

"I feel like I haven't seen you forever."

That Friday night found Blair seated across Nate at a trendy Japanese restaruant. The walls around them were covered by a taut papery material, with cultural symbols and cherry blossoms painted onto them in black paint. A paper lantern, dimly lit, hung just above them, casting Nate's face into a slight shadow. The comfortable booth underneath them was upholstered in red fabric and a little tea candle flickered between, causing their eyes to dance and swoon.

Blair smiled kindly at Nate's comment, saying, "I know, school's been so crazy." Over the table she took her hand in his, "But we're together now."

Her words were almost edging toward acidic as she spoke to him. He was so convincing in his act of wanting to be a doting boyfriend. It almost made her worry that everything she had been planning and thinking about was a bad idea. Maybe he did like her, she tossed the idea around in her brain. She had thought he would have been less of a perfect boyfriend since she knew his dad was forcing him into it, but he wasn't. Upon picking her up he had complimented her on how pretty she looked. And after an excruciating two hours of deciding what to wear and a meticulous time at doing her make-up and hair, she felt like this compliment was much deserved. Following that he opened every door for her, held her hand, kissed her discreetly on the cheek in the cab, and stared at her adoring over their chopsticks and sushi rolls.

It made her so happy and so angry at the same time.

After all, she did like Nate- she loved him- but she was sure that their date would fuel her anger to hurt him. Instead, it only made her question her own actions. Was she making a mistake? Had she gotten everything wrong?

All through dinner she had convinced herself otherwise. Even if they were having a conversation she was talking herself into not liking him, into being even more pissed off at him.

_Nate is being threatened into dating me._

He said so himself that he didn't want to go along with it.

The Captain said he needed him to date me for my mother.

My mother is on this too.

Nate doesn't really love me.

All these smiles and kisses and looks and words are made up.

He said it himself - he likes Serena.

With that the thought, the image of her best friend and Nate standing in the kitchen of Nate's house, eyes locked, laughing and touching each other any chance they got, entered her mind. And just like that her anger multiplied. She put all of her energy into surpressing these romantic feelings she had for Nate, and she put up a shield to any and all compliments. She reacted accordingly to his romantic gestures, but her heart ignored them. She knew what it was like to get hurt. That's what had happened when she let herself believe her parents were in love, when she allowed herself to think they were a happy family. That's what had happened when she had trusted Serena. She just got hurt. So she channeled all her will-power and followed the initial outline of her plans for Nate and Serena.

And that was the single thing that got her through dinner.

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After having gotten a quick bite to eat at a small cafe not too far from Dan's house, he and Serena walked through Central Park, trying desperately to pull at the straws of conversation. She was grasping for things to talk about, things that Dan would understand and relate too, things that weren't about Blair, Nate, or the Upper East Side. Meanwhile, Dan had given up on his quest to help her along with the conversation, finding it difficult to listen to anything she was saying. No matter what the topic was she ran rampant with it, talking in a way that reminded him of an ADD ridden toddler. He nodded and made appropriated noises in all the right places, but he gave up responding intelligently. It didn't matter though, because all of her topics turned to Blair or Nate somehow, and he'd find himself distracted and tense, and she barely noticed, talking and talking and talking on and on.

It baffled him to think he had been interested in her.

Sure, Serena van der Woodsen was beautiful- like a Greek goddess in many ways- but he realized, that's all he knew of her. And like a goddess she seemed, despite her erratic behavior, to be a little commanding and slightly selfish. He had been drawn to her by beauty, captured by flirtation and intrigue. And now that they were getting to know each other, he got the impression that she was shallow and a little too wild. It was as if she was on a constant sugar-high, and it made him feel tired.

Not sure whether or not she truly was shallow, or whether or not they just wouldn't work out together, Dan wasn't sure. He went along with the date though, trying to give her a fair chance.

"Oh my God!" Serena exclaimed as they neared the boathouse near Central Park South.

Dan was sure she was going to jump into a twisted tale of how she, Nate, and Blair had fed imported French bread to the ducks in the lagoon when they were little, so he braced himself. But instead she grabbed his arm and pulled him across the pathway, closer to the water.

Her face was cracked in a smile and she said, "It's Blair and Nate!" She called their names as she neared them. "B! Natie!"

Feeling a little thrill of excitement run through him, Dan followed Serena, seeing that Nate and Blair were, indeed, standing by the lagoon. When he saw Serena, Nate smiled, but Blair looked a little tired. She saw Dan walking toward them slowly, a playful smile tugging at his mouth as Serena and Nate hugged. A small smile pushed it's way onto Blair's lips as well, even as she hugged Serena hello and Dan walked up to her. They tried very hard to hide their feelings, to prevent the smiles on their faces from revealing the truth. Serena and Nate hardly noticed, so thick was the proverbial bubble they were surrounded by themselves.

Blair was confused that she felt such immense relief to see Dan.

Upon his and Serena's arrival, she and Nate had been talking about Yale and their families, trying to force idle, easy chatter from their mouths. She had been bored and annoyed, leading to an overwhelming feeling of fatigue that clouded her mind. Until she saw Dan crossing the pathway over to her that is. Even as Nate and Serena hugged and laughed and chatted like toddlers, Blair felt her annoyance wash away, and the fatigue vanished along with it. She hugged Serena when she said hello, but her eyes remained on Dan, and his on her. She recalled their kiss in her closet and felt herself blushing.

She stopped herself then.

What is this? she demanded of herself. Blair Waldorf does not allow guys to have this affect on her, she does not allow them to make her blush unless she permits it!

She tore her eyes away from Dan to look at Nate, and saw that he and Serena also had their eyes locked together. He was looking at her so adoringly, and she was looking at him as if he were the answer to all of life's mysteries. And Blair felt a stabbing in the pit of her heart, she would not allow this kind of betrayal to take place unless she had the upper hand.

"What are you guys up to?" Serena asked excitedly, looking not unlike a small child on Christmas.

Showcasing traits not too different from that of a lioness, Blair put a territorial arm around Nate's waist and leaned against him, "We just went to Tokyo Chii's," she said with a dazzling smile. "What about you guys?"

"We went to Arnie's, this great cafe over by Dan's, and now we're walking around."

"Do you guys have anything planned?" Nate asked.

Serena glanced at Dan and then shook her head.

Nate offered, "We should all go to Starbucks or something- It's getting pretty cold out here."

"That's a great idea!" Serena nearly shrieked.

Dan and Blair exchanged a glance. Obviously they had no say in the matter.

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Sitting, crowded around a little table in Starbucks, Blair found herself actually having fun with Serena, Nate, and, of course, Dan. Their last double date had been a disaster, so she was surprised at how much she was enjoying everyone's company. Lately she couldn't stand Serena or Nate, and Dan was just a pawn in her game, but she was having fun with them. It felt like old times, but with a new friend, and new circumstances.

Dan, on the other hand, didn't feel so comfortable with Nate, who he hardly knew and pretty much hated. And he certainly wasn't comfortable sitting at a table with the girl he was supposed to be seeing, the best friend he was practically cheating on her with, and that girl's boyfriend. He wasn't at ease, but he was having fun. He was glad to joke around and be friendly with Nate and Serena if it meant Blair would smile the way she was. She hadn't stopped smiling since they had sat down. She giggled and talked and got excited and laughed loudly over the silliest things, but it made him feel like he was actually helping her. The Blair he saw now was a far cry from the Blair he had hated just a week before, and he felt like he was a part of that.

"Nate, you went to Cannes with my brother and me that year for my birthday, right?" Serena asked, the segway into some story of her and Nate as little kids, which would, without a doubt, branch off into about six hundred inside jokes.

Dan glanced over at Blair to see her reaction, and she looked his way too. The look he sent her was so deep that Blair felt chills run down her spine, along with a little thrill of excitement. He felt it too, and he tried not to smile too broadly at her as she tried to keep her face straight. She stared at him like that for some time, and then he noticed Serena cut off midsentence. He turned and looked at her.

"Blair, is that your foot?" she asked.

A little look of surprise crossed Blair's face as she realized she had been running her pointed toe up and down Serena's leg seductively. She masked it well though and said, "Whoops! I thought it was the table leg."

Serena looked a little unsure, but she launched back into her story. Dan realized Blair had been trying to play footsy with him, or something of the like, and he ended cracking up in laughter. This, in turn, made Blair giggle uncontrollably. They laughed and laughed until tears were streaming down their faces. It was funny, but not to the extent they were making it, but they couldn't stop laughing anyway. And for once Nate and Serena were left confused and out of the loop.

_Who knew plotting against my boyfriend and best friend could be so fun,_ Blair thought to herself as she wiped away the tears that were, finally, from laughing too hard.

**Author's Note:** I'm not exactly thrilled with this chapter, but I do think it's necessary... At least the beginning and some of the end is. Despite what I think I hope you all liked it! Next chapter is coming soon! Thanks for reading and reviewing.


	9. Pet Hate

**Author's Note:** I'm glad you guys got a kick out of the last chapter! That's what I was going for. I've been scouring YouTube, devouring all of the Dan/Blair music videos, absorbing all the inspiration I can get from them. Not that I'm not inspired, but you know what I mean. Anyway, here's chapter eight! Hope you all enjoy it! Thanks for reading and reviewing! Enjoy!

Chapter Nine  
"I would hate to disappoint you  
But I think- I think I'm gonna fall  
'cause I'm scared of everything I can do  
And I'm drawn to everything that's wrong  
And even though I can, you don't.  
Turn around and take a look  
Take a laugh at my face  
You learn to love the ones you hate  
Even though I can, you don't."  
-Nine Black Alps

It was later that same night of her double date with Dan, that Blair returned home, feeling elated and content. After leaving Serena and Dan at Starbucks, she and Nate had gone to Nate's house and watched movies. It had been quiet and a little awkward, but she and Dan texted on and off the whole time, so it was bearable. After nearly two hours, though, Blair lied and said she should probably leave and do some homework. She had taken a detour on her way from Nate's house to her own, to a boutique that was always extraordinarily expensive, but her absolute favorite, and treated herself to two new dresses, four pairs of shoes, a new coat, and a new beret. And with shopping bags in hand, a spring in her step, and a smile on her face, Blair stepped onto the floor of the foyer of her home.

"No- No!" she heard her mother say impatiently, oblivious to the opening elevator. "I'm not telling you again, John- I will not allow him any custody!"

She heard a semi-familiar man's voice reply, "Eleanor, he only wants joint-custody-"

"I don't care if he only wants custody of her toenail! He's not suited to be a father."

Blair crept over to the doorway of the living room, hiding behind the wall, listening carefully. She realized her mother was talking with her lawyer, about the divorce and the terms in which it would end, about her father, the man her mother now hated. Feeling as if she were being pulled in two directions, Blair quietly placed her shopping bags on the floor near her feet, crossing her arms and straining her ears.

Did she believe her father was a horrible person? like he shouldn't be her father at all anymore because he cheated on her mother with another man? Or did she have the right to feel separately for her mother? After all, he hadn't done it to hurt Blair. But he had lied, and he had hurt her mother and she felt she should defend her. The life they had had been ruined, he had made everything complicated and horrible, and all the rumors that had followed had been unbearable. And he was gone, he had left her and hardly ever cared enough to visit her or call from France. She felt her stomach roiling and twisting in her body.

The lawyer, Mr. White, sighed, "Eleanor, she'll obviously live with you here in New York, but he'll be able to visit her-"

"No! I don't want him to see her at all!" she barked. "He'll have to call and ask permission through you if he ever sees her or spends time with her."

"That's slightly-"

Eleanor cut him off again, "He was unfaithful and he was the one who decided to leave," she reminded. "He does not have the upper-hand here, John."

"Perhaps we should ask Blair what she wants," he offered.

Blair felt her heart speed up, she wasn't sure she could make the decision for them, or even for herself, she felt so confused.

Eleanor sighed, "Maybe when she gets home- She sometimes stays at her best friend's so we might have to wait- Until then, let's just go over the property settlement."

As it was already ten at night, Blair knew this session between Eleanor and her lawyer could last well into the middle of the night. Especially with the mess that was her parents' divorce, she knew it would take quite awhile for everything to be sorted. She felt like she was a prisoner in her own house though. She didn't want to be stuck choosing between her parents, and she didn't want to hear the arguments over what belonged to whom and who deserved this or that from her bed. So without even a second thought, she got back in the elevator, not even caring if her mother heard and knew she was leaving. Within minutes she was back into the crisp night air, shivering, confused, without a clue as to where she was going to go.

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A movie marathon of art documentaries at the SunView that would run until midnight? 'No thanks,' was Dan's reply as his father and Jenny bundled up for the walk over to the theater. He was surprised his younger sister would even be interested in something like that. He knew she loved art, but he guessed she loved it more than he originally thought. She told him it would be fun, that he should join them, but again: No thanks. They left only moments after he returned from his date, telling him that he was missing out. He was sure that they were wrong.

It was early, only eight o'clock or so, and he was glad he would have the loft to himself for the night.

For some time he listened to music and dabbled with some rhymes in his notebook. But mostly he mulled over his double date. The image of Blair smiling and laughing kept entering his mind, and he found he would smile along with it. He remembered her trying to play footsie with him and the look on her face as she failed. He remembered, with some anger and jealousy, her putting her arm around Nate's waist before Starbucks, in Central Park, a completely territorial gesture that set Dan on fire. But she was just pretending with Nate, right? She was doing that to keep up the charade that they were happily together? But, why keep up a charade? What was the point?

After Blair and Nate left Starbucks, Serena and Dan had stayed there for only a half hour. The conversation dwindled and Dan finally said he had a book report to work on. It was a total lie, he knew, but he was feeling desperate to get out of the clutches of total boredom and pointlessness. He found Serena a cab, pushed himself to kiss her on the cheek, and then said good bye.

And now, here he was, home, watching television, feeling a little dejected and tired.

Suddenly, his phone began to buzz against the coffee table.

He picked it up, finding he had a text from Blair.

Blair: Hey

He smiled and texted back

Dan: Hey. Seduce any table legs since we last spoke?

After a few minutes she replied.

Blair: Yes. Jealous?

He laughed.

Dan: How did you know?

And the banter continued on and off for a few hours, until it came to a mutual pause. During this pause Dan read a bit and then, without meaning to, dosed off on the couch. He didn't wake up until an hour or so later, when his phone began to ring.

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Blair had been walking for nearly forty-five minutes. Her toes were cramped and numb, and she was shaking all over. She contemplated going to Serena's but quickly dismissed the idea, realizing she had had enough of her best friend for the weekend. She thought about going to Isabel's or Kati's but they'd ask too many questions and drive her crazy. She considered going to Nate's but didn't feel like seeing him so soon after their departure either. A hotel? Just go back home? She didn't feel like being alone, or hounded by her mother's lawyer.

She skimmed the contacts list in her phone, and it didn't take long for her eyes to find Dan's name.

Feeling horribly depressed and anxious, and having no desire to walk the cold city streets until the wee hours of the morning, Blair called him, telling herself it was simply a last ditch effort.

It was during the middle of the last ring that Dan finally picked up.

"Hello?"

He sounded groggy and disoriented, as if he had been sleeping.

Blair stopped walking and put a hand to her mouth, "Oh- I'm sorry! Did I wake you up?"

"Yeah," he laughed, his voice thick with sleep. "But it's okay- What's up?"

She didn't say anything for some time, but finally told him, "Look, I'm really sorry to bother you like this, but I have nowhere else to go-"

"Blair? What is it?"

Her voice cracked, as she was near tears and she didn't even realize how it had happened, "I need somewhere to go. I d-don't want to be alone."

"What is it? What happened?" he was suddenly wide awake, concerned and panicky.

"It's nothing- Just- I know it's late, but would it be okay if I came over?" she stammered.

He didn't hesitate to answer, "Yeah, it's fine. My dad and Jenny are out until midnight, and I'll hide you in my room if I have to later on."

She smiled to herself, and let out a watery laugh, "Thanks."

"Just come on over, okay?"

"Okay," she said, and was on her way within minutes.

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Blair had never been in Dan's house, but she was surprised at how comfortable she found she was there. It wasn't dirty or unwelcoming like she had expected a Brooklyn loft to be, but it was cozy and friendly, lived-in and warm. As soon as she entered Dan took her coat and asked her if she was okay. She nodded silently, feeling even more depressed over the circumstances with her parents. Dan asked if she wanted something to eat, or something to drink. Water? Juice? Tea? Coffee? Hot chocolate?

"Tea, if it's not too much trouble."

He smiled and led her into the kitchen, "It's fine," he said and told her to sit at the island counter.

She watched, half-amused, half-depressed as he moved around the kitchen, glancing at her every once in awhile. It seemed like he thought she was about to break or go off at any moment, and he was cautious. Even as he handed her the mug of steaming tea he did it slowly. Like any sudden movement might send the house of cards to the ground.

"Thank you," she told him, sipping the sweet liquid, allowing it to warm her frigid limbs.

Dan wasn't sure what was wrong with Blair, but he wanted her to feel better. From the look on her face and the tone of her voice, he was sure it could be anything. A death in the family? Was she pregnant with Nate's baby? He shuddered. Was Serena mad at her? Did everything in life finally send her into a downward spiral? He hoped it was just a matter of 'I got into a fight with my parents over college.' That was at least, somewhat, okay.

He looked at her, wary, as she drank her tea, looking small and fragile, like a little kid in an adult's chair. "Are you sure you're okay?"

She nodded, "I'll be fine."

Something about the way she said it, about the way she looked so small and vulnerable, about the sadness in her big, doe-like eyes, and about the way she was showing him this weakness, made Dan move around the island, to stand beside her. She turned and looked at him, eyes expectant, as if she was waiting for him to make everything better. He put his hand right below her ear and cupped her face in his hands. She almost shivered at the warmth he offered. She wanted more of it, and, without even thinking, she stood up and gently covered his lips with hers.

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"Does he have a middle name?"

Dan rolled his eyes playfully, "Can we stop talking about this?"

"No," she poked him in the chest with her free hand. "Does he have a middle name or what?"

"Why would he have a middle name?"

She shrugged, looking at him from where she lay, nestled against his side on his bed, "You gave him a first name."

Sighing, Dan gave in, "It's Michael."

"Cedric Michael?" she asked, her eyes alight with laughter.

He was slightly embarrassed, but he smiled all the same.

They sat in a comfortable silence for several long moments. Blair stared at Dan's old Cabbage Patch doll, somehow feeling content and confused at the same time. Dan was being so nice to her, letting her come to his house so late, allowing her to stay as long as she needed, being so quick to invite her over in the first place. It seemed like he genuinely cared about her. She felt a little guilty, but also extremely happy. He cared. She would show Nate and Serena.

Dan was happy as well, but a little worried. Blair wouldn't tell him why she had called him with nowhere to go. Why couldn't she go home? What could have happened that had driven her from her own home, a place that was supposed to feel safe, like a sanctuary? But he was happy he could help her, proving to himself that he was doing the right thing by spending time with her, even while he was 'dating' Serena. He felt as if he was saving her somehow.

Suddenly, Dan's ears perked up, he heard the front door open.

They both froze.

"Dan! We're home!" his father called.

Blair looked slightly nervous, "Should I leave?" she whispered. "Should I, like, sneak out on the fire escape?"

He chuckled, talking low, "Don't be silly."

Standing up, Dan gave her a reassuring look and walked over to the door. He went into the hallway, closing the door behind him. He found his father and Jenny in the kitchen, talking and making sandwiches.

"Dan!" Jenny said excitedly. "You missed out! The documentaries were so cool!"

Dan laughed a little, sarcastically saying, "I'm sure they were."

"How was your night?" his father asked.

He shrugged in response, "Fine."

"What'd you do?"

"Just stayed in- ya know."

His father nodded, concentrating on his cold cuts and bread.

Dan felt like his cue to secure his privacy and leave was now at hand.

He cleared his throat, "I'm kind of tired so I'm gonna go on to bed, but- uh- I've been thinking about it and can you guys just not walk into my room without knocking?" he pretended to be annoyed. "I'm just saying."

Rufus Humphrey and his daughter exchanged a look and smirked at Dan, thinking his behavior was odd, but blaming it on simply being a teenager.

"Okay Dan, whatever you say," Jenny said, her tone snarky and sarcastic.

Dan nodded then, "Okay then. Well, goodnight."

He left the kitchen, retreating back into his room, where Blair was sitting up on his bed, sort of hugging Cedric.

As soon as his door was closed she stood up, "I should go."

"No," he stopped her. "I mean- You don't have to if you don't want."

She stared at him for a moment, and the feel of her eyes locked with his made him shiver slightly.

"I don't?" she asked.

He shook his head.

"I can sneak into Jenny's room and grab some shorts or something and you can borrow one of my t-shirts or something if you want to stay the night," he offered. "They won't even know the difference if you don't want them too."

She nodded, "I'd rather it be a secret."

He agreed, "Do you want me to get you something to wear?"

"Sure," she replied, sounding entirely unsure.

Dan snuck into Jenny's room under the garage door that separated their rooms. He grabbed a pair of pale pink boxer shorts from her pajama drawer and returned with them. After finding a clean St. Jude's shirt of his he gave them to Blair and said she could sneak across the hall to the bathroom.

After making sure the 'coast was clear' she tiptoed across the slim corridor and hastily changed in the bright lights of the messy Humphrey bathroom. It was so typically _male_ that she had to smile. There was a tube of toothpaste curled up and empty along the side of the sink, with the cap missing. At least seven toothbrushes were collected in a chipped mug next to the faucet. The medicine cabinet was open to reveal several razors and shaving cream, and there were some mustache hairs in the sink. She scrunched her nose at the sight of it, turning away and noticing the cardboard toilet paper rolls that littered the floor by the toilet. She giggled a little, finished changing, and then opened the door cautiously.

Dan was waiting for her outside of his bedroom, he looked up the hall and beckoned for her to hurry. She did so, and retreated into the room. Dressed in the baggy boxers, the cavernous t-shirt, and nothing else, Dan couldn't help but smile at the sweetness in Blair's appearance. Without her severe, carefully chosen clothing, in simple, relaxed attire, she looked vulnerable, but sweet. She was practically lost in the fabric of his shirt, but the boxers were short and he could see the long expanse of her legs, giving way to small, perfectly pedicured feet. Her legs were thin, almost too much so, but even from his spot several feet away from her he could see they were smooth and they shimmered in the light of his lamp. She looked up at him, pulling at the hem of his shirt. Her eyes held no sense of confidence, and she seemed to be begging him for some reassurance. He gave her a smile, and an impulsive kiss on the cheek.

Telling her that he'd be right back, he went into the bathroom to change as well.

While he was alone he contemplated his situation.

Was he really hiding Blair Waldorf in his bedroom for the night? Was he really sneaking around behind his father's back, the father he usually felt so close to? Was she really dressed in his t-shirt, his sister's shorts, probably sitting on his bed, vulnerable and small? Was he really feeling so protective of her that he didn't even want to leave her alone in his room for more than a few seconds? Was he really falling for Blair Waldorf?

He didn't want to admit it, but the answer was yes.

To all of the above.

**Author's Note:** Oh just wait for the drama to be unleashed in the next chapter! You'll probably be able to guess it, but it'll be dramatic all the same! Thanks for reading the chapter. Reviewing is always appreciated!


	10. Poison Kiss

**Author's Note:** It just came to my attention that I've been numbering all the chapters wrong since chapter five or six, so I'll be reposting and fixing everything. Anyway, I hope you all liked chapter nine (not eight) and here is chapter ten now! Hope you all like it!

**Chapter Ten**  
"Your eyes don't lie  
They give you away  
You say, you say  
Everything is different today  
Your footsteps fall  
All over the place  
You're up, you're down  
A butterfly  
Caught in a cage."  
-The Last Goodnight

Blair awoke during the early hours of the following Sunday morning. The traffic outside sounded far away and quiet, and she nestled into the quiet contentment she felt in Dan's arms. _Almost like Nate_, she thought to herself, trying to remember the last time she had fallen asleep in Nate's arms, or the last time he had acted as her knight in shining armor. She could recall times... She wasn't sure of the last time though.

This happiness, and that fact that she felt so comfortable with Dan sent a finger of anxiety to twist around in the bottom of her stomach. The bile rose in her throat, and were she home she would have raced to the bathroom. Because she was at Dan's though, she swallowed hard. She didn't like how warm and at peace she felt in his bed, under his sheets and cheap comforter. She couldn't admit that she liked wearing his t-shirt, even if it hid her whole body from view and probably made her look fat. How could she possibly confirm the truth that she loved the smell of his shirt, of his pillow, of his blankets, of his room- of him!

_Well_, Blair reasoned with herself, _it's just a smell- a comforting smell. I don't like_ him.

_Sure you don't_, a voice retaliated, but she ignored it.

_This is all part of the plan though_, she reminded herself. _He thinks he's comforting me and helping me, like I'm falling for him and I need him. It's all to get back at Serena and Nate. If I like the way he smells in the process, well, it's even better. At least I picked the cleanest boy in Brooklyn._

But even as she tried to reassure herself, the anxious feeling wouldn't go away. In truth, she didn't like what she was feeling about Dan, or even about his house. In her eyes, it wasn't how she ought to feel. So the anxiety grew. Her stomach swirled and felt empty. She was nervous and jittery all of a sudden. Her breathing was speeding up and she didn't know why.

On the clock beside Dan's bed, Blair could see it was nearly five in the morning. And lying with his arms wrapped around her, was Dan himself, sleeping. His breathing was heavy and rhythmic; in through the nose and out again. She felt his chest rise and fall against her, and his heart beat faintly through the woodwork of his body. As embarrassed as she felt about it, Blair gently pressed her ear to his chest, wanting to be closer to his breathing- to his heartbeat. She wouldn't have admitted it to anyone, but it comforted her some. Until she thought of the actual fact that it comforted her, which, in turn, made her even more anxious. Why was Dan Humphrey's heartbeat comforting her? Why was she getting so close to him? He was just a pawn in her plan, nothing more.

Very suddenly, she knew she had to get out. She had to get away from Dan, out of his room, out of his loft, out of Brooklyn all together. She felt a desperate need to be grounded, to get back to the beautiful imposing buildings of the Upper East Side. Even if it was the dark blue of morning outside, even if no one was out and she could get raped or mugged. She needed to get back to the familiar world of Manhattan and away from this anxiety-inducing world of Dan Humphrey.

Silently and carefully, Blair extricated herself from Dan's arms and dressed in her own clothes. She quickly folded the clothes he had given her and put them on a chair by his computer desk.

Feeling awkward and guilty, she opened his bedroom door, glanced up and down the hallway, and stepped through the doorway. She crept down the corridor and straight into the kitchen. Her plan was to tiptoe across the kitchen, to the front door, and out into safety. So what if she couldn't lock the front door for them? For the sake of her sanity, she needed to go home. But her plan was cut short, and she was stopped dead still in her tracks by the sight of a man, who she assumed was Dan's father.

He was dressed in boxer shorts and a t-shirt. His dark hair was messy and tousled, and he was holding a juice carton in his hand, looking just as surprised as Blair.

"Hello..." he managed to say.

She gave him a nervous smile, "Hi- I was- just-uh- leaving early from a sleep over with Jenny," she tried to salvage some form of privacy in the situation.

Mr. Humphrey gave her a 'don't even try to fool me' smile.

"Uh- I think if either one of my children had a sleep over last night I would have known," he said. "Considering Dan was so insistent on us not going into his room without knocking, I think I know who had the little soiree."

Blair didn't say anything in return.

Mr. Humphrey placed the juice carton back in the refrigerator, then he turned to Blair and asked, "What's your name?"

She considered lying, but didn't even care enough to, "Blair Waldorf."

The surprise on Mr. Humprhey's face increased tenfold.

"Blair Waldorf? As in Serena's best friend?"

She raised her eyebrows in return, "Yes?" she said, daring him to challenge her.

"Dan!" Mr. Humphrey yelled, trying to quickly wake Dan up.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Dan startled awake.

The light of the sky was a milky blue, and the traffic outside was quiet. His room was chilly and he wrapped his blanket more tightly around him. He had an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach, as if something was off-kilter. He tried to put the pieces together. First, he knew instantly that it was early morning. _5:07 A.M._ He rubbed his eyes. Secondly, why did his bed feel like someone had gotten up from it moments ago, and it was now cooling from their body heat? Now he began wondering why he had awoken so quickly.

Looking around, he felt as if something was very wrong; wrong and out of place. Then he noticed the folded up clothes on his computer chair and the empty space in bed beside him.

Blair.

He leapt out of bed and instinctively ran to the kitchen. There he found Blair, now sitting at the island counter, staring almost defiantly at his father. Rufus Humphrey looked nothing but uncomfortable as he tentatively eyed Blair, dressed only in boxers and a t-shirt. His eyes met Dan's as he appeared in the kitchen and he looked immensely grateful.

"Dan, would you like to explain to me what's going on?"

Blair turned in her seat and her eyes met Dan's, she didn't have a fleck of apology in her eyes, even though she knew Dan was probably going to get in trouble. Why should she feel bad? She was the one who was trapped here. She was the one who would have ultimately helped Dan, had she gotten out of the loft. She was the one who was so anxious and screwed up in her own plan.

Dan didn't know how to reply.

Rufus looked between Dan and Blair, whose eyes were locked in an entirely mysterious stare down. Because he couldn't decipher it, he decided to interrupt them.

He cleared his throat, "Dan, who is this?"

"This is Blair," he finally managed to say, looking at his father. And because he knew it would be brought up, he added, "Serena's best friend."

"Right, we got that," Rufus said. "What is she doing here?"

Blair jumped in, feeling like she ought to help Dan, at least a little, "I told you, I was sleeping over with Jenny."

"Should we wake her up and ask-"

"NO!" both Dan and Blair shouted quickly.

Rufus nodded slowly, "I see."

Dan sighed, "Look, Dad, it's not what you think."

"What am I thinking Dan?" Rufus asked cockily.

His son squirmed a little. Dan glanced at Blair, who looked perfectly confident, sitting carelessly on a stool she had been shaking in, with nowhere to go, only hours prior.

Dan gave in, "You probably thought I had Blair sleep over last night so we could have sex."

Blair sat casually on the chair, just as Dan had noticed. She felt anything but casual though, she felt as if she was watching the Discovery Channel. Watching Dan and his father was like witnessing a squid in the depths of the ocean, writhing around. It was just so foreign to her that she found she was confused and interested in it all. Were this her home on the Upper East Side? Had her mother found Nate, or even Dan, in their house at five in the morning? She would ask him what he was doing there, he would give her an answer, and they would move on. Eleanor Waldorf would never be so deeply concerned in her daughter's social life. Maybe she'd ask about birth control in passing, but she would never sit the boy down, wake Blair up, and have a whole discussion on it. Blair knew Nate's and Serena's parents were the same way. Was not caring an Upper East Side thing? Or was caring just a Brooklyn thing?

And the fact that he was so honest with his father in return was another matter entirely.

Rufus glanced at Blair, looking back at his son with a confused look on his face, "Generally, yes, that's what came to mind- But, this is Serena's best friend?"

Dan knew his dad was hinting at the fact that he had talked about Blair in a most unflattering way just the other day. He recalled all the things he had said, sitting across from his dad in their living room.

_Blair Waldorf. Who is basically everything I hate about the Upper East Side, distilled into one ninety-five pound, doe-eyed, bon mots tossing, label-whoring package of girlie evil._

He cringed at the idea of his own words. Looking at Blair now, he felt a guilty pull at the bottom of his stomach and he almost- _almost_- wanted to cry. The mere fact that she wasn't aware of what he had said, that alone made him upset. Maybe she could defend herself, but she didn't even know what was said behind her back, and it just seemed unfair. His own feelings confused him and he cleared his throat.

"This is Serena's best friend," he confirmed.

Rufus looked thoroughly confused and Blair felt as if Dan and his father had some kind of unspoken secret between them that they weren't sharing.

Dan's father spoke, "Uh- what is Serena's best friend- Blair- doing here, if not having sex with you?"

Blair snorted at the sheer frankness in Mr. Humphrey's voice.

"Dad," Dan said. "Blair was having some issues at home and she had nowhere to go."

"So she came here?" this clearly surprised Rufus.

Dan nodded.

Rufus cleared his throat, "Excuse me, Blair, I don't mind you staying at our loft as a safe haven- But what about Serena? Shouldn't she- as your best friend- be there for you?"

"I'm not exactly on the best terms with Serena right now," she told him. "Look, my mom was going to be up all night working out issues with her lawyer over the divorce," she sighed. "They were going to have me decide whether or not I wanted my dad to have custody of me... I just didn't think I could deal with it."

Dan was relieved to find the capacity of her problems didn't involve Nate.

Rufus nodded, "I have no problem with you being here, really, I only wish Dan had warned me."

"I didn't think you'd actually let her stay here," Dan said.

"If you need a place to stay, our door is open," Rufus said warmly. "Only- I didn't think you two were actually friends."

Blair smirked a little, "Things change, I guess."

"They most certainly do," Rufus gave his son a pointed look. "Well, I'm going back to bed- Blair, if you need to stay here for the rest of the morning that's fine, only Dan will have to sleep on the couch."

Dan rolled his eyes, but smiled all the same, "Thanks Dad."

Rufus began to walk toward the bedrooms, but Blair stopped him, "Mr. Humphrey?"

He turned, looking at her expectantly.

"Thank you, for being so nice- I was wondering though... Could you maybe not tell Jenny about all of this?"

He gave her a quizzical look.

She shrugged, "If people hear that I stayed at your house it would turn into something it's not. And as you mentioned, Serena's my best friend..."

"I'll keep it to myself."

She gave him a genuinely grateful smile, "Thank you."

"Of course- Good night," and he disappeared into his own bedroom.

The silence that settled around them was quickly turning awkward and Blair pulled at the hem of her coat.

"Why were you leaving so early?" Dan asked.

Blair lied very quickly, "I woke up- And I didn't want Jenny to see me in the morning," she shook her head. "I figured it would be best to leave before anyone woke up- I'm sorry."

"It's fine," Dan told her.

"But I should go," she said.

Dan shook his head, "Blair it's too early, give it an hour or so-"

"I'll be fine," she told him. "I've been out earlier- or later- than this."

"But-"

She cut him off, "Dan, I survived before I met you," she gave him a charming smile. "I'll survive now. I'm leaving, but thank you- really- thank you for everything."

She leaned in, gave him a slight squeeze of the shoulder and a light kiss on the lips. She pulled away, smiled at him and sauntered out of the loft.

Dan was left feeling out of breath and very disoriented.  
**  
Author's Note:** Sorry if it was kind of short- I've been absolutely swamped with school work and laziness. Hope you all liked chapter ten! Chapter eleven will be up soon! This chapter wasn't very dramatic, I know. The drama will ensue very soon though, don't worry!


	11. One Week of Danger

**Author's Note:** Thank you for the reviews, I really really appreciate them! This chapter was actually written one way, and then scrapped and rewritten in a totally different direction. Hope you like it! Vanessa looks like the one in the television show, only she's a little different and she doesn't like Dan. Now, here is chapter eleven as promised. Hope you all like it! Reviewing is always highly appreciated.

**Chapter Eleven**  
"Come on baby  
We get along  
Please don't spoil it  
Don't steer us wrong  
Let's get together  
And get it on  
Let's get those clothes off  
Before I'm gone  
You talk about me like  
You own me baby  
That's not fair  
I told you that I had somebody else  
You did not care  
One week of danger  
Is not very long."  
-The Virgins

Vanessa was back.

After two months of enduring a pretentious and uptight film program in Nevada, she was fed up, and she was back in New York, living with her older sister. More specifically, she was sitting on Dan's windowsill, having snuck in, via the fire escape, and she was positively ranting. Angry words gushed out of her mouth, words Dan could hardly keep track of. He did catch wisps of her monologue though: Hypocrites. Rich tyrants. Nonbelievers in creativity. Squashing of pure genius. Better off being an inexperienced filmmaker than one who is pushed into doing things according to 'The Man.' Her rant, of course, was much longer and fleshed-out than what Dan was comprehending. He couldn't help it though, his thoughts were mostly on Blair.

He hadn't heard from her since Sunday night, hours after she had left the loft. Being particularly worried and anxious, Dan had allowed his thoughts to wander. What could possibly have happened to make her turn to him and his loft?

Had she told his father the truth? Was it because her mother had asked her to decide if she wanted her father to have custody of her?

Or had she just been too uncomfortable to reveal whatever the truth was?

_Was she pregnant with Nate's baby?_

Had Nate hit her?

Dan knew Nate was a big fan of pot, was this bothering Blair?

Did Nate want her to do drugs with him?  
  
All of his worries turned to Nate having some involvement with Blair, and they always made him cringe. He couldn't help it though, he was jealous of Nate, jealous of the on-paper relationship he had with Blair. He called her his girlfriend. He was allowed to feel jealous and voice his opinion whenever another guy even spoke to her. He could walk around school, holding her hand. They could go out to eat in public. He could take her home to his parents and tell the truth about it. They could just be a couple, without any secrets or lies or sneaking around or hurting others. And Dan wanted that with Blair, he hated to admit it.

But the majority of his ideas concerning Nate wouldn't drive Blair from her own home, so he was at a loss again. Maybe she had told the truth. In any case, he was worried about her, and he had been the second she left the loft. So on Sunday night he had texted her a simple, 'Are you doing okay?' And she had replied with a curt, 'Yes.' There was no 'Thanks for asking- Thanks for caring- Thanks for letting me sleep at your house- Thanks for enduring my almost ungrateful attitude!'

So, out of anger and out of intelligence, he left her alone. He didn't text her, didn't call her- nothing. He believed in the old adage, if she wanted to talk to him, she would, otherwise she just wasn't good enough. But Dan secretly hoped she would text him or SOMETHING, just to save his sanity.

It was Wednesday now. He had homework to catch up on, cleaning to do, poems begging to be written, clothes hiding the floorspace of his room, and Vanessa was back! But nothing could distract him. He almost felt like everything else was distracting him _from_ thinking about Blair, and he didn't know what to do.

"Dan!"

He startled to attention, looking to Vanessa from where he had been staring dazedly toward the wall.

"What?"

Vanessa rolled her pale-green eyes, "You're not listening to me!"

Dan shook his head and rubbed his face, "I'm sorry Vanessa, I've just had a lot on my mind lately."

Vanessa's wild head of curls was pulled into a high bun and was shooting in all directions. She had on chunky earrings and mismatched clothes. Once upon a time Dan had had a crush on Vanessa, but looking at her now was like looking at a sister. And seeing her again after her stint in Nevada was like when Jenny had stayed away at summer camp. He felt reunited with a sibling. But thoughts of Blair were still filling his mind.

"Uh-oh!" Vanessa joked. "Tell Sister Nessa what's troubling you bubbie."

Dan rolled his eyes, but couldn't help smiling, "It's nothing really."

"It's a girl!" Vanessa suddenly stood up and shouted.

"W-What?"

She did a little dance around the room and pointed at him, "I figured it out! You've got yourself some girl troubles!"

Dan sighed, there was no use in telling her otherwise, "Okay-fine- It's true."

Vanessa stopped dancing and flopped down on Dan's bed, "What's her name?"

He hesitated before saying, "Blair."

"Blair?" she reiterated. "Sounds like Apple or Harlow- One of those Upper East Side famous-sounding names," she wrinkled her face up.

Dan froze and just looked at her.

Vanessa noticed this and stopped, "Dan."

He didn't say anything.

"She's not."

Silence.

"You have not fallen for an Upper East Side girl!"

He slowly began to nod.

Vanessa fell back onto his bed, "The betrayal!"

Feeling suddenly uncomfortable, as if a sacred piece of CIA information in his care had been leaked, Dan shut up.

"Just don't mention it to anyone- okay?" he tried to sound casual. "I don't want anyone thinking I'm in love with her when I'm not even sure if I like her."

Lie.

Vanessa sat up, pretended to zip her lips and said, "Mum's the word!"

At the end of their conversation of the tiny brunette, Dan felt a familiar trickle of confusion poison the thoughts in his mind. This confusion, this feeling of his brain being so full that he almost wanted to grab his head and clutch at his hair, was growing familiar, and he always associated it with Blair. Ever since she had left the loft he had felt fitful and anxious. Was she angry with him? Was she pleased that he had allowed her to stay in his home? Was she disgusted by his father? Was she grateful for him? Because Blair was so unpredictable, he didn't know.

Dan Humphrey was confused and frustrated, to say the least, but he was going to maintain his dignity and his grace. And God help him he was not going to give in and call her before she called him.

It wasn't usually dangerous for Blair to watch _Breakfast at Tiffany's_, but she was trying to do homework that Thursday afternoon and it just happened to be on television. She listened to it in the background as she finished her French textbook work, and then her European History notes. But after she packed up all of her things and put them away, she settled into her father's favorite armchair, imagining the smell of him still nestled into the fibers of the fabric, watching her favorite scenes unfolding before her. She thought about her father, hidden away in France, kissing and holding some male model. Truthfully, it made her sick, she couldn't think of her father that way, but it was the truth, and she couldn't hide from it.

No matter how hard she tried.

Blair forced herself to concentrate on the movie, to think about anything but her father and the hole he had left behind when he left her and her mother. She focused all of her attention on Holly Golightly and her struggle to love. She watched as Paul 'Fred' chased after her, begged for her love in return, and as she turned him away for money.

By the time Holly was running through the alleyways in the rain, calling for a nameless cat, Blair had forgotten all about her father in France. Instead, she found she was thinking about her own love-life, or the tangled mess it was.

Which made watching _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ dangerous. It made her miss romance, and feel a little bit lustful. And what was she supposed to do to ease or subdue these feelings? Call Nate for a snuggle-session? She snorted at the very thought, not these days. Nate, the man who didn't particularly like her, wasn't exactly the one to call for romance. But Dan... Dan was another matter entirely.

She only felt a little ashamed, slightly embarrassed, as she called Dan. Yeah sure, maybe it was a booty-call, but technically it was more like a romance-call.

So she had called him.

Obviously she had called him, he was on his way to her house. He smiled to himself as he walked up the Upper East Side streets, moving relatively quick. The whole subway ride over he had been smirking, and it was a long subway ride, but he couldn't help it. He had held out. She had been the one to call, to beg him to come over, saying she felt upset about her parents' divorce, that she needed a friend, she needed him. She hadn't said thank you for letting her stay at the loft, but he wasn't going to push his luck. After all, _she_ had been the one to call _him_. _She_ needed _him_. She had said it herself. The words had actually gushed out of Blair Waldorf's lips. About Dan Humphrey!

_"Daniel, I need you."_

Chills had run up and down his spine as her voice purred through the phone.

_How can she make sadness sexy?_ he asked himself, baffled.

He was on his way to her house within ten minutes.

The word 'whipped' entered his mind, but he shrugged it off. He wasn't whipped, he wanted to go to her house. He wanted to be there for her, he wanted to see her tiny, beautiful body and her hopeful face. The face that revealed so much to him, the face that would be far to honest for her taste, had she realized he could read her through her expressions. But whipped? No. He wasn't whipped. Whipped would be her calling him over to pick out an outfit for her grandmother's tea party. Whipped would be walking a dog for her or picking up dry-cleaning. He was being a good friend, a good person, and that wasn't whipped.

_But still_, a voice in his head hummed. _It's Blair Waldorf, a few weeks ago you would have cringed at the thought of jumping to help her._

This was true, Dan knew, but he also knew that he had been wrong about Blair. She wasn't a bitch, she wasn't a shallow conceited lady dictator. She wasn't even his odd Victorian dream-girl Marie Antoinette. She was Blair, and it seemed so much better than anything he could have hoped for. Maybe she wasn't the Aphrodite that Serena was, but she was better, she was deep, she was real, and he felt like he could truly get along with her. Well, he could, if Nate and Serena weren't in the way. So what if she tried to seem unapproachable? He had seen her in his t-shirt, and he had seen a glimpse of vulnerability. Blair stirred strange feelings inside of him, but he didn't care, because he liked it.

At the sound of the elevator opening, Blair's heart sped up.

She waited, holding her breath, until she heard the knock on her bedroom door.

"Miss Blair, a gentlemen is here to see you."

A small smile flickered across Blair's lips, "Thanks Dorota, you can just send him up."

Shortly after Dorota's footsteps had scuffled away, she heard another, heavier, more hesitant knock. This time, she stood up, padded over to the door in her pleated Marc Jacobs skirt and collared button-up. Opening the door, she saw Dan standing there, looking even more delicious than she could have hoped. A faux-pout twitched at her lips.

"Hey," she said.

He smiled at her, "Hi."

They stared at each other for several seconds before Blair moved aside and opened the door for him. Dan walked languidly into the room and she nearly pounced on him. She was hungry for romance, hungry for the passionate kiss that was given to Holly in _Breakfast at Tiffany's_. And right now, Dan looked like a triple sundae with chocolate syrup, M&M's and frozen strawberries. Blair closed the door behind her and sat down on her bed.

Looking up at Dan, she felt herself growing antsy.

"What's up?" Dan asked. "You said you felt upset about your parents divorce-"

"I'd rather not talk about it," Blair said quickly, truthfully. "Can we just talk about something else?"

Dan nodded, sitting down beside her on the bed, "Sure... How are you and Nate?" he was genuinely curious.

She actually winced, and she didn't have to force herself to do so, "I'd rather not talk about Nate either."

Dan wasn't sure what Blair would consider off limits, so he thought of what seemed like a distant, but extremely simple movie-theater question. A movie theater question that Serena van der Woodsen had gotten wrong. A question she said Blair would get right.

"Do you know who wrote _Breakfast at Tiffany's_?" he asked.

She furrowed her eyebrows, but said, "Truman Capote."

Serena had been right on their date, Blair did know everything about Breakfast at Tiffany's. The fact that she knew that, the fact that she had pictures of Audrey Hepburn and France adorning her walls, the fact that she was so beautiful, that he couldn't get the image of her in his t-shirt out of his mind, the fact that she put up with Serena, that her father had left her, that she was dealing with it all and finally leaning on someone- him!- for help, it all made him gently caress her hand, her wrist, all the way up her arm. He felt the goose bumps rise on her skin, and he smiled at the power he finally had over her, even if it was in some small way. He leaned in a little, if only to take in her familiar lilac sent. He ran the outside of his fingers up and down her arm until she clasped his hand in hers, as if she couldn't take it anymore, but in a pleasant way.

Blair's stomach was dropping dangerously low, tingly, jumping nervously in her body. The way Dan was caressing her, tickling her flesh and sending her heart racing, made her excited, yet terrified. Chills cascaded over her outter shell in the form of goose bumps at his touch. She watched him as his eyes trailed up and down her arm with his hand. Rough hands, soft hands, they were one in the same. And when she felt like she was going to burst with a giddy anxiousness, she grabbed his hand. His eyes met hers and he smiled.

"Why do you want to know who wrote _Breakfast at Tiffany's_?" she asked, and she wasn't sure why, but she asked it in a whisper.

Dan leaned in a little more, whispering as well, "I wanted to see if you knew."

With that he closed the space between them, unable to stay away from her any longer. Blair was grateful for it, the kiss was a release from the anxious tension building up inside of her. Their mouths seemed to fall open instantly, just upon contact. There was no safety in their kiss. It went straight to heated and dangerous from nonexistent. Their lips, tongues, teeth were all in on the game, in on the action that Blair and Dan's conscious minds couldn't even control. All they knew was they had to do it, and they couldn't stop it. It was as if they had been waiting for this, anticipating it for weeks, lifetimes maybe, and now they finally got their chance to go through with it, and it was better, more than they could have ever imagined.

Dan placed his hand just above her knee, and she had one of her manicured hands pressed against his chest. Without even thinking about it, Dan began to slide his hand up her thigh, until the fabric of her skirt was skimming the top of his knuckles. He didn't go too far, he wouldn't, not just yet. Blair, on the other hand was smiling against his kiss, enjoying every moment of it. She began to tug at the collar of his shirt, wishing it just wasn't on his body anymore.

Laughing a little against her lips, Dan took Blair's hand in his and squeezed it, pulling away from her mouth for a moment of air.

Blair felt a giggle rise in the back of her throat, but she didn't let it escape. Blair Waldorf did not giggle, but she did want to laugh, Dan's lips were sporting her lip gloss now, and she was sure she looked just as messy as he did.

She kept her hand in his, but swiveled her legs around so she was laying on the bed, she smiled suggestively at Dan and he smirked back at her. He had never felt so excited, so wicked, in his whole life, but he loved it. He loved being this way with Blair. He loved the way she was laying there against her pillows, her hair messy and her lip gloss smeared. He was sure he was falling for her, falling fast and falling hard.

_And I'm still technically dating Serena_, he thought to himself. But he forgot about it as he moved toward her, and then as he hovered over her, moving closer until his lips were trailing kisses all over her neck, and against her collarbones. She giggled then, she couldn't help it, the sensation tickled and made the giddiness bouncing inside of her grow even more intense. She put her arms around his neck and held tight, afraid she might lose him. And then her eyes widened, she allowed Dan to keep kissing her, but inside she was terrified. She was scared to death that she would start liking him, but now she was even more scared that she wouldn't, that she would lose him. The tangle of emotions ripped into Blair's stomach and she instantly felt nauseous, but she didn't think about it. Instead, she thought about Dan, she thought about being with him now, and she took a deep breath of his body spray, her nose pressed against his neck, and her heart rate slowed down.

Dan, on the other hand, was feeling his adrenaline rushing at a generous speed. It wasn't just the fact that he was kissing Blair, that their bodies were pressed together, that she was kissing him back, that she was right there, wanting him, but it was the fact that he knew he was falling for her and he didn't care. Letting his feelings go was making his heart speed up and his pulse buzz in his ears.

No Dan, you're not falling. You have already fallen.  
**  
Author's Note:** Sorry it took a little while to update, I've been working on my new Blair/Dan story, and I couldn't log onto fanfiction for the longest time! Hope you all liked chapter eleven!


	12. Nothing Lasts Forever

**Author's Note:** Oh revieeeeeeeeeeeeews! I love them to pieces! I'm glad you all liked chapter eleven, chapter twelve might just make the majority of you self-combust. Or at least squeal and giggle a little. Here is chapter twelve! Hope you all enjoy it!

**Chapter Twelve**  
"It's so easy to see  
Dysfunction  
Between you and me  
We must free up  
These tired souls  
Before the sadness  
Kills us both  
I tried and tried  
To let you know  
I love you but,  
I'm letting go  
It may not last  
But I don't know  
Just don't know."  
-Maroon 5

Dan and Blair's relationship turned quickly physical. Not that they had ever had a relationship that was based on communication, or anything else for that matter, but now they hardly even spoke. They fell into a sort-of routine. Nearly everyday after school they would meet at Blair's house or Dan's loft, depending on whose parents were home or whose bed was available. They had no problem being together, especially when it came to physical contact, but they never went too far.

It was safe to say that they had crossed some major boundaries, but not the one boundary that they would never let themselves cross. Technically, they were both still 'pure.'

Sure, they were very serious when it came to their making out and slight groping, but at the same time they were always playful and always amused in their sneaky behavior.

Blair loved the secrecy of their relationship, it wasn't anyone else's business and no one else had to know. Of course, this was an advantage, seeing as everyone would judge her if she dated someone from Brooklyn. Not that she thought about actually dating him. But Dan, on the other hand, hated that he couldn't show off the fact that Blair liked him, that they were kind of together. He knew, however, that for Blair's sake, they needed to be a secret.

For now.

But, there was a slight problem. Nate and Serena were starting to feel neglected. So, after receiving multiple texts and calls one Friday afternoon, they agreed that they needed to start paying more attention to the other two or else they'd be found out. Dates were quickly made. And although Dan readily admitted his dissatisfaction with the whole situation, Blair actually had to convince herself that she missed Nate, that she truly loved him and couldn't wait for their date. Yet, she was left feeling entirely unsure.

&

Blair felt confused as she rang the doorbell of the Archibald home.

"Um-erm- I'm not exactly ready," Nate had said over the phone. "Could you come over and we'll leave from my house?"

Even if he wasn't ready, why did she have to come over and wait for him, why couldn't he just pick her up when he was ready like they had planned? A few extra minutes with Nate at his house before they left for dinner wouldn't kill her though. _In fact_, she told herself, _it'll be even more time to spend with him.  
_  
Nate appeared, opening the front door with a smile playing across his lips.

The pretty brunette felt her stomach drop and roll around sickly, and it wasn't the feeling of butterflies, it was bile rising, trying to find an exit. Why didn't she feel the same flutter of excitement when she looked at Nate? Why wasn't the usually-ever-present urge to throw her arms around him, cover him in kisses, and tackle him to the ground overcoming her? She swallowed, trying so desperately to convince herself that she still loved Nate, that she was still hurt and pissed off that he loved Serena and not her. Surprisingly enough though, Blair thought of Nate talking to his father at the party, about his secret confession.

_"It's hard for her to take it the wrong way, since it was what it was- I like Serena Dad, and I don't want to hide my feelings for her just because you tell me to."_

The words were still etched into her memory, but right now, they didn't make her heart crash against her liver, they didn't make her kidney's twist, her stomach convulse, or her lungs constrict like they usually did. She found herself- almost!- not caring.

Presently, Nate held the door open for her and she daintily stepped inside, feeling foreign in a house that was just as familiar as her own.

"My parents are in Connecticut for the weekend and Elizabeth has the day off," Nate told her, walking up the stairs, Blair following timidly in his wake.

She wasn't sure why he was telling her this, why he was acting so strangely, or why she felt so uncomfortable in his home. Feeling as if the universe had shifted under her very Manolos, Blair swallowed, blinked furiously and tried to realign everything that had ever entered her mind. She loved Nate. She was using Dan. She felt comfortable in the Archibald house. Dan's loft was a hole in the wall, probably filled with termites and cockroaches. But even as she told herself these things she felt a guilty lurch in her stomach, a lurch she ignored.

Nate opened his bedroom door for Blair and moved aside so she could enter, when she did, and when she took in her surroundings, her breath caught in her throat and she nearly choked on her own gasp.

The room was dim, as it was going on five o'clock in the evening, and Nate's room was filled with small tea-candles, scattered around the place, casting it in a flickering glow. His normal sheets and comforter had been replaced with silky black ones and rose petals were strewn across it. All of Nate's boyish or immature things had been hidden or put away, and his room was, for once, cleaned immaculately. Nate was beaming with a proud glint in his eye, but as Blair took the sight in, she felt disappointed. The scenario that would usually have her melting at the knees suddenly felt corny and theatric, especially when Nate was probably threatened into doing it. _Would Dan ever do this?_ she asked, and then silently berated herself. _Who cares?_ But as she looked at Nate and put on a smile, she knew she didn't care half as much about this surprise as she would have a month ago and that made her anxiety multiply tenfold.

Blair cleared her throat, managing to say, "You did this for me?"

"Yes," Nate said, nodding. He took her hands in his, leading her toward the bed. "I've missed you recently, and I want to make up for our time apart."

He sat down on the bed and Blair collapsed into a sitting position beside him, gazing at the scene around her.

Nate swept the hair that was falling around her neck and against her chest, behind her right shoulder, leaving his hand to linger along her collarbone. Blair shivered, feeling strange and uncomfortable, while Nate smiled, probably thinking she was overcome with emotion. And while she had only sat down on the bed because she was so confused and so anxious that she couldn't stand, Nate probably believed she was interested in sleeping with him. This realization set Blair's heart beating faster, and not because she was excited, but because she was scared. This was something she had wished for, hoped for, for ages, and now that it was close to happening, she was angry and confused, disgusted and scared. But Nate leaned in and kissed the tenderest of spots below her ear, all along her jawline until their lips met. Going on autopilot, Blair went through all the actions of kissing him, she wasn't even thinking or feeling as his actions grew more intense. It wasn't until they were laying on the bed, clothes half-off, with Nate murmuring that he loved her while his hands roamed her body, that she realized she didn't want to do it at all.

_I've gone crazy,_ Blair was convinced. _How could I not want him to love me? to kiss me and hold me? What the hell is wrong with me? why am I being so ridiculous?  
_  
Serena's laughing face entered her mind and her confusion turned to anger again.

She could never be happy with Nate, not when he was kissing her, probably thinking of her blonde best friend.

Thinking of Serena, Blair remembered that she was currently on a date with Dan. And as Nate was being all romantic and wonderful, she found herself wondering what Serena and Dan were doing.

&

Dan knew. Of course he knew, that Serendipity's was a little cliche, a little corny, a little touristy, but he didn't _care_. This was Serena he was taking, not Blair. The attempt was halfhearted. _Half-assed,_ was the word that kept coming back into his head, making him smirk. He didn't even care anymore, didn't even feel guilty. His whole love-life was so far gone, so screwed up, that he didn't even think twice about asking Serena on a date. Blair was going on a date with Nate anyway. So why not go on one with Serena?

He felt like Alice in Wonderland, like he had been shoved down the rabbit-hole. Everything was so topsy-turvy, so screwed-up and rearranged that he didn't even question anything anymore, he just accepted it.

Making out with Blair everyday after school? Of course.

Passing furtive glances in the hallways that were not going entirely unnoticed? No question.

Avoiding the subject of Nate and Serena all together? Duh.

Taking Serena on a date? Obviously.

Keeping everything concerning Blair Waldorf a secret? It bothered him, but it went without question.

Serena looked particularly beautiful that Friday night. Her golden waves were wild, but artfully so, and her skin seemed to shimmer under the many funky lamps of the ice cream shop. She was dressed in some bright blue t-shirt-dress, with black, opaque tights and flats, and a little jacket to go with it. Everything about her screamed confidence and perfection, but Dan just didn't see the appeal anymore. What had attracted him to her? Was it her Aphrodite-image? Her reputation? The mystery of the infamous Serena van der Woodsen? The hype? Her forced, giggly-shrill laugh? He found himself cringing throughout the date, he couldn't like her, even if he tried.

"I'll have the Forbidden Broadway Sundae," she had informed the waiter, before Dan had even decided what to get, without even glancing at the menu.

She ate the whole thing on her own, every bit of it. Dan was surprised to see her slurp up the whipped-cream and shovel all of the chocolate cake into her mouth. He wondered how she stayed so perfectly thin and beautiful, and how she was so confident eating like a pig in front of him. He didn't mind it, she could eat all she wanted and he would still feel the same way about her.  
_  
Blair would probably order a water and a salad._

**Shut up, you're on a date with Serena!**

But he couldn't help it, he thought of the disgusted face Blair would throw in Serena's direction if she could see the way she was eating. Blair would think it was a perfected sneer of revulsion, something that evoked feelings of hatred and fear. It only made him laugh though. It was Blair, after all. The face only made her look more adorably lovable to him.

"What's your favorite animal?" Serena currently asked, practically skipping down 60th street on a sugar high.

Dan was sort of thrown by the question.

Why did she care?

Did she know about his family? Did she know about the problems he had with his mom or the fact that he wrote? What did she really know about him? What did he really know about her? And she wanted to know what his favorite animal was?

He cleared his throat, "A wolf, I guess."

She pretty much ignored his response, asking, "What animal do I remind you of?"

_A dolphin, with a high-pitched squeal and a need to entertain_, he thought, but he didn't say that.

_Blair reminds me of a cat_, he decided. _A slinky little house cat with a "hidden" agenda. A sleek but cuddly gray cat that could scratch you to bleed one moment and then purr against your legs, demanding affection the next.  
_  
"A gazelle," he replied, scrambling for an answer.

Serena gave him a funny look, "A gazelle?" she smiled brightly. "Why?"

_Jesus Christ_, Dan wanted to shout, because he really didn't know.

He made something up, "Because you're blonde, and you're always in motion, and you're fast," he said, and then he realized how that sounded. "I mean, you know, you're personality is fast-paced, and you're elegant," he threw in for good measure.

All of these reasons didn't seem good enough for Serena, after all, they probably weren't what she wanted to hear, so she pouted a little.

"Oh."

They walked in silence for some time. Dan was growing sick of awkward silences with Serena, but he endured them for his favorite catlike girl. To pass the time, and to keep himself from going insane, Dan imagined Blair and their last tryst. It had been at the loft, while his father and Jenny were at a meeting at the school for an art course she wanted to take. Blair and Dan had pretty much fed each other grapes, complaining a little about their mothers and school. But what had gone from a simple play-date ended up with Dan's hand up Blair's shirt, against the refrigerator. Until, of course, Rufus had called and said they were picking up Chinese food down the street, and did he want anything? Blair had to scurry toward the door, kiss Dan quickly, fiercely, deeply, heatedly, and then run outside, down the street, and into a cab, before the other Humphrey's could see her.

But thinking of Blair just then was dangerous, it only made him think of her being on a date with Nate.

It drove him crazy not knowing what they were doing. It would probably drive him crazier if he knew what they were doing though. Were they at a stiff restaurant, talking politely, falling into awkward silences too, daintily eating their food? Or was Nate touching Blair, the way he wanted to being touching her? He winced. The damn pothead just wasn't good enough for her.

"Hey!" Serena suddenly said, turning towards him with a bright smile on her face. "We should call Nate and Blair and see what they're doing."

Dan brightened up considerably, "That's a good idea!"

Anything to salvage the evening.

He decided, however, not to mention the fact that Nate and Blair were on a date as well.

&

Blair was honestly considering screaming rape. Their clothes were off, all that was left was underwear. She felt frantic, afraid that Nate honestly thought they were going to go all the way. He kissed, he grabbed, he groaned, and he breathed heavily. Blair just followed suit, acting and pretending. In order for her plan of breaking Nate's heart to work, she had to at least make him think she liked him. But she felt so scared. She didn't want to lose herself to Nate! She didn't want Nate to touch her the way he was touching her. Closing her eyes, she pictured Dan, feeling herself growing anxious and nervous. It scared her that she needed to imagine it was him that was touching her, murmuring in her ear, for it to be romantic. But it wasn't Dan's voice, wasn't Dan's body, weren't Dan's lips, weren't Dan's words. She could tell the difference, and she didn't like that it was Nate, didn't like that she wanted it to be Dan.

"Blair, I love you," he pulled away from her for a moment, managing to look into her eyes.

_Like hell you do_, she wanted to shout. _What, did your dad tell you to say all of this, word for word? Did he script this whole damn scene for you?_

Nate kissed her, lingering awkwardly before pulling away to say, "I want to do this with you Blair."

She almost wanted to ask, 'Do what?' Just to ruin the moment.

Instead, she watched him lean over toward his night stand. Just as he was about to open the drawer, to retrieve God-knows-what, she panicked, letting out a squeak of despair.

Nate jumped a little, turning toward her, "Is something wrong?" he looked almost concerned. "Do you want to do this?"

Without thinking, Blair replied, "Yes, but- it's just-"

Fortunately for Blair, Nate's phone rang and he slowly got up to retrieve it.

"It's Serena," Nate said.

She felt a peel of anger inside of her, but she said, "Answer it."

She watched as Nate and Serena talked on the phone for a few minutes, and then as he looked at her and asked, "Serena and Dan want to know if we want to go to some dusk to dawn flea market thing going on in Chelsea," he sort of frowned, as if the idea was totally unappealing to him. "Do you want to go?"

Not that the idea totally caught Blair's fancy- after all, a flea market all night? ew- but she was desperate to get away from Nate, out of his house, and most of all, near Dan,

She lit her eyes up, as if going to Chelsea was just as good as going to Paris, "Let's go!"

"You want to?" Nate whispered.

She shook her head fervently.

He spoke into the phone, "Okay, Serena, we'll meet you guys over there."

Blair immediately set about getting dressed, ignoring the disappointed look on Nate's face as he hung up. He got dressed, and together, they blew out all of the tea candles around the room. She didn't care if Nate's plan had gone to shit, or that he was definitely onto her losing interest in him. All she cared about was that the oppressive feeling that had settled on her chest since entering Nate's house had been lifted, and that was all that mattered.

&

Nate and Blair found Serena and Dan near a stall of "antique" brooches, silently examining the glittering accessories.

"Hey guys," Nate greeted them.

Serena whirled around and instantly leapt into Nate's arms, "Natie!" she cried. Then she turned and threw herself at Blair, "Bee!"

When she let go of her, Blair turned and her gaze met Dan's.

She pretended to be icy and condescending towards him, just like she had always been.

"Waldorf," he said, his tone hard and flippant.

She could tell he was trying to keep a straight face; his eyes were grinning.

Setting her lips into a dissatisfied frown, she rose an eyebrow and said, "Humphrey."

He could also tell that she was trying not to smile.

All their memories of kisses and heated breaths in secret places filled their minds. They always thought about their meetings, but now it was really as if their affair was forbidden, and it made them giggly. Besides, neither of them was a professional actor, and simply keeping a nonchalant front before Nate and Serena was difficult, but amusing. However, the evening wore on and they played it cool. Nate and Serena were flirting and blatantly teasing one another, and Blair and Dan shared glances over it. They didn't mind though, only enjoyed the furtive looks they could share, the looks that held so much meaning in them. Whether they meant 'I want you' or 'They don't want us' they both knew what the looks meant.

One might think it was difficult to slip away from Serena and Nate, but it was actually quite easy. While they laughed and began to, again, blatantly flirt amongst an array of stuffed toys, Dan and Blair sank into the shadows, acting as if they were sending each other hateful glares. Finally, when he was sure the other two weren't looking, Dan took Blair's forearm in his hand and guided her behind a stall of scarves. She smiled at him, her breath escaping her mouth in small puffs of steam. Making sure the cost was clear, Dan led Blair around several more stalls, ignoring bargains being thrown their way, making sure they were lost from sight in the crowd of shoppers. They hid themselves behind a stall at the outskirts of the whole flea market, a good distance away from the other two.

Blair found herself pressing her face against Dan's chest, inhaling his familiar scent. He wrapped his arms around her.

"How are you?" he asked into her hair, a simple question that sent chills up her spine.

She looked into his eyes, "About to blow my brains out with those two."

Laughing a little, Dan said, "Me too."

Her gaze shifted toward his lips and she stood on tiptoe, kissing him lightly, relishing the feel of kissing someone she liked, someone who actually cared about her because he could. _No!_ she berated herself. _You don't like him, Blair, shut up!_

They pulled apart and Dan looked at her, "Why are we doing this Blair?"

She knew what he meant, the sneaking, the dating other people they didn't want to date. But because she couldn't tell him the truth, that she was just using him to hurt them, she said, "Daniel-"

"No," he cut her off. "I don't like Serena- at all- and you don't like Nate... I know you don't."

Her eyes bore into his, "Dan, we can't-"

She couldn't finish her statement, because Dan's phone began to ring. But he didn't reach for it, he didn't let go of the gentle grip he hand on her hands now. He only stared into her eyes, searching for an answer, wanting all of this complicated confusion to end. All he wanted was her, but she was denying him that in some small way.

"You should answer it," she whispered, pulling away. She folded her arms, shaking, closing in on herself, she looked toward the sidewalk, "It's probably them."

Dan didn't move until Blair glanced at him, and then he reluctantly took out his phone.

"Hello?" Serena's voice, too loud, too high, filled his brain. She wanted to know where they were. "Yeah, I was just going to call you guys- I think I got separated by the crowd or something."

Serena asked if he was with Blair.

He looked at her, standing there, insecure and confused, trembling, avoiding his eyes.

"No, I'm not with her," he said. "I thought she was with you guys."

"We're still by that stuffed toy display," Serena said. "Come over here and I'll call Blair."

Dan wanted to sigh heavily, instead, he said, "Okay," and hung up.

Blair didn't look at him, not until he said, "She's going to call you now."

"I'm sorry," she whispered on impulse, feeling as if it was really true.

She did feel bad that all this nonsense with Nate and Serena had to go on. She was even starting to regret her starting her whole plan to hurt them, with Dan stuck in the middle of the whole thing. But she didn't know what to do now. She was so far into it, why not finish what she started? And maybe she and Dan could even be together after she revealed their affair. Either way, her heart felt heavy and sorry.

He understood what she meant and reached up, gently stroking her cheek with his thumb, "We'll figure it out."

His words reassured her, making her feel as if they would be able to figure it out.

But would they, would they really be able to figure it out?

**Author's Note:** Hope you all liked this chapter! If this chapter didn't make you say 'Aw!' (which I'd totally understand) the next chapter is probably going to make you all squeal and freak out just a little bit! I will try to have the next chapter up before the new episode of Gossip Girl (squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!) airs, or at least right after that. I saw some intriguing pictures of Blair having yogurt dumped on her and Nate and Dan talking in the next episode. I could be wrong, but either way? I'm excited! Who is shaking with anticipation for this new episode, I believe is named, The Blair Bitch Project?! Okay, this author's note is turning into an author's rant. Thanks to everyone for reading! Reviewing is always appreciated!


	13. My List

**Author's Note:** Woah. What else can I say? Gossip Girl has gone INSANE! But I absolutely love it! Tell me what you thought of the last episode, I want to hear everyone's opinion! And thank you all soooooooo very much for the reviews! I'd also like to say sorry for anyone who read my last author's note that might have revealed a little too much about the other episode. gleechild brought it to my attention that not everyone likes to have anything revealed to them about the following episodes, and if I've ruined it for everyone, I apologize. In saying so, I hope this chapter makes up for any upset readers! Thanks everyone for reading! Enjoy!

**Chapter Thirteen**  
"Let me wrap myself around you  
Let you show me how I see  
And when you come back in from nowhere  
Do you ever think of me?  
Your heart is not able  
Let me show you how much I care  
I need those eyes to tide me over  
I'll take your picture when I go  
It gives me strength and gives me patience  
But I'll never let you know  
I got nothing on you baby  
But I always said I try  
Let me show you how much I care."  
-The Killers

Because of all the confusion and chaos that came with keeping Serena and Nate in the semidarkness, and the energy it took up to try so desperately to keep her feelings toward Dan in check, and still save up some time for school, Blair was finding herself somewhat distracted. And on the Thursday morning following her double date with Dan, Nate, and Serena, she noticed her birthday was fast approaching. It was the following day.

This shocked her.

Sure, Blair had forgotten other people's birthdays before, but never her very own birthday. And to top it off, no one had mentioned anything to her about her birthday either. She hadn't really been hanging out with Kati or Isabel lately, so they really hadn't gotten a chance to ask her what she wanted, or if she was having a party. Even her mother, who had birthed her, and usually paid for her parties, hadn't asked what she was doing or what she wanted. It all seemed very strange and upsetting. Had they all forgotten? Did no one care enough? But, no one at all?

And then and idea came to her.

They were planning a surprise party behind her back!

No one had even mentioned her birthday to her, which had to mean Serena had already told them, or had already invited them to it. No one had asked her what she would like as a gift, which meant her mother and best friend had probably worked together to send out a list. They had probably even snuck on Blair's computer or followed her around to see what stores she was going to and what clothes or shoes or jewelry or bags she was interested in. They were all really good at not being suspicious too, so much so that she wondered if she was wrong, but she knew it had to be true. What else would explain the fact that no one was talking about her birthday at all?

The idea of a surprise party made Blair smile to herself all day.

Visions of giant suites at The Plaza, banquet halls, clubs, maybe the whole top of the Empire State Building, decorated and catered, just for her. Instantly, she began to think about what she would wear. Black- no!- She'd buy that new square-neck dress that cinched tightly at the waist and fluttered just above the knees. In a color that would make heads turn. A color that was so surprising everyone would stare at her and tell her it was her best color, that she looked dazzling. Serena would be green with envy. Nate would fall for her all over again. Dan would want to take it off of her just so he could- _No_, she stopped herself. _Shut up!_

While riding up the elevator to the penthouse that Thursday afternoon, she idly wondered if Dan was actually _going_ to the party. _Probably as Serena's date_, she mused.

The lift stopped smoothly, and swept open onto the marble foyer she knew so well. Waiting beside the table in the front, though, were two Louis Vuitton suitcases. This made Blair's eyebrows knot and her stomach drop. Was her father home? Was this about the divorce? Or was he just home for her birthday? Her heart fluttered in her chest and she scurried into the hall.

"Daddy!" she called out.

Eleanor appeared in the foyer, her passport in her hand, "Why on earth are you calling for your father?"

Blair looked around, eyeing the passport, "I saw the suitcases and I thought..." she trailed off.

"Those are mine," Eleanor told her, rummaging through her purse on the foyer table. "I have to go to Paris for the weekend."

A lump formed in her daughter's throat, "This weekend?"

Eleanor looked at her as if she was acting strangely, "Yes, my flight leaves in an hour or so."

"Wh-What? Why?"

"A representative from Chanel wants to meet with me and talk about a collaboration," she beamed. "Isn't that great?"

Blair licked her lips, "When will you be home?"

"Monday night."

She stared at her mother, silent.

"I told Lily you'd be alone and she said she'd keep an eye on you and call everyday," Eleanor told her. "You'll be okay alone, won't you? It's nothing new."

Blair nodded, realization sinking in.

This was part of the setup.

Act like you forgot Blair's birthday.

Okay. She could play along.

She cleared her throat, pouting a little, "But why this weekend, Mom?"

"This is Chanel, Blair. And what's so special about this weekend?" Eleanor gave her daughter a strange look and latched her bag closed. "We'll have dinner on Monday night if you like."

The elevator opened and a man in a pressed suit came in, he smiled at Blair and Eleanor and said, "I'm looking for Eleanor Waldorf."

"I'm Eleanor Waldorf," she replied.

The man nodded, "Peter sent me up," he said, referring to the doorman. "He told me you needed help with your bags."

Eleanor nodded, "Yes, those are them right there," she pointed to the suitcases. After looping her bag over her shoulder, she gave Blair a brief hug and a kiss on the cheek and then walked over to the elevator with the driver. "Have a nice weekend! I'll check in tomorrow."

As the elevator closed and hummed to life, Blair stood frozen in the foyer.

_They're going all out to make me think they forgot_, she mused.

* * *

That same Thursday night, Dan had another strange dream concerning Blair.

In it, she was dressed in her Victorian-Marie Antoinette attire, but she was smiling, sitting in a row boat. Dan was dressed in some kind of blue army uniform and he was rowing the boat across from her. Blair was holding a parasol over her shoulder, twirling it softly as she leaned back, allowing it to dapple small slivers of sunlight and shadow across her face. Her free hand trailed in the water, making small ripples in the surface.

"You'll get radioactive poisoning," Dan told her.

For some reason, and even though it wasn't, Dan's dream self believed the pond they were in was the pond in Central Park, polluted and filthy.

Blair slowly took her hand out of the water and sat up, "But Serena and Nate don't mind."

"What do you mean?" he asked, confusion making his dream-self anxious.

In response, she nodded several feet away from the boat, where Serena and Nate were bobbing in the water, locked in a heated embrace. Dan watched in morbid fascination as the two kissed passionately, limbs entangled, hands in hair, mouths trailing everywhere furiously, not sinking at all. He looked at Blair, who shrugged.

Dan grew angry, "Just because they did it doesn't mean you should."

"I don't want to do it because they are," she said, looking genuinely hurt, her doe-eyes falling and her eyelashes fluttering. "I like it."

"I like you," Dan said.

Blair's smile returned and she leaned forward, taking one of Dan's hands off of the oar. He kissed the soft flesh above her knuckles and she blushed. Without thinking, or even questioning it, Dan's kisses trailed up her arm, her shoulder, her neck, and her cheeks until he reached her mouth. The oars were left forgotten, as Dan and Blair's kiss grew more passionate. He gently leaned her back in the boat, but her skirt was riding up and she latched a leg around his back. The boat rocked precariously but they took no notice.

"That's not fair!" Serena's voice shouted, making them pull apart. "He's mine!"

Blair sat up, angrily retorting with, "You lost your chance!"

"She's mine!" Nate said as well.

"You lost your chance too!" Blair said, throwing her arms around Dan, pulling him closer to her, holding him tight.

Even Dan's dream self liked the way it felt to hold Blair. It was like he could protect her, shield her from all the elements and all evils. She seemed to fit properly against his chest, within his embrace. It wasn't as if their bodies were made for the other, but it felt right, and there was nothing awkward in it. He loved holding her, and he loved her wanting him to hold her.

Suddenly, in his dream, the sky turned an angry, storm-ridden gray, and the world around them darkened. Thunder clapped loudly overhead, making Blair jump. Thick drops of freezing rain began to fall on them, but Dan continued to feel perfectly dry. Dream-Dan didn't mind the rain, but Dream-Blair did. She threw her parasol into the water and it slowly sank from view. Shielding herself with her open palms, she looked up at the sky, as if searching for an improvement in the weather.

"I'm going to get soaked!" she said desperately.

Serena spoke from her spot in the water, "Come in here with us!" she smiled. "You'll be dry!"

Without pausing, Blair stood up and jumped into the water. However, instead of floating like Serena and Nate, the water rose past her neck. She went under completely, clutching at the surface of the water for something to keep her afloat. Sputtering and crying, trying to save herself, Dan heard her choking, saw her sinking. He tried to stand up in the boat but his legs wouldn't allow him. He tried to dive off the side of the boat, but some unknown force was preventing him from doing so. So he watched, in dismay and anxiety, as Blair cried for help, begged for a savior. Finally, she slipped under the water. This time, however, she didn't resurface.

Fear and panic rushed at Dan with such an intensity that he almost felt sick.

"Help her!" he shouted at Serena and Nate, because he couldn't. "Go save her!"

Serena shrugged, "We can't."

"Why not?!" he demanded. "You're right there!"

He was so afraid that Blair would die, so afraid that she was already dead, that he felt his impatience and anxiety reaching catastrophic levels. Why weren't they doing anything? How could they be so selfish when Blair needed them. He was growing desperate, desperate and angry. He couldn't lose her. Couldn't bear to lose her in the depths of a pond that she shouldn't have jumped into from the beginning.

Nate spoke this time, "No one can save Blair Waldorf."

"No one?" Dan whispered.

"Well," Serena said. "One person can."

Dan's heart lifted.

It was him. He was the one person that could save her.

Feeling relieved, he asked, "Who?"

"Blair Waldorf."

"Why isn't she saving herself, then!?" he shouted.

Serena gave him a dubious look, "Darling, did you ever think that maybe she never wanted to be saved?"

Dan woke up from this dream, muttering to himself.

He had to stop and think for a moment before he realized he was muttering, "She does- She does," over and over.

The darkness of his bedroom surrounded him, making his fear increase tenfold. He lay there, listening to the sounds of the traffic outside, and to the sound of his own breathing. Even as he tried to calm himself down though, he felt his heart begin to speed up, faster and faster. A sickeningly realistic fear that Blair was really in trouble entered his mind. Sure, it had only been a dream that she died, but what if it was really a vision of some kind? What if his subconscious was trying to tell him something? _You're being a moron_, he told himself. _Nothing's wrong with her, she's probably sleeping in her bed right now_. But he couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, that she was in pain, or dead. Call it intuition, realistically call it paranoia, Dan felt like he had to call her. He knew that he would not be able to fall asleep until he called her.

He scrambled for his phone in the dark, finally finding it on the floor next to his bed. Guided by the phone's own light, he found Blair's number in his call log and pressed SEND. He didn't care if she was asleep, didn't care that it was nearly three o'clock in the morning, didn't care if she would be angry, or if she wouldn't answer at all. He had to try to talk to her.

_Ring._

He had to know she was okay.

_Ring._

Had to grasp the reassurance that she was alive, even if a simple dream had told him otherwise.

_Ring._

He had to hear her voice.

_Ring._

_Maybe she isn't going to answer_, he thought sadly.

_Ri-_

"Hello?"

The voice was groggy, clotted with sleep, scarily polite, and raspy, but he knew it was Blair. He smiled to himself, loving the sound of her voice before it was perfectly tuned for the rest of the world. He loved her weakness, he loved the vulnerability and humanity he got from her, the things no one else could know or hear. Did Nate hear this groggy voice? Did Serena know that Blair was so out of it in this sleep-addled state that she was actually polite upon being woken up? He didn't care if they knew- He knew, and that was all the mattered.

"Blair," he said, his voice nearly coming out in a sigh. "It's Dan- I know I'm calling you really late, but I just had this dream, and in it you died and I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

Silence followed.

He then realized how stupid the whole thing sounded.

He went on, "I know it's stupid, but I had to- I'm sorry for waking you up."

"It's fine, honey," she said, her voice proper and kind.

Dan laughed to himself, she just sounded so _polite_.

"I'm fine," she told him.

"That's good."

She went on, "Listen, Daniel, I love you and all, but I need to sleep- big day tomorrow."

Dan wasn't sure what she meant by 'big day' but he figured she was just out of it. The thing that had really gotten his attention were the three words that had come before the rest of the statement.

_I love you._

How did she mean that?

Did she mean she loved him as a friend? As someone to have an affair with? As someone she wanted to date?

"I'm hanging up now," she told him. "Good night," and the phone clicked off.

Dan put his phone on the night stand and sat up in bed. He knew she was out of it, and half asleep, but she had said it. Was her grogginess allowing her to say things she normally stopped herself from saying? Or was this just her talking nonsensically in her sleep? Dan didn't know. He didn't care either. She had said it and now he couldn't think straight, no matter what context she was using it in. Whereas he had called her, in hopes of being able to get back to sleep, he realized he would now be up all night. He was wide awake and his mind was working furiously, there was no way he was going to fall back asleep now.

_Why did I call her in the first place?_ he asked himself. _Oh right, because I needed to make sure she was okay. God, why do I care that much?  
_  
Daniel, _honey_, you are _attached_.

Dan realized this, and slowly, right into the spaces of his dark, empty room, he knew it was true, and he said, "Shit."

* * *

"Blair? I woke you up, didn't I?"

Yes, she had.

Blair cleared her throat, "Yeah-"

"You should be up already," her mother scolded. "You're going to be late for school."

With some trepidation, Blair realized it was her birthday. Why was her mother yelling at her when she should be wishing her a happy birthday? She was annoyed and pissed off that she had been woken up for this. It wasn't like she had planned on going to school. Actually, she had wanted to stay home, sleep in, have a nice brunch for herself, then go to Barney's and buy her dress, and then she'd pamper and beautify herself all day. But her mother was interrupting already, _and she was in a different country_.

Blair lied, "I'm awake, I was just waiting for my alarm clock to go off."

"Yes, well, I need you to do me a favor darling," Eleanor barreled on. "I need you to be home tonight at seven."

A smile crept across her lips, it was for the surprise!

Innocently, she asked, "Why?"

"Renee is sending over some documents from Bendel's that I forgot were coming," she said. "It's very important so make sure you get them, okay? Just put them in my office."

"Okay," Blair replied, playing along. "Whatever you say."

Eleanor said, as if Blair was acting strange, "Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine!" she said brightly.

"All right, well, I have a meeting now so I'll be going."

Blair nodded to herself, "Okay, Mom, bye."

She hung up and snuggled deeper into her bed, smiling. She was going to have her surprise party tonight! Everyone was doing it all for her, and no one was going to ruin it for her tonight! She giggled to herself and began absently flipping through her phone. In her call log she noticed that she had received an incoming call from Dan at nearly three o'clock in the morning. She furrowed her eyebrows, trying to recall this. Had she spoken to him? The call log didn't say it was a missed call so she must have answered. But what did he call her for? What had she said that she now couldn't remember?

Figuring Dan was already awake for school, Blair texted him.

Blair: Did you call me last night?

Within minutes Dan had replied.

Dan: Yeah. Don't remember?

Blair: No.

She waited for Dan to reply, but even after about ten minutes of sitting in her bed silently, he didn't.

Blair: Care to explain why, Humphrey?

This time, he replied.

Dan: I just had a dream that you died. Wanted to make sure Chuck hadn't snuck in and strangled you in your sleep.

Blair felt her lips turning up in a smirk.

Blair: Haha, how cute. Daniel, I didn't know you cared.

Seconds later, she received a text back.

Dan: There's a fine line between caring and paranoia, Blair. ; )

Blair: Says you.

* * *

Between the end of lunch and the beginning of the following period, Dan came across his sister, standing in front of her locker, trying to keep a bouquet of pink and white balloons from escaping the metal confinement.

"Jenny," Dan said with a grin on his face as he watched her struggle and fight the party decorations. "Need some help?"

The both of them managed to fit all of the balloons into the small space, albeit messily, and then snapped the locker door shut before any other helium-filled escapees could get out. Jenny huffed a little as she straightened her jacket and adjusted her bag on the crook of her arm. Dan looked her up and down. Though she tried so hard to fit in with Blair and the other Upper East Side girls that went to her school, Dan could see through her efforts. He knew that her bag was her most prized possession, a real Marc Jacobs their mom had splurged and gotten for her, for no reason- well, probably because she felt so guilty for leaving them all to 'paint' in Hudson. He also knew that she had made her skirt and blouse, modeled after designer clothes, and eerily close to the real thing. It made him sad to see his sister try so hard, to meticulously apply make-up after what Serena and Blair did without care, desperate to be a part of a crowd that she hardly even understood or knew. Did she really want to be a bitch clone like all the rest? Was she embarrassed by her Brooklyn roots? _She's trying to hang out with Blair_, Dan reminded himself, _so it's not that bad.  
_  
Dan glanced at the closed door, almost expecting the balloons to push it open, and said, "May I ask why you're wrestling so many of those things into your locker?"

Jenny huffed a little, as if the war with the balloons had left her a little more mussed than she would have liked. She fixed the strap of the tank-top underneath her blouse and then pulled down the hem of her shirt so it came over the top of her skirt.

Flicking her bangs from her eyes, she said, "It's Blair Waldorf's birthday."

Dan was so surprised that he was almost tempted to say, _Excuse me, what?  
_  
"I was going to give these to her this morning," she continued, shrugging. "But according to Serena, Blair didn't come to school today."

Swallowing, Dan simply said, "Oh."

"Yeah, and it totally sucks because Serena and the rest of Blair's friends- you know like Chuck and Nate- don't even remember it's her birthday," Jenny said, eyes wide with sympathy. "And I overheard Kati talking; she said Blair's mom left for Paris yesterday too- for some fashion thing," she shook her head, her voice dropping to a whisper. "_Everyone_ forgot it was her birthday."

Dan's heart dropped through the shiny linoleum floor below him.

Jenny did not notice.

He wondered how something like this could have happened.

She said, "Doesn't that suck?"

"Ye-Yeah- A lot- How do you know all that anyway?"

She shrugged, "The facts spread, Dan."

_They're gossiping about Blair's misfortune_, he thought bitterly.

"Are you okay?" Jenny asked. "You look kind of sick."

Dan cleared his throat and quickly tried to liven up his attitude, "No, I'm fine-"

He couldn't think of an excuse for his odd behavior, though, because the bell rang.

* * *

Blair felt herself relaxing as her hair dresser, Phillipe, barked orders in French, causing assistants, make-up artists, and receptionists to scurry and fret. The smell of expensive hair products filled her nose, making her shoulders loosen up. Also, the personal masseuse that worked deep-tissue while you waited, that was a big help too. The whole of the bright, ultra-exclusive salon was relaxing. With its high ceilings and peach colored walls, she always felt like it was springtime at Phillipe's. A cup of fresh French vanilla coffee was placed on the table in front of her, by an assistant who was shaking, probably from being so afraid of the French tyrant of a hair dresser/manager. Blair smiled and took the coffee, sipping it slowly. She even loved how everyone was terrified of Phillipe. Whereas other clients sometimes cowered at his voice, Blair talked back the same way. They exchanged witty banter and joked with one another, making Blair his favorite client. She wasn't afraid of him and he actually liked this quality in the petite brunette.

"Blair," a pretty assistant, who actually had extremely long lavender hair, smiled at Blair. "If you're ready I can shampoo you now."

Leaving her nearly-full coffee cup on the table, she made her way to one of the sinks and sat down. After leaning back and adjusting her neck comfortably, the lavender-assistant began to douse Blair's hair with luxuriously warm water. Allowing herself to let go and close her eyes, Blair tried to imagine how she would react at her party. Should she act blase? or should she weep tears of joy? She hadn't decided, but either way, it would be amazing.

Cool shampoo was worked into Blair's scalp, and she nearly purred in delight at having her scalp scratched and massaged. The wonderful smell of the twenty-dollar-a-bottle-shampoo swirled around her and she found herself smiling a little. The day was going perfectly. After lounging around and dozing off in her bed for a few hours, she had gotten up at nearly ten and enjoyed a breakfast of a parfait and a croissant. After some time she called Phillipe and he cleared a space for in the early afternoon, even though he was booked. And after watching a bit of _How to Steal a Million_, she had left and arrived at the salon within thirty minutes. It was all so nice and ideal, but she was starting to get a little anxious. No one- Not _one_ person- had wished her a happy birthday. _Isn't that a little drastic?_ she wondered. And then she had received a text from Jenny Humphrey while she was waiting, and another from a boy who had had a crush on her Freshmen year. That was it, and it was freaking her out a little.

The lavender-assistant finished washing Blair's hair and dried it off a bit, before leading her to Phillipe's chair.

"Eez my booteefull floweur ready?" Phillipe asked, gliding over in all his European beauty.

She smiled at him, "Of course."

"Good," he gave her an air kiss on both cheeks. "Go!" he barked at the lavender-assistant, and she scurried away. "'ow are you mon belle?" he asked Blair, adjusting the seat to his height.

She beamed, "I'm good- It's my birthday."

"No!" Phillipe gasped. "C'est vrai?"

"Oui," she giggled.

Coyly, he replied, "Should we zing for you?"

"Do so, and I might just have to stab you with your own scissors," she smiled coquettishly.

"Ah!" Phillipe laughed. "I abzolutely adore your tongue! So sharp!"

That's one way of looking at it.

"Why don't we 'ave Jillian do your make-up as well? Oui?" he asked. "Special birzday present, from moi!"

Blair smiled, deciding it would be a very good day indeed.

That's true, but not for any of the reasons she would expect.

* * *

Dan wasn't sure how he could fix Blair's birthday for her, but he spent all the rest of the school day thinking about it.

He wanted to hurt someone when he thought of the fact that Blair's own mother had forgotten her birthday. Serena had forgotten, her own best friend, and her supposed boyfriend as well? What was wrong with everyone? He guessed it was because her mother was so busy with her fashion line, and Serena and Nate were so wrapped up in each other. But what about all of her other friends? Why hadn't they remembered? And her father, had he remembered? He didn't know, and he didn't care, he was going to fix it for her.

Should he get her an amazing gift? Or should his present come more form the heart?

What _did_ one get the person they were having an affair with?

Someone's phone began to ring in his math class, it was an annoying cat's meow and he was glad when the teacher told the kid to shut it off.

_What could I-_ he didn't even have to finish his thought.

He knew.

* * *

At five after seven, when Blair's mother's Bendel documents arrived, she felt a little disappointed. Here she had been hoping the package would be some kind of note, telling her to go to some preplanned destination where she would walk in and everyone would yell 'Surprise!' But, no. The package was a regular mail-carrier envelope with a Bendel's stamp on the corner. She tossed it onto her mother's desk and paced in the living room.

When eight o'clock rolled around she grew anxious and, truth be told, a little desperate.

She texted Serena.

Blair: Hey. What are you doing?

It took some time for Serena to respond.

Serena: Nate and I were going to catch a movie- Want to join us?

"WHAT!?" Blair actually screeched into the silent living room.

Serena and Nate were going to see a movie? They were going to ignore the fact that it was her birthday, hang out, and then ask her if she wanted to tag along- when Nate was _her_ boyfriend? No thanks. Anger boiled up inside, spreading and pulsing like a volcano about to erupt. Her palms grew sweaty as she clenched them, one around her phone. _Calm down_, she told herself. _Maybe this is part of their surprise plan_.

She waited until nine o'clock.

No one called her.

No one texted her.

No one tried to get her to a surprise party.

No one had remembered.

Blair's confidence turned to anger and it erupted like Mount Vesuvius.

She pulled back and chucked her phone against the pristine white wall across from her. It made a dark black scuff mark, and her phone's screen cracked down the middle, but she didn't care. She let out a guttural noise in the back of her throat and kicked the couch. Finding it rip in sick satisfaction upon contact with her stiletto heel. Her mother deserved it if she couldn't even remember her own daughter's birthday. Everyone deserved _hell_ for not remembering her birthday! With nostrils flaring, heart racing, eyes bulging, anger mounting, Blair's thoughts worked overtime.

They had forgotten her birthday. Everyone had. Her parents, her best friend, her other friends, her boyfriend, Dan... They didn't care enough to remember. Everyone else's lives were far more important- She was so unimportant- So unloved.

At half past nine, Blair found herself hunched over her toilet.

She alternated between shoving her finger down her throat and sobbing on the bathroom floor until ten o'clock.

And then she collapsed on her bed in tears.

* * *

The elevator opened onto the cold foyer and Dan looked around.

The penthouse was virtually empty.

He knew Blair was home, he had spoken to the curious doorman, so he quietly walked up the stairs. When he reached her room he didn't bother knocking, he slowly opened the door and smiled at Blair when she looked up. Her hair seemed like it was supposed to be in a bun or chignon of some kind, but it was falling out and around her face. She was dressed in a perfectly fitted dress, cinched to show off her tiny waist, cut to reveal enough leg and enough decolletage. It was all made of a brilliant turquoise blue that seemed to be a color picked just for her. And he knew she would probably look completely radiant, were she not crying. Her eyes were red and puffy, and her mascara was dripping down her splotchy cheeks. She sat up when he walked in, her eyes sparkling with tears.

"All dressed up with nowhere to go?" he asked, walking over to her.

Blair melted right in front of him, and he saw it.

But she couldn't help it. Here she had been sobbing hopelessly, thinking everyone had forgotten about her, and now he was walking through her door, dressed in a suit and tie, looking all caring and sweet.

"Dan," she practically sighed, save for the tears choking her voice.

He gave her a lopsided smile and said, "I have a present for you."

Blair stood up and walked over to him, unable to keep a smile off of her face. Someone had remembered! Someone cared! And it was Dan.

With a slight theatrical gesture, Dan moved a hand, that had previously hidden behind his back, into view. Squirming inside his hand, with the most beautiful blue eyes, was a tiny gray and white kitten. It had a blue bow around it's neck and it was looking around the room with bright curiosity. Upon seeing Blair, it started to make soft mewing sounds and tried harder to get out of Dan's grasp.

Blair's heart melted a little more.

"O-Oh," was all she could manage to get out, and it was tripped by a sob.

She couldn't even take it anymore, she slowly closed the distance between her and Dan and encircled her arms around him, hoping to get closer to him than she ever had before.

"Thank you," she sobbed happily. "Thank you so much."

He kissed the side of her head.

When she pulled away from him she began to pet the kitten, "Is this really for me?"

He nodded, "If you want her- I have all of the stuff you need to take care of her downstairs."

She hugged him again.

"You might want to let go of me and clean the make-up off your face though, Blair," he said teasingly. "I have one more surprise for you."

* * *

Blair had been on the roof of the Met many times before, but never when it was closed, and never at nighttime, in November. But that's just where Dan had taken her. After using a back service entrance, a security guard had smiled at them and said something into a walkie-talkie. In moments a lanky teenaged boy met them and led them through the museum, muttering the whole time.

"Dan, you better be grateful for this," he said. "I could get fired."

Dan met Blair's eyes and smiled, squeezing her hand in his.

She wasn't sure what he had planned, but she was practically bubbling over with happiness and excitement.

Finally, the boy took them to the door of the roof.

He turned to Dan and said, "You can stay as long as you want, as long as that's at least an hour before opening. Got it?" Dan nodded. "Here are the keys. Bernie will be downstairs for security until opening, if you're not here by the time his shift ends then he'll come up and get you out."

"Okay."

The boy disappeared down the stairs behind them, and Dan smiled at Blair, unlocking the door and leading the way outside. Blair walked onto the roof as Dan held the door for her, tears springing to her eyes again. The fact that he had done all of this to make her birthday special made her heart wrench with guilt and adoration. Laid before her was an empty roof, save for a thick blanket, set up towards the ledge. On it was a bottle of champagne, two plates with all the proper cutlery off to the side, glasses, flowers, and a cooler beside the blanket, filled with food and a small cake. There were extra blankets that Dan had grabbed in case, laying beside the cooler. After all, it was November. But standing in the cool night air, they both found that it was quite warm for a month so close to Christmas. Not only did the climate make everything perfect, but it was also to do with the view. Looking over the ledge, Blair gazed at the Manhattan skyline, twinkling in the inky night sky. It took her breath away, even after living in the city for a lifetime, but the moon was so big and the stars were so bright, she couldn't help but lose her grounding.

Shaking her head, Blair managed to whisper, "Dan, how did you do all of this?"

He took her hand and led her to the blanket, "Let's just say someone owed me a favor," he grinned as she dazedly lowered herself onto the blanket, looking at everything in awe. "I'm sorry I couldn't come up with anything fancier- I only found out it was your birthday this morning," he shook his head as he sat down. "I wish I had known."

"Dan," she looked at him, smiling. "This is absolutely perfect."

He smiled softly, his eyes locked with hers, "I'm glad you like it."

Reaching over, he opened the bottle of champagne and filled two glasses. He handed her one and noticed the solemn look that had taken over her face.

"Can I tell you something?" she asked.

He took her hand and gave it a squeeze, "Of course."

She swiped at a stray hair that was blowing into her eyes and blinked furiously, trying not to cry, "Everyone forgot my birthday today- I mean, your sister and this guy remembered- But my parents and Serena- and Nate..." she looked up at him, her eyes filled with tears. "They all forgot."

"Oh Blair," he whispered, putting his glass down to stroke her cheek.

"And you, you're making the day so wonderful."

The guilt began to build, like cells multiplying. It felt cancerous, as if she couldn't stop it, couldn't prevent it, it was irreversible. Dan cared so deeply for her, and here she was just using him. But she wasn't. Not anymore, she knew. It was something else now. Even if she did ultimately hurt Serena and Nate, it had turned into something more. And she wanted him to know that.

Looking longingly into his eyes, she softly said, "I love you."

Dan was taken aback. He hadn't been expecting that.

Without even considering it, he said, "I love you too."

She leaned in, and so did he, and they met in a soft kiss. Dan cupped Blair's face, pressing against the spot bellow her ear with his index finger. She moved herself closer toward him, deepening the kiss. Dan surrendered to her, finding himself moving into the rhythm of the kiss with more intensity. Suddenly Blair felt very warm, but comfortably so. She was growing antsy and she clutched at Dan's hair, becoming impatient. He didn't mind the small pain, only felt himself wanting her more, growing anxious too. Kissing wasn't enough anymore, and they both felt it. The need to be closer, to be together, was growing faster and stronger, and it was making their hearts race.

Blair pulled away from Dan, keeping her eyes locked with his. They loved each other and he cared about her, he was showing that by this whole surprise. Because of this, and because she trusted him, she knew she could give herself to him, in fact, she couldn't think of anyone else. She began to undo the buttons of her dress and allowed it to slip off of her shoulders. As she worked Dan's jacket off of him she shivered in the wind, but as soon as Dan's shirt was off their bodies were pressed together and the warmth returned. They lowered themselves onto the blanket and faded into new territory under the light of the moon.

**Author's Note:** Could my writing be cornier? I highly doubt it. I didn't want this chapter to be too raunchy, but I didn't want it to be squeaky clean either. It was more about the romance then the physical stuff. I hope you're all happy with it, and I hope you all enjoyed it! It was probably the longest chapter I've ever written on fanfiction, and I hope it will be well received. The recent episode of Gossip Girl certainly pushed me to finish writing this. I think Blair and Dan talked more than ever before in recent episodes! Ah! Next chapter is coming soon! As always, reviewing is appreciated and your honest opinions are always the best.


	14. She Has No Time

**Author's Note:** Happy Friday! Thank you all soooooooooo much for the reviews! Some of the reviews I receive are so kind and wonderful that I actually sit here, smiling like a moron. Thank you! I'm so pleased that no one hated the last chapter, I was sort of worried. And what about the last episode? Insane! But, there was that wonderful nugget of Blair/Dan dialogue, even if it was about Serena, and Chuck and Nate joined in. Whatever. Anything you can get, right guys? So here's chapter fourteen. Blair and Dan will get even closer, or more twisted, depending on how you look at it. Hope you all like it! Thanks for reading and reviewing!

**Chapter Fourteen**  
"You think your days are uneventful  
And no one ever thinks about you  
She goes her own way  
She goes her own way  
You think your days are ordinary  
And no one ever thinks about you  
But we're all the same  
And she can hardly breathe without you."  
-Keane

"I believe they call this the walk of shame."

Dan winced, stopping in his tracks. He had been sneaking to his bedroom, hoping the early morning hour would prevent anyone from noticing he hadn't returned the night before. Luck was obviously not on his side this morning, because there was his little sister, sitting on the couch in the near-dark, eating cereal. His shoulders fell and he shuffled over to the living room, lowering himself into an armchair defeatedly.

Quickly, he said, "Vanessa had a rough night last night- fight with her parents- I spent the night at Ruby's."

"In a tux?" Jenny remarked, raising her eyebrows. "You might want to change your story before you tell Dad though, Vanessa came over and hung out with us last night."

"Is Dad mad that I didn't come back?" Dan asked quietly, leaning toward his sister.

She shrugged, "I don't know- I went to bed at, like, eleven."

Dan sighed, hoping he was still in the clear.

"I hope you used protection Dan," Jenny commented. "If you get Serena pregnant that would be weird."

Serena.

Dan almost gagged at the idea.

Recovering swiftly he said, "Jenny, I wasn't with Serena-"

"You don't have to explain yourself to me, big brother," she smirked. "I was just saying."

Dan nodded, "Right."

Jenny spooned some of her cereal into her mouth.

"Listen, Jen, can you please keep this between us," he whispered. "I don't want Dad freaking out."

Rolling her eyes kindly, Jenny said, "I never saw you sneak in."

"Thank you!" he said, leaning in and kissing her on the cheek.

He disappeared into the bathroom and took a quick shower, dressing in some flannel pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, before retiring to his room. As much as he hated washing the smell of Blair off of him, he had to. If his father walked up to him in the early morning and smelled lilacs and foreign shampoo, he'd probably start asking questions. But Dan knew he'd smell Blair again, he's hold her again, he'd be with her again.

Laying over the covers of his bed, Dan stared at the ceiling.

_Blair Waldorf stole my virginity_, he thought with a smirk.

After falling asleep under several blankets on the roof, wrapped in each other's arms, they had woken up an hour or so before opening. Dressing quickly and picking everything up, they made their way back through the museum, holding hands and sneaking furtive glances at one another. The security guard had smiled at them kindly, and then waved them out of the building. It took only a few minutes to hail a cab, and before they knew it, they were snuggling in the back seat of a taxi, dreading the moment it would pull up to Blair's house. But it did, inevitably, and they kissed one last time before Blair opened the door, ready to step onto the empty sidewalk.

Instead of getting out, she turned and took Dan's hand in hers, "Thank you," she said sincerely. "For everything."

He responded with another kiss, and then she had stepped outside, disappearing behind the door that had been opened for her by the doorman.

All the way home he had been daydreaming, thinking of her. He couldn't help it. She was just so beautiful, so perfect in all her imperfections, so amazing with all her flaws. Every chip or fracture made his heart ache for her. He didn't care if she could be a bitch, he could be self-righteous. He didn't care if she was a little shallow sometimes, deep down, she cared for more than she let on. She cared for Dan. _She loves me_, he reminded himself smiling. _And I love her, despite all of her flaws_. Because _of all her flaws.  
_  
Really? Every single one of them?

* * *

There was no walk of shame for Blair. No one was home- well, except Dorota, but even she wasn't awake to see Blair dazedly walk across the foyer and up to her bedroom with a smile on her face. She was walking on a cloud and drifting in and out of reality as she showered and slipped into an old Yale t-shirt and crashed into sleep under her covers. It even amazed her that she could feel this happy- this euphoric! But it was happening, and she was relishing it.

That is, she was enjoying it until she woke up.

Blair had slept for almost seven hours, so it was nearly noon when she awoke. She lay in her bed thinking back to her birthday. Everyone forgetting, Dan, the roof of the Met, the kitten. A meow issued from somewhere under her bed and she hung her hand over the side until the kitten, so far unnamed, crept into the open. Blair pulled her new pet onto the bed and placed her on the duvet beside her.

She hadn't _meant_ to lose her virginity to Dan Humphrey.

"Shit!" she hissed out loud, causing the kitten to jump.

How had she gotten this far? How had it happened like this?

A knock sounded from the door and she groaned, "What?!"

"Miss Blair," Dorota's voice called. "Phone for you."

Trying desperately to clear her mind and abate her anxiety, Blair got up and walked to the door, opening it, she took the phone from the maid.

Dorota whispered, "I be leaving now for my day off."

Blair waved her away and closed the door, frustrated and distracted.

"Hello?"

"Blair-Bear!" her father's voice gushed into her ear. "I am a horrible and pitiful excuse for a father."

Knotting her eyebrows, she blurted, "What?"

"Your birthday- I didn't call you or anything yesterday!" Harold Waldorf reminded her.

Realization dawned on Blair. She had been so distraught over the whole losing-her-virginity-to-Dan Humphrey-thing that she hadn't even thought about everyone forgetting her birthday.

Shaking her head, Blair said, "Oh- Dad, it's fine."

"No!" he said. "I'm sure everyone was so wonderful and spoiled you- and here I was, so busy with the new house... How can you ever forgive me?"

"Dad, you're already forgive-"

He cut her off, "Why don't you come and visit next weekend? You can leave on Tuesday night and be here for the whole Thanksgiving weekend."

"That sounds really nice, but I don't know."

The idea of spending a weekend in France, where no one celebrated Thanksgiving, with her father and his gay partner, in a huge house in Lyon, actually made Blair cringe. At this point though, all she could think about was Dan and her plan for hurting Serena and Nate, and the previous night. She could feel the pressure rising in her throat. Her stomach churned. All she wanted was to get her father off the phone, and she felt as if she was clutching at straws to do so.

She resisted the urge to sigh, "I'll have to talk to Mom about it, okay?" she didn't wait for a reply. "I'll call you when I have an answer. I have to go though, love you," and she hung up.

Blair sat in the center of her bed, trying to will the harsh anxiety away. Concentrating with unparalleled focus, she tried to think only about her breathing. In. Out. In. Out. But other thoughts began to wriggle themselves into her psyche.

_I love you.  
_  
She actually covered her eyes as the words rushed back to her.

_I love you too._

Her teeth began to grind together.

_Just because you sleep with someone doesn't mean you're in love with them, it doesn't even mean you're close to them_, she told herself.

But her heart was telling her otherwise.

Losing control did not bode well with Blair Waldorf, and she stood up, beginning to pace the room. The whole affair with Dan had started off as a way of getting back at Nate and Serena, an easy way to screw both of them over. Killing two birds with one stone. How had she allowed herself to get so involved? At first it had been fun and silly to make-out with Dan, to allow the Brooklyn boy to think she needed him, to let him play with her hair. But now- How had she let those three words escape her mouth? How had she let him get so intimate with her? She hadn't cared if Dan got hurt in the beginning, but now he was being so sweet. _He cared_. She didn't want to hurt him now, she didn't want him to love her. But she didn't want to love him either. And she didn't really. She had only said that she did because he had been so nice. Hadn't she?

The doubt that dropped like a five ton stone in the bottom of her stomach made her feel heavy with sick dread. Her legs grew weak and she began to frantically shake her hands as if they'd fallen asleep. It felt as if her stomach lining had been turned inside out, like her insides had been shaken up and nothing was properly aligned anymore. This weakness made her pace faster, made her thoughts run at a dangerous pace, trying to latch onto something that wasn't this panic, that wasn't any of the things that _led_ to this panic.

_Audrey Hepburn saying, "The British are coming! The British are coming!" while rattling her keys over her head in_ Breakfast at Tiffany's.

_Mickey Mouse._

_Her grandmother's old trunk of vintage party clothes._

_The dollhouse that had been custom-made for her in second grade._

_Her father and mother, holding hands and smiling while Christmas tree shopping in sixth grade._

_Nate asking her out on their first date._

_Getting drunk for the first time with Serena._

_Laying beside Dan on the roof of the Met as he rambled silly poetry to her off the top of his head, making her actually giggle._

_Listening to his laugh through the skin and bones and muscles of his chest as they lay together, counting the stars.  
_  
"Goddamnit!" she shrieked, stomping her foot.

She couldn't get away from him.

The doubt that had fallen into her stomach began to writhe and squirm violently. Feeling the desperation sink in, Blair stalked into her bathroom, slamming the door behind her. With shaking, angry hands, she wrenched the taps of her bathtub until the shower was running, steaming and hot. The fog began to fill the room, and she knelt on the floor before the toilet, feeling the pity and despair cloud her vision. Tears ran, hot and heavy down her face, and the sobs shook her body, but the twisting panic in her stomach wouldn't relent, and she needed the only release she felt she had. Because her consciousness was dwindling, and because she felt she had no control anymore, she grabbed her hair in one hand, and stuck her free index finger down her throat. Her tonsils contracted, but her whole gag reflex was so used to this routine that she received no response. It wasn't until she had the finger as far back as she could go that she felt the bile rise, rise, and then finally exit. Because she hadn't had breakfast that morning, there was nothing she could really fight with. So Blair stood on trembling limbs and gathered as much food as she could, before laying it all on the bathroom floor and consuming the majority of it; it was ammunition in an ongoing battle against herself.

* * *

"Is Miss Waldorf expecting you, Dan?" the doorman, Peter, asked as Dan made his way toward Blair's building.

After many visits to Blair's house, and several occasions of dropping her off at the front door, Dan felt the doorman had an understanding of what was going on. He had seen them kiss goodbye several times, but he was probably still seeing Nate enter and leave the building and kiss Blair goodbye too. Upon arriving at the hotel for Blair's birthday surprise, Peter had denied Dan's request of letting him into the elevator without telling Blair first. After a long-running explanation of the day, and an embarrassing confession of how he felt he was falling for Blair, the doorman had given him a smile with old, shining eyes, and allowed him upstairs. Now the man smiled at Dan as he approached, and gave him a friendly handshake.

Smiling in return, and because he just couldn't stop grinning all day, Dan said, "I was hoping to surprise her again."

"She got in pretty early this morning," he raised an eyebrow. "You sure she's awake?"

Rolling his eyes good-naturedly, Dan said, "I think I'll take the risk."

"Suit yourself," Peter said, opening the door. Dan stepped inside and headed for the elevator. Peter called after him, in an all too teasing manner, "Try the fetal position if she attacks!"

Giving Peter a little chuckle, Dan disappeared into the elevator and pressed the familiar shining button before him. He watched the doorman disappear from view as the oak-panneled doors slid shut.

After finally falling asleep in his bed earlier that morning, Dan had slept for only four hours before Jenny's hair-drying had woken him up. He tried to fall back asleep to the dull roar of the dryer, but she then began to belt out pop lyrics while she straightened her hair, so he had given up and taken cover on the fire escape outside his bedroom window. With the window mostly closed and the noise of classical musical blasting from the next building, he managed to shut his sister and the whole of the loft from his mind. He peered down his street, glimpsing the river and the bridge. Taking a deep breath, he had thought about where he stood with Blair. He tried to be hard on himself, tried to scold and berate himself for falling for and sleeping with, essentially, the enemy. But he just felt so happy and content with it all, he couldn't manage to be self-righteous and hateful too.

Unfortunately for Dan, his father had noted his inability to return home the night before. Because of a problem with a damaged painting at work though, Rufus had quickly left the loft, telling his son that they'd go out for dinner that night, just them, and have a nice long talk about curfews and girls.

So, Dan had six hours until his father would grill, and possibly ground him, and he was going to make the most of it.

Because of Blair's confession of loving him, and because of the wonderful time they had had the night before, Dan figured going over to her house to surprise her would be fine. He knew it was risky to show up unannounced, when Nate or Serena could be lurking around, but he didn't care anymore. With every footstep and subway stop a new line of poetry blossomed in his head. A story centered around a character falling in love with a girl, much like Blair, began to trickle through the crevices and over the grooves of his mind. He laughed at this idea though. _That's called an autobiography, moron_, he reminded himself. But the poetry flowed still, like a dam being removed from a flooded river. There was no room or tolerance for worry and caution.

The elevator opened and Dan stepped into the now-familiar Waldorf foyer. Everything was as it usually was, neat, clean, organized, and pristine. The whole penthouse was eerily silent though, like it was empty or forgotten. Not even Dorota entered the hall to ask who had entered. The quiet was calm, and completely unassuming, but something made Dan swallow hard. Something wasn't right, and he could feel it.

With hesitant steps he mounted the stairs and arrived at Blair's door. Knocking lightly, he walked inside.

The room was empty.

The bed was unmade, with the covers thrown back. Clothes were discarded all along the floor, and the small kitten lay curled up in one of Blair's sweaters on the carpet by the foot of the bed. The curtains were half open, and what light could manage to get into the room was falling across the floor in wilting slats of winter sunlight. Across the room, behind the bathroom door, Dan could hear the shower running, but he also heard the sound of someone retching violently. Worry kicked in and he hurried across the room, his hand on the doorknob. He stopped himself before he opened it, remembering that he was invading Blair's privacy as it was.

With a hesitant knock against the wood, Dan called, "Blair? Are you all right?"

There was no response.

Dan waited for a few minutes, by which time the fearful sounds of vomiting had subsided, quickly followed by the toilet flushing, he then said, "Are you sick?"

No response.

Without thinking, and not quite understanding why he was doing it, Dan opened the door and stepped inside, "Look, Blair, if you're sick you don't have to be embarrassed-" He cut himself short once the intense steam had filtered into the bedroom and he could see properly into the bathroom.

Half-leaning against the side of the tub, and half-lying on the bathroom floor was Blair. She was dressed in dark blue silken pajama shorts and a Constance Billard French Club t-shirt. Because of the heat in the room due to the steam, the clothes were sticking to her body and her hair was growing limp and frizzy. Perspiration dotted her forehead and collarbone, but she seemed to pay no notice. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was harsh, as if she was forcing it deeply in and out. Even from where he stood, Dan could see that she was shaking uncontrollably. But these things didn't even frighten him, it was the scene around her that disturbed him. Littering the bathroom floor were empty boxes of cookies and crackers, tupperware with little or no remnants of food left, empty ziploc bags, wrappers for expensive chocolates, the plastic wrapping from fancy cheeses, discarded cartons of yogurt, and two liter bottles of soda. The scene was haunting, but the reason wouldn't click, Dan's brain wouldn't allow him to register what had actually happened- what was actually happening.

Blair hadn't heard Dan come into the penthouse, or even into her bedroom. The shower had been on full blast and the sound of choking and sputtering was like a volcano erupting right within her ear canal. It wasn't until after she had flushed the toilet for the umpteenth time, when the tears were still, slowly seeping down her face, with her forehead rested against the cool surface of the tub, that she realized he was standing in the open doorway of the bathroom. For some reason she didn't move, didn't try to mask what she had done. Something told her she should try to conceal her actions, try to hide this from everyone, especially Dan. But her brain was working in slow motion, and she couldn't quite figure out how to get up or talk.

The heat in the room finally got to Dan and he hurried across the tiles, stepping over the evidence of a binge, and grappled with the knobs of the tub before the water finally shut off, leaving the room a quiet, steaming, mess.

Blair groaned unconsciously, and Dan lowered himself down to her level. He put an arm around her waist and hooked her arm around his shoulder. The sudden upward movement seemed to bring her to her senses slightly and she began to slur words together.

"Dannnnnnn," she pointed to the toilet, panic shooting her into autopilot. She shook the fogginess from her brain and pulled away from him, "No. You shouldn't be here- Y-You should go."

Dan took her shoulders in his hands as she tried to push him out of the door, "Blair, what is wrong? What's happening here?"

She shook her head, new tears leaking from her eyes, "Go."

"I'm not leaving until you explain to me-"

"I don't have to explain anything to you!" she shouted suddenly, the noise surprising herself more than Dan. "Just- Just get out of my house!"

She tried to twist out of his grasp, but he held tight, "Bla-Blair! Stop it!" she fought against his vice, wanting to get away from him, away from the situation, away from life, away from herself. "I'm not leaving you alone-"

"Go away!" her voice was rasping and choked by tears, and her throat ached terribly.

Control was spiraling so far away from her, and it had been so close. Nothing was going her way, nothing was right. Where was the perfect life she deserved? Who were these people who she called friends and family? The people she wanted to be cast in the movie of her life were nowhere in sight. The script was not unfolding the way she had planned. She wasn't the heroine she wanted to be. There was nothing elegant or sophisticated about being picked up off the bathroom floor by the boy she was having an affair with, her breath probably reeking of undigested yogurt and brie.

Because Dan wouldn't let go of her, and because nothing ever went her way, she began to twist with renewed vigor to get out of his grip. When her struggling didn't work she began to hit any surface of his body she could reach; his arms, his chest, his face, his stomach, his shoulders. He endured it all, keeping his hold on her tighter than ever.

When her angry violence slowed and the tears and sobbing took over, she covered her mouth with both of her hands, with her arms held tight against her chest, and buried her eyes in the fabric of Dan's shirt. Slowly, he put his arms around her. She sobbed against him, tears soaking through the material of his shirt as she cried, like she had never cried before. He alternated between rubbing her back, smoothing down her hair, whispering comforting words, and kissing her head, while she cried, hoping to relieve some of the pain.

Finally, when her crying had subsided somewhat, Dan led her over to her bed. They lay down under her covers and she curled up against him, insisting that he put his arms around her while she tried to regain her composure. She knew she was crying because of him, because he had thrown her whole plan off-kilter, because he had taken her by surprise and made her fall in love with him, but even so, she needed him and she was glad he was there to comfort her. Without his kind words of, 'It'll be okay' and 'I'm here, you're all right' and his soft soothing hands working the tension out of her back by simply moving across her skin, she knew his presence had a calming, pleasant effect to it. His smell- his body heat was all she needed.

After an hour or so of lying together, when Blair had gone still and her breathing had returned to normal, Dan whispered, "I wish I had known."

She shook her head against him, "No one knows."

"Your parents don't-"

"They do," she mumbled against his chest. "And Serena."

He rubbed the top of her head with his chin, "You need help."

"I've gotten help-"

"Get it again."

She closed her eyes, though he couldn't see, "Please don't give me a prescription right now, okay? Can't you be the one person in my life who just lets me be?"

"Blair, this isn't okay. I don't want you to get hurt-"

Too late.

She scoffed, "Why'd you even come here?" she pulled away from his arms and sat on the edge of the bed, with her back to him. "You should never have found out."

"Hey," he said beratingly. Tugging at the hem of her shirt, he said, "Come here."

She glanced at him and saw the sad smile on his face, "Why?" she snapped.

"We don't have to talk about anything you don't want to," he told her.

She contemplated this, and because she was still shaking and shivering, she crawled into his embrace and took a deep breath of his body spray, feeling her nerves start to unwind, finally.

* * *

Blair was so near to falling asleep that she thought she was dreaming when she heard Serena's voice floating through her mind, followed shortly by Nate's.

"Baby B!" the excited blonde's shrillness crept upstairs. "Time to party!"

Then Nate said, "Serena, she might be asleep-"

"She better not be asleep!" Serena yelled over-dramatically for Blair to hear.

Blair opened her eyes, realizing that they were getting very close to her bedroom, probably walking up the stairs. She winced when she realized they would probably throw the door open without knocking and attack her on her bed. Dan was beside her, alert, sitting up. They exchanged a look of understanding and he grabbed his shoes and disappeared into the closet. Blair shot up and quickly closed her bathroom door, shutting the evidence of her 'habits' away from the other two.

She started to walk toward her bed again, hoping she looked calm and casual, when the door swung open and Serena breezed in. Nate followed behind her, looking sheepish and bashful as he allowed Serena to take center stage.

Blair tried to pretend like she cared when Serena approached her and took her hands in hers, "Blair, I am the worst best friend in the world."

_Yes, you are_, Blair wanted to say acidly, but she just gave Serena a quizzical look.

"And we've agreed that Nate is the worst boyfriend."

"What are you talking about?" Blair asked, almost desperately, afraid Nate was going to break up with her and Serena was going to tell her that they were going to be together.

Serena exclaimed, "YOUR BIRTHDAY!"

Oh right, _that_ again.

"You know I'm so scatterbrained, and school has been so crazy that we didn't even realize. I mean I haven't even looked at a calendar since September- Well, until this morning," the blonde said in a rush. "There's really no excuse for it and we are teeeeeeeeeeeeeeerribly sorry."

Blair thought bitterly about the fact that Serena spoke so plainly for both of them. From where he was crouched in the shadows of the closet, Dan was thinking acidic thoughts along the same lines. They shouldn't have forgotten at all. Her best friend and her boyfriend couldn't remember her birthday? He was appalled. _And why can't Nate apologize for himself?_ he silently asked, scowling at the door. _Coward._

_Yeah, way to have Serena do all your dirty work,_ Blair wanted to shake her head.

"We want to make it up to you," Nate said.

Serena's face lit up, "Yes! We want to take you out today- We're doing whatever you want!"

"Guys, that's really nice," Blair said. "But I've been feeling a little shitty today, I kind of just want to sleep."

"No!" Serena nearly shouted desperately. "You can't stay inside! You want me to call Dan and he can pick us up something from Magnolia and bring it over?"

Blair wasted no time, stumbling over her own tongue to say 'No!' but Serena had already dialed Dan's number and had pressed it to her ear.

Within the closet Dan's ears had perked up, but he figured he would just not answer the call and they would never guess he was at Blair's, only a few feet away. Unfortunately, Dan's phone wasn't on silent. An irritating electronic version of a song by The Strokes began to drift from the closet. Blair began to cough and wheeze, hoping to block out the sound. Dan began to slap his pockets, scrambling to find his phone, nervous to be heard.

Serena looked around, "Do you hear that?"

Blair nearly began hacking up a lung, choking, "Hear what?"

Finally, Dan found his phone in his jacket pocket and, with shaking hands, ignored the call. As soon as the voice mail sounded to Serena she looked at the phone and hung up.

"That was weird."

Miraculously, Blair's fit of coughing subsided and she asked, "What's weird?"

"I think he ignored my call," Serena replied.

Trying to act naturally, Blair simply asked, "Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

Nate furrowed his eyebrows, but Blair was so desperate for the topic of Dan to be done with, that she spoke quickly, "Maybe it was an accident- Who knows? The point is that I don't really want anything from Magnolia."

"Blaaaaaaaaaaair!" Serena mock-whined, but it sounded irritating all the same. "We have to celebrate your birthday somehow!"

"I appreciate that, but I already celebrated and I feel like shit," she gave them a weak smile. "Let's celebrate some other day, okay?"

Serena frowned, and Nate looked between both of them uselessly.

Pouting a little, Serena suggested, "Can't we at least spend time with you here?" her eyes brightened. "We could all lay in your mom's bed and watch old movies! If you're feeling better later we can order Chinese or pizza and drink champagne 'til we fall over."

Panic ripped through Blair's chest like a knife-wound. There was no way she could spend the day with Serena and Nate- Dan was still in the closet! If she agreed to a day of old movies and junk food it might distract her from thinking about Dan and her feelings, but it would also mean that Serena, Nate, and she would go straight to her mother's room and stay there for the rest of the day. How could Dan get out without being seen or heard? Biting her tongue, she began to think furiously. She had to get Serena and Nate out of the house for a long enough period of time for Dan to get out and disappear before they came back.

"All right," Blair nodded. "You guys go get popcorn and candy from Blockbuster- I'll stay here and get everything ready in my mom's room."

Within the closet Dan listened, admiring Blair's quickness, but he frowned. He didn't want to leave her, he wanted to stay and make sure she didn't throw up the junk food she would probably eat later that day. He didn't want to leave her with unfeeling viciousness of Nate and Serena. Dan felt as if he needed to protect her, to help her, to be there for her. But by agreeing to their idea of spending the day at her house, Blair was pretty much saying, 'Dan, you need to leave,' and he knew it was because of what had happened, because he had found out she had some sort of eating disorder. In the darkness of his confined space, he cringed.

Clapping like a little kid, Serena grinned, "Okay! Come on, Natie!" she grabbed his arm and they left the room.

Once the two were safely in the elevator and Blair had heard the lift begin to descend, she closed her bedroom door and walked over to the closet. Opening the door, she watched Dan walk out, a little angry, a little disappointed.

"We should wait a minute or so before you leave-"

"Blair, when is this going to stop?" he asked her curtly, then turning to sarcasm. "I love hiding in your closet and all, but- I mean, come on."

She looked at him for a few long seconds, not saying a word.

He shook his head, "Why are we playing this twisted game?" he looked deeply into her eyes. "I care about you and I want to help you- How can I do that when we're supposed to be a secret?"

"I don't need anyone's help-"

"Blair," he cut her off. "I found you on the bathroom floor-"

She nearly jumped as she shouted, "Stop it! Just stop!"

He stared at her, watching as her face tinged pink and her chest rose and fell heavily.

"I _do not_ need anyone's help," she said with finality.

He was reaching the end of his rope. He loved her, he knew this much, but she was too confusing, too drastic and stubborn. What could he do? He couldn't stand this secrecy anymore, but he wasn't sure he could stand not having her in his life either. What would he do if she simply refused to open up about their relationship, refused to break up with Nate and insisted he continue seeing Serena? He wouldn't have any ammunition against that except refusing to see her, and he wasn't sure it would hurt her as much as it would crush him. Because of all the confusion, and because of everything that was happening, he shook his head, he strode passed her and toward her bedroom door.

She followed him, and when he had his hand on the doorknob she said, "Dan."

He turned and looked at her. No words left her mouth, she only stared into his eyes pleadingly, desperately. She wasn't sure what she wanted to say, what feelings she wanted to convey or what ideas she wanted to express. So many thoughts and emotions were pulsing throughout her body, clogging up her mind and sending her heart racing. There was too much to think about, let alone say, but she didn't want Dan to leave angry; she didn't even want him to leave yet. And although she wasn't sure what she had stopped him for, or what she wanted to say or what she meant, the one look that passed between them seemed to explain it all, and Dan understood. He wasn't sure exactly what the look directly explained, but he did catch her meaning behind it, buried within it, and he knew he wasn't so angry anymore, only irreversibly confused.

Without saying a word, he nodded, letting go of the doorknob to take her hand in his. He leaned in to kiss her but she delicately covered her mouth, shaking her head. He smiled, understanding her fear of breath reeking of vomit, as if he cared at this point. Instead, he kissed her forehead and gave her hand a squeeze. With one last look he left her room and exited the penthouse all together, walking slowly, no longer caring if Serena or Nate found out he had been there.

**Author's Note:** Aaaaaaaaaah! So he knows her secret and he still loves her! Well, duh. So, will Blair finally just get over herself and love Dan completely? or will she run away from him? I know the answer, but you will have to wait and see! Sadly, the following chapters will be winding the story down. Well, it'll wind down and then up and then down for good... You'll see. Hope you liked chapter fourteen! Fifteen will be up soon! Season finale of Gossip Girl soon!? Dan/Blair interaction?! Personally, I hope Serena and Georgina throw down because that girl obviously needs a slap in the face. And Blair should make some snappy comment or stand there in all her complex-lovely-character-wonderfullness! Anyway, thanks for reading, reviewing is great, sorry about the rant!


	15. Black Hole

**Author's Note:** Happy Friday! **DON'T READ UNLESS YOU'VE SEEN THE SEASON FINALE**: Did anyone else jump up and scream and go crazy and pretty much freak out when Dan picked up the phone and said 'Hello Blair?' or was that just me?! The whole Dairness of that episode was enough to make all my hatred for Georgina melt away, especially when Blair gave her what she deserved, and then some!! That piece of Chair at the end was cringe-worthy, and then what about this new guy for Blair? Grrrrr. Well, we're not writing the show, so what can we do? I will say this: Dan and Blair are both single now, so the possibilities are endless! You're going to want to ring a few necks during this chapter... Enjoy it all the same!

**Chapter Fifteen**  
"Sooner or later this will fall apart  
It takes more than science  
To save a failing heart  
I wanted to keep you  
And hide you from the sun  
But no one could reach you  
But enough of these pointless noises  
Enough of just counting down  
This is not a test  
If love is not the answer  
Then maybe I misunderstood the question."  
-Aqualung

Steam rose up from the cut of juicy meat, aromatic and hot. Grill burns were etched across the steak, but artfully so, and Dan smelled the seasoning and natural deliciousness of the meat rise from his plate. The twice-baked potato that also sat on his plate was enough to make anyone's mouth water, with a buttery smoothness, a dollop of sour cream, and just enough pepper that he knew it wouldn't agitate his mouth. A hint of melted butter glistened on the steamed vegetables coloring his plate; his favorite side dish at Carny's Steakhouse, joining his favorite entree on a very hot plate. But despite his preferences, Dan was having a hard time even thinking about eating the food. All he could do was sip his soda and hope that his anxious stomach settled.

"Have you gone vegetarian?" Rufus asked teasingly from across the table, taking a bite of his extremely sloppy, but delicious, personal pizza.

The only reason Dan had even ordered the meal was for his father's benefit, but now he realized he would probably have to eat it too. With trepidation in his actions, he picked up his fork and knife and began to cut the meat in front of him. He raised the piece to his mouth and began to chew. It would have been delicious under any other circumstance, but right now he felt like gagging. The image of Blair, lying on the bathroom floor, steam covering her body in beads of sweat and anxiousness, reentered his mind and he had to force himself to swallow the food within his mouth instead of spitting it out. He couldn't stomach the idea of her doing what she was doing to herself, and he found his nervous stomach was only getting worse and worse. And sitting down with his father to talk about girls and his curfew was not what he would have preferred to do at that moment.

Rufus watched Dan gulp down some soda and then eat a small forkful of potatoes. Because his actions were stilted and strange, Mr. Humphrey tried to make light of the situation, hoping for an explanation, "Watching your figure, son?"

"No, I'm just- I guess I'm not as hungry as I thought I was," he said, not looking his father in the eyes.

They ate in silence for a few minutes.

Dan managed to slowly eat his meal, washing everything down with water and soda every other bite. Rufus watched his son closely, trying to figure out his strange behavior. When it became clear that watching Dan's eating patterns wasn't going to reveal anything to him, he decided to just come out and talk about what he had taken him to dinner for. He pushed his chair a little closer to the table and wiped his mouth before carefully thinking over his words.

He finally said, "Dan, I wanted to talk about your not coming home last night."

Dan froze a little, fork raised above his steak. Looking up, he waited for his father to speak again.

"Look, son, it's just-" he fumbled with his words, trying to find a proper way of going about the conversation. "You haven't known Serena that long and I'm not sure if it's good for you to be spending the night together already."

For a moment Dan didn't say anything, instead he translated all of his father's words to go along with his situation with Blair.

_You haven't known Blair that long and I'm not sure it's good for you to be spending the night together._

"Dad, I'm pretty sure I love her-"

Rufus shook his head, "Dan, you're young. Serena's very beautiful, and probably a lot of fun, but you might need to slow down a bit."

_Blair's very beautiful, and probably a lot of fun, but you need to slow down a bit._

"I don't like her because she's fun- Dad, she's- she's just amazing."

"That may be, but she's also sixteen years old."

Dan shook his head, "She's seventeen."

Serena was, in fact, still sixteen.

"Regardless?" Rufus began. "You're too young, and it's too fast. You've spoken to me about Serena, and I've tried to help you- But you were so unsure whether or not you even liked her, and now you're- I don't know- spending the night with her?"  
_  
You've spoken to me about Blair.  
_  
Dan shook his head, "I've never spoken to you about her."

"Yes. You said you weren't sure if Serena was the girl for you because of who her best friend was."

_You said you weren't sure if Blair was the girl for you because of who her best friend was.  
_  
The translation wasn't working, and it was making Dan frustrated. All he wanted- All he needed- was advice, and he knew his dad could give him that. Through all the problems and questions he'd had in his life, his father had always been there for him, without question, without judgment, unconditionally. And unlike some teenagers he felt comfortable talking to his father about parties where there was drinking and girls he had liked or kissed. So now, he decided, was the best time for him to be honest with his dad. This lying and sneaking around behind his own father's back was making him feel too uncomfortable anyway.

So, Blair Waldorf or not, his father would help him.

Sighing, Dan dropped his voice, saying, "Dad, can I just tell you the truth?"

"Sure," Rufus said slowly, as if he should be afraid of whatever the truth was.

Dan rubbed his jaw with the heel of his hand, thinking about how he could word this without seeming like a selfish, horrible, inconsiderate, ass of a hypocrite.

Yeah, that's a tough one.

"Dad, I was telling you the truth when I thought I liked Serena," he paused. "But, I know I don't feel that way about her anymore."

"What-"

He cut his father off, "I've still been seeing her, although I don't exactly want to."

"Dan, what are you talking about?" his father asked, urgency and worry creeping into his voice.

Swallowing, Dan said, "I've been seeing someone else too, behind Serena's back- Behind everyone's back."

"Dan, are you gay?" his father asked in a hushed voice. "Because if you are, I don't care, you're still my son and I still love you-"

Dan shook his head, "Dad- No," he ran a hand through his hair, growing slightly frustrated. "I've been seeing another girl behind everyone's back- And she has a boyfriend too, so it's really complicated now."

"You?" Rufus shook his head, as if he couldn't understand any of this information. "But why? Why are you still seeing Serena if you want to see someone else?"

"Because Blair Waldorf told me to?" Dan said cautiously, as if waiting for a bomb to go off.

It took a minute for Rufus to say, "Blair? As in Serena's best friend?" Dan nodded. "Well- I mean- Who is it you're seeing secretly?"

"Blair Waldorf?"

Rufus allowed his jaw to drop a little, and he stared at his son for a good long minute.

Finally, he managed to say, "I thought- Didn't you say Blair was everything you hated about the Upper East Side?"

"She's different, Dad- I got to know her and I- It's complicated and confusing, but- I think I love her."

Rufus nodded slowly, "And she's who you were with when you didn't come home?"

"Yes, it was her birthday yesterday. Everyone forgot, even Serena and her boyfriend- I wanted to make it special for her- I'm sorry-"

His father silenced him by raising his hand, "Dan, you don't have to explain yourself," he nodded slowly.

"But you just said I couldn't spend the night with Serena, why could I spend the night with Blair?" he asked, his eyebrows creased in confusion.

Rufus laughed a little, "Because I saw the look in your eyes when you said you think you love her," he nodded. "I think you do, and I trust you with your feelings. Just be careful with them. But what about Blair, does she feel the same way?"

Yeah Humphrey, does she?

* * *

"Oh my God," Serena said shrilly. "I love-love-love this movie!"

Because Serena was laying on her stomach, with her eyes far away from Blair at the opposite end of the bed, and because Nate was so entranced in the movie, and Serena, Blair rolled her eyes.

About four hours had passed since Dan had left, and Serena and Nate had invaded. She was beginning to feel itchy with restlessness and annoyed to no end, as if she wanted to jump out of her skin. First, they had put on _Breakfast at Tiffany's_, because Blair was sure that would be the only thing that could get her through hanging out with the two. And when the credits began to roll, after they had consumed two bags of buttery popcorn, and several boxes of varying candy, Serena had declared that they should watch Pierce Brosnan in _Die Another Day_, instead of another Audrey Hepburn film. Nate readily agreed with this idea, having seen enough old-time Audrey Hepburn romance to last him a lifetime. So they watched the action movie, with Serena swooning all over the place, declaring her love for the Irish actor. Nate curled his feet unconsciously at all the action-packed parts, and Blair observed the two of them, feeling her anger fester.

They had come to her house to celebrate her birthday. And then they had refused to watch the movies she wanted, to do what they wanted instead. Cringing couldn't tide her over any longer, she felt like she needed to hit someone. Preferably someone blonde, or male. Instead, she pushed herself deeper into her mother's Swedish mattress and crossed her arms, fuming.

Nate winced, "He better not-"

"He's gonna!" Serena retorted playfully.

"No-No-No-N-"

Serena sat up as they both watched and squabbled over the movie, pointing at the screen, "BAM!" she barked, startling Blair so much that her heart began racing.

"I'll be right back," she said, standing and disappearing out of the bedroom and down the hall. Looking for a place to hide, to get away, she went into her room, closed the door, and hid in the back of her closet, allowing herself to be drenched in quiet darkness.

Hugging her knees to her chest, she focused on the sound of her own breathing, and the calm silence of this small space. Resting her forehead on the tops of her knees, she sighed heavily, allowing her whole body to vibrate and relax with fatigue. So many thoughts and worries were bouncing around in her head all the time, so much so that she couldn't have a moment to herself anymore. Guilt over using Dan, over what her true feelings were, were still eating her up inside. Her anger towards Serena and Nate for screwing her over and betraying her through furtive glances and secret text messages was battling the desire to forget her whole plan in the first place, to get back at them. Revenge and control had always been her best skills, but now, now she almost wanted to be honest with Dan, wanted to fix everything and make it different. But Serena and Nate were being so heinously disloyal that she couldn't help but feel like she should at least wait until the winter formal to decide.

Whatever she decided, she was obsessing over the choices and opportunities, the ideas and the possibilities. She played out scenarios of what could go wrong and what she could to prevent those, what she could do to help herself later on. Nightmarish thoughts of Dan finding out what she had been planning and ignoring her forever because of the selfish bitch that she was plagued her mind, causing her to worry and wonder. But she didn't care about Dan, right?

_Suuuuuuuure._

And with all these thoughts whirring behind her eyes, dealing with Serena and Nate's faux best friend/boy friend behavior was driving her insane. They were too cheerful, too happy around one another, hoping their emotions would spill out and infect Blair and she would act like everything was great and dandy, even though it wasn't. She couldn't take it. She needed seriousness and quiet right now, not loud and immature ridiculousness. What she needed was someone like Dan, to just _understand_ what she needed.

But she wouldn't admit that to anyone, let alone herself.

* * *

That night Dan had a hard time falling asleep.

Any time he closed his eyes he saw Blair's small frame, lying on her bathroom floor, steam surrounding her, a delirious and timidly panicked look in her glazed eyes. He heard her voice, telling him, with much difficulty forming the words, to leave, embarrassment and privacy forcing her to react when she was hardly conscious. He felt her soft fingers grasping his arms, trying to push him away; her balled up fists beating at him out of frustration and anger; her hair tickling his face and neck as he lay, his arms wrapped around her, on her bed. And it haunted him; it bothered him and worried him, and made him toss and turn, twisting his sheets around his body.

The minutes of the night ticked away, red and luminescent on the digital clock, and he wished he could just fall asleep. An escape from his twisted and confused thoughts was what he wanted, and sleep would have been perfect, but it would not close itself upon him.

_Why does she do it?_ he asked himself. _Is it just because she wants to be thin? Or is it because she's trying to think about this problem, as opposed to the other problems in her life?  
_  
He didn't care either way. He wasn't going to judge her if it was just to stay thin, or if she couldn't help it at all, he just knew that he wanted to help her, that he wanted to fix this problem for her. And he worried she'd distance herself from him, cut off all contact and communication, secret or not, now that he knew about her problem. Staring at the ceiling in the dark, Dan shook his head and frowned.

"Oh Blair," he whispered into the darkness. "You're like a goddamn maze."

Try an indecisive labyrinth of designer labels and neurotic tendencies.

* * *

At school that Monday, Blair noticed Dan trying to catch her attention more than once. Whether he was sneaking her covert glances across the courtyard, or sending her thoughtful texts during physics, she knew he was concerned, and it made her antsy. During lunch she was so distracted that she ripped back the top of her yogurt cup and sent strawberry-flavored cream across the steps of the Met. Serena was the only one sitting with her, and she watched Blair's agitated actions with concern and distraction.

"Bee, are you okay?" she asked, popping a piece of fruit into her mouth.

Blair looked at Serena, as if noticing her sitting beside her for the first time, "I'm fine," she chuckled. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"You just seem a little tense."

"I'm fine," Blair said again, wiping a little yogurt off of her leather boots with a napkin.

Silence descended upon them, interrupted solely by the sound of traffic and voices around them. Blair didn't look at Serena, only focusing on mixing the rest of her yogurt with her spoon. The blonde, however, was searching the steps, as if looking for someone, ignoring her lunch all together. After a few long seconds, Serena turned back to Blair, when she felt Blair's face was placid enough, she asked, "Where are Kati and Is?" Blair gave Serena a nearly scathing look as she placed her yogurt cup on the step below her.

Shrugging, she said, "How should I know?"

"Can I use your phone to text them then?" she insisted. "I forgot mine at home."

Blair waved her hand at her, "Whatever," and she focused on blowing at her coffee.

Silently, Serena went through Blair's phone, until something made her fingers freeze.

"You have a text," her voice sounded sick and tight.

Blair gave her a confused look, wondering why Serena's behavior was suddenly so constipated, "So?"

"It's from Dan," she said, her voice turning angry. "He wants to know if you're okay."

The brunette froze.

Serena bit her lower lip, looking away, almost seeming like she was going to cry, or scream, "Why are you and Dan texting, Blair?" she demanded. "I thought you hated Dan."

"Why would I hate Dan?" Blair reacted quickly.

"Because you always used to say he's Brooklyn trash, and that I can do better," her voice was so accusatory that Blair nearly winced.

Knotting her eyebrows, Blair said, "Dan? Dan's from New Have- Oh!" she made it seem like she was finally understanding the whole situation. "You thought it was a text from your Dan!" she forced a smile. "It's from Dan Allbridge, he lives next door to us in Connecticut."

"I don't know a Dan Allbridge," Serena said suspiciously.

"That's because he just moved there- Our parents made us talk and stuff- He's really nice," she took her phone back from her friend. "Don't worry, I'll call Kati and Is."

As Blair pressed the phone to her ear, listening to it ring, she took a big sip of her coffee, wincing as it burned the roof her mouth, her tongue, and her throat. 'Close call' was the word that came to her mind.

Not regarding the coffee.

* * *

Dan waited outside of Blair's building, his shoulder's hunched against the cold. His jacket was buttoned closed, but the windy November air was creeping up his sleeves and under the fabric of his clothes, causing goose bumps to rise on his skin. He began to rub his palms together, blowing hot breath onto them every few minutes. His thin, St. Jude's uniform pants were allowing the gusts right through them, and he was losing the feeling in his calves, so he began to stamp his feet a little. Basically, he looked like a demented Weeble, wobbling around to keep warm.

"A little chilly, Dan?" Peter, the doorman, called from under the awning of the building.

Dan gave him a good-natured eye roll, "Yeah, you keep making fun of me over there in your nice wool coat."

"Why don't you wait inside?" the man offered with a chuckle.

"No," Dan said hesitantly, preferring to focus on the striking cold, as opposed to what Blair would say when she saw him. "I'm okay-"

Suddenly, a familiar, but incredulous, voice cut him off, "Dan?"

Dan turned and saw Blair walking down the sidewalk toward him. She was dressed in a light blue pea-coat, with a black baret over her low side-ponytailed head. Of course, Dan couldn't help but smile upon seeing her; she looked beautiful, even with a pink nose and cheeks, and eyes, gleaming with water from the sharp winds. However, Blair wasn't smiling as she approached him, in fact, she looked disbelieving, if not very angry.

And she was.

She was downright pissed. Who did Dan think he was, waiting for her in front of her house? Did he think they were close enough that he could do that? _We are_. She swallowed, _No we're not_. She didn't want him to care this much, didn't want him to love her because of how horrible she was. But she felt her chest ache when she thought of how it would be without him caring, without him being the Brooklyn boy who always seemed to be at the wrong place, at the wrong time, doing everything that drove her crazy.

"Hey," he smiled, walking up the sidewalk to meet her. "I came by because you haven't been answering my texts."

She grabbed his arm and swiftly steered him into the building.

When they were in the elevator she hissed, "What the hell is the matter with you?" she harshly dropped his arm.

He faltered, "Excuse me?"

"What are you doing here?" she asked, pressing the emergency button, causing the elevator to shudder to a stop. "What if someone had seen you?"

"I was _worried_ about you," he said, agitation slipping into his voice.

She shook her head, closing her mouth for a moment before saying, "I already told you, I don't need anyone to worry about me or help me or anything."

"Blair-"

"Look," she cut him off, anger flaring up inside of her. "Serena saw one of the texts you sent me today- She's getting suspicious, and you hanging around my building in plain view is not helping!"

Dan was growing angry now. He was only worrying about her, caring for her, and she was yelling at him, punishing him. She had no right. But she didn't even realize she was doing it. Blair was just so angry, so confused and put-off that she couldn't help but take her frustration out on everyone around her. Control had never slipped through her fingers so much. It was like she was close enough to see a plan laid out, mapping the future so it all made sense, so everything she wanted could happen all at once, but it was too far to actually reach or understand. So, she yelled. She didn't think about what she was saying, or how it would affect anyone, she just said what seemed to abate her anger.

Dan shook his head, laughing as if he couldn't believe what was happening before him, "We don't need for Serena to be suspicious! We don't need to sneak around like this!" he took her hands in his. "I'll tell Serena things are over, and you can break up with-"

"Stop it!" she ordered, wrenching out of his grasp. "We couldn't."

Heart beating wildly, afraid of what her answer would be, Dan asked, "Why not?"

"Because," she stammered, looking at him and then looking away nervously. She couldn't tell him that they had to stay together because some vengeful part of her still wanted to get back at Serena and Nate, even if it meant she was technically using Dan. Instead, she said, "Because no one can know."

Dan stared at her, his jaw clenched tightly. He loved her, he knew that. If he had to jump down the very elevator shaft they were standing in to save her life, he felt very sure that he would do it; but there was only so much he could take. She couldn't step over him like this, jerking him around and pulling him on some invisible leash. Dignity was something that Dan felt he still had intact, and he wasn't going to let her rip it away from him. And why? Why did she do this? Why didn't she just break up with Nate if she was so unhappy with him? Why did he have to stay with Serena as if he didn't love Blair? What was happening here?

Slowly, as if trying to clarify it with himself, Dan wondered, "Are you _ashamed_ of me, Blair?"

"No!" she said quickly, nearly crying out. "Dan that's not it at all."

But she wondered if she would date him, if the circumstances were different, because he was from Brooklyn, because he was a scholarship student.

_I'd still love him._

He was growing even more angry and impatient now, she could tell by the way the muscles in his jaw and neck were contracting, and the way that his eyes were glaring into hers. She and Dan had never fought before, it had always been joking, teasing, playing, and touching, never talking like this to start a fight. He frightened her a little bit- not as if she was afraid he would hurt her- she was afraid that he would get so angry with her that he'd finish their 'affair' and leave her forever. It made her heart and stomach twist at the same time. She couldn't lose him, but she felt like she _shouldn't_ care. Confusion clouded her eyes, accompanied by tears.

He shook his head, as if he was sick and disgusted, "How could you be so petty? How could you- How could you be such a _snob_?"

"Dan," she grabbed his shoulders, trying to pull him toward her, but he pulled away. "That's not what this is!"

"Then what is it, Blair?!" he shouted, making her jump. "What is this fucking sick and twisted game you're making me play?!"

She stared at him, trying hard to keep the tears contained in her eyes. Nothing made sense anymore, and she felt like her head was too full to even think anything through.

Dan jammed the emergency button again and the elevator shook into life, bringing them closer to Blair's penthouse. She was shaking, he couldn't tell, but she was trembling slightly, anxious and afraid. Part of her was praying that this fight wouldn't make him break up with Serena, hoping he wouldn't tell everyone what had been going on. Another part of her was afraid that he was so angry with her, so sick of her games, that he was going to refuse to speak to her again. But he loved her, she knew that- He wouldn't leave her. Something in her brain reminded her that she wasn't supposed to care either way. And then a big part of her heart was aching, hoping he would still love her tomorrow.

The elevator doors opened onto Blair's foyer, and she slowly, with fragility in her steps, walked into her home. Once she stood on the marble she turned and looked at Dan. His jaw was still clenched tightly, and his brow was furrowed angrily, but he was looking at her, waiting. She swallowed, her lips trembling a little. She didn't like him looking at her like that, she was so used to him looking at her with caring and adoration, or even lustful hunger, but this disappointment and disgust was almost too much for her to take.

"Dan," she said, her voice weak and trembling.

He shook his head, "I don't think you have anything more to say to me."

She opened her mouth to speak, but she wasn't sure what to say.

Without saying anything to her in return he kept his eyes locked with hers, hot and dissatisfied, and leaned forward, pressing the button for the doors to close. As they slid shut, their eyes stayed locked, but she received such an angry- almost hateful- look, that she nearly glanced away.

When the lift began to move downward, and the humming of it got quieter and quieter, she slowly slumped to the floor, covering her mouth with her hand, ripping her baret off with the other. Tears gushed down her face and sobs were threatening to erupt within her throat. She was shaking violently now, painfully sitting on her ankle in the cold marble hall. But it wasn't just Dan's anger that had made her cry with such passion, it was also her confusion, and her frustration. Was she still angry at Serena and Nate, enough to screw them over? Was she still pissed enough that they liked each other, when she didn't even like Nate anymore? And what were her feelings for Dan? She couldn't even define her own emotions anymore, not by any stretch of the imagination. Nothing made sense, and everything was being thrown at her all at once. She couldn't digest it, couldn't process anything that was in her brain.

She decided, without really consciously deciding, that she needed to get away.

**Author's Note:** Can anyone guess what's going to happen next? Aaaaaaah! My Mondays feel pointless now that Gossip Girl is over, and a new episode always pushed me to update this story. Although I'm anything but uninspired. I've decided **Aqualung** provides the soundtrack to Dan/Blair for me, what is everyone else's Dan/Blair music? Hope you liked this chapter! Next one is coming soon!


	16. Fall Away

**Author's Note:** Thank you for all the reviews! I must say, I quite agree with everyone's Dan/Blair music choices. Coldplay, Dashboard Confessional, Lifehouse, Michelle Branch, love it all for Dair! I have to say this too, I get some of the funniest reviews for this story. So far I've been promised brownies, I ought to replace Cecily von Ziegasar, been agreed with, and have been called a queen. And just so you know, all of it made me smile for about a year and brag to everyone and anyone, even after they tell me to shut up and roll their eyes. I love you guys! Here is more Dair for your angsty enjoyment!  
**  
Chapter Sixteen**  
"You swear you recall nothing at all  
That could make you come back down  
You made up your mind  
To leave it all behind  
Now you're forced to fight it out  
You fall away from your past  
But it's following you  
You left something undone  
It's now your rerun  
You fall away from your past  
But it's following you."  
-The Fray

Once upon a time, Blair had gotten a secret thrill from hearing people talk with genuine British accents. Sure, she lived in New York City, came in contact with British people all the time, and heard the accent often, but it had never ceased to give her chills and make her smile. She would always act nonchalant and casual when speaking to someone British, usually because Serena was with her, and Serena had been so exposed to England, Japan, and India growing up because of her father's company, that she didn't care otherwise. For Serena, hearing a British accent was like hearing Nana van der Woodsen talking. But for Blair, hearing the accent was like a feather-light kiss on the cheek; it was like Audrey Hepburn winking, only through vocalization, through someone else's words and voice. The British accent was special, no matter what they were saying, she had always loved it, had always basked in the sound.

Until now.

"Can I get you a drink, miss?"

Blair sent the British Airways stewardess a withering glare as the plane bucked against the turbulent air. The woman had a blonde bob, and her blue eyes were wrinkled, covered in fading liner and mascara. Her uniform and her yellowing teeth were too big for her, and there was a slight run in her stocking. She clutched the back of Blair's chair as the plane pitched down a little, trying to keep her crooked smile intact. But it wasn't even her appearance that made Blair scowl, it was the woman's voice. That British accent, all polite and stern and cheerful. It made her want to punch out her eardrums.

What gives, Audrey Hepburn?

Blair clutched at the arms of her chair, trying to keep herself from moving too suddenly, "A drink? No, but could you get that kid behind me to shut up, maybe?"

"I'll try," the woman said, her forced politeness shining past Blair's bitchy attitude.

Faintly, she heard the stewardess ask the mother behind her if it was possible to quiet her son down. The mother had told her she was trying, but the turbulence was making him nauseous and his ears were popping.

_Join the fucking club kid!_ Blair wanted to turn around and shout, but she kept herself planted to her seat.

She had been surprised at how quickly her mother had agreed to let her go to France for Thanksgiving. All she had had to do was mention her nearly perfect class attendance, the fact that she never saw her father, and that she wanted to be out of the way for her mother's uptight, business Thanksgiving dinner party. And she was grateful that her mother had given in and agreed, but now everything and everyone was making her irritability venomous, and she was striking out at any chance she got. The accents pissed her off. The airport waiting room had pissed her off. The food pissed her off. The kid pissed her off. The seat pissed her off. The musty smell of stale plane-air pissed her off. Everything just seemed to make her want to lash out and punch someone across the face. And, inside, she was screaming.

To start off, not only had her flight to London been delayed, it had also been unbearable.

The whole time she had sat up in her giant first class seat, leaning against the window, watching the night sky pass by. The hours ticked away on the late flight, and everyone around her fell asleep. But Blair kept her overhead light on, biting her nails and willing away her nausea and anxiety. She tried to sleep, but thoughts of Dan, Serena, and Nate blossomed in her head, causing her to open her eyes and sit up. The thoughts weren't even coherent or formed, only pinpricks of ideas, or images of their faces, enough to send her reeling. She was trying to escape all of them, but she couldn't get away. So, she stayed awake for the whole flight, eating every meal and snack they offered her, finding it effortless to purge it all because of her air sickness. And when the stewardesses asked her if she was feeling well she told them flying made her nauseous, and they all gave her sympathetic smiles.

But when the early morning hours slipped forward, Blair found herself getting warmer and warmer in the close quarters of the plane. Someone diagonally behind her kept coughing and clearing his throat, making her dig her fingernails into her palm with restlessness. A woman sitting a few seats away from her began to spray herself with some cheap imitation perfume, making it hard for Blair to breathe. On top of it all, her head felt as if a thick pressure was pushing down on it, she wanted a shower, her nausea was mounting, and her legs were cramping. And for some reason, she focused on these annoyances and discomforts, she needed to, otherwise she would think about her fight with Dan and her heart would ache, or she would see Serena and Nate flirting, and realize she hardly cared at all. But whether she wanted to go through with her plan or not, she didn't want to decide or even think it over, she wanted to stop thinking about it all completely, if only for a few days. So, she focused on feeling as if she was going to throw up, and her inability to breathe properly.

So, by the time she had landed in London, she was fuming. She sat in the airport terminal, forced to stay inside for the two hour wait because of frigid winds outside. She ended up munching on two bags of Cheetos, drinking a bottle of diet Coke, and reading a copy of British _Vogue_. And when she got on her next flight, she was even more sick, extremely tired, and clearly pissed off. Which was why she had snapped at the stewardess. To her credit, she had only slept for a half an hour on the flight she was currently on, and the only thing she had eaten and kept down in two days were the Cheetos and soda, so she was understandably irritable.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are pleased to tell you that we are currently over Lyon and shall be landing within the next few minutes," the pilot's voice announced over the plane. "If you would, please stay in your seats until we land. Thank you."

Blair looked out the window, through wispy clouds and over dark landscapes. She couldn't tell that it was France, but she knew she was far away from Manhattan, and that was all she cared about, that was all that mattered.

* * *

Dan noticed that Blair wasn't in school on Tuesday or Wednesday that week, and he was concerned, but then his anger only turned to unabated anger.

After leaving her house on Monday he had blindly stormed into Central Park and walked. He walked until he shook violently from the cold, until his nose was red and runny, until he could barely move his toes, and until goose bumps rose up all over his body. Thoughts raced throughout his head, like bullets toward a target. He was reeling from his argument with her, from the meaning and ideas hidden behind the words she actually spoke and the things she actually did. He had been slightly ashamed, but mostly in a rage, when he thought of Blair being embarrassed to be seen with him. Is that what her whole game was? Keep him with Serena so he'd stay in the inner circle, but she'd date Nate because he was the right material, because she didn't want to suffer the brunt of the society backlash for dating someone from Brooklyn? He shook his head and breathed heavily, fuming for the rest of the day.

And when he noticed she wasn't in school, he worried for a few hours.

He had heard all the horror stories in health, about girls with eating disorders, specifically bulimia. Was Blair out of school because she ruptured her stomach? God forbid, had her heart failed? Maybe her mother had found out and had sent her away to a rehab clinic. He could only form discomforting ideas, making him even more restless and filled with anxiety.

And when Serena came to him in the courtyard during lunch and asked if he wanted to get food with her, he had asked, "You're not eating with Blair?" trying to sound nonchalant about it.

"No," she pouted playfully. "Blair went off to France to stay with her dad for Thanksgiving- He just bought a vineyard in Lyon."

And just like that, all of Dan's anxious visions of Blair being sent to the hospital or a rehabilitation center across the country slipped from his mind. He was relieved, of course, but the feeling was slowly replaced by fury. They had had a fight, and she had decided to skip town for a little vacation. It pissed him off that she was enjoying herself on a vineyard in Europe, while he was stuck in the city, pissed off. He could just see her, laughing and flirting with the young French boys in town, like a little coquette in designer clothes, having a good time, caring about nothing. And when he compared this idea, to his own feelings, freezing his ass off, with Serena wanting to go with him to get lunch, he grew even more annoyed.

The truth was, he cared too much, and he knew it. As much as he loved her, as much as he was missing her and knew he would miss seeing her around for the remainder of the week, his pride had been wounded by a possibility, and now he couldn't help but feel passionately angry. Even when it was probably effortless for her to forget about the fight, he couldn't help it. He was just thinking about it too deeply.

Serena bounced on her toes, "Anyway- Do you want to go to lunch?"

He was so angry, so distracted and, sort of jealous, that he nodded his head and left with her.

* * *

"Qu'est-ce que c'est que ca?"

Blair turned her head, seeing a little French girl pointing to a computer screen in the impressive Lyon Saint-Exupery Airport, looking quizzically at her parents. The family shuffled along with their bags, talking animatedly as they went. Blair sighed, finally feeling lighter as she stood in the middle of airport. She had already gotten her bags, and was now waiting for her father, but for the first time in what felt like weeks, her mind was quiet and still. Maybe it was because she was so tired, or maybe it was because she was so far from her problems, and that fact was so evident with so much French around her. She knew she was on another continent, she finally felt like she was far enough from Serena, Nate, and most of all, Dan, that she could breathe, and actually think straight.

Suddenly, from several meters behind her, came a familiar, very American voice, "Blair-Bear!"

Whirling around, she saw her father walking toward her, a big grin on his slightly weathered face. She realized, just then, how much she had been missing him and everything about him. She missed the smell of his cologne, missed the special dinners he sometimes made for the family, the way he wasn't always so hard and controlling when it came to her purging, the way his eyes and smile were so warm and welcoming; she even missed seeing his razor in the bathroom cabinet, or his clothing in the master bedroom. And because she hadn't seen him in so many months, hadn't heard his voice in person or looked at his face before her, tears sprang to her eyes. She felt like she needed him more than ever, like he could help ease the frustration and confusion that had been plaguing her for weeks.

Forgetting about the suitcase that rested at her feet, she ran forward and threw her arms around his middle. He laughed, putting his arms around her and hugging her tightly. She took a deep breath, basking in the comforting smell of her father, feeling her shoulders relax, her heartbeat calm.

"I missed you," she heard herself saying.

He kissed the top of her head, "I missed you too," he said, and when they pulled away he was very nearly beaming at her. "I'm so glad you decided to stay with us."

"Thanksgiving is _our_ thing," she reminded him.

Nodding with a smile, he walked over and picked up her suitcase, his free arm around her, guiding her toward the exit.

"Thanksgiving is going to be a little different this year," he told her. "We're going to cook a classic Thanksgiving meal, but we also have a surprise for you afterwards."

She giggled, feeling lighter and happier, just by being in her father's presence. She said, "I can't wait!"

He pulled her closer as they walked, saying, "Let's get home quickly, Roman is making us dinner."

Even when her father said it she didn't feel too territorial or angry or embarrassed or upset, she just felt happy to be spending time with him, to be in France.

* * *

When school ended on Wednesday afternoon everyone filed out of the building, loud and excited, pleased to have a longer weekend than usual, to sleep in and party. Dan, on the other hand, was still dealing with a heavy heart, and he walked to the subway station with a slow, shuffling gait.

He had gone with Serena to Starbucks the previous day, to get lunch like she had asked. And as they sat at a table, she spooning parfait into her mouth and he trying to eat a turkey wrap, he thought about how pretty she was. That was why he had liked her in the beginning, because she was beautiful, but her beauty didn't run past the surface for him, not enough that he would love her. She had the flowing mane of blonde hair that he believed Aphrodite to have, and deep blue eyes. Her smile was nearly infectious and her personality was bubbly, but he knew, more than ever, that he didn't like her anymore, not in the way she thought he did anyway.

But she was a nice person, she tried to please everyone and she wanted to have fun, she didn't deserve to be lied to, he decided.

"Blair's so lucky," Serena had chattered away, munching on granola. "I would love to go to Lyon for the week."

He contemplated, for several minutes, whether he should tell her the truth.

_Blair's forcing me to 'date' you._

_I don't love you._

_I've been secretly seeing your best friend._

_Blair- I'm in love with Blair.  
_  
But he couldn't do it. Blair was involved in that equation, it was just as much her business as it was his, and he felt he couldn't reveal their affair to anyone without her consent. Whether he was pissed at her or not, he would keep it a secret. For now.

Serena had asked, "Have you ever been out of the country?"

Sort of surprised to be speaking, he said, "Uh-Yeah, I've been to London, Vienna, and Venice."

"Where's Vienna?" she asked.

He paused, thinking she was kidding. Slowly, he said, "Austria."

"Oh wow! That's cool!" she licked her spoon. "I've been all over India, Japan, and England- My dad owns this company..."

But he wasn't listening to her anymore. He was thinking about whether or not he should tell her he didn't want to 'see' her anymore, instead of telling her about Blair and him. He could just say that he thought it wasn't working out, that they didn't have proper chemistry or something, but he felt that was too cheap. He nearly wanted to sigh, he was so unsure of everything. There was no doubt in his mind that he wanted to end things with her, that this false relationship was unfair, but he didn't want to do it, as if it were behind Blair's back. Maybe if she had been in New York he would have been able to do it, just so she could have the chance to fight back, but how would she find out, and fight, when she was in France?

He sighed out loud.

Serena put her hand out, "Oh my gosh, am I totally boring you?" she covered her mouth. "I talk too much, I know-"

"No," he tried to smile. "No, it's not you- I'm just- just really tired. Sorry."

She waved it off, "Do you want some of my coffee?"

Sharing Serena's drink with her?

"Oh-uh- no, thanks."

Maybe if it was Blair's.  
_  
Goddamnit!_ he had thought to himself, angry, once again.

And now, as he navigated his way through the subway stations, he recalled the lunch date and cringed. He hadn't been able to stop anything with Serena, or tell her the truth, and it was all because Blair was in France. So, he was back to square one.

Briefly, he wondered where he and Blair would stand when she returned. Would they speak or would she ignore him? Would they go back to purely physical contact, without talking or actually knowing one another? Would she demand he continue seeing Serena and keep dating Nate? He couldn't be sure, either way, but the questions vanished from his mind as he missed his train, and focused on getting home.

* * *

When Blair and her father arrived at the vineyard, she nearly gasped. The house was set in the middle of a rolling town that spread out across quite a few miles. As they pulled into the driveway she saw the rows and rows of neat burgundy, still in the quiet night air. The actual house, located across the driveway from the field, was an ancient little farm house, with an extension of more modern standards, but still flowing together, added on. The roof was brown, with dark plates running along the slope, all the way to the chimneys. The walls were made of smooth stone, creamy and warm in the chilly wind. Old, paned windows, lit with bright lamps from within, jutted into the house, antique and charming.

"Oh Dad," she sighed, as he turned the car off. "It's beautiful."

He smiled, "I knew you'd like it."

They got out and he grabbed her bag from the backseat, leading her to a small front stoop. Opening the door, he lead her into a small entryway, opening directly into a small, low-ceilinged living room. Off to the right was a desk, against a wall, below a picture window, with a computer and some papers on it. Straight ahead was a fireplace, with a painting, called _Ville-d'Avray_, hanging above it. A flat screen TV was mounted against the far wall, almost catty-corner to the fireplace, and a couch, a love seat, and an armchair all faced the television and the fireplace forming a right angle of furniture. Blair felt that the living room was made warm because of the original beams that crossed over the ceiling, the trinkets and homey things placed around the room, and the fact that a blanket and a sweater were laying carelessly across the couch, and a cup had been left on the table. She breathed in deeply, inhaling the smell of cooking onions, mozzarella cheese, and fresh bread.

Suddenly, a dog with long white hair, a curly tail, pointy ears, and bright blue eyes bounded up to Blair's father, trying to jump up onto him. Harold laughed and pet the dog.

"Blair, this is Meador," he said. "Roman and I adopted him a month or two ago."

The dog was cute, but something about it made Blair feel uneasy. Her dad was really settled into France, and for the first time, it hit her that he wouldn't be coming home, that he loved Roman, that he was starting a new life for himself. She swallowed, trying to smile. Patting the dog on the head, she walked into the living room.

A cheerful looking Roman entered a small room, a step up from the living room. In this room was a small couch and built-in bookshelf, looking cozy and warm.

"Blair!" he said, his accent thick, and his smile wide.

She tried to smile, feeling weary of him all of a sudden, "Hello Roman."

He approached her, giving her an awkward hug that she lightly returned, "How was your flight?" he asked, pulling away from her.

"Fine," she replied, starting to get suffocated and claustrophobic.

"That is good," he smiled, glancing at Harold. "Dinner is ready, so, we'll go to sit down in the kitchen, yes?"

They walked through the small room, and Blair found that it was really a wide hallway, and it lead into the new addition of the house, into the massive kitchen.

Blair felt as if she had walked into a different house. The living room had been so small and cozy, but the kitchen was large and chilly. It was all granite, tile and steel. There was an island counter, with a basket of fruit laid out. On the opposite side of the kitchen was a shiny, wooden table, all set for them to eat. Each place held a bowl of steaming soup, and a small plate for the fresh bread that was in a basket on the table. There were wine glasses set out, with a bottle of wine, waiting to be poured.

They sat down, Harold and Roman across from each other, and Blair on the side.

"Dig in!" Roman said gaily, laughing at his own use of the American saying.

Hesitantly, Blair began to eat the onion soup, with mozzarella cheese melted over it. It was delicious, of course, but she didn't want to admit it right now, she didn't want to admit that Roman was good in anyway, that he might be good enough for her father. No one was good enough for her father if he was going to take him away from her like this.

Roman came up from sipping his soup, saying, "Blair, I hope you like soup a l'oignan?"

She smiled wanly, "I do, thanks."

"That is good," he picked up the bottle in the middle of the table. "And you will have some wine?"

She knew she would need it with the evening she was going to deal with, "Yes, thank you."

* * *

Because Rufus would be at work later than usual, he had asked Dan to make a simple spaghetti dinner for them, instead of ordering take-out again. Dan had obliged, and as he started to break up the pasta and drop it into the boiling water, his phone rang.

He turned to the counter and picked it up.

_Blair._

His throat tightened and his heart sped up.

Flicking his tongue over his lips, he decided to answer it.

"Hello?"

"D-Dan?" Blair said.

He knotted his eyebrows, "Yes?"

"Ibe-Ibe-I'm sooooooo glad joo answered," she slurred.

Dan looked at the phone, feeling as if he was in some kind of parallel universe, "Blair, are you drunk?"

"Just some wiiiiiiiiiiiiine," she said, snorting with laughter. "But I just needed- I needed to talk to you."

He sighed, "What is it?"

"Ibe- _I'm_ not ashamed of you," she told him. "I'm really not."

"You're drunk-"

She cut him off, "Lizzen to me!"

He stayed silent, waiting, his mind reeling, angry again.

"I'm not ashamed of you- I could _never_ be ashamed of you," she managed to say, sounding as if she was almost going to cry. "I lub you. But it's so harrrrrrrd."

He shook his head, growing impatient, "What's hard?"

"It!"

She wasn't making sense, and his patience had vanished when his anger had appeared, "Blair, I'm hanging up now."

"No-"

"Talk to me when you're back in the country- When you're sober," and he hung up.

Turning back to the boiling water he let out a slow breath through his nose.

Drunk dials hardly ever end well. Dan and Blair are no exception.

* * *

Blair crashed that night, long after her father and Roman had gone to bed. She had thrown up her dinner, furious and anxious about her father and his gay lover and the little home they had created together. It was right after the meal, when they were sitting around the table, when her father called Meador his little baby, and Roman made a joke that it was their child. With a laugh and a smile she had left the table, saying she needed to use the bathroom. With the faucet on she had thrown up, and then had gone back to the table and guzzled down a few glasses of wine. Her father had looked at her oddly, as if he could see through her smiles and jokes, but, he didn't say anything to the effect, so she kept her act going.

When the two had gone to bed, Blair had taken a shower, feeling the alcohol working too well on her blood stream. She swayed in the shower and stumbled into her room, managed to dry herself off and slip into some pajamas before collapsing on the bed.

The ceiling had spun before her, and her stomach had churned, but she didn't move, didn't want to purge.

Without meaning to, her mind turned to Dan, and her drunkenness prevented her from changing the filmstrip in her head. The alcohol made her guilty, made her feel bad, made her miss him, and made her lonely. So, at that moment, her logic told her to call him, and so she had. But as she fell asleep, the phone clutched in her hand, she couldn't remember the conversation, or who Dan even was. She didn't care where she was, or what problems she was dealing with, all she knew was the delirium that took over before she fell into her drunken sleep.

Well, that _is_ one way to escape your problems.

**Author's Note:** Next chapter? Thanksgiving! It's going to shift away from Dan and Blair for a little bit in the next chapter, to focus on Blair and her dad's relationship, and her feelings about his life now. But that will only be about 25 of the chapter, the rest, of course, will be Dair! If anyone takes French in school you'll notice the dog's name, Meador, is the most cliche name for a dog in a French textbook. I know my whole French class has some inside jokes over it, I don't know if anyone else knows what I mean. Haha. Anyway! Hope you enjoyed chapter sixteen! Reviewing is always appreciated!


	17. These Bones

**Author's Note:** So, I was sitting at my kitchen table the other morning, and was surprised to be staring face-to-face with the saying, 'When it rains, it pours.' Was anyone aware that they put that on Morton salt cans? I nearly fell over with surprise. It was just so random. Anyway! The reviews! Oh, they make me so happy! Maiden-Of-Life, I'm holding you to your promise of cake and brownies! I'm thinking confetti cake with vanilla icing- Hmmmm! I'm glad you all liked chapter sixteen, and don't mind the detour to look at Blair's dad and her relationship. Thank you for reading, and reviewing, I've never gotten such a hugely wonderful response for one story before, and it's absolutely amazing! Here's chapter seventeen, enjoy!

**Chapter Seventeen**  
"Lately I just can't shake it  
I count the days in seconds and minutes  
Hours and hours are subtle  
As shards of glass in the skin  
So lay with me  
I could use the company  
You could help me ease  
These bones  
Are like maps and keys  
Where they took their hits  
And they felt those teeth  
And there's a story hidden  
Underneath  
If you dig in deep  
Will you find relief?"  
-Dashboard Confessional

The morning of Thanksgiving found Dan bitter and cynical, but it had nothing to do with Blair. Upon walking out of his bedroom, he found his father and his sister fighting. A pot of something thick and brown was bubbling over on the stove, unnoticed, and a can-shaped mound of cranberry sauce was leaning precariously in a porcelain bowl, forgotten. Rufus held a wooden spoon in his hand, and he was gesturing with it as he spoke, looking slightly ridiculous. This amusing fact went unnoticed by Jenny, who was so busy looking angry, red in the face, that she probably wouldn't have laughed at anything at that moment. So, Dan slipped onto one of the counter stools, virtually sitting between them.

"How can you even think about doing this?!" Jenny shrieked, hardly noticing Dan.

Rufus laughed incredulously, shaking his head, "It's Thanksgiving- This is what we do-"

"Mom's not here! How can we even _pretend_ to celebrate when Mom's not here!"

"Jennifer," he said, his voice hoarse. "We can't wait on your mother forever- Our lives have to move forward sometime."

She shook her head, looking even more angry, ready to jump out of her skin, "She's not dead!" she shrieked. "She's coming back!"

"I highly doubt that!" Rufus barked, uncharacteristically loose with his temper.

So, the truth was out. Their mother probably wasn't going to come home, and the marriage probably wouldn't be mended. Dan looked at the table, eyeing the grain of the wood, trying to work out that mess that he felt his life was becoming. He had the urge to call Blair, to ask if her mom was home, could they meet at her house, just so he could vent about his mom's leaving, just so he could hear her give him some snarky comment about divorce while playing with his hair- Something- Anything!- To ease this anger toward the woman who had given birth to him. But Blair couldn't be the relief that he wanted, she was in France, she was ashamed of him.

Jenny's chin trembled, and her eyes filled up.

Dan waited.

With one lingering look at Rufus, she turned and stalked to her room, slamming the door behind her.

Rufus sighed, finally putting the spoon down. He looked up, as if noticing his son for the first time, "I'm sorry Dan-"

"Why?" he asked. "It's Mom, not you."

The bitterness was leaving a bad taste in his mouth. How could she leave them? How could she abandon her children without even caring? It was one thing to leave someone you had once loved, but to leave your children, and not even try to call or visit them for weeks at a time? It made him want to clench his fists and grind his teeth. He thought his own mother would be better than that. But, he knew, things aren't always as they seem.

His father turned down the heat on the stove, making the bubbling slop cease its movement. Rufus said, "I didn't know how to go about this," he rubbed his forehead. "With your mom not here- I'm trying really hard to seem like I have it together, Dan, but I'm lost."

"Yeah, you're not doing a very good job of hiding it," he said with a smirk, hoping the sarcasm would ease his dad's confusion, as much as his own.

Rufus nodded, "What should I do?"

"You're asking me?"

His father only stared at him.

_What would you do?_ he asked himself.

_You're married to Blair, and you have two kids,_ he swallowed, feeling his stomach go involuntarily nervous. _She left you to take some time to herself in Hudson._ The scenario was playing out in his head, making his anger multiply. _It's Thanksgiving and she's ditched you all, and you don't know what to do- everyone's falling apart over a holiday and you all just want a definite answer. What do you do, Dan?  
_  
"Go to Hudson," Dan said with definition.

Rufus stared at him, "What?" was all he could say.

"Go to Hudson, talk to Mom," he instructed. "You don't have to reconcile, but you need to figure out what the hell is going on, and what's going to happen. If not for yourselves, than for Jenny and me."

For a moment, his father couldn't say anything, only stared at his son, hardly blinking. Then he looked away, his eyes roaming around the room, thought working its way behind his eyes. He walked slowly toward the stove and absently stared into the pot of dormant goo, pensive. Dan only stared at his father, waiting to see what he would do, all the while, thinking about Blair and what would happen if they were in such a situation. He decided that he wouldn't let her get away with it. Even if she had gone to France instead of Hudson, he would go there, and he would talk to her and figure it out. _Should I go there now?_ Dan wondered. _Talk to her and figure it out now? No,_ he shook his head, _It's France- You don't have the money for that, you and Blair aren't married, and besides, she's ashamed of you, don't give her the satisfaction._

Suddenly, Rufus turned around, "You're right," he said, nodding. "I'll go to Hudson and figure this all out," he immediately started for the door, but stopped midway. "But it's Thanksgiving- I can't leave you guys-"

"Dad, I don't think Jenny wants to celebrate anyway," he shrugged slightly. "She and I will do something fun- Don't worry."

Rufus hesitated, "Are you sure?"

Dan stared at his father, "Would you like me to buy your train ticket for you?"

"I'll take the hint," he said, grabbing his jacket and wallet from an armchair. "And thanks, son," he said, before leaving the loft all together.

When the door closed Dan sat in silence, the bitterness in him fading slightly. Would Blair leave if they had children together? Could they ever work out that way together? enough to get that far? He shook his head, asking himself why he was asking such heinous questions. Lifting himself off of the stool, he walked over to the bowl of cranberry sauce, picked it up, and slid the wobbly cylinder into the garbage.

He muttered to himself, "Hope you're enjoying France."

* * *

Blair woke up before her father or Roman the following morning. A dull headache was pounding in her brain, and her mouth was dry and cottony. Uneasily, she lifted herself up, sitting against the pillows, grimacing. She pulled her cell phone from where it was sticking into her thigh against the mattress, and she flipped it open. Because she didn't have any new messages, she absently flipped through her call log. With a lurch of confusion and anxiety, she noticed she had sent an outgoing call to Dan, at around dinner time in New York. Wincing, she noticed that the call had lasted longer than two minutes, which meant she and Dan had spoken.

"What the fuck did I say?" she hissed in the early morning light of her room.

Her stomach tossed worriedly, remembering her fight with Dan, wondering if she was glad things could end so easily. She wondered if she could just ignore him when she returned and everything would go back to normal, as if they had never been together. _I couldn't_, she told herself, and then shook her head violently. _You're in France to get away from all this shit- Stop thinking about it!_

With determination, yet distraction, in her actions, Blair pulled back the covers of her bed and pulled on a sweatshirt from her suitcase. Wearing only socks, shorts, and a baggy sweatshirt, she left the room and crept down the hallway, careful not to wake up her her father, or especially Roman. She descended the stairs and made her way into the enormous kitchen. Fumbling around in the dark, she managed to find a light switch, and the kitchen fell into bright, awkward light. Feeling anxious and annoyed, she stumbled around the kitchen, looking for a bottle of water. She finally found one in a new case in the adjoining back hall. It angered her that she didn't know anything, or where anything was, in her father's new home. It made her even more anxious about her father's relationship, to know that she was so detached from it.

She took a sip from the bottle, until her mouth wasn't so thick and dry anymore, and then she left it on the counter, leaving the kitchen all together.

Wanting to learn a little more about her father's French life, she wandered into the living room, and then to the desk against the far wall. Meador had been sleeping under the desk, but he was now lying awake, staring at her. Silently, Blair walked up to the desk and peered at the papers that were littered across the top. She knew that there was no way the desk belonged to her father, it had to be Roman's- it was too messy.

She was about to stop looking and go back to her room, when a phrase caught her eye.

_Legal Adoption_

Feeling suddenly cold all over, with her heart pumping angrily, Blair stepped back toward the desk, and snatched the papers into her hand.

Upon closer inspection, Blair found that the papers were really a packet of legal documents and contracts, all pertaining to the adoption from a Hungarian orphanage in Budapest. The nausea felt too close to contain, but she thought of Dan, of how he would think she was just being selfish and unfair, that the papers didn't actually mean anything, so she swallowed hard and dropped the packet. Next, she picked up a different paper, looking for something to distract her. But this paper was about a boy named Franz, from an orphanage in Germany. She dropped this as well, almost like she had been burned, and stomped across the room, slumping onto the couch.

_It could just be Dad's- He's a lawyer,_ she told herself.  
**  
_It was on Roman's desk.  
_**_  
It doesn't necessarily mean anything._

_**It might.**  
_  
She began to chew at her nails, wishing that she had someone to talk to, someone to distract her or make her feel a little better about the situation. As if sensing her unease, Meador shuffled over and put his head in her lap. At first, all she did was look at the dog, cringing at the feel of it's fur on her bare legs. Then she actually placed her hand on his head, and scratched his ears a little. He was trying to be nice- to help her- she wasn't going to deny that when she appreciated the gesture- although she would never openly admit it.

Apparently running away doesn't solve your problems, it only creates new ones.

* * *

Brook, Lyne, and Sinker, a classically corny diner that was two blocks from the Humphrey's loft, was smattered with different characters on the national holiday. Two of those characters happened to be Dan and Jenny. Neither teen was really in the mood to celebrate Thanksgiving, or even eat out at a diner with the other person, but they were doing it, because it was a holiday, and because it was too depressing to stay home and sulk. Dan stared at the soup and sandwich in front of him, hardly wanting to eat. He kind of wanted to throw the bowl of hot liquid at the wall. Jenny was picking at the limp lettuce in her salad, looking miserable and restless.

Feeling as if it was his duty as big brother to make things somewhat okay, Dan said, "Jen, I'm sorry things are so shitty today-"

"Save it, Dan," she cut him off quickly. "I know it sucks, but whatever- Don't apologize."

He sat back against the booth, putting his hands up, "Okay."

She looked at him, "Aren't you pissed?"

"No, I actually prefer to spend Thanksgiving in a diner-"

"I mean about Mom," she said, cutting off his sarcasm.

He saw the deep curiosity within her eyes, the longing for someone to know what she felt, to feel the same emotions, to have someone to confide in. With his shoulders slumping forward, Dan sighed.

When he looked up, he said, "I'm mad at her- Of course I am."

"So, how can you go on like nothing's happened?" she demanded, as if none of it made any sense to her.

He shrugged, "I try not to think about it," he bit into his lower lip. "But it's not so much the fact that Mom left us that pisses me off- It's the not knowing what the result will be."

She looked at him.

"Is she coming home, or isn't she?" he shook his head as he said it. "She's keeping us suspended here, between this limbo of doting mother and divorce and that's what gets me."

Jenny's chin quivered slightly, "Do you think they're going to get a divorce?"

"I don't know," he said softly, his voice rough and weathered. "If it means that Mom will finally be honest with us and stop fucking around- Than I hope they do."

"How can you say that?" she whispered, her eyes filling with tears. "Our family would break apart!"

He paused, shaking his head, "Jenny, if our parents aren't meant to work out than they're not meant to work out- We've been fine with just Dad all these months."

"You've been fine!" she hissed. "Dan, I need a mom!"

"Jenny," he tried to explain. "She's not going to be out of our lives- You'll still have Mom- Things will just be different if they decided to break up."

She looked miserable, sitting there, ignoring her salad, and she said, "I hope things work out."

"Yeah," he said, hardly referring to his parents anymore. "Me too."

* * *

Blair and Harold were kicked out of the kitchen after they had finished making their pumpkin pie. Roman wanted to work on the things they had kept ruining, without them under his feet the whole time. So, deciding that they could spend some quality time alone, Harold insisted that they go for a walk, and he'd show Blair around the property. She was not looking forward to it in particular. After sitting in the living room with Meador for some time that morning, Harold had come downstairs, ushering her into the kitchen for breakfast. He had made her an omelet, with onions and cheese, peppers and bacon, talking to her, on and on, about what he planned to do with the gardens and the vineyard once summer came around. She hardly listened to him, giving him one word answers as she tried to eat her food slowly. Again and again, he asked her if she was okay, and repeatedly, she told him she was fine. Then, after finishing four pieces of toast and the omelet, the thought of adoption made her so anxious that she felt her stomach toss, and the food rise. Telling her father she had to pee, she raced from the kitchen and made it into the bathroom adjacent to her bedroom, finding herself hunched over the toilet, heaving desperately.

Now, as they walked behind the house, around trees that grew, bent and stark, along the frozen dirt of the November ground, Blair tried to keep from running away. She had always been close with her father, loved him with all her heart, but it was hard for her to even walk beside him, when she was so close to this new life of his. She couldn't deal with the fact that he had this new house, had this new lover, she couldn't bear the thought of him adopting a child, a child that he would raise with a man. How could she deal with sharing her father, especially when he was across the Atlantic?

When the house was a fair distance away, and they had been walking in a ten minute silence, Harold spoke, "You're awfully quiet."

"Yeah," was all she said, by way of a reply.

"Blair," he put his arm around her shoulder. "What's wrong?"

She wriggled out of his grasp, feeling restless, "Nothing."

He slowed his pace, looking at her.

"What?" she snapped, annoyed.

Harold shook his head, "Don't tell me nothing's wrong, Bear," he stopped walking all together. "What is it?"

"I'm fine- God!" she tried to stomp forward, but he didn't follow her. She whirled around, staring at him expectantly.

"Blair," he began, walking up to her, stroking her hair slightly. "You woke up early, you ate a lot at breakfast, and then you disappeared into the bathroom for nearly twenty minutes-"

She cut him off, "So?!"

"Don't tell me you weren't making yourself-"

She whipped away from him, taking a step back, "Jesus! You and Mom are never going to trust me around food or a bathroom ever again, will you?"

"I have a right to be worried, Bear-"

"Don't you _'bear'_ me!" she said, her voice cracking under the weight of tears and anxiety.

He looked at her strangely, as if he couldn't figure out where any of her anger or hostility was coming from. This only made her even more angry, as if he should know, as if he should be able to guess. Blair was fuming, and her father could tell, just from the way her lips were pursed, her eyes unwavering and wide, and her nostrils flaring with angry breath. The air between them was charged with tension, vibrating with silence. She wanted to lash out at him, and she was sure she would, but for now, all she did was stare at him, waiting. The cold air around them was visible by the steam that filtered before them every time they breathed. And as they stood there, under a tree with a crooked trunk, Blair realized how much she wanted some peace of mind.

Her father's voice sounded so hurt, so broken when he spoke, that her emotional barrier cracked, "Where is this coming from? What's gotten you so angry?"

She didn't lash out at him, only stared.

"There's no room for me in your life anymore," she said quietly, her voice shaking. "You're trying to cut me out-"

"Blair," he took a step forward, but she took one back. "That's not true."

She shook her head, "I feel- I feel as if your whole life with Mom was something you hated- Like you never wanted to be in New York, never wanted her, never wanted to work where you did, never wanted me..." she trailed off.

He didn't say anything, only looked at her, regret and heavy sadness clear on his face.

"It's like you've transplanted yourself into a new life- Like you want to get rid of everything for good."

With a genuinely worried voice, Harold said, "Blair, I don't regret my life in New York," he reached out to her, but pulled away when he saw her flinch. "I'll admit, I wasn't living the life I wanted, but I was happy with you and your mother."

"Not happy enough to stay," she mumbled.

He sighed, "I found a man I loved, and I felt that I couldn't deny myself what I knew anymore," he tried to smile. "If I could have Roman and you and your mother all live under one roof, happily, than my life would be complete."

She stared at him, realizing just how ludicrous the very idea sounded.

He chuckled, as if reading her mind, "That's not possible- I know-"

"But you left us," she shook her head. "How could you want to be with _all_ of us?"

With bravery in his movements, he took her shoulder in his hand, "I love your mother- Not in the way a husband should love a wife, but I love her," he shrugged. "She's my best friend, and it kills me that I hurt her- That I hurt you- but I was killing _myself_ living that life. I thought it was only fair if you knew the truth."

Blair didn't respond, only looked at him, trying to make sense of everything, trying to figure it all out.

"I'm not trying to replace everything, I'm just trying to start over for myself," he told her, moving his hand to stroke her cheek fondly. "I still want you and your mother in my life-That will never change- I could never replace either of you."

The fear and anger bubbled up inside of her.

Faintly, almost in a whisper, she said, "But I saw the adoption papers on the desk in the living room."

His shoulders fell, and he sighed.

"You're going to adopt- With Roman?" her voice warbled as she asked the question. "Replace me with some foreign kid-"

"Blair, don't jump to conclusions-"

She cut him off, finally lashing out, "You move out here to France! You and your _lover_ buy yourselves a fucking _vineyard_! And now you're adopting some kid from Russia or whatever?!" she shook her head, stepping away. "Don't tell me you're not trying to change and replace everything you had! Don't tell me I'm jumping to conclusions!"

"Blair," he said sternly, giving her a serious look. "Listen to me."

Without looking at him, she stayed silent.

He continued, "Roman was looking into those adoptions- I don't want to adopt a child with him yet, I'm not ready," he told her. "Roman is eager to adopt because he doesn't have any children of his own, but I have you, and I'm happy."

She swallowed.

"Maybe one day Roman and I will adopt," he shrugged. "But if we do, it will because I want a child with him, not because I'm trying to replace you."

A cold wind blew between them, and Blair shivered.

Harold pulled her into a tight embrace, "I could never replace you," he whispered. Then, teasingly, he said, "Even if I wanted to replace you, you'd be too stubborn."

She laughed a little against his chest.

After a long pause, he said, "I don't know if your mother is ready to get along with Roman and I yet, so we can all be friends again, but, I'm hoping you will be able to pass this weekend without feeling strangely about it," he slowly rubbed her back. "Roman is a good man, and he is so eager for you to like him."

Blair laughed a little, finding the beautiful Frenchmen, like a dog or a small child, trying to win her approval. She hadn't noticed it before, but he had been quite attentive to her every need, had tried to joke with her and take her side when having conversations with her father. He had even tried to coax her into learning some lines from _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ in French, even though she basically knew them already. He wasn't trying to steal her father away at all. Sure, Roman was in love with Harold, but he knew Blair was his daughter, and he wanted her to like him, to approve of him. Roman just wanted them to get along, like her father did.

"I'll give him a chance," she said lightly, jokingly.

He grinned, kissing her on the head, "Thank you, Bear," he squeezed her tight. "I love you."

"I love you too," she whispered.

And they stood their, enjoying a hug that had been long overdue, finishing a conversation that needed to be had. And now that the air was lighter, Blair was sure she'd be able to relax and enjoy her stay in France, without worry or anxiety at her throat anymore.

* * *

Dan was sitting in his room, in silence, staring at an unfinished, scratched out poem of nonsensical words, when he heard a knock at the door.

He turned and called, "Yeah?"

Rufus walked into the room slowly, closing the door behind him. Slowly, he walked over to Dan and sat down on his bed, his movements slow and measured. It almost seemed as if he was too tired, too emotionally drained to walk at a normal pace, so he had to do it all slowly. When he was seated, he sighed, rubbing his chin a little, and he looked at Dan.

"I spoke with your mom," he said.

Dan waited.

His father continued, "We thought about working it all out- But, we've changed, things have changed," he explained. "I think we'll be getting a divorce," he said, looking away from his son for a moment.

"Oh," Dan replied. "Have you told Jenny?"

Rufus looked surprised that Dan was so nonchalant about it all, but he said, "N-No, not yet- I think I'll take you both out to dinner tomorrow and-"

"Dad," he cut him off. "You'd be better off just telling her now- She deserves to know."

With finality, but a slowness, in his actions, Rufus nodded, and then finally stood up and left the room. When he was gone, Dan closed his notebook and hunched over to his bed. He nearly collapsed, face-first, into his pillows and rumpled sheets. The world felt like it was spinning around him. Sure, he had been expecting his parents to break up, but now that it was officially announced he couldn't help but feel a little affected by it. And how would this change things for the family? Would he have to live between his two parents? Would he have to change schools? Would he have to live with his mom in Hudson? He couldn't leave the city, his school, his friends- Blair.

When her name entered his mind, he froze, punching the pillow below him, wishing everything was simpler.

**Author's Note:** Sorry it's been a while between updates, just finished school and there was drama with finishing a final and not going in one day- Whatever. Hope you liked the chapter! I'll try to have the next one up sooner! Reviews are always adored.


	18. How Much it Hurts

**Author's Note:** Honestly, these reviews are going to make me start crying! As you should all know by now, I'm a big fan of the rant, so, please, rant away! **red.angel.15.**, your review was wonderful. I'm glad I can do justice to something that so many people have to deal with, thank you so much for your encouragement! Also, when I read that you screamed and jumped for joy at the updating of this story, I nearly jumped and screamed myself! Thank you all for these wonderful reviews, they really do mean a lot to me. There has to be some thinking and figuring out in this chapter before we can have a proper Dan/Blair reunion, but don't worry, it will happen. Whether the reunion will be a happy one or not? Well, I'm not giving anything away! And sorry that this update took a little while. I was on a vacation for a few days, have been trying to NOT neglect my other stories, and also, my summer history course is dragging me under. I'll try to keep the updates coming quicker. **Now that I've finished my rant, here is chapter eighteen, you'll read it, you will most certainly hate me, hope you love to hate it though!**

**Chapter Eighteen**  
"And wait, wait your turn  
Then shut me out  
'cause you've got nothing left to learn  
I'm wrong  
I'm wrong again  
But not because of where I stand  
But where I've been  
And it burns  
You know it burns like hell  
To know there's nothing I can do  
But with you well  
You say there's nothing wrong  
With being proud  
So tell me what you love  
And say it loud  
I've been giving you  
The benefit of the doubt."  
-Just Off Turner

As was becoming Dan's M.O., he couldn't sleep.

Too many thoughts were bouncing around in his head. Like a film strip breaking, spinning out of control; ideas, feelings, flashes of life, they all appeared and disappeared from his brain, before he could even get a hold of what he was thinking at all. The commotion within his mind was too chaotic, the mess that was his life was too much for him to be able to fall asleep. When he closed his eyes, trying to relax himself, the unfiltered mechanics of his thought-process allowed the image of Blair, just her, to stare back at him. He got angry, and, sometimes the image morphed into Blair in France, flirting, having fun, prancing around the Lyon villages, shopping, laughing. _And I'm suffering over here, because she's ashamed of me or something, I have to be her little secret, and she gets to have a vacation,_ he thought to himself. And when he wasn't thinking about Blair, and their relationship, if it could be called such a thing, he was thinking about his mother, up in Hudson, painting, hiding, cheating, ignoring her duties as mother. The two scenarios were so similar, and so different, but he couldn't get them out of his head. And he knew he was furious at both women, but there was nothing he could do, except stay awake and think about it all, fuming.

Finally, when he couldn't deal with thinking so deeply anymore, he got out of his bed, and went to sit on the fire escape outside of his window. He didn't care that it was freezing outside, didn't care that it was nearly one o'clock in the morning- nothing mattered. It was all the better if it was so cold- he focused on the insanely low temperature, and the frozen metal underneath him, instead of on Blair. It only took a moment or two for his plan to fall apart though. Blair entered his mind, much like the real Blair, hardly caring about his intentions of distraction. He groaned, covering his face with his hands.  
_  
"What should I do?" Rufus had asked earlier that day._

_Dan had, in turn, said, "You're asking me?"_

And he had put himself in the situation his father was in, with Blair as his wife. He would have gone to Hudson, or Paris, or where ever Blair would go, were she to abandon their hypothetical family. Maybe she wasn't in such a position right now, but she had ditched him, she had left him wondering. And even though the time they had last spoken, it had been a fight, Dan was still feeling as if she was avoiding him, avoiding their relationship and his suggestion that she was ashamed of him. _I would go to France if I could,_ Dan nodded to himself, sure of what he was thinking. _I would, if I could.  
_  
A faint sound began to filter from his bedroom, and he realized his phone was ringing. Figuring it was another drunk-dial from Blair, or else something relatively important, he ducked inside and dug around for his phone on his desk. When he saw the tiny screen, lit up, revealing, not Blair's number, but something else entirely, he answered, stomach clenching almost nervously, eyebrows knit.

* * *

Blair quickly discovered that Roman wasn't as bad as she had originally decided. When she actually opened herself up to him, she found he had a kind, but witty humor, that made her laugh and joke along with him. His take on an American Thanksgiving dinner was generally better than the catered food she usually ate at home, and when she paired this with the company of her father and his boyfriend, she couldn't help but realize how wonderful it all was. Never, in a million years, would she have believed this to be her ideal Thanksgiving: she wasn't even in the United States, the food had a hint of France, she was with her father and his lover, and the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade was nowhere in sight or sound; but it was all still so great to her. It _wasn't_ ideal, but it was what she needed.

After dinner had been finished, and then dessert, Harold and Roman began to act strangely. They smirked and shared glances, suggesting that they knew something she didn't. It started during the serving of the pumpkin pie, and lasted all the way to the sipping of the last coffee dregs, when Harold began to check his phone continuously. Finally, when Blair couldn't take it anymore, she lightly smacked the table, getting their attention.

She wondered, "What is this? What's the secret I'm obviously missing out on?"

With one last glance toward Roman, and a smirk on his lips, Harold said, "It's time for your surprise."

"Surprise?" Blair knotted her eyebrows delicately.

Harold and Roman nodded, "I told you we had a surprise for you, when we were at the airport."

Her father picking her up at the airport seemed like years ago, but she did remember it.

"Come," Roman said, standing. "We will show you," and he left the kitchen.

Blair followed the two men into the living room, where they instructed her to sit in an arm chair. She did so. They didn't sit down though, they stood over her, smiling expectantly, waiting impatiently. Blair stared back, wondering when the surprise would be revealed, hoping it hadn't already. Harold's phone pinged, and he opened it, smiled, and said, "I'll be right back." He walked to the front door, and outside.

When she looked at Roman, he was smiling wildly, "You will love it."

A slight trembling began to shake Blair's body with anticipation. She was excited now. What could this surprise be? She envisioned Chanel, or Cartier. New handbags, smelling of the designer boutiques they had just arrived from. Sparkling diamonds, or maybe a new ruby ring, one that was even more beautiful, bigger. It all seemed so wonderful- the whole day- it was turning out so great, far better than anything she had been expecting.

The front door opened again and Harold peeked his head in, "Roman, cover her eyes!" he said excitedly.

Nearly giggling, Roman did so. All Blair saw was darkness, she couldn't peek (as she would have) even if she tried to open her eyes. She smelled Roman's cologne, felt his soft hands against her lids. His breathing was strangled behind her, marred by the giggling he was trying to keep at bay. _Jesus Christ,_ Blair thought sarcastically, excitedly, _what the hell could have them this excited?_

And then, after she heard the shuffling of feet, slight, discernible whispering, and some more held-back laughter, Roman pulled his hands away. Blair's eyelids stuck together for a moment, but she finally managed to open them, and they fluttered until she could see properly. At first, all she could take in was her father standing beside another figure, and she knew it wasn't Roman, because Roman was now giggling girlishly, loudly, and almost with a French tint to it, behind her. And then when her eyes focused, and she realized who was standing before her, she froze. She had to be hallucinating, she wanted to be. After all the trouble of leaving New York, to get away from everyone... Roman and Harold hadn't really gone and done this, gone through all the trouble of getting- But here? They had brought- She wanted to scream. Instead, she tried to smile.

Well, surprise?

* * *

"Dan?"

He didn't respond right away- He was almost too shocked to.

The voice filled his head again, "Dan, are you there?"

Clearing his throat, he said, "Y-Yeah, I'm here."

It wasn't all that unusual for his mother to call him, but he just found it disconcerting when she called, just when he had thought about how pissed he was at her and Blair.

"Dan," it sounded like she was crying. "I'm sorry I'm calling so late- Did I wake you?"

Harsh and angry, Dan said, "No."

"O-Oh, well, that's good," she replied. "I just- I needed to talk to you."

He waited.

Over the phone, he heard her take a deep breath, "It's about the current situation-"

"Oh, you mean with you off having a great time, screwing around in Hudson, while we all wonder over here?" he asked, surprisingly bitter and sarcastic,

"Daniel," his mother said warningly. "I know you're angry, but that doesn't give you license to be an ass hole."

There's nothing like calling your child a profane term to show your love for him.

He shut up, waiting.

"Look," she began. "I called, because I've been thinking about some of the things your father told me today... I'm sorry I put you all through this- It was selfish and irresponsible of me-"

Dan cut her off, having no patience for her sob-story, when he, himself, couldn't think straight, "Yeah, it was."

"But, Dan," she cut across him, pretending she hadn't heard. "Please, remember: before I'm a mother or a wife, I'm my own person," a slight sob cut through her words. "I love you and your sister more than anything in the world, but things changed between your father and I and I didn't want to admit it to myself- I tried to run away from my problems..."

Dan waited, holding his breath. He hated to hear his mother cry, the sight or sound of it always broke down a defense within him, as if he wanted to protect and defend her. Even though he was furious at her for her abandonment, he couldn't help but feel bad. She was obviously hurt by what she had done, and although he thought she deserved it on some level, he also wanted her to understand that he would forgive her if she was really sorry. And she said she was her own person... Well, wasn't that true- Of all parents, husbands, wives, children? How could someone be constantly and irrevocably selfless, after being an independent person for their whole life? He was sure if he had kids he would be selfless when it came to them- when it came to his wife or the love of his life. But, what if he slipped up once? What if he thought about himself just once, and he did feel bad, but he was his own person? Wouldn't it be possible to forgive that? Couldn't he try to understand that?

His mother spoke again, sniffing through a tear-clotted nose, "I was selfish, but I want you to know that I love you and your sister- you need to know that."

"I know that, Mom," he whispered in return, feeling heavy with guilt all of a sudden.

She gave a watery laugh, "I've been thinking about this all day- Your father and I aren't going to be together much longer, and it won't be a messy, horrible divorce," she told him. "It will be clean and quick and everything will be fine..." she trailed off. "I'm staying in Hudson though, and I'll understand if you and your sister want to stay in the city with your father- but you two are welcome any time you want- if you even wanted to leave the city-"

"Mom," he stopped her. "I want to stay here, but I'll visit you- we'll visit you a lot."

"Thank you," she said, and he could hear the smile in her voice.

The phone went silent for a moment. Dan didn't say anything, because it seemed that his mother wasn't finished with what she had to say.

After a quiet minute or two, she said, "I'm sorry I called so late but, I had to tell you all of this, Dan," she sniffed again. "I'm so sorry."

"Mom, I forgive you- at the very least, I'm beginning to understand."

"You're turning out a lot better than I could have ever hoped," she laughed.

Dan laughed a little with her, "Thanks Mom."

"God, I'm a blubbering idiot- calling you to explain myself-"

"Mom, please don't beat yourself up over calling me," he told her. "I'm really glad you did."

She sighed, "Thank you."

"Thanks for calling to tell me all of this, Mom," he replied, feeling a lot less resentful towards her.

In return, she said, "We'll have a long talk with Jenny too- Just the three of us," she said, sounding lighter, relieved. "Just come and visit anytime you want to."

"We will, Mom."

"All right- I'm hanging up now," she said, sniffing once more. "I'm keeping you awake."

He laughed a little, "Good night."

Before she hung up, she said, "I love you Dan."

"I love you too, Mom," he said, smiling slightly to himself.

And they hung up.

Maybe now he'll be able to get some sleep.

Or not?

* * *

"Nate?" Blair managed to croak, hoping the disappointment and horror wasn't visible on her face.

Nate was smiling though, his green, sparkling eyes crinkled at the corners. He was dressed in jeans and a familiar moss-colored sweater, with a jacket over it all. At his feet was a suitcase. Blair swallowed. Was he staying the whole time she'd be at her father's? She felt like screaming.

Taking a step forward as she stood up, Nate asked, "Are you surprised?"

"You can't imagine," she replied, smiling stiffly.

Harold moved toward them, smiling proudly, "Nate's staying with his mother and grandmother on the Cote d'Azur for the weekend, and I suggested to Mrs. Archibald that he visit with us overnight."

Blair wished they hadn't surprised her with this. If she had been warned ahead of time she could have made up some excuse as to why she didn't want Nate to visit. She could have said they had gotten into a fight, or that he was too busy with extra school work, or that he was going to Nantucket for the long weekend. Hell, she would have even told him the truth if she knew _this_ was coming. But no. The whole cluster of Upper East Side parentals had to email and chat and keep each other connected. So, now she was stuck with one of the people she had been aiming to avoid over her stay in France.

She would have even preferred to be stuck with Dan.

"Are you not excited, Blair?" Roman asked cheerfully, thinking that she was too shocked to vocalize her happiness.

Snapping into a mask of faux excitement, she smiled, "Of course I am!" With stilted actions, she reached forward and squeezed Nate's upper arm, saying, "Who knew I'd be able to see my boyfriend while I was visiting you in France!"

It took all of her strength to not clench her teeth while she said 'boyfriend.'

Nate's smile widened, "I'll only be here until tomorrow afternoon, but I thought you'd like to see me."

_How fucking clueless are you?_ Blair silently wondered.

"Yeah," she said, hoping she sounded enthusiastic enough. "This is great!"

After a beat of awkward silence, Harold stepped forward, "Nate, you can take your coat off and get settled- I'm sure you two want to hang out- Roman and I will just take your suitcase up to the guest room and you guys can watch TV, or whatever you'd like," he said amiably. "We'll just be in the kitchen," he said, with a hint of a warning, as if they planned on having sex on the couch.

Ha. Not likely, Papa Waldorf.

Harold took Nate's suitcase, and both, he and Roman, left the room.

Nate shrugged off his coat, and Blair automatically took it from him, placing it in the closet. She wasn't thinking about what she was doing, only trying to put some space between herself and her estranged boyfriend. Her brain was moving too fast for her to handle, and she blinked furiously, trying to will the confusion away. How did this happen? she wondered. Why, when she had been so in control of every aspect of her life, had this happened? The more she tried to gain government over herself, the more she lost at it. And Blair was so deep in thought about her loss of control, that she didn't notice Nate had walked up behind her until she turned around. She gasped slightly, and he smiled, revealing perfectly expensive, white teeth. Placing his arms around her waist, he pulled her tight. The action made her nervous, and she didn't like it. In turn, this made her mind race. She had loved Nate. Loved him. She had been crushed when she had found out about Serena and him- had wanted to lose her virginity to him- had wanted to spend the rest of her life with him because he was so perfect, so ideal. Were the circumstances different- if he hadn't flirted with Serena, if she hadn't plotted to use Dan to get back at them- she would have loved for him to visit her in France. It would have been the perfect twist to the movie that was her life. The scenes that made the audience 'aw!' But everything was different now. Her love was dwindling precariously, and now she couldn't stand to touch him, or to have him touch her.

"I missed you," Nate whispered, his breath hot and thick against her face.

She laughed nervously, trying slightly to wriggle out of his grasp, "I've only been gone a day-"

"Yeah," he said, kissing her cheek lightly. "But I feel like we haven't spent any time together in forever."

_You didn't seem to mind when you were fucking flirting with my best friend_, she wanted to scream, but she just bit her tongue.

Nodding, she swallowed, stiffening a little as he brushed his lips against the skin of her neck. Normally, such an act would have her shivering with pleasure- but this was Nate.

Oh, right.

He trailed kisses up her neck and over her jaw, until he reached her lips. The kiss was awkward and strange, as Nate was moving his lips against hers with a fury that was hot and anxious, while she was hardly responding to his touch. She wanted to get out, and all she could think about was how to get away from his embrace- any kind of contact with him- while his tongue began to prod and dart at her mouth, trying to pry her lips apart. Holding back a squeal of disgust and anxiety, she restrained herself, pushing him away gently. He pulled away, looking at her, his eyebrows knotted, his eyes hurt. She tried to smile flirtatiously, detaching his arms from around her, leading him to the couches.

"My dad and Roman are in the other room," she said, hoping she sounded like it was an inconvenience. "Let's just talk for a little."

She sat a good two feet away from him, stiff and rigid, trying to seem comfortable and easy, in a situation that made her angry and restless.

Nate stared at her admiringly, asking, "So, what have you been doing lately? We haven't talked in a while."

_Well, I've been plotting to break your heart, trying to screw over my best friend, regrettably falling for a boy from Brooklyn, and losing my virginity to said Brooklyn boy. And yourself?_

"School, shopping," she waved it away. "You know."

He nodded, "Have you gotten your dress for the winter formal yet?"

She froze.

"No," she said, her throat thick all of a sudden. "That's not until next month."

He smirked, "November's almost over, Blair- The formal's always in the beginning of December anyway. It's only in a week."

Fuck.

"Oh," she managed to say.

"Besides," he nudged her leg. "You always shop earlier than it's necessary."

She forced a laugh, feeling cold and sick all over. Her limbs had gone weak, and her body began to tremble slightly. The formal was in two weeks? She hadn't even realized. And what was she going to do about Dan and Serena and Nate? Should she just go through with it and tell everyone the truth about her feelings for Dan? She'd be getting back at Nate and Serena, but she'd also be showing Dan that she wasn't ashamed of him.

Or should she tell Dan the truth? that she had been using him, but that she felt differently now, and that she was sorry? She winced at the very idea of him knowing the truth. She couldn't. And she _didn't_ feel differently. She didn't love him. She didn't want to.

But, why?

Nate was talking to her, waiting for her to respond, but she hadn't heard him, hadn't been paying attention.

She blinked, "Sorry?"

"I wanted to know if you wanted to get a limo with Chuck and Serena and Dan for the formal," he asked.

Her heart sped up dangerously, "Dan? Why would we share a limo with Dan?"

"Because he's probably going to be Serena's date," he said slowly, looking at her strangely. "Are you feeling all right?"

She swallowed, "I'm just- I'm tired."

"Do you want to go to bed early?" he asked.

Anything to get away from him. She nodded.

His face fell, but he stood up, "I'll walk you upstairs."

"I'm sorry- If I had known you were coming I would have taken a nap or something," she tried to smile through her lie. "We'll hang out all morning," the suggestion was bitter in her mouth, but she knew it had to be true, or else he'd wonder why she was so distant.

He nodded, seeming to be appeased, "Sounds perfect."

Yeah, maybe for you.

* * *

The morning after Thanksgiving, Dan stumbled into Jenny's room, hoping to see if she was feeling all right about the divorce announcement. Finding her iPod, work out clothes, and sneakers gone, he realized he had missed her for her morning jog. About to turn and leave, his gaze caught the sight of her open laptop. As was to be expected, GossipGirl's web site was open. He was about to roll his eyes and leave the room- only, a bold headline caught his eye.

**_N_** _Buys a Ticket to Lyon_

With trepidation in his steps, he walked over to the computer. Scanning the page with furious eyes, he gathered that on his way to vacation on the coast with his mother and grandmother, Nate was staying with Blair and her father at the vineyard. GossipGirl made some forced-witty comments about how Nate couldn't bear to be away from Blair over the weekend, how they were inseparable, how GossipGirl was beginning to wonder if the golden couple had been falling apart, but was relieved to see they were going strong, and how they would walk through the rows of burgundy, holding hands, looking gorgeous and perfect. It was all enough to make Dan sick. Not only was Blair in France, vacationing, while he went crazy over their situation, she was also stringing Nate along so she could have some kind of romantic redness. The very suggestion made his blood boil. He clenched his jaw, gripped his hands into fists, and left the room, entered his own, and slammed his bedroom door behind him.

New headline for GossipGirl: Lonely Boy Has Hissy Fit.

* * *

Sometime after Roman and Harold had retired for the night, when Blair was laying in her bedroom, trying to sleep, trying to keep herself from thinking too deeply, she heard a soft knock at her door. For a moment, she contemplated pretending to be asleep. But then, the hope of her father wanting to have a heart-to-heart, one in which she could spill her guts out to him, and have him tell her what to do about Dan and Nate and everyone, made her sit up. Quietly, she told whoever it was to come in.

Her heart deflated when Nate timidly walked into the room.

"I couldn't sleep," he whispered. "Did I wake you up?"

Giving in, she shook her head.

Smiling softly, he asked, "Can I come in?"

She wanted to say no, but she knew that if she was the girlfriend she was pretending to be, she wouldn't mind if he came in, so she said, "Sure."

He shuffled over to her bed, dressed in flannel pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, his hair rumpled and endearing. Seeing him look so adorable, wanting to come into her bedroom- it all made her fully realize why she had loved him, why she had fallen so hard for him in the first place. It didn't change anything though. She didn't feel that pull at the bottom of her stomach when he smiled. Her heart didn't speed up whenever he got near, not in a good way anyway. She noted all of his annoying habits and tendencies that she had found endearing, the ones that now pissed her off. She would have done anything- would have given up anything- to have him love her unconditionally, but now- now she didn't seem to care either way. It was all different now.

When he pulled back the covers and slid into bed behind her, putting his arms around her, she cringed and stiffened, but he didn't seem to notice. Blair almost wondered why he was getting into her bed, why he thought that was okay. _He's your boyfriend,_ she reminded herself, _a few months ago this would have been expected of him._ So, she tried to relax and stay normal.

"How come you're still up?" he whispered into her ear. "I thought you were tired."

She lied, "I was- I just- I've been thinking about what to wear for the formal."

He chuckled, "That's why I love you," he said. "Always wrapped up in your world."

"Hmm," was all she said, staring at the dresser across the room, distracted by all of the confusion swirling within her.

They fell into silence for several long minutes. Blair didn't want to make any attempt at conversation, hoping that if Nate thought she had fallen asleep, he would leave. Forcing her breathing to even out and for her whole body to loosen within his arms, she pretended to be drifting off. It was hard though, to completely relax and calm herself down when she felt so sure that her life was spinning out of control. The agitation seemed to buzz under her skin, and she wished she had a Valium to calm herself down.

After a few more minutes, Nate whispered, "Blair?"

"Hm?" she responded, completely forgetting about her charade of being asleep.

"Look at me," he insisted gently.

Feeling that she had no choice, she turned in his arms and faced him.

Nate smiled softly, saying, "There was a reason I came here to visit you."

"What was that?" Blair whispered, almost inaudibly.

He lifted his hand, playing with a lock of her hair. When he didn't say anything, Blair's restlessness intensified. She had no time for games of suspense or romance with Nate. All she wanted was for him to get to the point, and that was it. Did he come here to break up with her? to tell her he loved Serena? To tell her he was going to rehab for his love of pot? to tell her that he knew about her and Dan? She suddenly wanted to kick or hit him.

She swallowed, prompting him, "Nate?"

He met her eyes again, their faces only a few inches apart, softly and slowly, he said, "Do you remember the day of the brunch- when you took me up to Chuck's suite?"

Blair nodded.

"I was glad that you wanted that- with me," he said, looking away for a moment, still playing with her hair. "But I remember that I kept wishing I had saved myself for you in return."

Was he lying? Blair wondered. Had his dad told him that she was in France- that he had been neglecting her for too long and needed to do something so Eleanor would be happy? She couldn't tell. And what did it matter if he was saying all of this because he wanted to- the point was, he had lied to her, had stayed with her only because his father had told him to. He had done it once, and what he felt now- if he really felt it- didn't matter. Even if he could prove that what he was saying and what he felt were true, she would never believe him. If she loved him in return even, she could never trust him or feel confident enough to be his girlfriend without being suspicious and unsure.

He spoke again, saying, "I _am_ sorry that I had sex with Serena," he looked into her eyes again. "I would take it all back if I could."

_Liar,_ Blair wanted to say. After all, she had heard him say it to the Captain at the anniversary party, that he liked Serena.

When she didn't say anything for a long time, he tried to smile, "Say something."

"I don't know what you want me to say," she told him truthfully.

He stroked her cheek with the tip of his finger, "Say that you forgive me."

Because she didn't know what else she _could_ say, she said, "I forgive you."

Slowly, Nate leaned in and kissed her. She didn't cringe away, because she was getting better at steeling herself for these things. This was proven over the course of the next few minutes. She didn't flinch when he cupped her face, didn't push him away when his tongue made its way into her mouth, didn't stop him when he tangled his hands in her hair, she didn't even prevent the kiss from deepening, turning hot and dangerous. And when he took his shirt off, looking at her meaningfully, she gave up completely. It was so clear to her that all the control and power she had over her life and the happenings within it, was gone. What else could she do, but let things happen the way they were bound to happen? She didn't want to have sex with Nate, but _he_ wanted to. Maybe if she let things go the way everyone else wanted them to, she would gain back her rule and her reign.

"I love you," Nate said passionately, hovering above her, almost completely undressed.

She wanted to scream at him though.  
_  
You don't love me!_ she wanted to push and kick and yell at him. _You don't even know me!_

And it was true. He didn't know that she made herself throw up when she was anxious, or what made her anxious. He didn't know what he could say and when to say it, or the things to do that made her feel better. It wasn't important enough to him to figure out why she liked _Breakfast at Tiffany's_, or all things Audrey Hepburn. She was sure that he didn't know that she cried over her father's absence for months before she could sleep without tears falling out of her eyes and sobs silently racking her body. He didn't know her favorite food, animal, designer, song, color, anything. Even after dating for years, he didn't know. He didn't care enough to know. What did it matter to him that she wanted to go to Yale and study international relations? What did he get out of hearing about her childhood nightmare of clown-masked men chasing her around Central Park? It was of no advantage to him to comfort her as she cried over something, unless she would have sex with him afterward. He had even forgotten about her birthday. If there wasn't something in it for him, he didn't care. And if he didn't know her, how could he love her?

Dan, however , knew all of these things. Over the course of their relationship they had made-out more than talked, but there had been moments when things would come up. _What do you want to study in college? Audrey Hepburn's cool and everything, but why do_ you _like her so much? I know that your parents aren't together anymore, and my parents are sort of taking a separation, but were you okay with that kind of situation at first? Why are you so afraid of clowns? Should I put on_ Breakfast at Tiffany's _before you bite my head off over the B you got on your test?_ He didn't need to know- he didn't _have_ to care- but he did, and he knew her for it. And as Nate leaned in and kissed her neck, she marveled at how well she and Dan had gotten to know each other. For weeks she had been convincing herself that it was just physical, that that was all they had- she hadn't even noticed how close they had gotten through just a bit of talking.

But she pushed Dan from her mind, because as soon as he entered into her train of thought a harsh anxiety ripped at her insides. So, instead, she focused on Nate, who was getting closer and closer to being her 'second time.' _Don't think about it,_ she told herself. _You have no fucking control over anything anyway_. And she just gave in completely, surrendering to the workings of the world, the workings that were so clearly against her, so clearly in league with everyone ripping away any kind of power she might have had.

* * *

Nate left the following afternoon, kissing her goodbye and squeezing her hand. Behind his smile, though, she could see his lies. He still loved Serena, and he was keeping up this falsity for the Captain. But that was fine with her, if he wanted to keep up a relationship for show, then who was she to deny him? Who was she to deny anyone?

She had lunch with Roman and her father, but their banter and laughing soon became too much for her. Their volumes were too high, their happiness too vivid, their smiles too bright, their lives just too complete. When the glare of the conversation became too much for her, she asked if she could walk around the vineyard. Her father offered to come with her, but she insisted that he stay, that she just wanted to do some exploring. Harold seemed to take the hint, that she wanted to be alone, and poured himself and Roman another cup of coffee, watching Blair leave the kitchen to retrieve her coat and boots.

It was as if she could finally breathe when she was walking through the rows of burgundy. The world around her was stark with winter, but the simplicity of death by frost was easier to bear than the richness of summer or spring. There were no houses for miles and miles, and the rolling fields of grass and shrubbery, and the vast strip of overcast sky, made her feel like there was enough room for her thoughts to flit away and leave her mind. Even though it was bitingly cold, the temperature didn't affect her thought process. She rubbed her hands together in her gloves, stomped her a feet a little as she walked, her toes going numb and stiff, but she still thought about the things she wanted to ignore. Her brain still called up images of Dan laughing, oblivious to the fact that she had had sex with Nate the previous night. And the guilt gnawed at her, regardless of whether she was freezing or burning, whether she had liked it or not, or whether she was crying or laughing. Her conscience didn't care either way, and so, she was trapped.

_What the fuck?_ Blair snapped to herself. _I've never cared about screwing anyone over before._

And for a moment, she thought, _maybe I'm not_ really _guilty_- but Dan entered her mind, and she knew that she was.

She came to an aging, stone bench, set up on the perimeter of the vineyard. Sitting down, she looked over the rows of burgundy, to the house that seemed miles away now. A sharp wind blew over her, pushing strands of hair into her face, and she shook slightly. The bench was uncomfortable, hard and cold, underneath her, but her thoughts didn't linger on the fact. Instead, she thought about her return to New York, and what awaited her there.

Serena.

Nate.

The Winter Formal.

Dan.

She swallowed.

_So, what are you going to do?_

Now that she was alone in France- so far away from everything she was trying to run from- she felt like she could actually think. So, she did.

When she thought about it, she knew that she wasn't even interested in Nate anymore- despite her thoughtless actions of the previous night- and that she didn't care about getting revenge because she had been scorned. She wanted him to get what he deserved for using her, for lying to her, for his father, but she didn't think he needed his heart broken. An eye for an eye? That wasn't the case. She just didn't care enough about it anymore to hurt him in that way. And besides, would he care if she revealed that she had been cheating on him? with a boy from Brooklyn? When he loved Serena anyway? Maybe he was confused, but she didn't know or care. And what did it matter if Serena had slept with Nate, or that she had flirted with him afterward? Blair didn't want to screw her over either. It didn't make a difference. It just didn't matter anymore. They didn't need to know the truth, because that had been her plan all along. Though she would have been lying in saying that she had been having an affair with Dan because she actually liked him, she knew it was true now, and they didn't need to know that. The whole plan had been ruined- reversed- and it made no difference. She would break up with Nate- maybe she'd have to wait awhile for the reasoning to seem natural, but that was okay. And she would try to be friends with Serena again- a good friend, like they had been. And perhaps she'd tell them the truth one day, but not to hurt them, just because they deserved it.

And Dan?

She bit her lip painfully.

What would happen with Dan? What did she feel about Dan?  
_  
I love him._

The answer was immediate and true. She loved him. More than she had ever loved Nate, more than she thought she could ever love Nate. He wasn't like any of the handsome heroes in her Audrey Hepburn movies, except that he was genuinely noble and kind. He didn't look like Humphrey Bogart, or have the swagger of Fred Astaire, but he loved her, better than she imagined any romantic lead ever could. And with all that love, he had cared for her and worried about her, had been honest with her and had gotten to know her. What had she done in return? She had lied to him and used him. It was painful to think about, but it was true. He deserved the truth- least of all. And so she would tell him the honest-to-goodness truth when she returned. Even if he refused to speak to her, or if he called her a heartless bitch afterward- she would tell him the truth, and leave the rest up to fate.

She stood up from her bench, beginning to walk back across the vineyard. For the first time in weeks, she felt light and easy- as if she could breathe. She had nothing to worry about, nothing to figure out. It was all there, all planned out- it all made sense, and it would all go smoothly. She knew the truth now- that she loved Dan- that she loved him with all her heart. And that fact alone, without any lying or implications of farce, was enough to lift the burden that had been set on her shoulders for weeks.

Everything would work itself out.

Yeah, because _that's_ always the case.

* * *

Dan took the day after Thanksgiving to reevaluate himself and the situation at hand.

First: He was sure that he loved Blair, and there was no use in trying to deny it.

Second: Blair wasn't as interested in him, as much he was interested in her. Example: She didn't care about their fight enough to stay in town- and she was in France with her BOYFRIEND. And the fact that she wouldn't break up with said boyfriend pretty much summed up her feelings for Dan.

Third: He had to end things with Serena at some point. Or else give her a real chance, and then break up with her when things didn't work out fairly.

Fourth: He was losing every scrap of dignity he had ever owned.

While taking an iPodless walk through Central Park- an attempt to work everything out- he found his thoughts tumbling around one another.

What had happened to the Dan who knew exactly what he did and didn't want? he wondered. He had been so against everything superficial, and, essentially, Upper East Side, but here he was, confused over _Blair Waldorf_. Queen B. And because Blair _had convinced him to_, he was dating her best friend at the same time. He was lying to nearly everyone- himself, included. Where had his morals run off to? Had the presence of Blair Waldorf ruined him as a person? He didn't want to think so. In a lot of ways, Blair made him a better person- it was the circumstances under which he had to navigate himself, that made him do things in an immoral way. Blair had nothing to do with.

Right, because you were dating someone's girlfriend, cheating on _your_ supposed girlfriend, and lying about it all, _before_ Blair came along.

Maybe it wasn't her doing, but she certainly brought it all on, he knew. But that was his fault. He had allowed himself to fall so deeply in love with her, that he had let her convince him to date Serena; to lie about their relationship; to keep the way she felt about him and how he felt about her a secret; to be her secret lover. Blindness by love had overtaken him, and he hadn't even questioned her motives, hadn't protested all that much. He had allowed her to drag him around on a leash, and he hadn't even stopped her, hadn't even strained against it. And he loved her- hell, he knew he loved her more than he had ever loved anyone- and if she really loved him, like she said she did, she would let him be his own person and end this charade. If she really loved him, she wouldn't insist they date other people at the same time, or keep their relationship a secret. He knew, that if she really loved him, she would be honest and upfront, with him and about him. And he couldn't let this confusing turmoil of lies and sneaking continue- not anymore.

When Blair returned from France, he decided, he would give her an ultimatum: We either end these other relationships, and you tell everyone what we really are, or I'm done, for good.

**Author's Note:** Sorry this update took so long! As I said, I've had school (a research paper due on Friday that I haven't even started: Eeeeeeeeek!), drama with friends like you wouldn't believe, a vacation, and an amazing John Mayer concert! The chapter was quite long though. Hope you all liked it! Reviewing is always greatly appreciated!


	19. False Alarm

**Author's Note:** I tried really, very hard to work on this chapter and have it up sooner than it is. I had the most noxious case of writer's block for this chapter- anytime I sat down, determined to work on it, I had to close the document immediately because I had no idea how to go about it. Finally, I locked myself up and hammered it out (thanks to some youtube music videos and the season 2 promos that are crawling around). Anywho- **red.angel.15**.- Again, your reviews have me nearly moved to tears. When you told me that my story actually effected people, I squeaked a little, I was so happy! I'm so glad I can help people (in some small way), even if it is through a silly little Gossip Girl fan fiction. Guess what, guys! My summer history course is finally over! No more research paper, no more essays or tests, no more final- I'M FINALLY DONE WITH IT! Long sigh of contentment Hopefully that means I'll have more time to work on this story, though I don't want to rush through it because I do love writing it so much! Thanks, everyone, for reading and reviewing! Here is chapter nineteen (really, sorry about the delay)! Hope you like it!

**P.S.** Enjoy the quote by the pilot, it's based on a true scenario. )

**Chapter Nineteen**  
"Each time I turn around  
There's nothing there at all  
So, tell me why I feel like  
I'm up against a wall  
But maybe it's a false alarm  
And all the answers sound the same  
Just colors bleeding into one  
That doesn't have a name  
Maybe I can't see  
Maybe it's just me."  
-KT Tunstall

"About that landing, folks- Sometimes you get it, and... sometimes you don't."

All throughout the cabin of the plane, people were grumbling and muttering about how rough the landing had been. Some people, however, were chuckling at the pilot's comment on it. Blair wasn't amused, nor was she grumbling (partly because she didn't have anyone to grumble to), she simply rolled her eyes and breathed through her nose. The landing had been pretty much disastrous. In order to stay in her seat she had had to grip her chair with both hands and tighten her seat belt around her miniscule waist. The dark-featured businessman beside her had glared at her for taking up the armrest as they dove onto the runway, but she didn't pay him any attention. With the plane bucking violently, speeding downward, seeming as if it was going to nose-dive before it actually made it onto the tarmac, Blair felt as if she was licensed to be selfish with the space she took up.

Not that she ever actually needed _license_ to be selfish.

And just as she was about to mentally bash the pilot, she realized something: She was finally on American soil- She was finally home.

Though the remainder of her French vacation had been explicably better than the first half had been, she had been anxious to get home. Her father had taken her to a wine testing the day after Thanksgiving, had given her a new Chanel bag as a late birthday gift, had insisted they watch _Roman Holiday_ when they got back (even though he wasn't all that into old, romantic movies, gay or otherwise), and had insisted on buying her two new pairs of shoes, a vintage coat, stressed-leather gloves, and nearly-custom-made jeans, when they had ventured into town that Saturday. Roman had even made her favorite foods for dinner and lunch, and she hadn't found one single reason to purge them. All in all, it had been the getaway she needed, the occurrence with Nate excluded.

As she made her way off the plane, with her carry-on in hand, she winced.

The whole incident with Nate was still raw in her mind. She wished she hadn't done it, especially since she would be breaking up with him soon (she wasn't sure when, exactly). But if she had stopped him, had given him some excuse as to why they couldn't have sex, then he would have gotten suspicious. She knew that the old Blair, the one that didn't love Dan admittedly, would have found any way to have sex with Nate on a vacation in France. But things were different now, she was a Blair that loved Dan, and Nate wasn't allowed to know that. Not yet, anyway.

She set about retrieving her luggage and making her way through the airport, her stomach twisted and knotted.

It was nearly eleven o'clock on Sunday night, and she wasn't sure if she'd be up to school in the morning, but she knew it was only a matter of hours, however many there may be, until she saw Dan again. The fact made her anxious, but excited. What would she do or say? Was he still angry with her? She shook her head, unable to tell, growing even more edgy and restless.

With her luggage finally within her grasp, Blair steered herself toward the Starbucks within the airport, deciding that she deserved a venti white chocolate mocha with extra whipped cream for all the nervousness she was enduring. So, she joined the queue that was jutting out from the Starbucks counter, and pulled out her phone. First, she called her father and told him that she had safely arrived at the airport, and was going to call her mother next. Then, she did call her mother, who said she was sending over a car for her. By the time she hung up with her mother, she was at the front of the line, and the young man working the counter was looking at her expectantly. She tossed her phone into her tote and looked up, faltering for a moment.

Staring back at her, was Dan.

Her jaw fell and she stared.

"Can I help you, miss?" he prompted.

She blinked several times and realized it wasn't Dan after all, just a pale, dark-haired man with a pierced eyebrow and a Celtic tattoo on the inside of his forearm.

He was still waiting for her to say something, when the woman behind her in line cleared her throat.

Coming to her senses, Blair said, "S-Sorry," she glanced away from him. "A white chocolate mocha with extra whipped cream."

"What kind of milk would you like with that?" the young man- who Blair now realized looked almost nothing like Dan- asked, tapping away on the register.

"Skim," she muttered, feeling as if all of the Starbucks workers, her barista included, and everyone in line behind her, could tell she had thought he was Dan, the love of her life- as if they all now knew, along with her, how unprepared she was to confront said Brooklyn boy, how all of her confidence regarding the Dan situation had just diminished completely.

After clacking on the register for a few seconds more, the man asked, "Will that be all?"

"No!" Blair said suddenly, as that familiar suffocating anxiety curdled in her stomach. "I'll have a chocolate chip cookie and a sugar cookie."

The man nodded, clacking some more.

"And a double chocolate chip brownie," she told him, peering into the glass display of food. "And a blueberry muffin."

The barista glanced at her, taking in her teeny-tiny frame, but then went back to his computer screen, typing. Blair didn't care what any of these people thought of her- if any of them were making their own inner-commentary about her eating habits or what she was ordering. _Fuck them_, she thought, _I'll never see these people again anyway_.

"Will that be all?" the man asked.

It would have to be for now, so she nodded.

He gave her the total, and she paid quickly, avoiding eye contact with him, trying to derail the image of Dan behind the Starbucks counter from the tracks of her mind.

She juggled her food all the way through the airport terminal, lugging her luggage along with her. Inside the ladies' bathroom, she dragged her two suitcases into a stall, stacked them up against the door and balanced everything she had bought on the top of them. Then, she took the huge, chocolate chip cookie, and began to eat it. Once she had started, her actions sped up, until she was wolfing down both cookies, and then hardly breathing as she reached for her brownie. And when she finished the muffin, her trance finally faltered. She looked at her hands, covered in melted chocolate, and immediately felt enormously disgusted with herself. Because she felt this way, the wave of nausea came on its own, and she leaned over the toilet, holding her hands away from her body, positioned as if she was bracing herself against an imaginary wall. Her hair was already in a ponytail, so she didn't have to worry about getting vomit in her hair, but she was so conscious of the awkward positioning of her body and the situation that she was in, that the tears came easily, and there was no hope for her make-up-streaked-face.

After the first bout of vomiting had ended, she shoved her finger down her throat, ignoring the taste of chocolate and copper and stomach acid that lingered on her tongue, needing to feel empty, needing to think about the pain of retching over the confusion of Dan.

And when she tried to reach her finger down her throat for the fourth time, and her stomach resisted, she gave up and flushed the toilet. Using some toilet paper, she managed to wipe some of the chocolate off of her hands, and blow her nose. For a moment she stood in the stall, until her crying subsided, and by that time she became conscious of the whispering within the bathroom. Straightening her shoulders and fixing her hair, Blair exited the stall, holding her small suitcase under her arm, rolling the other with her left hand, and holding her lukewarm white chocolate mocha with the right.

Standing at the sinks, fixing their hair and reapplying their make-up, were two older women. To Blair they looked like gossipy suburban soccer-moms, so she ignored them and their whispering. She placed her suitcases on the floor, and her drink on the side of the sink farthest from the two women, and washed her hands.

She felt someone looking at her and she looked into the mirror, seeing the two women staring at her, she rolled her eyes and dragged her wet fingertips under her lids, wiping away the mascara and eyeliner that had dribbled down her face.

"Excuse me, honey," one of the women said, actually reaching toward her. She gave the woman such a scathing look that she lowered her hand, "We couldn't help but hear you in there- Are you sick?"

Blair managed to scrounge up a half-empty water bottle from her tote, and took a swig from it. She then spat the water into the sink. The women both saw the spots of blood that fell onto the white porcelain with the water, and they looked back up at Blair worriedly.

Shrugging, she coldly said, "I get motion sickness on planes," as a response.

She ripped off a paper towel from the roll by the sink and wiped the water away from below her eyes, ignoring the painful scratchy material on her tender skin.

The women shared a look, and the same one spoke again, "But- You're crying-"

"My eyes are watering," Blair snapped. "I'm fine- Thanks all the same!"

She dove into her bag and retrieved her lip gloss, slicking it over her chapped lips. The women were still staring. Without acknowledging them she got out her eyeliner and touched up her eyes so her mother wouldn't be suspicious when she got home. When she looked at them again, she noticed the women exchanging frightened looks.

Losing her patience for everything in life, Blair barked, "What?!"

The women jumped, and the second of the two mentioned, "There was blood in the sink..."

Blair challenged her to go further, narrowing her eyes.

The first woman said, "Maybe you should get some help, honey- I mean, do you have a problem-"

"Yes," Blair chucked her make-up back into her bag and practically snarled at them. "As a matter of fact I do have a problem- I have a few, actually."

The women stared some more.

Blair barreled on, hardly able to keep anything bottled up anymore, "The guy I'm in love with is from _Brooklyn_, and he's dating my best friend. We've been having something of an affair for the past few weeks. My boyfriend is an ass hole who's in love with my same best friend- but somehow I managed to sleep with him anyway- even though I'm in love with the boy from Brooklyn," she watched as the shock etched itself onto their faces. "Yeah- And I've just been to France to get away from everything- to visit my gay dad and his lover- but now I'm freaking out because the guy I love probably still thinks I'm ashamed to be seen with him or some crap, and he probably hates me- so, yeah I'm freaking out a little!" she shrieked.

The women's mouths fell open.

"And now, you two are fucking harassing me- trying to make me check myself into fucking rehab or something!" her voice was so shrill at this point that she, herself, winced. "Go back to where ever it is you came from and leave me alone!"

With those last words she grabbed her bags and stomped out of the bathroom, forgetting her white chocolate mocha on the sink.

With defense and fury, confusion and worry, all mingling in her brain, she clacked her heels loudly against the flooring, making her way outside. It was then that she remembered her drink, and regretted leaving it. Sure, it wasn't hot anymore, but it would have been semi-warm, and it would have felt good on her stressed throat. But she stopped thinking about, noticing that there was only one town car parked in the front of the airport.

She knocked on the window, and the driver lowered it, "Yes?"

"I'm Blair- Are you here for me?" she asked, shivering as a gust of cold wind bit into her side.

"Blair Waldorfer?"

"Waldorf," she corrected him, rolling her eyes. "Yes, that's me."

"I'll help you with those bags," he said, and got out of the car.

Grateful to be rid of the weighty suitcases, she watched as he loaded them into the trunk, and then as he came around and opened her door for her. She slid into the back seat of the car, nearly swooning as she melted into the soft leather, the heater blowing sluggishly warm air onto her face.

He pulled away from the airport, already instructed by her mother to take her to their apartment. And it was as she leaned into the back seat, finally relaxing a little, that she decided- because of the hellish day she had had- that she would not being going to school the following day.

I'm sure Lonely Boy will be just _thrilled_.

* * *

Dan was anything but thrilled on Monday morning.

Blair wasn't in school again. This fact made him annoyed, impatient, even a little worried, but not happy in the least. Why wasn't she there? Was it a simple case of jet lag? Was she just too tired? or had she decided to stay in France upon the insistence of some French boy she'd met in Lyon, named Pierre? had her plane crashed? He knew his speculations were ridiculous, but he couldn't help it. He had been so sure that she would be in school on Monday morning- that he would meet her in front of the steps leading up to the building, and he would give her his ultimatum, that everyone would see them together and she would have had to give him an answer. That, however, was not the case.

He had paced in front of the steps until the bell, warning everyone to get to their classes, rang- then he had given up and started toward his history class.

Now he was scouring the courtyard and the halls for Blair, finding her nowhere. Was she avoiding him? Is that what this was? He couldn't figure it out- and he had had such an airtight plan (meet her in the morning by the steps, give her the ultimatum, catch her off guard with it, make her decide) and it was in shambles now- and he had no idea what to do. All night he had tossed and turned, clinging to this specific idea, feeling as if he was okay, as long as he followed this plan. But this was just a minor change- he'd still give her the ultimatum- it would just be in a different place and time than he had originally thought. It would all be okay, he decided.

"Dan!"

He looked up, half-hoping it was Blair calling his name. Then, he realized the voice was too shrill and chipper to be Blair- Serena.

Turning, he tried to smile for the blonde, saying, "Hey."

"What are you doing for lunch?"

Serena looked so excited and happy to see him, and she was tugging on his arm like a toddler wanting to show someone their art project. He felt bad for a moment, and he smiled genuinely, telling her that he wasn't doing anything.

And just like that, he let her drag him off-campus.

* * *

When Blair woke up from a long, fitful sleep on Monday afternoon, she was still tired, but she pulled herself out of bed. Her throat was dry and scratchy and her stomach was aching with emptiness, so she shuffled downstairs in her sweats. She found her mother in the kitchen, pouring a cup of coffee for herself. When she walked in, her mother smiled and asked her how she had slept.

"Fine," she mumbled, rifling through the nearest cabinet, surfacing with a box of Milano's.

Eleanor sipped her coffee, and then smiled again, "So, SATs are coming up."

Blair chucked the cookies back into the cabinet, and got herself a mug instead. She shrugged as she went to pour herself some of the steaming coffee.

"Well, if you want to go to Yale you'll have to get a good SAT score."

Blair winced as she took a scalding gulp of the bittersweet liquid.

"I did something to help you out," Mrs. Waldorf went on.

That scared Blair, and she looked at her mother hesitantly, waiting.

Eleanor was smiling, though, as she announced, "I got you a tutor!"

The tiny brunette didn't say anything.

"She teaches Women's Studies at NYU, but she can help you in both English and math," she was beaming. "You'll meet with her for two hours everyday- except the weekends."

Two hours? Blair wanted to screech.

From the look on her face, her mother realized what she was thinking, and said, "I know two hours is a lot, but she said if you want to get a good score- good enough to get into Yale- you need the preparation."

"And when am I supposed to have a life?" Blair asked sarcastically.

Her mother gave her a stern look, "Blair, it's only two hours a day- on the weekdays too- only until the SATs!"

Yes, but she had homework on top of that, extracurriculars she was supposed to be keeping up with- not to mention drama up to her eyeballs that needed to be gotten rid of.

Maybe we should get her a shovel, before someone steps in all that drama.

* * *

After eating at a chic sandwicherie, only a block away from their school, Serena had dragged Dan to the park across from Constance and St. Jude's, for the remainder of lunch. They sat down on a bench, and he listened as she talked his ear off. She nattered on about Blair being so lucky in going to France, about some boots she wanted at Bendel's, about how she couldn't stand the French club meetings she had to go to, about Nate and his love of pot, and about how she was glad Dan was there, in the park with her. He didn't have to do much talking, just sat there, listening, and saying a word or two when necessary.

"Can I tell you something?" she asked after a few minutes of mindless chatter.

His heart sped up, afraid she was going to say something about Blair or his affair with her. He just nodded numbly.

She took his gloved hand in hers and looked down at them, saying, "Do you remember at Nate's parents' anniversary party- when I told you I still had feelings for Nate, but that I wanted you to be the one to help me get over him?"

"Yeah," Dan said quietly, afraid of what was coming next.

She looked up at him and smiled, "I shouldn't have been seeing you for those reasons, but- I mean, I do have feelings for you now."

_Shit_, was the first word that came to Dan's mind.

"You don't like Nate at all?" he croaked.

Almost too quickly, Serena replied, "Hardly!" and she laughed loudly.

Dan wasn't sure what that meant, but he felt too confused and screwed up to even muster a proper smile for her.

"I'm glad I could help, Serena," he said awkwardly. "But- I don't think you should-"

She cut him off, "Don't say anything," she whispered, in a way she probably thought was seductive and sultry, but kind of came off as forced.

Before Dan could even attempt to finish his thought, she had put her arms around his neck, and was placing her lips over his.

It wasn't exactly unpleasant kissing Serena, but- it wasn't Blair- there was no spark, no fire, no rush of blood, or rapid heart rate. But, somehow, he found himself kissing her back, if only slightly. When she slipped her tongue into his mouth though, he put his hands on her waist, pushing her away. Of course, she immediately looked hurt, but he couldn't imagine the look on her face if she found out that he had slept with her best friend, that he was playing her. He scooted away from her on the bench, looking at his hands.

"I'm sorry- I can't do this," he said, standing up.

"Dan!"

"Please," he turned to her. "I'm sorry I can't explain myself, but- I'm sorry, okay?"

She called after him, something that sounded like a question, but he couldn't make it out, wasn't paying enough attention to understand it.

In response, he called back, "Sure- Yeah," hoping there wouldn't be consequences in that reply.

Um, buddy, she just asked if you're still going to be her date for the winter formal. Consequences? good luck with that one.

* * *

On Monday evening, after Elsie the Women's Studies professor had drilled vocabulary and long division into Blair's brain like it was nobody's business, the tiny brunette logged onto GossipGirl's web site, checking to see if she had missed a ton of dramatic news over the course of her computerless weekend.

_The first post on the site was one from that afternoon, and the caption read: Spotted! Not-So-Lonely Boy, **D**, and **S**, Hook up during Lunch.  
_  
A cold fear crept up Blair's spine, and she scrolled down to find a picture of Serena and Dan kissing on a bench in a park. Dan's hands were on Serena's waist, and she could see Serena's tongue in his mouth. A spasm of hurt and anger flashed through her.

Yes, how _dare_ he kiss the girl she told him to date! Whereas, her sleeping with her boyfriend is excusable, obviously.

And even as the nausea crept into her stomach, and the confusing anxiety ceased her, she couldn't do anything but stare at the computer screen, completely motionless, feeling as if everything was shattering around her- as if everything was somehow changing completely.

**Author's Note:** I feel like I'm writing a soap opera, and I kind of love it. You guys may think this is going to lead into a whole other horrible plot spin and everything- but it's not, I promise. This is necessary for the following chapter to happen, and then, in turn, the big winter formal scene to happen! So, anyway, I will try my best to have the next chapter- hate to say it, but it will be a filler chapter- up sooner. The wait for this chapter was utterly ridiculous, and I'm sorry. As I've mentioned: vampires really did take over my life... Not to mention the laziness of summer was taking over in a close second. Hope you liked this chapter! Reviewing is always appreciated!


	20. Desperately

**Author's Note:** Sorry that this chapter took a little bit of time to get up; I've been working on some other stories and, also, having a really crappy end to the summer- So much so that I'm glad school is starting. Haha, yeah. Anyway, glad no one hated chapter nineteen with a passion! Thanks for the reviews! Here is chapter twenty! Enjoy!

**Chapter Twenty**  
"There's something 'bout the way you looked at me  
Made me think for a moment,  
That maybe we were meant to be  
Living life separately  
And it's strange that things change  
But not me wanting you so desperately  
Oh, why can't I ignore it?  
I keep giving in but I should know better  
'cause there was something  
'bout the way you looked at me  
And it's strange that's things change  
But not me wanting you, so desperately."  
-Michelle Branch

Somehow, Blair managed to avoid Dan on Tuesday and Wednesday. Really, it wasn't all that hard. What with her catching up on her extracurriculars, having Elsie the psycho-bitch (as Blair had so fondly nicknamed her after studying with her for three days) drilling SAT prep information into her brain, and having to field off apologies for her forgotten birthday, she was almost too busy to even think about Dan. Almost.

The image of Serena and him kissing was permanently etched into her brain, and she couldn't get away from it. Even when she thought it was slipping from her mind, she received a text from him, asking if they could meet- or a phone call that she would direct to voicemail- and the image came back. And the fact that all of his voicemails sounded desperate and pitiful, or annoyed and impatient, only made matters worse. Of course she wanted to see him! Of course she wanted to meet up with him! They hadn't properly spoken since their fight before she had gone to France. But she couldn't be near him- not now. Not when she was furious with him.

And that was the problem. Did she have a right to be angry with him? When she had insisted he date Serena in the first place? The whole thing really was her fault, but she was having trouble admitting that.

She contemplated whether she should be upset with Serena too- whether she should shift all of the blame to her 'best friend.' But, she immediately dismissed it. This wasn't like when Serena slept with Nate- she didn't even know Blair and Dan were involved. And Blair refused to use the blonde as some kind of scapegoat so she wouldn't have to be mad at Dan. Because it _was_ hard staying mad at him when he cornered her in the hallway between French and Physics on Wednesday morning.

For the past two days Blair had been switching between starving herself, bingeing, and throwing up. The physical abuse, paired with the stress that the whole situation was putting on her, made her tremble when she walked, and when Dan tried to talk to her in school, she very nearly thought she would collapse.

"Blair," he said, his voice low and his face close to hers. "We need to talk."

She just walked right past him, trying to ignore all of the curious eyes that were staring at them.

That was when he grabbed her arm, "Blair-"

"Leave me alone," she snapped, wrenching herself away, pushing through bodies to get away from him and into the safety of the girl's bathroom. Once in there, she pretended she didn't care about the other girls by the sinks, and locked herself in a stall, feeling incredibly weak and frazzled. It was like the wires that connected her to her sanity were snapping, one by one. She had never felt so out-of-sorts over a boy before- yes, she had gotten _close_ with Nate and his disloyalty with Serena, but, it was not the same- and it was setting her on edge.

Through all her stress-induced-_almost_-insanity, she had been able to avoid Dan, but, she hadn't been able to avoid Serena.

"What's wrong, B?" she had asked over her organic wrap on the steps of the Met, Wednesday at lunch. "You don't seem like yourself."

Blair had wanted to hiss and spit, like the unnamed-kitten under her bed who seemed to only like Dorota when it came to Blair's new-and-apparent funk. She contemplated saying, "Why don't you go eat lunch with _Dan_, and fuck the hell off?"

Instead, she said, "It's just the jet lag and the SAT prep- It's frying me, I guess."

Serena watched as Blair brought her water bottle to her lips, her hand making the bottle shake, taking a meek sip, before clasping it in her hands again.

"You're shivering pretty badly- Do you want to go back to school-"

"I'm fine," Blair snapped impatiently.

The blonde fell silent, choosing not to comment on her friend's lack of food at lunch on top of it all.

As Serena munched on her grilled vegetable wrap, Blair watched the traffic pass on Fifth Avenue. It had been foolish of Dan to try to talk to her at lunch- with so many people around who didn't know about them- but it was pretty smart of him to steer clear of her when she was eating lunch alone with Serena. Even so, she thought about their encounter in the corridor, shivering as the feel of his hand on her arm came back to her, burning icily. She hadn't been able to meet his eyes when he had said her name- had been too afraid that she would give in and sink into his arms. And, ultimately she was proud of herself for standing her ground, but, still miserable for all of the new reasons that came with the whole affair-with-Dan/screwing-over-Nate-and-Serena-? ordeal.

Suddenly, Serena was speaking again, "Omigod! You know what we should do?"

"What?" Blair asked, seeming almost disgusted at the idea of doing something with her best friend.

"We should go dress shopping right after school!" the blonde beamed brightly. "It'll totally pick you right up!"

Blair wanted to gag at the idea of shopping with Serena. She said, "Dresses for what?"

"The Winter Formal, duh!" she giggled.

_Fuck_, was Blair's initial thought-response.

"Oh, right," Blair replied. "Well, I mean- I want to, but I have SAT prep for two hours tonight."

For the first time, she felt grateful toward the dumpy, hairy-lipped drill sergeant that was pounding math figures and vocabulary words into her head like she could be the next messiah in doing so.

Serena shrugged, "You said you only had that from six to eight. We could shop before then!"

Blair wanted to smack herself for ever giving her friend that piece of information. But, then again, shopping might help to relax her. She could tune Serena out the whole time- maybe even lose her in the space of Barney's- and do her own thing. That wouldn't be so bad.

"Okay," Blair agreed with an almost-genuine smile. "That sounds like a good idea."

Besides, it's not like Dan would be at Barney's.

Don't count your chickens, darling B.

* * *

By Tuesday morning, Dan was sure that Blair had seen the GossipGirl post of him and Serena kissing. He tried getting her attention across the courtyard at school, tried texting her, calling, but nothing worked. He wanted to explain himself- although, he didn't feel like he necessarily had to- and give her his ultimatum. But no matter what he did, she ignored him. Every text was ignored. Every look he sent her never met her eyes, because she refused to look at him. And every single call was sent straight to voicemail. So, he left her a variety of messages.

Some of which, sounded something like, "Blair, I don't want to talk to your voicemail. I want to talk to _you_. I miss your voice- And, I mean, we have a lot to talk about. I know you're back and I'd like to talk to you in person. (Sigh.) I don't know why you're ignoring me, and I wish you wouldn't. Please, Blair, just- Call me back or text me- Anything. Bye."

And then, some sounded like this: "Blair, I don't want to talk to your voicemail. This is immature and ridiculous. We need to talk. You had your vacation and now we have to figure this out. Stop being selfish, please. If you're going to ignore me, than at least have the decency to have a reason to. How long do you think I can deal with this shit? There's only so much a person can take. Just- call me. Bye."

Neither seemed to have the effect he would have liked- meaning, she continued ignoring him. So, on Wednesday morning he approached her in the hallway at school.

Without even contemplating it- and having a sick need to be close to her- he got right into her face and furtively said, "Blair, we need to talk."

The panicked look that had suddenly adorned her face gave Dan some satisfaction after the hell she had put him through over the past days. But, ultimately he wanted to make her feel better. He stood his ground, however, and stared at her, his eyes intense and piercing. And when she tried to walk around him, he noticed all of the people in the hallway, watching them, gawking. But he wouldn't relent. He grabbed her arm to stop her, felt her shaking lightly, almost faltered, but continued.

"Blair-"

"Leave me alone!" she barked harshly in returned.

She wouldn't look him in the eye, but he could see the shadows and the redness there. He felt her shaking, saw how tired she was. It didn't take a genius to realize she was off-kilter- and Dan knew that, although it was partly his fault, a majority of it was because of Blair herself. She was just beating herself up- abusing herself- over everything. And because of the tiredness and anxiety he saw behind her face, he allowed her to wrench herself away from him, plow through all of the people in the hallway, and escape into the bathroom. Yes, he had let her go, but, he knew, he wasn't giving up.

Just as lunch ended, he received a text message from Serena.

Serena: Hope ur feelng bttr! Can't wait for the wntr frml on Fri!

Dan audibly groaned. He realized that he had somehow agreed to go with her, and because he was too good of a person, he knew that he couldn't dump her two days before the formal, dateless.

And obviously that cancels out the fact that he was cheating on her with her best friend for a little over a month, when it comes to morality.

* * *

Barney's was teeming with people on Wednesday afternoon. Tourists walked around the store, gaping at clothes they couldn't buy, taking pictures of mannequins, and collecting perfume samples. It was a weekday afternoon, and still, they were around the store, talking in different languages and glaring accents. Already Blair's head was aching. And, already, she had roughly slammed into six or seven negligent loiterers who had no right to be standing around when there was shopping to be done. Luckily though, she had managed to wander away from Serena, who was distracted by the perfumes downstairs. So, there was _one_ good thing to be said for the afternoon.

"Do you need help, miss? I could get you another size-"

Blair cut off the sale's assistant, "I'm fine- Thanks," she snapped, zipping up the back of a Marc Jacobs dress.

Turning around, she looked at herself in the mirror, and rolled her eyes, irritated. Nothing seemed to fit properly. Everything was either too big in one area, or too baggy all together, or it was just ugly. Of course, she found things that she liked, but nothing that would do for the Winter Formal. She needed a gown. Even the Marc Jacobs dress she had on wasn't appropriate- it only stopped mid-shin.

What she needed to do was go to a boutique and find a perfectly fitted gown that would solve all her problems.

Because clothes have that power, in case you didn't know.

Practically growling in frustration, she unzipped the dress and yanked it off. Feeling as if she were going to scream, or rip her hair out, she got dressed in her own clothes, threw the dresses she had tried on onto the chair in the dressing room, and stalked out. She didn't care if it was rude or selfish of her, she was too stressed out. Nothing about the shopping trip was relaxing her or making her feel better. She only felt even more irritated and annoyed by the crowds and the impossibility of finding a proper dress. Even so, she went back to searching, stopping at a rack of long, green dresses, thumbing through them without really seeing anything.

"Blair?" she heard someone call her after a minute or two.

She turned, saw him, groaned inwardly, and then spun around again to return to her attempted-shopping.

* * *

Dan hadn't wanted to go to Barney's with his sister. But, she had told him that she only needed to pick up some shoes that were on sale, and then they would go out to eat. He had agreed, because- even though Barney's was extremely out of the way- he didn't mind. Besides, he needed a distraction from ruminating over Blair. And going uptown in the subway, navigating his way through tourists, and ignoring hits of perfume on the first floor of the department store, was enough to distract him almost completely.

And then, when Jenny had convinced him that she just needed to look at the new hats that were in, and that she would be 'just one more minute,' he saw Blair.

She was stomping across the floor, looking angry and frazzled, but almost vulnerable. He watched as she pushed through people and hurried over to a rack of clothing, flipping through dresses at high-speed, as if desperately looking for a life-vest before she drowned. For a moment, he just stared, mesmerized by her. She looked so worn and tired- nothing like the Blair Waldorf he knew- and he wanted to fix that. And before he could stop himself, he was making his way over to her, staring at the back she had turned to him.

"Blair?" he called hesitantly, as if he didn't want to scare her away.

When she turned and saw him, he noticed the fear and anxiety flit across her eyes. Immediately, she turned back around and began flipping through the dresses again.

He took another step toward her, and even though she wasn't looking at him, she knew he had done it, and her body tensed up even more.

Softly, he said, "Blair..."

"Go away," she said, her voice monotone and stoic.

He took hold of her arm, unable to help himself, and turned her around. The feel of his hand on her shoulder again, almost made her cry out. She wanted to throw her arms around him, to bury her face in his sweet-smelling chest and have him hold her, but she wouldn't allow herself that. With his hand on her, she had to make herself resist even more, and it was nearly impossible. She loved him, and she thought he loved her, but how could she know anymore? She had been so ready to confess her love to him- to tell him about trying to screw Serena and Nate over- but now she didn't think she could do that. He had kissed Serena, after he had so frankly told Blair he didn't like her best friend at all- didn't want to be involved with the blonde. What did he really feel then, if he had kissed her? She felt so out-of-sorts, as if she was constantly buzzing with anxiousness, and she couldn't calm herself down ever again. And Dan saw how restless she seemed, even though she wouldn't meet his eyes after she was turned around. It pained him to see her like this, but his ultimatum was there- at the back of this throat- and he knew he needed to replenish his dignity somehow.

"Why are you ignoring me, Blair?" he asked, his voice a little harsher than he would have liked it. "What is this about?"

She shook her head, trying to turn around again. He wouldn't let her move.

He gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze, "We have to talk."

Finally, she allowed herself to look into his eyes, and her heart nearly leapt out of her chest. Oh God, she loved him. She had never loved anyone like this before- so much so, that it was almost painful not to be near him, with him- but she was so hurt, and her intentions had been so shattered by what he had done with Serena, that she couldn't help but lash out angrily.

"We don't have to talk about anything!" she snapped, pulling herself out of his grasp. "Just leave me alone, Dan," and she turned back to the clothes, pretending that she cared what they looked like and what she could possibly wear.

Dan took a deep breath, "So, what is this then? Do you just want to end _us_, and act like it never happened?" It nearly ached to say it, but he didn't know what else to do.

Upon hearing his words, Blair slowed her search through the clothes. She didn't want to end things, she didn't want to pretend like it had never happened. On the contrary, she wanted to tell everyone that they were together, and start something real, but she didn't know how to go about that now. Turning slowly, she said, "I never said that-"

"B, I found some great- Dan? Hey! What are you doing here?"

Serena swooped down on them like a beautiful, blonde bird of prey. She kissed Dan on the cheek, oblivious to the tension in the air. She didn't see Blair visibly flinch at the kiss either. Instead, Serena smiled brightly and looked from her best friend, to Dan.

Dan recovered and said, "I was just here with Jenny and I saw Blair, so I thought I'd say hi."

Blair didn't say anything.

"Oh! That's cool," she said noncommittally. "Ohmigod! I have a great idea! We should all go out for dinner- You, me, B, Jenny- All of us!"

Dan would rather have spent the rest of his life in Barney's.

Feeling even more edgy and unnerved, Blair said, "I would- But, I can't," she avoided eye contact with either of them. "Elsie will be coming soon and my mom said she wanted me to help her with some designs or something," she babbled. "I have to go now anyway," she said in a rush, averting her eyes again. "I'll see you guys later."

And Dan watched as Blair hurried away from them, making her way out of the store as if her life depended on it.

"Well," Serena began slowly. "We can still go to dinner with Jenny, right?"

Sounds peachy.

* * *

Blair cut her way through the crowds on the sidewalk, feeling as if she needed to get away.

Really, she just wanted to scream and jump out of her skin. Hadn't she gone to France to get away? And hadn't she figured out this whole mess when she was there? Apparently not. And that fact made her want to tear at her hair and dig at her eyes. But, because her appearance was just too important for that, she walked as fast and hard as she could, wincing as her shoes cut into her feet. Relishing the blind clarity that came with such harshly cold winds and an overcast sky, she walked toward home.

Dan had asked her if she wanted to end their relationship- if it could be called that- and forget that it had ever happened. Was that what he wanted? Every time she saw him he was angry and irritated- because of her! Sure, she had received the pathetic messages from him, but the angry, impatient ones were far more popular. And she reminded herself of the fight they had had before she had even decided to go to France. He had been furious with her then too, thinking that she was shamed of him. So, was he now trying to end things with her for good? Had he finally had enough of her games- finally had enough of the bitch and realized he was too good for her? The very idea of it made her suck in a deep breath, walk faster, step harder, and forbid herself from crying.

She was _Blair Waldorf_, for crying out loud, but she had to remind herself of this over and over, if only to get her to the end of each sidewalk.

"Blair!"

She almost didn't turn around. The last time someone had called her name it had been disastrous. But she did turn. And, again, it was pretty disastrous.

Faintly, she said, "Nate. What are you doing here?" she tried to smile.

He laughed, looking at the building behind her, "I live here."

She looked, and it was, indeed, the Archibald townhouse she had been passing.

"I was just getting back from a meeting with the lacrosse team," he explained, as if she cared. "Hey- Why don't you come in?- My parents would love to say hi and we could bake cookies like we used to do every Friday afternoon freshmen year."

Nate's eyes were alight as he suggested this. And if he had suggested this weeks ago, Blair would have fainted in ecstasy. But because she knew what angle he was coming from, she knew that he wasn't pleased with the idea of spending time with her baking cookies. He was just excited about the idea of showing his father that he was really making an effort to please her. This fact, however, didn't matter to her. The idea of gooey, home-baked cookies, and the familiar warmth of the Archibald kitchen made her actually smile. So, who cared if Nate was attached to that equation? They didn't have to have sex, they could just talk and hang out like they had when Blair, Nate, and Serena had been best friends- before the drama of high school had set in. The idea was so appealing that Blair agreed to it, and allowed Nate to lead her inside.

B really, what the hell are you thinking?

* * *

Dan was tempted to take a salad fork and shove it into his eye, such was his agony over having dinner with Serena and Jenny.

The two girls were giggling and chatting over leafy salads, and he was watching them, having a hard time stomaching his own meal. Their talk was all about the Winter Formal. Jenny would be there as well, since it was for all of the high-schoolers, and she was more than happy to discuss the topic with the older girl. Dan stewed as they went over dress colors and what shoes would match, what jewelry was acceptable and if tiaras were tacky. By the time they were grilling him with information about corsages, he was ready to vomit. Instead, he just nodded and smiled, as if he was actually listening to all they were telling him about fashion and flowers.

But really, he was thinking about Blair.

Really, what a shocker that is!

When he had suggested she wanted them to end things, she had actually opposed it. This fact pleased him, but he still felt annoyed and confused. Was she willing to break up with Nate yet? Would she be angry if he stopped seeing Serena? He couldn't figure out her reasoning- why had she wanted him to continue dating Serena in the first place? In the beginning, she had told him it was because Serena was so hurt when he sort-of-dumped her. But he could see that Serena still had feelings for Nate (despite what she said and did when around him). She was too fake with her feelings for him, and genuine when it came to all things Nate. So why was he still in this twisted cluster-fuck? What the hell was keeping him tied down to this conflict?

_Oh yeah_, he remembered bitterly. _I'm in love with Blair Waldorf_.

"Are you guys going to formal in a limo?" Jenny asked.

He answered before Serena could, "No- It's not a prom."

Corsages? Fine. But he drew the line at limo. He felt he had to.

The rest of the meal managed to pass, without too much conversation about the formal. Instead, the girls gabbed about gossip, GossipGirl, and other nonsense that Dan could not focus on. When it was finally appropriate for them to pay and leave, he was thankful that he had made it through the evening alive. He was even more grateful when they decided to take separate cabs to get home. Being a gentleman, Dan hailed one for Serena first, and when he opened the door for her, she smiled at him, and- as if in slow motion- leaned in and kissed him. He kissed her back slightly, if only to not be an ass hole, and tried to smile when she drove off. He found it difficult.

And then, when he got into the next cab with Jenny, and she said, "You and Serena are so cute together," he nearly started crying.

How had things got so far? How had he got himself in so deep?

Is love grand, or what?

* * *

Captain and Mrs. Archibald were sitting in the living room- the same living room that Blair and Dan had sat in awkward silence at the anniversary party before she had begun her plan, she couldn't help but notice- when Blair and Nate got inside. Upon seeing them enter the room, the Captain's face lit up, and he put down his newspaper.

"Blair! What a nice surprise!" he gave Nate a pointedly appraising look that Blair couldn't help but notice.

She tried to smile at the two adults, saying, "How are you?"

"We're great- Just great," the Captain replied appreciatively. "And how's your mother?"

Blair contemplated screwing with them and telling him that her mother had checked herself into a mental hospital and was demanding the Archibald family have a second child, name it American Idol, and give it to her, or their business deal would be finished. But, she hadn't gone completely insane yet, so she just told him that her mother was extremely busy, but fine all the same. This seemed to placate Captain Archibald, and he continued smiling. Because her husband was pleased, Mrs. Archibald smiled too. For a moment, Blair wondered if Nate's mother was in on the 'date-Blair-or-you're-disowned' deal as well.

Then she asked, "What are you kids up to?"

"We're going to do some baking," Nate laughed. "Like old times."

Blair was sure the Captain had very nearly wet his pants because he was so happy.

Mrs. Archibald said, "There's cookie dough in the refrigerator, I think."

As if a Upper East Side mother would know what the hell is in the refrigerator.

"Thanks," Nate said, and he led Blair into the kitchen.

Once in the privacy of the expansive kitchen, Blair became aware of the uneasy feeling that was eating at her stomach again. She had been sure that being in the Archibald kitchen, baking, just hanging out, would make her feel better, but it wasn't. The idea had eased the tension in her mind and body for several minutes, but now it was back, and the kitchen wasn't helping. She dove into the baking with fervor though, insisting on cutting the packaged dough perfectly, and then placing them all on the cookie-sheet in exact patterning and spacing. Nate just watched her the whole time, a faint smile on his face. It was while she was working on the second sheet of dough-lumps that Nate came up from behind her and put his arms around her waist. She tensed up automatically, even edgier now, but he didn't seem to notice. He rested his chin on her shoulder, and slid over to kiss her neck.

Whispering in her ear, he said, "I haven't been able to stop thinking about that night in France."

She shivered in response- not from pleasure, but from nervousness.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in forever since then," he said, kissing her again.

Maybe because she hadn't seen him properly since France. For lack of trying though. He hadn't attempted to get in touch with her, and she hadn't tried to get a hold of him. It was clear to her that they were both only giving a halfhearted attempt at their relationship, and she almost laughed at how absurd it was that they were still together. He thought she still loved him and his father had insisted, so he kept trying. But she knew they both loved other people, so what the hell was the charade for?

Feeling almost dizzy from having not eaten a proper meal in days, and from the way her head was spinning through thoughts and ideas like lightening, she nearly fell over completely, wanting to give up. Instead, she managed to ask, "What time is it?"

Nate glanced at his watch, "Six ten."

She gasped, "Shit! My SAT tutor's at my house!" she wiped her hands on a dish towel on the counter. "I'm late!" she grabbed her coat and bag from the stool beside her and hurried out of the house, waving good-bye to Nate's parents before she finally escaped to freedom.

But Blair didn't really care if she was late for Elsie. Elsie could shove her prep books down her throat for all Blair cared at that moment. She had only used the tutor as an excuse to get out of the Archibald house and away from Nate. And, instead of walking the few blocks home, she got into a cab and asked to be dropped off somewhere else.

It was dark outside when she got to Tiffany's, but that didn't matter. Immediately, she walked inside and examined all the glittering jewelry through their glasses cases.

Every phone call from her mother was ignored. Every thought about Elsie or the SATs, or math or English had disappeared from her mind. Instead, she looked at the arrangements of engagement rings, and imagined scenarios in which her future husband proposed to her- with each different ring in each different scenario- in some hopelessly romantic way.

The only problem was, that when she tried to imagine her future husband, she kept seeing Nate, and then Dan. She settled on Prince William, because that was easiest, and she continued to daydream, choosing to ignore the drama in her life, rather than face it head-on.

So what is she going to do when she does have to deal with said drama? Sheer entertainment is bound to ensue.

**Author's Note:** Next chapter will be the Winter Formal! Ah! I made sure I had this chapter finished and posted today, just because of the season premiere tomorrow (is everyone- depending on where you live- having it premiere tomorrow?). Regardless, I'm freaking out for the new season! We'll have to wait and see how it turns out! Also, hope you liked chapter twenty! Thanks for reading, and reviewing is always greatly appreciated!


	21. Stop and Stare

**Author's Note: SPOILER WARNING FOR GOSSIP GIRL SEASON TWO IN THIS NOTE!** I'm not a Chuck/Blair fan, by any means, at all- Like, the relationship kind of makes me cringe- but, they were intense in these past two episodes. And if there was any other relationship I could ship besides Dair, it would be Derena! But rest assured, Dair is still my number one! What did everyone think of the season two episodes though? I want everyone's opinions! Enjoy chapter twenty-one (sorry it's a mammoth chapter!). Reviewing is always appreciated!

**Chapter Twenty-One**  
"This town is colder now  
I think it's sick of us  
It's time to make our move  
I'm shaking off the rust  
I've got my heart set  
On anywhere but here  
I'm staring down myself  
Counting up the years  
Steady hands,  
Just take the wheel  
And every glance is killing me  
Time to make one last appeal  
For the life I lead."  
-OneRepublic

It would have been asinine for anyone attending Constance Billard or St. Jude's to think that the Winter Formal was actually going to be held at either school. It was an event for Upper East Side high-schoolers- therefore, it was paid for by the parents of said Upper East Side high-schoolers. And because it had been planned by the very picky senior girls on the Constance Billard student council- and because the school didn't actually have to pay for it- they insisted it be held somewhere chic and elegant. So, of course it was somewhere exactly that- elegant, modern, and incredibly expensive. Somehow, they managed to book themselves the rooftop eventspace of the Tribeca.

Had Dan not received a flyer, promoting the Winter Formal, like the rest of the schools' students, he would have assumed it was going to be held in one of the school gyms. But the ice-blue paper had told him otherwise. So, Tribeca it was. But because Dan had refused to take a limo, he had to take the subway all the way from Brooklyn, to the Upper East Side, in a suit. Better yet, he had to walk to The Palace from the subway stop, go up to Serena's family's suite, and make small talk with her mother while he waited for his date to be ready.

Poor baby.

"Is your sister going to the formal, Dan?" Serena's mother asked as they stood awkwardly in the living room of the suite.

Dan's lips twitched into a fraction of a smile, as he said, "Yeah- She took a limo with a group of her friends."

"How nice," Lily van der Woodsen replied politely.

They stood in silence for a few moments, and Dan contemplated stabbing himself with the chopsticks in the woman's hair, hating the awkward silence, and dreading the whole evening ahead of him.

That was when Serena walked into the room. She was dressed in a floor-length dress, made of candy-pink silk. It was empire-waisted, with an intricately woven bust, and a skirt that fell around her in waves of softly pleated fabric. Along with this dress, Serena wore her hair in an elegantly messy ponytail, with strands of hair framing her face. She looked beautiful, he wasn't going to deny that, but his heart ached when he thought of the fact that she was his date, and Blair wasn't.

Serena smiled at him, shyly, as she walked into the room, holding a white, fur capelet in her hand.

"Hey," she said, and he caught sight of the small, diamond, chandelier earrings that were dangling near her throat.

He tried to smile, feeling like he was playing a part, "You look beautiful," he told her.

Her smile widened and she slipped on her fur capelet, buttoning it at the throat. Grabbing a pink and white clutch, she hooked her arm through Dan's and steered him toward the door, calling, "Bye Mom, see you later!"

They entered the hallway and Serena began chattering away excitedly- about hanging out with Blair and Nate when they arrived, about dancing all night, about how she hadn't seen Blair's dress, and how she didn't mind that they were taking a taxi.

That was when Dan realized just how long the night was going to be.

* * *

Blair was pacing around her bedroom when her cell phone rang.

"Hello?" she whipped the phone to her ear.

It was Nate: "Hey Blair, uh- we're downstairs... Did you want me to come up?"

"No!" she responded- almost too quickly- hastily masking her nervousness with a laugh. "I'll just be right down."

Blair hung up and began to pace again. She made her way over to her closet and stepped inside. Flipping the light on, she scrutinized herself in her full length mirror.

She had finally found a dress at a designer boutique, hidden between a bookstore and a bank. The dress was long, stopping at her ankles- a dress that was reminiscent of a Greek goddess. It was sheathed in a way that made it drape, but carefully enough to show her figure and not look like it was made from a bed sheet. On the contrary, it was made of rough silk, the deepest purple she could have ever imagined, look elegant and lush. And with it, she wore silver stilettos, and a diamond-studded silver band in her hair, fixed behind the carefully French-rolled sides of hair, pinned to the back of her neck as a intricately, delicate bun. She felt put-together, but did she look beautiful enough to get through the night?

Finally, she took a deep, shaking breath, nodded to herself, forced a smile, and switched off the light. She grabbed her metallic clutch and a little shawl designed by her mother, and hurried out of the apartment. Her mother was in her office, talking about a shoot with her assistants, and she didn't even realize Blair was leaving until the elevator had hummed to life. And once inside the lift, Blair had to give herself a pep talk.

_What does it matter if Dan will be there? You don't even have to see Dan_, she began shaking at the very thought of him. _It doesn't matter if this was the night you were going to reveal everything to everyone- you're not doing that now, so there's no reason to feel so fucking nervous!  
_  
But she couldn't help it- she was trembling with anxiety, and she was sure her throat was tightening, because she couldn't breathe, and she felt as if she was going to throw up.

She reminded herself that she could leave if she wanted. She had to tell herself that she probably wouldn't even see Dan all night. Just because he was going to be there with Serena- she could ignore them both.

"Good evening, Miss Waldorf," Peter the doorman said when she arrived on the ground floor and he opened the door for her. "You are looking very beautiful this evening- More so than usual."

His kind words didn't ease the tension building up in her body, but she tried to give him a smile.

As she exited the building, and he walked across the sidewalk with her, to open her door, he asked, "Is Mr. Dan in that limo, waiting for you?"

Blair froze, and Peter looked at her questioningly, with his hand on the handle of the limo door.

The doorman had seen them together. The doorman knew Dan. She felt sick, like the heavens were sneering down on her, trying to screw her over, and watch her flinch. She was almost tempted to tell Peter about what happened with Dan- to get someone's advice. Instead, she just shook her head and attempted another smile.

"No, not tonight," she managed to say.

"Well, tell him I said hello the next time you see him," Peter replied with a polite smile, opening the door for her.

She just gave him a charming little nod and slid into the limo.

Blair's senses were immediately bombarded. The limo reeked of alcohol and cigars, and there was smoke wafting into her face from Chuck's stub of a Cuban. Horrible rap music was pumping through the speakers, causing the seats and floor to vibrate, and for her head to throb. She looked around, past the champagne flutes littering the floor and the cigarette butts lying around, to the people within the limo itself. Nate was sitting beside her, smiling nervously in a tux. On the side seats were Chuck, Kati, Isabel, and Chuck's date- some girl named Irene, from Connecticut. They were already drunk and sloppy and annoying, singing loudly, dancing in their seats, falling over one another, and generally pissing Blair off. She gave them all an impatient smile, that fell from her lips within seconds, and settled into her seat.

"Are you okay?" Nate leaned in and asked, and the music was loud enough that no one else heard.

With her arms folded over her chest, she snapped "I'm fabulous- Chuck, would you mind tapping on the driver's window and telling him we're ready?"

Chuck did knock on the glass, asked the driver to go to Tribeca, and, finally, they were on their way.

Although the very thought of Dan made her stomach twist, Blair was curious and obsessed, so, she shouted over the music, "I thought Serena and Dan were coming with us in the limo?"

"Yeah- Serena said Dan didn't want to take a limo or something," Nate shrugged as he leaned in and said this close to her face.

Blair couldn't help but note the fact that he smelled like pot, and his eyes were glassy.

Nate seemed to be happy though, he was smiling easier now, and his body wasn't so tense. Though Blair wasn't one to get high, she had no objection to alcohol.

"Chuck, do you have anything stronger than champagne?!" she shouted.

He gave her one of his leering looks and produced a bottle of vodka from the little refrigerator in the backseat. "You don't mind if it's chilled, do you?" he asked.

Blair grabbed the vodka, "I don't care if it's fucking frozen," she snapped, spinning the top off and taking a long swig from the cool glass bottle.

Well, that's one way to ensure the night is fun. Although, I don't think she has the same idea of fun as the rest of us.

* * *

When Dan and Serena arrived at the eventspace of the Tribeca, they were shocked by a display of white... Everywhere. The floor was covered in a dusting of sparkly white snow. The tables were covered in white linens. Icicle lights hung from the ceiling, twinkling on and off. White Christmas trees were set up around the space, adorned with silver baubles and tinsel. Silver menorahs were also placed on several times, glimmering with bleached-white candles. Huge snowflakes sparkled from where they hung from the ceiling. Everything was wintry and white.

Dan almost wanted to comment on the fact that it was only the beginning of December, and the holiday decorations were a little overkill- it hadn't even snowed yet. But he kept quiet. He felt like the comment would have been something Blair would have found amusing. Serena, on the other hand, was a totally, completely different story.

"Omigod! Look at those little candles!" she gushed. "And those Christmas trees!"

Why did she always find everything so wonderful and perfect? It was great sometimes, but other times it was ridiculous.

"Let's find a table!" she smiled brightly, grabbed his hand and pulled him to a table in the corner of the room, near the window-wall that offered a panoramic view of the city skyscape.

Everyone was already at the formal- and the majority of them were already on the dancefloor- except for Nate, Chuck, some of Serena and Blair's friends, and Blair herself. They sat at the table silently, looking around awkwardly, trying to figure out something to do or say. It was almost painful. Dan cleared his throat.

Serena sighed, "I wonder where Nate and Blair are."

Good question.

"Do you want to dance?" Serena asked suddenly, as if she had just had an epiphany.

Dan looked at the dancefloor. It looked about as tempting as a lava pit.

Frowning, he said, "Not right now- But you go on if you want to."

"No!" Serena laughed. "I'm not going to leave you here! I'm not in that big of a mood to dance anyway."

Dan nodded to himself.

"Dan! Serena!"

The two turned and watched as Jenny approached them, dressed in a dark green dress, with her hair hanging around her face in loose waves. She was grinning as she sat down at their table. Dan could have hugged his sister. He was sure he had never been so happy to see her in his entire life.

Smiling, he said, "Hey, Jen. Having fun?"

"A blast!" she enthused. "Are you guys going to dance?"

"In a little," Serena replied. "Your dress is great! Where'd you get it?"

Just as his sister was replying- that's when he saw her.

Blair walked into the eventspace on Nate's arm, causing Dan to feel as if he had been punched in the gut. She was in an elegant and sweeping dress of a deep, royal purple, and her hair looked delicate and regal, swept up and pinned back. In her hand, was her shawl and her clutch, and she peered around the room, as if looking for someone. Dan was sure he had never seen her- or anyone, for that matter- look so elegantly beautiful, and she quite literally took his breath away.

Too bad she's on someone else's arm.

* * *

Blair didn't realize she was scanning the crowd for Dan, until Nate asked, "Looking for someone?" teasingly.

He had no idea what he was even asking.

Blair was beginning to feel the buzz of the alcohol, working its way to her brain, and she smiled pleasantly at him, her eyes misty and bright. Turning to look through the crowd again, she spotted Serena waving them over frantically from a table on the outskirts of the main floor. Beside her, at the table, was Dan. He was dressed in a tux, looking every bit as handsome as Cary Grant, except completely familiar and wonderful. He was staring at her though, with his eyes still and his mouth hanging open a little. Without thinking about it, Blair dragged Nate toward the table, making eye contact with Dan the whole time.

"You guys are finally here!" Serena said happily, her face broken into a grin.

"Yes, we are," Blair said, forcing a cheerful smile. "Have you guys been here long?"

Dan replied before Serena could, "Not too long," he said it coldly.

Blair swallowed.

_Do you just want to end_ us_, and act like it never happened?_

Dan's words echoed in her ears, and her palms went sweaty. She let go of Nate and draped her shawl on the back of a chair at the table. Clutching her purse in her hands, she smiled and said, "Excuse me for a moment- I need to use the restroom."

As she walked away, Dan briefly wondered if she was going to throw up.

But when she got into the bathroom, she managed to keep her lips pressed tightly together. She went through her bag with shaking hands, grabbing her lip gloss and slicking the wand over her lips. The other girls in the bathroom were giggling and talking shrilly, and Blair wanted to snap at them and tell them to leave. She maintained her composure though, pretending to fix her hair and smooth out her dress, while she really tuned the girls out and tried to regain some form of confidence and control over herself.

Dan.

She thought about him, and her heart nearly broke.

That was when realization set in. She didn't care if Dan had kissed Serena. Whether he had the same feelings for her or not, she still loved him and she wanted him to know. Staring at herself in the mirror, she decided that she would tell him everything tonight- she wouldn't leave one thing out. She would tell him about the Nate and Serena plot she had had, about how she felt differently about him now, about how she was sorry, about how she loved him. Somehow, she would drag him away from everyone else and she would tell him everything.

Good luck with that one.

* * *

By the time Blair arrived back on the main floor, dinner was already served. She made her way back over to the table where Nate and Serena were (of course) happily eating their gourmet meals. Dan, on the other hand, was staring at a plate of very little food, looking as if he was contemplating throwing the chicken out the panoramic-view windows- or at Serena and Nate, who were laughing and talking loudly.

Blair sat down in the free seat, where a plate of salad greens and plain chicken was waiting for her.

"I hope you don't mind that I got your food for you," Nate said, looking proud of himself.

Attempting a smile, Blair said, "It's fine. Thanks," and she began to poke and prod the chicken with her fork.

Dan watched with mild irritation as Blair played with her food. He didn't know if it was Nate getting Blair's food, or the way they had walked in together, arm-in-arm, but Dan was getting increasingly annoyed. Maybe it was because Serena and Nate were so blatantly flirting, or maybe it was because he just couldn't stand the misunderstanding and secrecy in his and Blair's relationship. Whatever the reasoning behind it, he found himself too angry to eat, too confused and annoyed to swallow the food he was cutting up and stabbing, too angry with Blair to actually be able to worry about her. Instead, he settled for mutilating the poultry in front of him, absently listening to Serena and Nate's chattering, wondering what Blair was thinking about.

"Blair, does your dad still make that amazing lemon-pepper chicken?" Serena gushed, her eyes wide with wonder as she sawed at her meat. "That stuff was amazing."

Blair looked up, "Yes, he still makes it," she said, as if Serena was a moron for even questioning it. "He made me some last week," she put in absently.

"Was that before or after I got there?" Nate wondered, innocently enough.

Blair felt the heat rise to her cheeks- did Dan know Nate had come for a visit in France?- and said, "After you had left."

And just like that, something in Dan snapped.

"That's right," he said, trying to keep the acid out of his voice. "Serena mentioned that you went to stay with your dad last week- How was it?"

Blair looked at Dan carefully, knowing full-well that he was angry, that there was a double meaning behind his words. Slowly, she said, "It was just fine, thanks."

"You know- it's kind of funny, but Jenny and I were talking about some Audrey Hepburn movie the other day, and it reminded me of Blair visiting her dad in France," Dan said, as if it was the funniest coincidence in the world.

Serena smiled, "What movie?"

Narrowing her eyes at Dan warningly, Blair listened as he continued.

"You know, the one where Audrey's character is having an affair with her best friend's boyfriend, and they get to a pivotal point in their relationship and Audrey runs off to France," he gave Blair a sweet-enough smile, feeling as if all the hostility he had held toward their secret affair was rushing to the surface now.

Serena knotted her eyebrows, "How does that remind you of B?"

"Oh, well, she goes to Lyon- that's where your dad lives, right Blair?" he met her eyes.

She knew exactly what he was doing. He was trying to snub her in front of everyone- to unleash his pent-up anger in front of a crowd- without anyone even realizing, except her. All her confessions of love were forgotten for the time being as her forced smile turned to a look of disgusted shock. She wouldn't allow him to do this, he wouldn't get away with it.

With a carefree smile, her eyes blazing, she said, "That wasn't an Audrey Hepburn movie- you must be thinking of Marilyn Monroe."

"No, I'm sure it was Audrey," Dan said easily enough, his eyes bearing into hers across the table.

"I'm sure you're thinking about that movie with _Humphrey_ Bogart- the one where he's having an affair with his girlfriend's best friend, and _he_ drives her away to Lyon because he goes totally _insane_ with accusations and moronic little tricks in _public_!"

Dan's eyes flickered across the table and he smirked, "No. I'm sure it was the one with Audrey being a little control-freak."

"Audrey's not a control-freak. Humphrey was just being a moron," she smiled sweetly, with a victorious look in her eyes.

Serena cut in, "What movie are you guys even talking about?"

Dan and Blair stared at each other.

"Can't remember the name of it," Dan said stoically.

Blair shrugged, forcing a light laugh, "Me either."

The table descended into silence again- this one was even more awkward- stranger than the rest. At this point, Serena and Nate had an inkling of an idea that something was going on between Blair and Dan, but no one would say anything about it. Instead, Blair and Dan sat, staring at each other, playing with their food no longer. Blair new he was angry, and she felt so destroyed because all her plans of confessing the truth to him were ruined- she didn't even feel all that triumphant for standing up to herself where his little snubbing was concerned. And Dan was convinced that Blair was just being her usual self- a self-righteous bitch who had to be in control. They still loved each other, somehow, but, it was as if things were coming to a head.

"Would you excuse me?" Blair stood up again, grabbing her shawl and her clutch, marching across the dancefloor, and up the stairs that led onto the roof.

All she wanted was some peace and quiet, and she knew she wouldn't find that in the bathroom.

Well, she's definitely not going to find peace back at that table. She won't lack for a whole lot of quiet though.

* * *

Back at the table, Dan, Serena, and Nate had fallen into an awkward silence. Things were so visibly strained, that Dan couldn't bear to look at either of the two. He settled for moving the silverware around the table, allowing Blair's jibe about 'Humphrey Bogart' to settle in his mind. And even though he wasn't looking directly at anyone, he saw Serena look over at Nate, out of his peripheral vision, and it made his already volatile anger increase tenfold. Nate and the blonde stared at each other, alienating Dan to the other side of the tension-barrier, as if he was the one guilty of creating such horrible awkwardness.

Well, he kind of is?

"Blair was probably right about that movie," Serena said, trying to be helpful or something. "She knows everything Audrey Hepburn."

Dan almost wanted to laugh out loud at her oblivious ignorance.

Turning her happiness to maximum capacity, she gushed, "We should dance!"

The last thing he wanted to do was dance.

"Maybe in a little- I'm not feeling very well," he replied.

Serena's face fell for a moment, clouding over with confusion and angst. Of course Dan felt bad for being such a horrible date and kind-of boyfriend, but what could he do? He loved someone else, and she just happened to be the blonde's best friend. He wanted to tell Serena the truth- to take away the disappointment from her eyes- but that would involve hurting Blair and betraying her trust. And even though he was furious with the brunette, he knew he couldn't betray her that way.

Nate, attempting to be the knight in shining armor, suggested, "I'll dance with you, Serena."

And just like that, Serena's face switched back to ecstatically happy. "You don't mind, do you Dan?"

"No, go right ahead," he said easily, and the two stood up, making their way onto the dancefloor.

Dan could only endure five minutes of watching the pair bump and grind to some obnoxious techno-charged rap mix, before he had to look away. He tried to focus more carefully on refolding the napkins around the table, but he found his thoughts were trailing back to Blair. Where was she now? Was she okay? Had he really upset her with his slight outburst? Did she think they were over? The last question made him a little anxious. Yes, he was angry- but he didn't want things to end between them until he knew for sure that she would ignore his ultimatum.

Without contemplating it, he stood up and walked across the room.

He was going to find Blair, and he was going to give her his ultimatum- no matter what the circumstances were.

**Author's Note:** Eeeeeeek! I'm so sorry I ended it on a slight cliffhanger! I had intended on having all the drama of the Winter Formal packed into one chapter, but if I did that it would be about twenty pages long, and everything would be rushed and empty. So, I've split it into two chapters. The next chapter will be up fairly quickly! Hope you liked it!


	22. Look What You've Done

**Author's Note:** Thanks for all of the reviews! Here's the second part of the Winter Formal! Eeeeeek! Allow the immense drama to ensue!

**Chapter Twenty-Two**  
"Give me back my point of view  
'cause I just can't think for you  
I can hardly hear you say  
What should I do, well you choose  
Oh, look what you've done  
You've made a fool of everyone  
Oh well, it seems like such fun  
Until you lose what you had won."  
-Jet

On the rooftop terrace, overlooking her familiar city skyline, Blair shivered violently, trying to concentrate solely on her broken breathing.

The December night was unforgiving and dark. The sky was sharp, with each star seeming to be a stab-wound of light in the pitch-blueness of the atmosphere. A relentless wind, cold and constant, pushed her wrap around her, allowing it to provide little protection. The lights of the city and its traffic were bright and clear from where she stood, but she couldn't appreciate the beauty of it. Goosebumps were covering her skin, and she was shaking almost painfully. Not only did she think about freezing physically, but she thought about the coldness in what Dan had said and done in front of Serena and Nate at dinner, and she nearly collapsed in a frozen, sobbing heap.

"Blair."

Freezing, with a slick dread lining her stomach, Blair turned slowly, as if the longer it took to turn around, the more likely Dan would disappear. But he wasn't going to vanish. He saw how violently she was shaking in the cold, and how delicately beautiful she looked, and he found himself walking towards her, unable to maintain his actions. And she just stared at him, hardly believing he was drawing nearer to her. Feeling her breath catch in her throat, Blair squared her jaw and rose her chin defiantly.

"I can't believe you'd actually even consider talking to me," Blair said icily.

Dan sighed, regretting his outburst in full, and he said, "Look, we need to talk-"

'Talk? We need to _talk_?" Blair took a step toward him, her voice raw with anger. "About what? About the fact that you pretty much said 'fuck you' in front of _everyone_?" When Dan tried to speak, she barreled onward, "Why didn't you just come right out and tell Serena and Nate that we're together!" She laughed, disgusted, and rolled her eyes, saying, "No Dan, we have nothing to talk about," she started to walk toward the door to leave the terrace.

Dan, however, would not allow her to leave, and he grabbed her wrist. Pulling her around so she was looking at him, he said, "Blair, I'm sorry- okay? I was mad and I wasn't thinking-"

"Mad about what?" she ripped her hand out of his grasp.

With slumped shoulders, he shook his head and said, "I don't know- I saw you walk in with Nate and I was just..." he looked at her pleadingly, as if begging her to understand. "I'm sick of being your secret."

Blair felt as if she had been slapped across the face, and her mouth dropped open in horror. "Dan, in case you forgot, you're here with _Serena_- The same Serena who everyone saw you kissing on GossipGirl!"

"Blair, don't-"

"No! _You_ don't!" she all but shrieked, pointing her finger close to his face. "How dare you dole me all of this crap about how you love me and about how you care about me- then turn around and hook up with her!"

Dan's anger was rising, but he kept his fists clenched and his breath even through his nose. He stared down at Blair, his eyes blazing violently, "You don't know what you're talking about."

"I saw the GossipGirl post! Don't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about!" she shouted, all the hurt of being betrayed by him and then snubbed was turning into a blind fury that she couldn't control.

Dan shook his head, "Blair, please let me explain-"

"Don't talk to me!" she shouted over him. "I can't believe you-"

"BLAIR!" his words were so sharp and loud that they stopped her. Instead of saying anything, she glared at him and crossed her arms. "I didn't kiss Serena. We were talking in the park and she kissed me- that picture was taken right before I pushed her away," he told her, speaking softly and calmly now.

She stared at him, hardly willing to believe him, but wanting to, more than she ever had before.

"How do I know you're telling the truth?" she managed to choke out, the tears burning behind her eyes.

Dan sighed and looked down, when he looked back up, he stared into Blair's eyes deeply, saying, "Blair, I love you- more than anyone I've ever loved before. You piss me off and stress me out, but I love you, I do, and I wouldn't hurt you that way."

Blair just stared at him, feeling a dry lump forming in her throat.

Reaching out and rubbing her shawl-wrapped arm in the chilly night, he whispered, "You have to know that."

Staring into his deep eyes, Blair realized that he wasn't lying, and nearly all of her anger melted away, leaving behind adoration and weakness. She could only nod.

"I'm sorry about the Audrey Hepburn comment," he said with a little smile.

Blair couldn't help but smirk in return, "Don't you dare accuse her of playing a bitchy control-freak ever again, Humphrey."

Dan laughed a little and cupped Blair's face gently in his hand. She leaned into his touch and he said, "I've really missed you."

"I missed you too," she whispered back.

Slowly, but wonderfully, Dan leaned in, and Blair followed his lead. Their lips met in a gentle kiss, filled with hesitation and wariness. It felt as if it had been so long since they had been together on good terms- had kissed or even touched- and they didn't want it to turn sour by rushed actions or false moves. But once the familiarity of the other person came into realization, the kiss deepened slightly. Blair wrapped her arms around Dan's neck and pulled him tight, relishing the feel of his body and his scent as she allowed his tongue free range of her mouth. For the first time, in what felt like forever, she felt weak and shaky, but in a delicious kind of way. Dan pulled Blair closer to him as well, wrapping his arms around her waist, trying to provide her some warmth as her thin body shivered in the frigid night air. She nearly sighed in contentment at the feel of his arms around her, wanting to cry she was so happy.

When Blair pulled away she looked at Dan fiercely, he smiled down at her crookedly.

That was when Dan realized he needed to give Blair his ultimatum now, before he lost his nerve. He loved her, and he wanted to give her this chance.

"I have to tell you something, Dan," she said though, ready to tell him everything.

He stopped her, "No, Blair, please- let me talk first."

She smiled, too happy to mind, "Okay."

Staring down at Blair, who was looking up at him with shining, hopeful eyes, Dan felt his resolve slipping. He was suddenly nervous. How could he give her such a scalding ultimatum when she was so happy? How could he stick her in that difficult position? But he knew that he would never forgive himself if he left the Winter Formal without resurrecting his dignity. In order to do that, he needed to give her his deal.

With his voice shaking slightly and his heart speeding up, Dan caressed Blair's cheek with his thumb, saying, "Blair, I want you to know that I love you- no matter what." He gave her a sad smile and continued, "I really hate to do this, but... Blair, I can't be your secret anymore, and I refuse to stay with Serena- or allow you to be with Nate- if we're going to be together."

Blair began, "Dan-"

"No," he cut her off, afraid he was going to stop himself from continuing further. "We're either _Dan_ and _Blair_- public- or we're... nothing at all."

Blair stared at him, with his hands grasping her arms gently. For some reason she felt as if she had been punched in the stomach. It didn't make sense, because she had been planning on telling everyone about them and being exclusive. But for some reason she felt winded and breathless. She could agree with everything he said, and tell him that 'yes, of course she wanted to be with only him and have everyone know!' but there was more to the the situation. She had to tell him the truth about her initial plan. She had to tell him that she had been using him in the beginning, but that she loved him now and that everything was different. If she didn't tell him the truth, nothing could be perfect for them- and that was all that she wanted.

Taking a deep breath, Blair said, "Dan, I understand what you're saying to me, but," she hesitated. "I have something to tell you too."

He waited.

"That day- at the Archibald's anniversary party- when I kissed you and pushed you into the taxi and took you to my house," her voice was shaking, and she found that she couldn't look him in the eye. "I told you it was because I had some kind of crush on you... I wasn't telling you the truth."

Dan stiffened, dropping his hands from Blair's arm to hang at his side. Whatever she was going to say, he wasn't sure he was going to like it.

Blair continued quickly, "I told you that because I wanted you to agree to see me. I-I wanted to have an affair with you, so I could tell Serena and Nate about it tonight and hurt them both th-the way they hurt me."

Every inch of Dan's body went cold. His anger was returning very quickly, but now it was combined with a deep aching in his chest. What was Blair saying exactly? That she never really liked him? that she made out with him, had sex with him, told him she loved him, spent so much time with him, and she never even liked him? She was just using him? He felt destroyed and upset, but all he could do was stare at her, beginning to shake, on-edge. And he watched as the fear clouded her eyes, and she rushed to speak again.

"Dan, please- Let me explain before you say anything-"

"Explain?" he said, his voice rough and low. "How do you explain that, Blair? That you used me to hurt two people who supposedly mean so much to you?"

Blair moved to take hold of his jacket but he backed away quickly, "It started out that way but, it's different now- Dan, _please_, let me explain!" she begged.

"You know, Blair, I thought I loved you," he said, his voice wobbling, "but now I'm sure I don't even know you," he shook his head. "I thought you were a different Blair Waldorf, but it's clear that you're still the same, manipulative scheming bitch you've always been. And you just played me."

She shook her head fiercely, trying to make a grab for him again, "Dan, please-"

"Don't touch me," he backed away again, inching closer to the door. "I- I have to go," he turned abruptly and hurried toward the door.

Blair rushed after him, calling his name. She was desperate for him to understand, for him to see how she felt, but he wouldn't slow down or listen. He managed to descend the stairs far more quickly than she could (which wasn't hard since she was in stilettos) and was halfway across the dancefloor before she was even in the eventspace again. And as she hurried after him, calling for him to slow down, for him to listen, she didn't even notice all the people staring and whispering around them, pointing conspiratorially, huddled around cell phones and Blueberrys.

Dan was headed-off by Serena and Nate, standing, looking furious, at their table again.

"Dan," Serena began, her voice shaking with anger. "When were you going to tell me?"

All he wanted to do was leave, but he managed to impatiently reply, "Tell you what?"

"Dan," Blair said, once she had reached their table. She grabbed hold of his arm, "You have to listen to me-"

"And you!" Serena snapped. "I thought you were my best friend. What is this, an eye for an eye?"

Blair glanced at Dan, who was staring at Serena, looking impatient and restless. She looked back to Serena and shook her head, confused.

Nate spoke up, "Blair, did that night in France mean nothing to you?"

A prickly panic was rising up Blair's throat, as an idea of what they could be talking about set in.

Carefully, she said, "What are you guys talking about?"

"Check GossipGirl," was all Serena said.

With shaking hands, Blair dipped her hand into her clutch and took out her phone. It took her a moment to get to GossipGirl's web site, and when she got there she saw the most recent post of the night:

**Lonely Boy and Queen B  
**  
_Hello, my little chickadees! I have an interesting piece of gossip for you all today. Truthfully, I would have posted this sooner, but some part of me didn't want to believe that our **B** would stoop so low in her own opinion. But there is too much proof to avoid this anymore. The pictures being sent in, the sightings- it's all too much to bear!_

_So, you've heard it here first: **B** and **D** are having an affair._

_Is it to get back at **S** and **N** for what they did to **B** last summer? Or are these two suffering from Romeo and Juliet syndrome? If that's the case, I hope they stay away from poison and 'happy daggers.' Poor little star-crossed lovers._

_I guess we'll have to wait and see what comes out of this._

_You know you love me XOXO,  
GossipGirl  
_  
And underneath the post was an array of pictures of Dan and Blair. One was of Dan walking into Blair's building, looking guilty. Another one was of Blair leaving the loft early in the morning. There was one of Dan and Blair embracing outside of her apartment. And there was even one of them leaving the Met and getting into a cab the night after Blair's birthday.

Blair looked up, feeling as if she was being strangled.

This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. It wasn't supposed to end up this way.

"Nate, Serena-"

"Blair, how could you do this to us?" Nate demanded.

Blair's mouth dropped open, and her panic turned to fury, "How could I do this to _you_? Have you maybe forgotten that you both screwed me over last summer? That you were my _boyfriend_ and you slept with my best friend?!"

Nate shook his head, "Blair, don't bring that up-"

"Why?!" she shrieked, oblivious to the crowd that was forming around them. "That's why I did this whole thing- That's why I was seeing Dan!" all of her anger and loss of control was spouting out before she could stop it. "I wanted to show you both what it felt like to be totally screwed over," she gave them a sickly smile. "It's not all that fun, huh?!"

Everyone was silent around them.

Serena was staring at her best friend, looking as if she was about to cry. Nate looked just about livid. And Dan looked from Blair, to Nate, to Serena, as if he was watching an infuriating car-wreck unfold before his eyes. So, Blair was finally telling everyone the truth. The lies were all out in the open, but he didn't feel any lighter. Instead, he felt heavier and worried. His stomach turned over anxiously and he tried to ignore the emptiness seeping into his heart.

As soon as Blair looked over at Dan, realizing what she had just admitted in front of a vast majority of the students attending Constance Billard and St. Jude's, she winced, swallowing hard. She couldn't take it back now, and maybe that was a good thing. Everyone knew the truth, and she felt less guilty for that, but when she looked over at Dan she saw the hurt in his eyes, and she felt her heart ache. There was a sharp edge to the sword of what she said. Sure, everyone knew the truth, and Serena and Nate had gotten what was coming to them, but the whole school now knew that she had only used Dan, and soon it would be up on GossipGirl. The two schools would think that she didn't really like him- that he wasn't really good enough for her. She wanted to apologize to him and tell everyone that everything had changed, right then, but she was cut off before she could.

"So, when you slept with me in France- that was just for, what, shits and giggles?" Nate asked maliciously.

Dan looked at Blair, his mouth dropping open, "You slept with him?" he didn't understand why he was so surprised- after all, she _had_ been using him- but this new piece of knowledge felt like a slap to the face.

"Dan, no- I didn't want to-"

"But you did, Blair. You had sex with him," Dan shook his head.

Blair wheeled around, "What the fuck do you care?" she snapped at Nate. "The only reason you visited me in France was because your dad's been telling you to stay with me! I know all about your problem with him- about how he's forcing you to date me because of the deal with my mom," she practically snarled at him. "So stop pretending like you give a damn!"

"I do care about you-"

"But you care about Serena more," Blair cut him off.

Serena looked bashful all of a sudden- like her anger had been overcome by embarrassment.

Nate hesitated, "Yes, I do. But Blair, I still love you-"

"Nate, you're about two months too late," she growled, putting a hand up as if to stop him. "Save your breath, please."

He closed his mouth and just stared at her.

Shaking her head, as if she was giving up, Blair shrugged, saying, "It's over, Nate. I don't want to be with you anymore."

There was a collective gasp from the group watching, as if they hadn't seen this coming. But Dan didn't hear them. He was still reeling from the revealing of what Nate and Blair had done in France. Not only did he feel empty from being used, but he felt as if the shell of his body had been beaten as well. He loved Blair- regardless of what she had done- and now this. Now he was suffering through the confession of this heinous falsity he had been living. Had she been lying when she said she loved him? Had their night on the roof of the Met been an act? Why would she have gone that far to prove something to Serena and Nate? And had she been lying on the roof just now, when they had made up? He couldn't figure it out, and he felt as if the room was spinning around him, way too fast for him to catch anything, or for him to comprehend what was going on.

The silence that fell around them was heavy- but also empty, waiting to be filled. What would happen next? Who was going to speak? The crowd that surrounded them watched in heated interest, waiting. Everyone had fingers poised over their cell phone keypads, ready to pound out the verdict to GossipGirl, once it was given. But none of the main four said anything. Blair and Nate stared at each other, and Serena and Dan stared at them.

Finally Dan, feeling as if he couldn't take much more of the drama that was unfolding, shook his head and said, "I'm done," and he put his hands up in the air, as if surrendering, while he navigated his way through bodies, toward the main exit.

"No! Dan, wait-" but the bodies were too close-knit for her to get through them the way he had.

The onlookers erupted in whispers and comments, like a buzzing behind Blair's ears.

Nate shook his head, "Even if I did do what my dad asked- I never meant to deliberately hurt you," he looked disgusted. Turning to Serena, he said, "Come on Serena, let's get out of her," and he took her hand in his, leading her out and away from the crowd.

Blair was left standing on her own, in the middle of the circling crowd of people. She looked around, watching as people typed the scene into their phones, whispering and pointing, talking behind hands and turning their eyes toward her. She was used to being the center of attention, but not like this- and she hated it.

"You can all go now!" she shouted. "The show's over- Get your own lives!" and she managed to plow through the crowd, and out of the building.

The moment she got into a cab and gave the driver her address, she sagged into the seat of the limo and felt her whole body droop.

What would happen next? she wondered. Everyone knew the truth- Serena, Nate, and Dan. She had done what she had intended to do, without even wanting to do it, and now she felt worse than before. Because, along with losing her forced-boyfriend and sort-of best friend, she had lost the boy she loved. And would Dan ever forgive her? Would he ever give her a chance to explain? It seemed highly unlikely, and she knew she shouldn't hope for it, as the memory of the hurt in his eyes came back to her. She wanted to scream and inflict pain on someone. It wasn't supposed to happen this way! She was supposed to be in complete control of the situation- it had been her plan! But now, this, with everything unraveling, falling apart, and working out in way she had only hoped would not occur. Was anything safe from GossipGirl, she'd have liked to know.

_I'll kill that gossip whore_, she thought miserably, weakly, as she sank further into the leather seats of the cab.

But all plots of revenge were forgotten, as her heart grew heavy and her chest constricted painfully. It was one thing to live without Serena and Nate for some time, but she couldn't bear the idea of losing Dan- for any length of time.

And as the Tribeca disappeared from view, the tears filled her eyes. She felt pitiful and weak as the hot water dribbled from her eyes, falling down her face, lingering at the corners of her mouth. The sobs came quickly- fierce and almost painful- and she didn't hold them back. The cab driver asked if she was okay, and all she could do was sob harder. As much as she wanted an ally to comfort her, she felt like she didn't deserve anyone's sympathy.

_What would happen next?_ she wondered again, feeling the anguish rip through her chest at the uncertainty of tomorrow.  
**  
Author's Note:** The silly putty has officially hit the fan! Oh, angst and drama and woe and craziness! Hope everyone enjoyed the chapter! Reviewing is always greatly appreciated!


	23. Another Little Hole

**Author's Note:** (Contains spoilers for Gossip Girl season two, episodes three and four) Wow! The reviews I received for the last chapter were quite complimentary (or frantic) and I appreciate all of them soooooo much! Hope you like this chapter (I've been writing a lot of it in my physics class... Brilliant idea, I know). Also, hope you don't mind a little more angst before the official end. And what did everyone think about 'The Dark Night' and 'The Ex-Files?' I think I hate Chuck even more- if that's even possible. But hey, Serena and Dan are done (yeah right! mixed feelings on that one), so Dan is available for Blair! And Lord Marcus got bounced, so, they're _both_ available! Maybe they'll date, as means of revenge to get back at the bitch Serena is going to turn into?! Wishful thinking... So anyway, here is chapter twenty-three! Enjoy!

**Chapter Twenty-Three**  
"No need to tell her, she knows  
That there's another little hole in her heart  
Each day, each dollar she knows  
It tears another little hole in her heart  
'cause she feels it happen, no doubt  
That there's another little hole in her heart  
This life can only leave us lonely,  
There's no tomorrow  
Just another little hole in her heart."  
-Aqualung

The weekend following the Winter Formal was a dismal one for Blair. She spent all of Friday night wallowing in her bathroom, with the shower and the faucet running cold water. She threw up and cried in intervals, feeling more out-of-control and hopeless than she ever had before. It was long after midnight when she yanked her hair out of its hold, pulled her dress off, scrambled into some sweats, and sank into bed, crying the whole time. And Saturday and Sunday were much the same. All she did for the two days was mope around. She would lay in bed, watching Nickelodeon. The only time she got up was to use the bathroom, get tons of food from the kitchen, or to throw up. She didn't shower, she didn't talk to her mother- who finally asked how the formal was, on Saturday night- she didn't even move to change the channel. The only other thing she managed to do was go on GossipGirl and weep at all the new pictures and information that were being posted every hour or so. Just when she thought the influx would stop, another person gained the courage and sent a picture, or piece of information, that they had harbored prior to GossipGirl's revealing.

So, Blair suffered through the weekend. And when Sunday night arrived, she contemplated skipping school the following day. Some inkling of her pride remained though, and she resolved to show up at school looking fabulous and unbothered. She wouldn't allow GossipGirl and a bunch of low-life high schoolers to tread on her so heavily.

WIth a livened passion in her actions, she got out of bed and marched to her closet.

Is she going to arrange her armor? 'cause I hear those Upper East Siders can be vicious.

She flung open the door with purpose and stepped inside. Because she had little choice, she put her uniform skirt aside, setting about finding something to go with it. Feeling as if her life depended on this choice, she peered at all of her things, thumbing through them with calculated movements. She finally decided on a delicately crisp button-up shirt with pleats, her Constance Billard tie, a red and navy blue striped sweater to go over it all, and a prim red and gold headband. It satisfied her enough so that she was smiling when she walked back into her room. That is, until she saw what was lying on her bed.

The unnamed cat stared at her challengingly, as it had been known to do since her return from France. It was almost like the cat wasn't going to be friendly with her unless things were good with Dan. This made Blair swallow- not because she was so afraid the kitten would dislike her forever, but because she was scared that she would never be on good terms with Dan ever again.

And just like that, she deflated all over again.

She missed him- she missed him so much. But he knew the truth now, and there was no way a guy as good as Dan would be with someone as horrible and selfish as Blair Waldorf- especially when she had used him.

She sank to the floor and began crying anew, with the kitten staring at her disapprovingly.

* * *

For Dan, the weekend following the Winter Formal lasted all of an eternity.

He returned from the Winter Formal, his emotions volleying between angry, upset, surprised, and disgusted. When asked how the event had gone, he told his father that it had been a disaster and that he didn't want to talk about it. At all. He retreated into his room, taking off his tux with slow, distracted movements. His mind was elsewhere. His thoughts drifted back to Blair, her confession, the betrayal, the upheaval of feelings in his chest. It was like a tornado had been set loose in his heart, and he had no idea where he could take shelter from its wreckage.

"Dan, we need to talk," Jenny said into his door when she got home.

By that time, Dan was laying on top of his bed, dressed in flannel pajama bottoms and a t-shirt, staring at a blank sheet in his notebook.

Tiredly, he said, "Jenny, please-"

"No, I want to know what the hell is up!" she all but shrieked.

Dan heard his father ask what was going on, from the other side of the door.

"GossipGirl just revealed to the whole world that Dan is having an affair with Blair Waldorf behind Serena's back!" Jenny huffed, as if she couldn't believe her brother was possible of such a crime.

Rufus said, "Ooooh," as if it was a nasty mess that he understood- but Jenny didn't- and that he sympathized with his son for. "Jen, let's leave him alone for tonight," he also said, and- luckily for Dan- Jenny retreated from the outside of his doorway.

So, Dan spent the rest of the night on his bed, staring at his notebook, unable to think of any poems to write. Long after Jenny and their father had gone to bed, he still lay in the dark. His sighs filled up the spaces around him, and he stared at the ceiling. He couldn't sleep- he couldn't ease his thoughts enough for relaxation of any kind to arrive- so he stayed up, thinking of bitter rhymes and epic tragedies of a young man who has his heart ripped out of his body by a tiny, vicious siren, without the man even realizing.

That's one way of art imitating life.

Eventually he fell asleep, but his sleep was fitful and uncomfortable. When he woke up on Saturday morning, he had a crick in his neck, he was still exhausted, and he got the feeling that he had a very strange or upsetting dream that he couldn't recall. His thoughts were plagued before he could even realize that he was awake, so he dressed quickly and left the house without eating breakfast.

He spent all of his Saturday walking around the city, taking random subway rides up and downtown, wandering into random shops, and listening to depressing music on his iPod. He felt listless and anxious. There was a weak, nervous feeling in his stomach, and he felt perpetually afraid of something he couldn't define. Even when he walked through the farthest reaches of Brooklyn- somewhere Blair would never be caught dead- he felt like he was going to see her, and that the gaping feeling in his chest would ache even more. Something about the mix of betrayal on her part- and the heaviness of the importance he had placed on her- made him feel as if he was going to fall apart. He was sure he had never felt so pathetic before, but that was the effect she had on him. As much as he wanted to be able to pick himself up and dust himself off- to be more angry than crushed, it wasn't possible. It was as if someone was ripping part of himself away and telling him everything he had ever known at been a lie. He felt lied to and weary, and he wasn't sure how he'd be able to bounce back and attend school the following Monday.

But Sunday was spent writing angry, depressed, frightened, and confused poems. Words flowed from his mind to the paper, making him feel as if all the thoughts and feeling inside of him had finally been released. And he felt better, but only slightly.

He would go to school, if only to prove to Blair that she didn't mean that much to him.

Even though it would be one big lie, he would seem unbothered.

* * *

The clouds were gray and the winds were sharp on that following Monday morning. An eerie darkness hung over the sky, making it seem as if it were really nighttime. Cabs and cars inched down the avenues, with the roads clogged from the influx of people refusing to walk in such threatening weather. But no rain fell from the sky, and no thunder sounded overhead. The heavy grayness stayed opaque above them, making everyone wonder what the day's weather would bring. Because of this wondering, only a handful of Constance girls were meeting on the steps of the Met, before seeking shelter inside their own school. Within this handful of girls, was Blair's (former?) posse. Serena, Kati, and Isabel stood on the steps, watching the cars pass by slowly, gazing longingly at the students scampering into the warmth of school, like woodland creatures into the forest before the storm.

"Miss Waldorf, I'm not permitted to park here," said the towncar driver from the front seat.

Startled into awareness, Blair looked to the driver, from where she had been staring at the girls from out the window, "Oh- Right," she said shortly.

Gathering her books and slipping her Chanel bag onto the crook of her arm, she opened the door herself and stepped into the angry gale of the Upper East Side.

_Angry gale_, meaning the wind or the people?

She had given it much thought before falling asleep the night before, and again on the way over. And now she did what she had decided to do.

With confidence in her step, and a self-satisfied smile on her lips, she marched up the steps of the Met, listening to the sound of her heels against the stone for support. Serena, Kati, and Is immediately turned and looked at her disdainfully, if not with surprise. But she continued to approach them, regal and most certainly determined. When she was on the same step as Serena, she stopped and smiled at all of them.

"Good morning," she said, trying to sound cheerful and commanding.

They stared at her.

She just stared back.

Serena curled her lip at Blair and asked, "Can we help you with something?"

Blair's heart sped up- she could feel it pounding in her cheeks and in her ears- and she felt her throat constrict. This was what she had been afraid of, but what she had been expecting. The girls were pissed at her, and they had all taken Serena's side. It had been wishful thinking to believe she could go up to them and they would act as if nothing at all had happened at the Winter Formal.

And now she had to fight back.

"No, except you could tone down the attitude," she said with an acidic smile.

"Why should I?" Serena took a step toward her, towering over the small brunette by a little more than a few inches. "It's not as if you even deserve my talking to you."

Blair scoffed automatically, "Do you realize who you're dealing with?"

"Yes," Serena said with a malicious smile. "I'm dealing with Blair Waldorf: the elitist hypocrite who had an affair with my boyfriend to screw over her best friend and her own boyfriend," she continued to smile, shaking her head. "Couldn't get more classy than that, could you B?"

Nearly snarling, Blair's pose grew infinitesimally defensive, "Don't pretend for _one second_ that you were even dating Dan. You were using him to forget about Nate, and you know that."

Serena stared down at Blair, looking as if she wanted to slap her.

"And don't go acting so self-righteous S, you were the one who had sex with my boyfriend in the first place," Blair smiled coldly. "Talk about classy."

"What's going on?" asked Penelope as she ascended the steps and reached the group, looking at Blair with disgust.

She was ignored, as Serena said, "Maybe I did have sex with Nate first, but at least I didn't act as if he was a piece of shit just because of where he lived," she shook her head. "Don't act as if you're in the right here, Blair."

Blair opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

Luckily, Serena cut across her before she could even make a sound, "And besides, I did what I did with Nate because he wasn't happy with you. Do you want to know why, Blair?"

In truth, some part of her did want to know why. But she braced herself for whatever Serena was going to say, as if waiting for a slap to the face.

"Because you're a high-maintenance, selfish bitch. You don't think or care about anyone but Blair," she curled her lip at her again. "He couldn't stand to be with someone so suffocating and needy. Just because you're life is so screwed-up you have to control everyone around you- You did it with Nate and turned him away, and then you used Dan for it. Who do you have now Blair? You've run everyone away from you-"

Blair was shivering and trembling- she couldn't take it anymore- when she said, "Stop it."

"Can't take the truth?" Penelope put in.

Blair continued to stare at Serena in horror.

"It's over Blair," the blonde said with a little smile. "You're not worthy of _Queen_- you're not even worthy of _friend_," and with that, the four girls turned and walked away.

Blair was left staring at the spot they had just occupied, stunned and hurt. Slowly, as if in shock, she turned and looked at the traffic passing on Fifth Avenue, hardly able to actually see the yellow of the taxis or the black of the towncars. She felt as if someone had just punched her in the throat, and she couldn't breathe or swallow. Serena- airheaded Serena- had just served her exactly what she was sure she didn't deserve, and she couldn't help but be floored. For a brief moment she contemplated jumping into a cab and going back home, to crawl into her bed and watch Audrey in _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ and forget about her own life. But then she realized that would just be excepting defeat, and Serena would love that, so, with her legs feeling weak and shaky, she began the short walk to school, trying to repair her wounded pride and her bruised ego.

Wonder if Lonely Boy is going to get so equally wounded?

* * *

For some unfathomable reason, Dan was optimistic on his way to school.

Though Jenny wasn't speaking to him, and the subway ride and five block walk were tense and awkward, he felt confident. He believed, that, at worst, the school day would be uncomfortable. People would ignore him- like they had before he had gotten involved with the Upper East Side kids. No one would confront him and make a big deal about what had happened at the Winter Formal.

What, is he new at this or something?

Upon arriving at the school, Jenny hurried away from him, and he ascended the stairs alone. All around him, people were pointing and whispering. He could feel the glares on his back, and a sense of foreboding fell over him. He tried to remain calm- to remind himself that this was going to happen. After all, he was a subject of extreme gossip, involving two of the most popular girls in the school. It would have been pointless to expect that he would be _completely_ ignored. But everyone seemed so disgusted or intrigued by him- and this, he wasn't used to.

"Traitor," someone hissed, when he had reached the top of the stairs.

He looked and saw that it was a freshmen, standing with a cluster of her friends, looking at him as if he was a criminal, shaking her head disgustedly.

Dan didn't acknowledge her. Instead, he continued into the building. But inside wasn't much better. As he walked through the halls, conversations ended and heads turned. People were huddled over their phones- looking at the latest GossipGirl installment, no doubt- glancing up to compare the pictures to the live thing. As he moved, he heard people whispering his name, Blair's, Serena's, Nate's. His chest felt tight and his fists clenched angrily. He was annoyed with the gossip-ridden students, but he was even more angry that he was being so publicly humiliated. Not so much because he cared what the Upper East Side high schoolers thought, but because he had been so hurt, and used, and everyone was aware of that, and of what he had done to Serena. Thus far, his act of betrayal to Serena had been overshadowed by his love for Blair, but now he was able to see how much of an ass he had been, on both of those accounts.

At the mouth of the girls' hallway, he saw Serena standing around with her friends before class. With determination and slight apprehension in his movements, he approached her.

Serena turned and met his eyes when Penelope nodded in his direction.

"Serena-"

Without allowing him to speak, she turned on her heel and disappeared down the hallway, with her friends following behind her, giggling and whispering to themselves.

Dan was sure the day had already been too long.

* * *

In gym, the boys were playing football. As usual, Dan played, but not as intensely as some of the other boys did. Today, however, he paid much more notice to the fact that Nate's gym class had meshed with his. He cursed his luck and avoided the other boy all he could. But he couldn't ignore the glares he received from Nate, and the weight of the situation when they were placed on the same team.

It was in mid-play, when Dan had possession of the ball, and he was reaching back to throw it across the field to his teammate, when Nate ran into him and knocked him to the ground.

"Are you kidding me?" Dan grunted, pushing Nate off of him.

Nate had his forearm pressed against Dan's Adam's apple though, and he couldn't breathe properly.

"Nate!" the gym teacher shouted. "This is tag football! Besides, Humphrey's on your team!"

Getting close to Dan's face, Nate snarled, "How dare you fucking screw with Blair and Serena!"

"I didn't," was all Dan could manage, as he couldn't breathe, and he was trying to push Nate off of his throat.

"You were playing at dating Serena, while you were fucking with Blair," Nate said, low enough for no one but Dan to hear over their teacher yelling at them.

Dan was growing angry, and he threw all of his weight into pushing Nate off. He managed to wrench the other boy's arm away from his windpipe, and choked, "You don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, don't I, Brooklyn?" Nate hissed. "Blair might have been using you but you liked that piece of ass, didn't you?" and then Dan pushed him off, so he was knocked sideways and rolled onto the grass.

The gym teacher looked annoyed, "Boys, you can argue all you want after school- but keep the tackling and cursing off of my field."

Nate and Dan stood up, and as Nate was walking away, he slammed into Dan's shoulder, growling, "Even Blair is too good for _you_."

Dan watched as Nate crossed the field, and he felt a surge of anger pulsing throughout his body. Not only did he think that Nate had his whole story screwed-up, but he couldn't stand anyone believing he had stayed with Blair while dating Serena for 'that piece of ass.' He couldn't bear the thought of everyone in school thinking of him as a skeezy teenaged boy who just wanted all the action he could get. He had cared- and still, regrettably, did care- about Blair, and loved her with all of his heart. Sure, what they had done to Serena and Nate was wrong, but he hadn't been doing it out of malice- he had been doing it out of love. He knew that sounded pathetic, but it was the truth.

Blair, on the other hand, hadn't done it for any sort of feeling, other than the desire for revenge. He was convinced that, no matter what she had said or done, she had been lying to him all the time.

And as the gym class wrapped-up, Dan couldn't help wanting to punch someone in the face (specifically Nate).

Don't get so riled up yet, Lonely Boy- the day has just begun.

* * *

At lunch, the courtyard was packed.

From the doorway, Blair could see Serena, Penelope, Isabel, and Kati, sitting at a table, eating salads and yogurt, sipping diet Coke, laughing and talking as if they weren't missing a member of their ostentatious clique. She contemplated approaching them, and giving Serena the deadliest insult she could muster, but she couldn't scrounge up any words that weren't bitter and cynical in her own way. So, she stood and watched them.

Resolving, finally, that she wouldn't be pathetic and stand around for lunch, she decided to go to the cafe around the corner and buy her lunch and sit and call her father, or her grandmother who lived in Connecticut. She wouldn't sit by herself and be completely pathetic. But as she walked out of the door, to cross the courtyard and make her way to the other side of the building to leave, she was stopped short.

Halting, mid-walk, as well, was Dan.

They made eye contact, and Blair felt as if the whole world was crumbling around her. He was so angry still, and his eyes conveyed this. She took it straight to heart, and felt as if she was going to collapse. This separation between them was like nothing she had known before. She had never felt so empty without someone before, and it made her chest ache to be standing right before him, to be looking into his eyes, but not being able to have him hold her and stroke her hair. If she could, she would have explained everything to him in a nanosecond, but he looked so angry, that she found the words caught in her throat. And although her big, doe eyes were sad and pleading, he felt almost no sympathy for her. She had used him- had lied to him about everything- and for that, he couldn't help but feel like she deserved what was being dished out to her. Even with the anger though, he couldn't help but long to enfold her in his arms and forgive her for everything, to make everything okay, to make her big eyes sparkly with laughter. But, that's not what she wanted- right?- because he was sure that she didn't really feel that way about him.

"Dan-"

Before she could say anything else though, he had moved around her and left the courtyard.

Loudly enough for everyone in the courtyard to hear if they were listening (and they definitely were), Serena said, "Looks like _Queen B_ got showed up by her _peasant_."

There was some general chuckling around the space, and Blair tried to ignore them as she walked forward.

Someone stepped in her path, though, before she could get inside again, and she looked up.

"If you want, I have a shoulder to cry on and an empty stairwell for us to use," Chuck said, trying to speak in a lust-inducing whisper, close to her face.

Having no patience for him, Blair pushed him out of the way and went back inside.

So that was what things had come to? The only person willing to spend their lunch period with her was Chuck Bass- and only because he wanted to have sex with her in a stairwell when she was vulnerable?

She very nearly ripped her hair out as she exited the school and made her way to the cafe to plot some kind of plan of revenge or apology.

Blair Waldorf, apologizing to someone? My, how things have changed.

**Author's Note:** Sorry the chapter was so ginormous! Hope everyone liked it all the same! Also, the commentary for the first chapter of 'When it Rains, it Pours' is up on youtube now. You can find the link to my youtube page on my profile, or you can search 'pottersweetie' on youtube, if you do want to watch it. Really, it's me explaining the chapter and why I did stuff a certain way in it, and explaining the lyrics at the beginning, and me being random and goofy. I'm working on the second commentary, only I don't really have a voice right now, so it might take longer, I dunno. So, if anyone's interested in watching those commentaries they're available now! Thanks for reading! Reviewing is always extremely wonderful!


	24. Miniature Disasters

**Author's Note:** Guys, really, thank you for voting, I got a better handle of what you guys want and it was easier to work on the chapter without worrying so much. By popular demand (and because it worked out this way when I wrote it), a combination of **B** and **D**, and a little bit of **C**, is going to happen. I thought you guys would get a kick out of the idea of **A**, though there was a slim chance that plot line would actually ever happen (maybe as an amusing blooper/deleted scene chapter or something). Anyway, hope you enjoy the chapter! Also, thanks **Haley**, for working on the trailer! If you have school and everything don't worry about it, just work on it when you can and let me know when it's done because I'm so excited! Thanks again for voting everyone! And what about 'New Haven Can Wait'- craziness right?

**Chapter Twenty-Four**  
"Looks like I got to be hot and cold  
I got to be taught and told  
Got to be good as gold  
But perfectly honestly  
I think it won't be good for me  
'cause it's a hindrance to my health  
I'm a stranger to myself  
Miniature disasters  
And minor catastrophes  
Bring me to my knees  
Well, I must be my own master  
Or a miniature disaster will be...  
It will be the death of me."  
-KT Tunstall

On Monday night Dan endured Jenny talking to her friends on the phone, chatting about the fact that he had had an affair with Blair, and that he was such a jerk for screwing over Serena, and how everyone hated the brunette now. He simply laid on his bed, hands folded on his chest, grinding his teeth against each other, trying to stop himself from ripping the cell phone out of his sister's hand and throwing it out the window. Some part of him wondered why he wasn't glad everyone hated Blair, but then another part of him realized that she didn't deserve it. She had done what Nate and Serena had, initially done- so, why could everyone be hypocritical now? He clenched his jaw in anger. Why was it that Serena and Nate got so unfairly gained attention and sympathy, and Blair was left to ridicule and shame? Where was the sense in any of it? He wondered.

Mercifully, after a little more than a half hour of Jenny's anti-Blair/Dan commentary, his father knocked on the door and told her it was enough of the phone for one night, and so he gained some peace.

But despite the eventual silence of the loft, Dan had a hard time falling asleep, and an even harder time staying asleep properly. He woke up every hour or so, in a different position, with his sheets and blankets twisted around his body, feeling anxious and ill-at-ease. Every time he tried to go back to sleep, it felt like it took hours, and as if he couldn't find a comfortable enough spot on the bed, or a peace of mind to actually relax back into slumber. And when he saw the sky, turning a light salmon color, he was grateful and relieved.

Until he realized the morning also meant school.

He showered and dressed earlier than usual, taking great care in everything he did- not because he wanted to look especially good, but because it wasted more time to be particular. And by the time he was ready, looking over some notes for a test he thought he had that day, Jenny and Rufus were just rising from bed.

As Jenny went about her own shower, Rufus strolled into the kitchen, finding an already brewed pot of coffee- courtesy of Dan. Once he had poured himself a cup, he approached his son in his bathrobe, looking worried.

"Dan?"

Dan looked up, having been trying very hard to concentrate on the Great Depression, as opposed to Blair Waldorf, waiting for his father to say something.

Hesitantly, Rufus spoke, "You're up extremely early," he pointed out. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Dan said with finality, in no mood to actually speak his mind.

Sighing, his father sat down, and making Dan wince inwardly, before he said, "Look, son, I know the gist of what's been going on, and if you want to talk about it-"

"Dad, I appreciate what you're saying, but I really don't want to talk about any of it," he replied, unable to even allow his father to finish his sentence.

"Dan, I know that everyone knows about this thing with Blair-"

Dan cut across him, "Which is over."

"And that you're probably getting flack for it," he continued, as if his son hadn't burst into his sentence. "But maybe it's a blessing in disguise."

Rufus received a stare that questioned his sanity.

He smiled a little, amused, "Now that everyone knows, you and Blair can be together- and to hell with everyone else."

"Dad," Dan said tiredly. "Blair told me that she had been using me the whole time- to screw over Nate and Serena."

This managed to leave Mr. Humphrey speechless, before he managed to say, "What?"

"Yeah, she told me at the Winter Formal- before everyone found out about us- but she's been trying to play it off like it's not that bad, and that she's not a bitch," he shook his head, feeling disgust and hurt curdling in his stomach.

After a beat of silence where Rufus looked away from his son and thought, he said, "Have you actually sat down and talked to her about it? Did you at least hear her out?"

This surprised Dan, and he froze before shaking his head.

"You should probably do that before you make any judgments," he pointed out.

"Dad," Dan said, exasperated. "She _used_ me- That's the bottom line."

Rufus hesitated, then said, "_No_. The bottom line is what she feels now- what she _truly_ feels."

These words sent Dan's mind reeling, so he shook his head and stood up. Stashing his notebook into his bag and throwing it over his shoulder, he headed for the door, saying, "I'm leaving for school now- Tell Jenny I had to go in early for extra help," and he left. The walk to the subway stop was cold and lonely, and he nearly fell down the stairs because he was so distracted by thoughts of Blair and what his dad had said. Should he talk to her? should he give her a chance to explain herself? She had used him- _bottom line_- so what did it matter if she was sorry now? She was selfish, obviously, and that's all that mattered. But she had always been selfish, he reasoned, and that had never stopped him from loving her before. Impatient, he shook his head free of his thoughts, put his iPod volume on borderline deafening, and escaped into the underground labyrinth of subway stops.

But his father's words kept ringing in his head all morning.  
_  
The bottom line is what she feels now- what she_ truly _feels._

* * *

So, Monday had been disastrous. Blair hadn't been prepared for the backlash she had received, even though she should have expected it. She had allowed Serena and Nate to knock her down in front of the whole school, and she hadn't made any progress with Dan. The whole student body knew of her embarrassments and the ridicule, and she felt a painful shame for it. And at this point, she didn't know what to do. All of her energy was drained. She couldn't even think about wasting her time on seeking further revenge on Nate and Serena, or about attempting to apologize to Dan further- because it all seemed entirely too fruitless for her to endure. So, she got up in the morning and got dressed, ignored breakfast, went to school, and painfully made her way through her classes. After school she worked on her homework, fed her unnamed cat, attempted to eat something herself, and laid around in bed, watching cartoons until she fell asleep. She followed this routine again on Tuesday and Wednesday, feeling entirely isolated and depressed.

Her whole life seemed to be spiraling downward, and she was seriously contemplating spending the rest of the school year in France.

Dan was very much aware of the change in Blair.

On Monday, she had gone to school with a fiery determination fueling her forward. It seemed like she didn't care what everyone else thought- like she was going to be Blair Waldorf no matter what. But then he watched her deflate right before his eyes. Over the course of one night, she went from fiery to watered-down. Their eyes no longer met in the halls, but he still looked at her any chance he got. And she was closed in on herself, not smiling, not talking, just going about her day like nothing mattered, and nothing ever would.

It pained him to see her like this, but- he kept having to remind himself- she deserved this if she was going to use people to hurt others.

The proverbial bomb dropped on Thursday though- and it was the one thing that shook the foundations of Dan's dignity and Blair's last thread of strength.

During lunch, Blair remained in the cafeteria, sitting on her own, working on her homework, too tired to actually leave campus to go to her cafe down the street. Dan noticed this from where he stood, waiting in line for a water that he'd sip and a bagel that he wouldn't eat. It made his chest ache and his heart yearn to help her- to see her sitting on her own, not complaining, silent and composed, trying to seem oblivious to everything around her. But he turned away and tried to think of other things, refusing to cave into Blair Waldorf's innocence.

"Look who has decided to grace us with her presence."

Dan heard it from across the room, and he turned, seeing Blair continue to stare at her book as Serena stood over her with her now-cronies.

"Was the caf deemed worthy enough for you, _B_?" she cooed, causing the girls to giggle around her.

Blair looked up, albeit slowly, and stared at Serena with blank eyes. Hadn't her ex best friend had enough? Couldn't they just end this war and call it quits? She didn't have the energy or the emotional strength to deal with a confrontation in front of the whole cafeteria- and she wasn't sure she could deal with even more humiliation either.

Nate approached Serena, looking around, "What's going on?" he asked.

Dan's stomach clenched defensively, watching as Blair closed in on herself, afraid, but he stayed where he was.

"Oh, nothing really," Serena smiled. "Just talking to our dear friend B."

Nate smirked.

"She's decided to slum it in the caf today," Penelope put in snidely, and they all laughed a little at the idea of Blair Waldorf _slumming_ anything.

Feeling too outnumbered and defeated, Blair managed to say, "Can you guys just leave me alone, please? I'm not doing anything to bother you so just- go away."

This didn't seem to bode well with Serena because she smiled maliciously.

"You play this innocent poor-me card," she sneered. "When you're the one that fucked with _us_, Blair."

Something snapped within her and she smacked her open palm on her notebook, saying, "Okay! I get it, Serena! I hurt you guys! I did it intentionally but then tried to stop it! It all got screwed up and I'm _sorry_, okay?" she pleaded angrily. "I'm sorry!"

Serena's eyes were narrowed into slits now, the girls were all laughing as if Blair could possibly dare to say the things she was saying, Nate looked angry and amused, and the whole cafeteria was pretty much watching.

"But you did it intentionally, Blair," she said. "You used Dan and then you-"

"I know what I did!" she shrieked in return. "It was a mistake and I-"

Serena cut her off in return, "What, Blair? You what?" she shook her head in disgust. "You're sorry? Well, sorry doesn't cut it this time. You were having an affair with the guy I was dating to deliberately hurt us-"

"I think she gets it."

Blair looked up in surprise as Dan stepped in, almost standing between the group and her, as if shielding her with his body.

Serena looked taken aback, "Excuse me?"

"You've said it enough times, in several different ways- I think she gets what she did," he said solidly to Serena, though he was staring Nate in the eyes with defiance. He glanced back at Serena and said, "She's not doing anything, just leave her alone."

The blonde looked amused now, "I thought you had more dignity than that, Dan."

"Yeah, well, it's not about dignity," he said. "It's about decency- of which you're unfamiliar, I guess."

Nate stepped forward, "What was that?"

"You two act as if you're so scorned and hurt and betrayed, but- get real," he said, allowing the anger to roll off of his tongue in spades. "You're both hypocrites, you know that, right? You slept with each other and didn't tell Blair for months- and when she does something close you have a problem with it? If I'm correct- Serena, you didn't even like me, and Nate, you were just using Blair for your father's business," he paused, as they both looked away in semi-shame. "Take that into consideration the next time you decide to harass someone who doesn't deserve it anymore than you do," and with that he glanced at Blair, who was looking at him in shock.

He turned and walked away, heading toward the exit.

Blair was so stunned that she could only stare after him as he stalked away. She gathered her bearings shortly though, and leapt up from her chair, leaving her books and things behind her, as she raced after his retreating figure.

"Dan!"

She managed to catch up with him in the empty hall outside of the cafeteria, and he turned to her, looking tired and impatient. Despite his defense for her, he seemed like he couldn't stand the sight of her face.

He shook his head, saying, "What- What is it?"

Blair faltered, "I just- I just wanted to thank you," she said, trying to sound confident and sure. "You really didn't have to-"

"No, I didn't," he said easily. "And I shouldn't have, because you really don't deserve my sympathy."

She sucked in a breath then, feeling shocked.

"But you really don't deserve what those two were dealing you either," he amended.

"Dan, I'm so-"

He stepped away from her as she took a step toward him, saying, "I have to go," and he hurried away, unable to be so close to her for another moment without forgiving her for everything.

And Blair leaned against the wall in the hallway, taking deep breaths, trying to maintain control over herself, trying to stay sane. She wasn't sure how much longer she could endure seeing Dan every day, with him being so angry at her.

Because truthfully, she was sure she was a little bit more in love with him than before.

**Author's Note:** Okay, I know it was way short compared to other chapters- not to mention Nate and Serena are crazy psycho-bitches in this one- but it was kind of necessary for the story and everything. I hope everyone enjoyed the chapter! Let me know if you hated it! Hopefully the next chapter will be up sooner, though I can't make any promises. Thanks for reading and reviewing!


	25. Apologize

**Author's Note:** Hey guys! Sorry it's taken so long to update, but I've been really busy with school and everything. Since my last update though, the wonderful **Haley** has made and posted a trailer for 'When it Rains, it Pours'- it's featured on my youtube page, and from there you can check out her page and the rest of her videos, because she has some kickass Dair ones! Thanks everyone, for sticking with this story! Everything's wrapping up- I think there's gonna be two chapters and an epilogue until the end. So here is chapter twenty-five! Hope you like it!

**Chapter Twenty-Five**  
"I'm holdin' on your rope,  
Got me ten feet off the ground.  
And I'm hearin' what you say,  
But I just can't make a sound.  
You tell me that you need me,  
Then you go and cut me down....  
But wait....  
You tell me that you're sorry,  
Didn't think I'd turn around....  
And say....  
It's too late to apologize."  
-OneRepublic

It took all of Blair's strength of will to get out of bed and go to school on Friday morning. All she wanted to do was lay in bed and let herself be miserable. She wanted to cry and sob and stuff her face. She wanted to run the lines of 'Moon River' over and over in her mind until she binged- until she found herself on the bathroom floor, thinking only about the heaving of her stomach and the rawness of her throat. But, she knew that Audrey Hepburn would not stay in bed, ignoring the situation- and she knew that Dan would not forgive her any more if she stayed home and allowed herself any kind of luxury. Even if that luxury was allowing herself misery. So, she picked herself up, took a scalding shower, dressed in an outfit that was sure to inspire some confidence within her, and took a town car to school.

Fifth Avenue was backed up for a few minutes, and she had to endure sitting behind a garbage truck and a Mercedes, right beside the steps of the Met. The girls were all clustered around- sans Serena- talking and chattering. Being apart from them now, Blair could see just how obvious it was that they were putting on a show- how obvious it was that they thought everyone cared so much about them that theatrics had to be involved. She shook her head and looked away. How could she have ever allowed the most important thing in her life be attention and everyone else's envy? She could count a hundred things that were more important- fixing things with Dan, being number one.

Glancing back at the steps, Blair watched as Serena pranced up them, meeting the girls to dish out air-kisses and hugs.

It made Blair's chest ache to see Serena, to know things had fallen apart so horribly between them. Once upon a time they _had_ been best friends. Serena had been there for her through all her eating disordered problems, had been the one to make Blair loosen up and have fun whenever she was pissed or upset. And Blair had been there for Serena, offering a bed and a friend, whenever Mrs. van der Woodsen was ignoring her children for her latest boyfriends. But Serena had committed the worst crime a best friend could commit, she had sex with Blair's boyfriend while they were dating. And instead of coming clean and apologizing, the blonde fled. That was what had sealed the deal. Serena had abandoned the truth and her best friend, when Blair had needed her most. There hadn't been a phone call or an email, and because of this, Blair had never been able to let it go, no matter what she had said to Serena's face.

Nate also- she could never forgive him. Not only had he cheated on her, but he had gotten back together with her and had used her for his father's business.

But, looking at Serena talking with her ex-friends on the steps, made her start to think.

She couldn't ever forgive them for what they had done to her- but she couldn't help but want to fix things with them, even in the smallest way. Truthfully, she was sick of hurting people and sick of the lingering guilt. All she wanted was to be with Dan- and that wasn't possible right now- but, she could start with _deserving_ to be with him.

"I'm getting out," she said abruptly.

The driver turned his head and said, "Excuse me?"

"I'm getting out right here- just for a minute," she explained. "Can you park?"

"Uh- Yeah- I think- uh- there's a spot up there," he said.

She nodded, "Good," and stepped out of the car.

Her heart began to thump strongly as she ascended the steps with purpose, walking confidently on her Louboutin pumps. She focused on staring down her old friends as she walked, determined and nervous- but, finally, sure and prepared. Midway to them, they noticed her approaching and turned. Somehow, she didn't falter as they all stared her down, looking amused and disbelieving, trying to be intimidating and frightening. Blair realized, with a rush of adrenaline and exhilaration, that they had no negative affect on her anymore.

When she was standing on the same step as Serena, she stopped.

"Can I help you?" the tall blonde prompted.

Blair glanced at Penelope, Hazel, Kati, and Iz, all flanking Serena like soldiers. She said, "I'd like to talk to you- privately," she said. She continued before Serena could cut her off, "I'll meet you here, at four."

Serena sneered, "Excuse me but-"

"Look," Blair stopped her. "You can show up or not, but I'm giving you the option," and before Serena could say anything else, she turned and descended the steps, feeling empowered and strong.

Let's see how long that lasts.

**When it Rains, It Pour**

During second period, Blair was extracted from her math class by the vice principal, Mr. Hettinherr.

He exited the classroom and immediately began walking down the hallway. Blair followed him, confused.

"Are you prepared for your speech, Miss Waldorf?"

She almost stopped walking all together as she asked, "Speech?"

"Your speech- to thank Mr. Marrimen for funding the junior class trip to Washington D.C.?" he told her, looking nervous. "I met with both yourself and Mr. Spieltz last week," he also said, seeming as if he was just about ready to punch her if she _didn't_ remember.

So, she nodded confidently and said, "Of course."

But, she obviously wasn't ready to deliver any speech. She remembered said speech, and she remembered the meeting she had had with Mr. Hettinherr and the boys' class president, Carl Spieltz. And, truthfully, she had _meant_ to write the speech- but what with the drama with Dan, SAT prep, homework, the task of finding a dress for the Winter Formal, and the hellish ordeal that had followed Gossip Girl's and her own revealing, she had completely forgotten about writing a thank you to the man who was paying for the class trip of the year.

"Good," the vice principal sighed. "You'll be addressing Mr. Marrimen and the rest of your junior class during third period."

Blair felt as if she was going to throw up.

He seemed to notice the look of nauseousness on her face and he asked, "Is that a problem?"

She tried to smile easily and managed to say, "Not at all."

It was, however, a major problem.

_What the fuck am I going to do?_ she wondered. _Can I manage to bullshit this whole thing?_

We hope so, B.

**When it Rains, it Pours**

"Yo man, you know that scholarship case from Brooklyn's been boinking Blair Waldorf?"

Dan turned and gave the ignorant boy beside him a cold glare. The boy in question, however, was leaning toward Dan with a dopey grin on his face, staring at Blair, who sat in the row of student council members sitting on the stage. When he had turned back to realize who he was talking to, the boy got one look at him and- after allowing a look of surprise to adorn his face- laughed out loud. Once he had turned away to regal his friends with an account of the mishap, Dan turned back and studied Blair.

She was sitting between the boys' junior class president, Carl Spieltz, and the boys' vice president, Randy Peet. She looked confident and at ease in the bright lights of the auditorium, which was a great contrast to how he had last seen her- shaking with nervous anxiety, looking hurt and alone after he had defended her in the cafeteria and had all but stormed away from her in the hall. There was a smile on her face- a classic Blair Waldorf-I'm-up-to-something-but-only-I-know-what-it-is-and-I'll-make-you-think-I'm-innocent-smile. Carl turned and said something with a smirk, leaning close to Blair's face, making her laugh. Dan felt his stomach clench with jealousy- even though- oh yeah!- he hated Blair and was angry at her.

When he had shaken himself out of his thoughts though, Dan was able to simply wonder why the student council was sitting before the junior class, and what they whole assembly was about.

On the stage, Blair was smiling easily, laughing with Carl, and trying to seem genuinely unbothered. Really, though, she felt weak and shaky, as if she were going to throw up or cry. The lights above her were too hot, too bright, and she squinted into the audience, feeling her collar growing damp with perspiration. A loud wavering of chatter and laughter swept at her violently from her peers and she had to swallow with difficulty past the rising bile. The whole grade was watching her- all of the people who had seen or had heard all about her trying to screw over Nate and Serena- the same people who thought she had used Dan and didn't care about him- the people who were aware of all the ridicule Serena had placed on her, and all crap she had to endure. These people had all seen her dirty laundry, had watched it all aired out via Gossip Girl. If she screwed this up- if she embarrassed herself further- they would all know- the shame would be available for everyone to see and understand. And she would receive no sympathy.

Mr. Hettinherr was talking, explaining what the assembly was about, but she couldn't pay any attention to him.

What was she going to do? She could quickly compose a quick thank you for Mr. Marrimen, but-

"And now a few words of thanks from St. Jude's Carl Spieltz."

The auditorium erupted in applause for the good-humored jock that everyone loved. Everyone clapped and cheered, except Dan, who sat and stared at Blair, his eyebrows set and his jaw tight.

When would this perpetual feeling of anxiety and edginess pass? he wondered.

As Carl spoke easily, making jokes and smiling over charmingly at Mr. Marrimen- who was also sitting on the stage- Blair was becoming aware of just how many people were watching- of _who_ was watching her. She had worried about it a fraction of a second ago. It was her whole class- the entire junior class. All these people knew of her affair with Dan, and all of these people thought she didn't care about it.

Her heart began to pick up speed as she thought about what she could do.

When her time to speak in front of all the juniors came, she could so easily say whatever she wanted.

And what was the worst punishment she would get? Suspension?

She could deal with that.

Before she could even decide otherwise, Mr. Hettinherr was back at the podium, saying, "Thank you Mr. Spieltz. And now, saying thank you for the girls of the Constance Billard junior class- Blair Waldorf."

The applause for Blair was considerably less than Carl's, but she didn't care. She marched up to the podium with confidence and a folder- for show- and looked over her fellow class members with determination, but also resignation.

Dan didn't know why his heart was pounding as he watched Blair adjust the microphone so it was aligned with her mouth. Perhaps it was because he had seen her trying to fade into the woodwork of Constance Billard and St. Jude's all week, but had been failing at it horribly. Now, here she was, being thrown into the spotlight, like an animal pulled out of captivity, thrown into the wild, and then put into captivity again. But, he noticed how excited and visibly different she looked, also. He couldn't put his finger on it, but something was definitely different.

"First off, I'd like to thank Mr. Marrimen for generously offering us the funds for our class trip to Washington D.C. in the spring," she said first, clapping her hands and smiling as the junior class followed suit. "_I_ know that the opportunity to get out of the classroom and learn with my peers in the _world_, is one of the best experiences of school- and for that, on behalf of the girls in the junior class of Constance Billard, I thank you Mr. Marrimen."

When the second round of clapping subsided, she realized it was her last chance to change her mind.

Sink or swim, Blair.

"Secondly, I'd like to take a moment to make a personal announcement."

She could feel Mr. Hettinherr shifting uncomfortably in his chair beside the guest donor on stage.

Dan felt his whole body tense in anticipation.

"Last week- at the Winter Formal- everyone found out, via Gossip Girl, some pretty nasty stuff about me," she said, her voice shaking only slightly. "I'd like to say that, for the most part, Gossip Girl had no idea what she was talking about."

A hissing sounded from the audience- people whispering and chattering in the dim light of the auditorium.

"And for what it's worth- it's no one's business but our own- what happened," she said with vindication. "But I would like to say one thing for all of you to hear."

From his seat, Mr. Hettinherr was hissing, "Miss Waldorf! _Miss Waldorf_!"

Dan waited, holding his breath.

"Dan," Blair said, the name- audible- made her chest ache. "I am so sorry."

The whispering crowd seemed to increase and decrease in volume at once.

She shook her head, ignoring the vice principal's apologizing to the guest from the side of the stage.

Swallowing, she said, "It started off as one thing- but, I _promise_ you," the earnest in her voice was palpable, "it ended up so different than I had ever intended."

Dan's heart was drumming loudly in his chest, and his mouth had gone completely dry.

"I just want you to know that I do love you, and I'm so sorry for hurting you," she managed to say, her voice choking up slightly at the end. She made a move to walk away, but stopped and spoke into the microphone again, "And I'm sorry to Mr. Marrimen, for using this thank you speech for other reasons." This illicited a collective chuckle from the junior class as she moved and sat back down in the row of student council members.

From where he sat, Dan stared at Blair. He wasn't angry or moved to forgiveness- really, he was even more confused than before.

**When it Rains, it Pours**

At four, Blair met Serena on the steps of the Met, but she wasn't alone. Nate was standing with her.

"Anything you can say to me, you can say in front of Nate," Serena said, as soon as Blair was standing before them on the steps.

She nodded, "This is even better."

Shaking his head, Nate asked, "What is this about, anyway?"

"I wanted to-" Blair cut herself off and took a breath. "I wanted to apologize to both of you."

The two starred at her.

"Look," she allowed the emotions to fall out of her mouth. "You both hurt me- You did," she shook her head, the tears pricking behind her eyes. "Nate, I was in love with you, and you were just using me for you father. And Serena, I trusted you as my _best friend_- and you betrayed me!"

They looked at her defiantly, not at all ashamed for their crimes.

Breathing in deeply, she said, "I'm not trying to justify what I did, but that's why I did it." She shrugged, "I didn't want to feel hurt, so I went for revenge."

"You didn't have to bring Dan into it-"

"I thought it would be the easiest way!" she snapped. "I didn't know- I didn't know this- I couldn't guess that I'd fall in love with him."

They stared at each other in silence for a long minute.

Sighing, Blair said, "I'm apologizing to both of you- For trying to hurt you, for hurting you- I'm sorry."

She didn't wait for a response, instead, she nodded sincerely and turned, walking down the steps and heading back down the street.

And for the first time in a long time, Blair felt as if she could actually breathe.

**Author's Note:** Okay, again- sorry it took so long to update! Next chapter will be the last, and then the epilogue! Hope you all liked it! Thanks for being so patient! And wait- can we please talk about the craziness that was Pret-a-Poor-Jenny? Holy crow! The Dairness of this season is so wonderful it's almost unreal! Thanks for reading and reviewing!


	26. When Did Your Heart Go Missing?

**Author's Note:** All right guys, this is it; last chapter. Do Dan and Blair get back together? Does the story end in them walking away, happy with what they had but still not together? Oh, yes, I'm evil, and you will have to read and find out. **P.S.** Sorry it took forever to update this!

**Chapter Twenty-Six**  
"Love don't come so easily  
This doesn't have to end in tragedy  
I have you and you have me  
We're one in a million  
Why can't you see?  
I'm waiting, waiting for nothing  
You're leaving, leaving me hanging  
When did your heart go missing?  
I treat you like a princess  
But your life is just one big mess  
When did your heart go missing?"  
-Rooney

Because of Blair's stint on Friday- concerning the fact that she used the thank you speech to apologize to Dan and tell the whole school that Gossip Girl didn't know what she was talking about- granted her two days' worth of suspension from Constance. It's not as if she had done serious damage, but the appearance of the school- in the respect that Mr. Hettinherr now looked as if he had no control over his students- had been compromised, and that was almost worse. But the punishment was hardly something to endure. The worst part was probably her mother's initial anger.

"Blair, what were you trying to accomplish?" she had asked as Dorota served their dinner that night.

The brunette just stared at her mother, knowing full-well that she could never properly explain.

Shaking her head, Eleanor said, "I get you this superb tutor to help your SAT scores, and- Do you think Yale is going to appreciate a two day suspension?"

"Mom, it was only for digressing in a thank you speech!" she laughed. "Give me a break."

"You embarrassed Constance and St. Jude's in front of a serious benefactor!" she rolled her eyes. "You embarrassed yourself in front of all your peers-"

Cutting her mother off, Blair said, "I'm not embarrassed."

Eleanor gave her a pointed look that said, 'You should be.'

"Mom, would it change anything if I told you I _needed_ to do it?" she leaned forward, allowing the passion to light her eyes.

"What do you mean you needed to do it?" she demanded unfolding her napkin and laying it across her lap.

Blair looked away from her mother for a moment, before saying, "My life at Constance is unbearable right now- And, the only guy I've ever truly loved thought something...." she trailed off. "Mom, he needed to know the truth- the whole school did."

"What, Nate?"

This actually made the brunette laugh out loud.

And then her face clouded over, and she frowned, "Mom."

"What?" Eleanor replied, beginning to stab her salad with her fork.

"You-You threatened the Captain," she managed to say. "You got him to make Nate date me- even though he doesn't even love me anymore."

Only faltering for a moment, her mother said, "Blair, I only-"

"Did you do it or not?" she demanded, her voice getting harder.

Eleanor set her fork down, "Yes, I did it." She continued as Blair opened her mouth to speak, cutting her off, "But I was only doing it because I had your best interests at heart! I saw you that day when I came home and you were crying- miserable in your bed."

Blair thought back to the day her mother had promised her everything would be all right. She was so fully aware of where she got her manipulative control now that it made her cringe a little.

"I just wanted to do whatever I had to make you happy," her mother said sadly. "In retrospect it could have been handled differently- but I promise you, I was only thinking of your happiness."

Staring into her mother's eyes, Blair realized that she wasn't making it up; she truly and honestly regretted how it had turned out, but she had been hoping for the best.

Smiling subtly, Blair said, "Mom, I appreciate that- but- I mean, we both need to learn how to step back and let things happen."

Eleanor smiled and rolled her eyes good-naturedly, "Yes we do."

They sat in silence for a moment, with Dorota now courteously out of the room.

"So, if Nate isn't who you were talking about, then who?" she asked.

Blair felt the smile pushing her lips upward before she could stop it. The mere thought of Dan made her want to laugh with glee and curl her toes happily.

"You don't know him- but Mom, he's great," she said.

The rest of Friday night had been spent in the kitchen, sharing peanut butter ice cream and gossiping with her mother about her life. She recounted her whole history, from finding out that Nate and Serena had had sex (way back in September), to plotting against them, using Dan, and then falling for him. Her mother had listened intently and given the proper interjections here and there. It wasn't until she had finished explaining everything, that her mother had told her that she had had no idea what was going on in Blair's life, and was glad that she now did. At that point, she congratulated her daughter on getting suspended and had actually said, 'Damn Yale if they don't accept you anyway- That was absolutely necessary.' She now felt as if she had broken the shell of a barrier- the one that had kept her from her mother. And so, she felt as if another layer of negativity was sliding off of her existence and into oblivion.

* * *

Jenny made it known to the world of the Humphrey household that Blair had publicly apologized to Dan, Friday night at dinner.

Tiredly, Dan had said, "Jen, could we not, maybe?"

"She apologized in front of the whole school?" Rufus asked, putting his glass of lemonade down, surprised.

"And she got suspended!" Jenny said triumphantly.

Rubbing his eyes, Dan shook his head, "I really don't want to talk about this."

And he was being completely honest. He had gone through the rest of the school day with the thought of Blair's public apology at the forefront of his mind. People passed him in the hallway making kissing sounds at him, making comments alluding to Blair's apology and their affair, so it was impossible for him to not think about it. Whereas, he had been so angry with her and had so easily brushed her off as the Upper East Side bitch he had always thought she was, she had gone and done just what he never expected of her. He thought she had used him- had used him and faked some kind of love for him because she was a sick, twisted bitch. Then, she had announced that she was sorry, that she loved him, in front of the entire junior class. But he didn't know what to do. It wasn't so easy that he could just turn around and say, 'Oh, of course I forgive you- let's be together for real now!' He still had his doubts. Did he want to be with someone who would use someone that way, even if she was sorry afterward? Could he even believe her apology? He didn't know, and he didn't want to think about it at all.

"That's pretty epic, Dan," Rufus said.

Giving his father a reproachful look, Dan said, "Epic or not, I'd rather we talked about something else."

The table fell silent.

Then, Jenny said, "I think I'm Team Blair now, though."

Rufus laughed out loud; Dan gave her a dirty look.

* * *

By the time Friday arrived, Blair had run out of things to help distract herself from thinking of Dan. She had gone to work with her mom and dealt with irritating models, and she had helped Dorota clean the house and cook over the weekend. But when Monday rolled around, she found herself sitting around her room, bored and anxious. The unnamed cat was jumping and batting at her rumpled comforter, hissing at her anytime she tried to pet the thing. Without even the little pet as a distraction, she sat back and sighed- because she knew it was only a matter of time before Dan entered her thoughts and demanded her attention.

Turning in her bed and looking across her room, out the window, she caught a glimpse of her clock. Dan would be in his Creative Writing class, right before lunch.

The apology she had made in front of the school slid into her mind, making her turn again to stare at the ceiling.

_Dan, I am so sorry. It started off as one thing- but, I promise you, it ended up so different than I had ever intended. I just want you to know that I do love you, and I'm so sorry for hurting you._

Blair winced.

It had been almost four days. How long would it take for Dan to accept her apology if he was going to? Swallowing, she tried to push the thoughts out of her mind. He wouldn't ignore her apology. He wouldn't. Dan was too much of a gentlemen. He would at least tell her that he couldn't forgive her- that he wasn't so easily won over. And that would be fine, but Blair just wanted _something_ from him! But- what if this was his form of punishment? What if his silence and ignoring her was his way of paying her back for lying to him. She felt her throat close up, fear making her stomach twist.

She would have to take this into her own hands.

Getting out of bed- and startling the cat in the process- she crossed the room and pulled a piece of stationary out of her desk. With a pen from the same drawer, she scrawled out a quick note on the paper and folded it into four halves. She left it on her desk while scrambling into some stockings, a skirt, and a BCBG top. Shoving her feet into some Marc Jacobs clogs, and throwing her cape-jacket over her shoulders, she grabbed her bag and the note and hurried out of her room and downstairs.

The ride over to Brooklyn was long, but it gave her time to think.

She would give the note to Dan, and what he decided to do with it would determine his stance on her apology. Whether he forgave her or not- well, she would know by midnight.

When the driver pulled up to the Humphrey's building, Blair's stomach knotted. She told the man to wait, and got out of the car on her own, crossing the sidewalk to the door in only a few strides. She entered the elevator, worrying for the first time. What if Mr. Humphrey wasn't even home? What if Dan _was_ home for some reason? Swallowing back her worries, she shook herself a little and smiled her signature smile of confidence. She could do this.

Pressing the buzzer down with shaking fingers, Blair waited.

When the door opened, her smile faltered, only slightly.

"Blair Waldorf," Rufus said simply, surprised.

"Hi Mr. Humphrey," Blair said, trying to regain her confidence.

He peered at her, "Can I help you with something?"

"I was just wondering if you could give something to Dan for me," she said, reaching into her bag and holding out the note. For a moment, she wished she had put it in an envelope.

Rufus looked down at the note, then back at Blair, before taking it. He smiled, "Of course I can."

She seemed to breathe in relief, saying, "Thank you."

He nodded, "Of course."

And then she smiled one last time, turning to leave.

"Oh, Blair?" Rufus called.

Blair turned, right before taking a step away.

He smiled amiably, "I hope Dan comes to his senses too."

Genuinely and easily smiling now, Blair nodded again, and then left.

* * *

Dan got the note from Blair, via his father, after school, and he read it over and over:

_Dan,_

_I don't know if you forgive me or not, but either way, I'd like to talk to you. If you could, please meet me at Washington Square Park tonight, under the arch._

_I'll be waiting there from eight to midnight. No RSVP necessary._

_Blair_

This gave him a deadline that he wasn't sure he could cope with. Did he forgive her? Did he trust her enough to forgive her? After what she had done to him- after what she had used him to accomplish with Serena and Nate? His pride was wounded, and his dignity was standing in his way. Also, his common sense was screaming at him. He should never have fallen in love with Blair Waldorf, he should have _known_. Regardless, he _was_ in love with her, and he wasn't sure whether or not he could _not_ forgive her. She had admitted it to the whole school, she had told the truth and apologized in front of everyone. Was that a valid enough excuse for him to allow her back into his life? Was that a strong enough excuse to forgive her?

He still didn't know.

* * *

By the time midnight was close to rolling around, Blair was freezing. Washington Square Park was dark and deserted, and the temperature was plummeting every few seconds. She was afraid that any minute, she was going to get caught in the proximity of a drug deal, and that she would get shot or mugged by some low-class gangsters. But she wasn't going to leave. She didn't care if she froze, or if she had to fight some muggers away with her Fendi bag- she was going to wait for Dan until exactly twelve o'clock.

Suddenly, a familiar fear clutched at her heart.

What if Dan didn't show up at all? Or what if he showed up and told her he didn't forgive her? She shuddered, not sure how she would deal with either scenario. Instead of facing the possibility of the future, head-on, she thought of _Breakfast at Tiffany's_- of _Charade_- of the things that made her happy and kept her distracted.

Somewhere in the distance, a car beeped several times, and she turned, staring thoughtfully at the arch behind her. In the light of the moon, the marble of the structure looked ghostly and effervescent, stark against the darkness of its surroundings. Looking up, she took in the intricate carvings all over the arch- the curlicues and precise lines- and sighed. If she focused on the arch alone, she almost felt like she was on the Champs-Elysees. Closing her eyes, she pretended that the sounds of traffic and people- not far off- were all Parisian, and that she simply stood under the Arc du Triomphe. She was miles and miles away from Greenwich Village, and she had nothing to worry about.

A car passed, emitting an old Justin Timberlake song through its windows.

Opening her eyes, Blair sighed. The song disappeared, but the magic was still broken. She couldn't deny it. There was no escaping her problems.

Fishing around in her bag for her phone, she pulled it out and looked at the front screen.

_12:10 A.M._

Her breath caught in her throat, and she looked around.

The park was still empty.

A sob rode up her throat before she could catch it, and she pressed her eyes closed, turning and leaning against the arch, feeling more defeated and alone than before. Whereas, eleven minutes ago, there had been a hope, there was now nothing. Dan hadn't shown, and that was all she could think about. Nothing else seemed to matter.

She didn't allow any tears to seep out of her eyes, and she managed to keep the sobs down, but she was shaking frantically in the cold night air, feeling dejected and hopeless.

Sighing deeply, she looked at the traffic around her.

Without warning, the sound of hurried footsteps approached, growing louder and louder, one by one. Turning slightly, Blair caught sight of Dan as he walked under the arch, out of breath and rushing. When he caught sight of her, he stopped. Staring at him, as if seeing a ghost, Blair was speechless.

"Sorry," he said, his breath coming out in puffs of steam. "The subway crowds were a bitch."

She continued to stare at him, unsure of what to do or how to react.

"What, do you take back your apology?" he asked, smirking.

Blair tried to speak, but she could only open and close her mouth.

He raised his eyebrows, waiting, looking entirely amused.

"I-I thought-" she stammered. "Y-You- You forgive me?"

Dan took a step closer to her, putting his arms around her waist, "Why do you think I'm here?"

Feeling her heart swell and thrum happily, Blair said, "I thought you wouldn't- I thought you still hated-"

"I was angry," he clarified. "But can you blame me?"

She looked down, not speaking.

"Blair, I'm still angry that you used me- But I don't think you would make up something like what you said in front of the junior class- just for shits and giggles," he said.

She remembered what she had said at the assembly and smiled slightly.

"So, I'm willing to work past what happened," he told her. "As long as we don't have to be a secret anymore."

Gazing into his eyes unabashedly, Blair shook her head and smiled, saying, "We can tell the whole world if you want."

He smiled and leaned in closer, saying, "I love you."

"I love you too, Cabbage Patch," she replied, closing the space between them with a kiss.

* * *

_**Reunited and it feels sooooooooo good!**_

_This just in, Queen **B** and Lonely Boy, spotted kissing and making up under the arch in Washington Square Park. Once you get over the fact that, yes, **B** actually went to Greenwich Village, we can bask in the fact that all the tables have turned. I only wonder what **S** and **N** think about all of this? And what does this mean for the hierarchy of the UES as we know it? Well, only time will tell- and I'll be here to reveal the unfoldings first. As for now, what's next for **B** and **D**? His and Her's towels? Joint applications to the Ivies? Jewel-studded MetroCards or shared personal chauffeurs? And if this relationship does become official, is it going to last? We shall my pretties, we shall we._

_You know you love me,  
XOXO Gossip Girl_

**Author's Note:** Fail? Win? Let me know! We've reached the end of 'When it Rains, it Pours,' and now we only have the epilogue! Thanks for reading and reviewing! Next chapter will be up soon!


	27. Epilogue: Moon River

**Author's Note:** Thank you guys so much for the reviews for the last chapter! Hope you like the epilogue!

**Epilogue**  
"Moon river, wider than a mile  
I'm crossing you in style someday  
Oh, dream-maker, you heartbreaker  
Wherever you're going, I'm going your way  
Two drifters off to see the world  
There's such a lot of world to see  
We're after the same rainbow's end  
Waiting 'round the bend,  
My huckleberry friend  
Moon river and me."  
-Johnny Mercer and Henry Mancini

"You can stop right here."

The cab driver pulled up to the crisp, green lawn, right in front of some benches and a pathway. Dan dug into his back pocket and retrieved his wallet. He thumbed through his money, handing the man a twenty and a ten, saying, "Keep the change." Returning the wallet to his pocket, he slid over to the door, opened it, and stepped out onto the pavement. The second he was out of the car, he was hit with a wave of cold, stinging air, scented with burnt charcoal and dying leaves. His breath came out in little puffs of steam, and his whole body was shocked with cold. He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket and stepped onto the nearest pathway- one that led to an immense, frightening stone building.

At the doors of the building, he turned right and continued walking along the pathway, crossing the green of another lawn, shivering as he went.

Pulling his hand out of his pocket, he checked the time.

He still had ten minutes to kill.

Maybe by the time he reached the right building, the ten minutes would be gone.

He could only hope.

_I'm missing my lab for this, and God knows how I'll catch up on those notes_, Dan groaned inwardly. _She better appreciate this_. A smile crept up his face as he thought it. He knew she would love it, and that seemed worth the trouble of some missed lab notes.

Four minutes later he had reached the building. It was made of stone and it was covered in ivy. He didn't know where she would be exactly, so he stood outside, shivering and huddling in on himself. If he had known November would be so cold, he would have worn a thicker jacket. He turned against the wind, looking back at the building wistfully. He hoped the class hadn't ended early.

'cause then the poor baby would have to freeze for nothing.

* * *

Blair neatly tucked her graded paper into her Chanel tote- among her books and pencils- and stood up from her seat. She walked from her front row seat to the door, buttoning her black, mid-thigh-length pea-coat as she went. The hall outside of the classroom was chillier than the room itself, and she swung her bag over her shoulder, slipping her hands into her pockets. She knew that once she got downstairs and outside, the chill would seep through her skinny jeans, and her knee-high Marc Jacobs suede boots would not shield her from the cold past her knees.

Tossing her artfully waved locks over her shoulder, she descended the stairs behind a flock of freshmen girls, rolling her eyes and sighing as she went.

_Did I really look like that just a year ago?_ she wondered, amused. _They look like little stressed-out deer._

Suddenly, her phone vibrated. Pulling it out from inside her jacket pocket, she looked at it and smiled.

_Happy Birthday!_

She had been receiving similar texts all day, and this one was from Jenny. Though she appreciated all of the well-wishes, her birthday felt like it was going to be dismal. She wasn't going home because she had class the next day, and her mother wasn't going to visit because she was too busy with preparations for her spring line- they had plans for the weekend, so it wasn't all that bad. But her roommate- a girl from California that she had grown quite close to- wasn't even in Connecticut for the week. She had friends, but none that she was close enough to spend her birthday with. And Dan told her he couldn't visit because he had classes today and tomorrow, so it was next to impossible.

So, she would spend her birthday in her dorm, cuddled up with some hot chocolate and a blanket, watching _Breakfast at Tiffany's_ and _Roman Holiday_. She didn't even have the company of her cat (which had finally been named Holly) to make her feel better.

Blair frowned, listening to the sound of her heels clicking against the stone in the front hallway, making her way to the front entrance.

Nineteen would not be the best birthday.

Just as she expected, the air was shockingly cold, and it hit her as soon as she exited the building. Huddling into the collar of her jacket, she pulled her arms close to her body and tried to brace herself against the cold. The idea of her room was beginning to seem very appealing, and she hurried down the walkway connecting one building to the next. Just as she was a good ten meters away from the building she had exited, she felt someone grab her butt.

Freezing for a minute, she allowed her eyes to narrow and her disgust to mount as she turned around to flog whoever had dared violate her.

But when she turned, she came face to face with Dan.

She was so shocked that she didn't do anything for a few seconds. When she realized who it was though, she screamed and covered her mouth, jumping up and down. Dan laughed, pleased with her reaction. When she threw herself at him, her arms around his neck, laughter bubbling up her throat, he laughed too, putting his arms around her waist.

After a minute, when she had time to calm down, she pulled away from him and slapped his arm.

"Hey!" he said, still laughing.

"You pinched my ass!" she retaliated.

He shrugged, smirking and saying, "You liked it."

She narrowed her eyes and smiled. Then, she slapped him again, "You told me you had class and that Dartmouth was _just too far away_ for it to work out this week!"

"So I'll miss a few classes- I wanted to surprise you," he said, pulling her close to him again. "Surprised?"

She couldn't help but smile at this, reluctantly saying, "Yes."

"Good," he cupped her face in his hand and kissed her slowly. "I have our whole day planned."

Grinning a little, she asked, "What are we doing?"

"First, we're going to get a shit load of take-out food that's really bad for us," he said. "And then, we're going to lock ourselves in your room, eating, and watching Audrey movies in your bed."

A few years ago, Blair would have wanted an extravagant birthday. She would have wanted to get dressed up, to go out and spend a lot of money. But now, being with Dan, things were put into perspective. Spending time with Dan in her room, eating crappy food and enjoying Audrey Hepburn classes- that's really what she wanted to do.

Blair couldn't bite away the grin now, and she said, "I like that idea."

"But then, when we're hungry again, we're going out to get cake at that little bakery in town," he said. "I have one on hold."

She leaned in and kissed him again, saying, "Thank you, boyfriend."

He laughed, saying, "You're very welcome, girlfriend."

"I can think of a few other things we can do in my room though- And they don't involve Audrey Hepburn or take away food," she whispered in his ear.

Looking at her with an impish smirk, he said, "It's your birthday- So we're going to do _whatever_ you want to do."

"Good," she said, taking his hand and leading him across the campus.

The End

* * *

**Author's Note:** You guys knew I was going to give them a happily ever after! Sigh. Okay, so this is where I make my corny little speech. Ready? Okay, first of all, thank you to everyone who read this story. I don't care if you reviewed or not, but thank you for giving it a chance, and reading it. And I give a special thank you to whoever read the whole thing all the way through. Next, I can not tell you how much I love you guys for reviewing. The reviews I received for this story were nothing short of amazing. You guys kept me going and gave me confidence, and I am so grateful for your opinions and insight. Thank you to those who favorited and subscribed to this story. I have never gotten such a hugely wonderful response to a story before, and it is overwhelmingly amazing. Thank you all for making that happen for me. I'm sad to end it, because it was so fun to write and hear what you guys had to say, but this is the end. Thank you all for being so wonderful! If you'd like, I have a few more Dair stories up right now. I recommend 'Without Reason' because it's an original plot line. Or you can read 'Something to Believe in' if you want a rewrite of the current Gossip Girl season- with Dair twists. So, again, thank you guys for everything, for sticking with this story and showing your support. Thank you!


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